Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm kind of feeling lost right now. There aren't any support groups in my area, and I don't feel like I'm just a crossdresser, but I feel like I've run out of non-net places to turn.

I really don't speak "girl" very well and so I don't fit in with gays, TS, etc. very well, but dudes and lesbians have always been great company. THe homework my therapist gave me is to start branching out and exploring the GLBT community but in my area it's slim to none.

I'm thinking of coughing up the $42 bucks to join Tri-Ess just to have somewhere to turn. The problem is I enjoy sex with men and think about changing my gender far more often than they'd be comfortable with. It seems like a bad choice, but right now I'm getting sick of forums, chatrooms, etc. I want real human contact.

Is it worth it to join a club where I'll have to be in the odd state of both out of the closet and in the closet?

hi i think its worth it if it helps you meet friends u can share your exp with i am transgender so i guess im a little confused are you gay or ? i dont veiw myself as gay i like men but i have the wrong parts once i have ssrs i will persue a relationship with a guy even if its casual. people need human contact i wouldnt leave the forum behind though they are excellant source of information and support when things go to crap.
jessica

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Post Merge: October 02, 2009, 05:42:29 AM

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are you trying to avoid coming out of the closet if so why? is it family or current friends because public general oppinion is just not worth wasting your life over sort to speak.

I am attracted to women, but do not enjoy sex with them, whereas men are very fulfilling for me. I just tell most people I'm bi.

I'm slightly out to a few very close people, but I am careful to avoid specifics. I live 90% closeted, but really I'm trying to edge out further. I just lack confirmed safe places to turn.

Edit: At this point for me there is a lot to lose from family etc. by coming out. My mother is finally beginning to become comfortable with the idea of me enjoying men as well as women, but she has gone on record saying that she is "horrified" by people who wish to change their gender.

I explained the neurological origin and everything, but it didn't really take. I've already lost a lot of friends due to being stupid and getting caught, and also some people backstabbing me. To avoid a lot of specifics and personal drama I have more to lose right now, but I'm currently building my life towards a point where I can live openly. So it's ultimately optimistic :)

kk there you go the voice of experience with that group still you need hman contact so... what i am concerned about is your general safty after years of supressing im not about the hiding bit anymore with the exception of my imeadiate family however if they find out about it then so be it. are you seeing a therapist yet. and by safty i mean if enough people find out will you be in danger...acording to my therapist if you are transgendered then finding relations with men more fulfilling would be normal however he did stress that gid is not about sex orientation its about how you view yourself....if your gay it seams it would be easier to deal with no cost normally associated with transitioning it is interesting that your mom is ok with the bi or gay but not okay with with correcting an identity disorder by making your body appear the same way as you feel. ill never understand human logic lol
jessica

Quote from: heatherrose on October 02, 2009, 06:03:02 AM

A long time ago I made some inquiries with Tri-Ess groups
about joining them. Those which had the courtesy to respond to me,
made it perfectly clear that if I was anything other than a heterosexual,
male, crossdresser (preferably married) with no interest in transitioning,
I was most certainly not welcome. They may have changed their policy
since my contact with them but because of what I perceived as a
"Sister Bertha Better than You" attitude, I have no interest in their
organization and I will tell anyone else thus interested the same.

This is what was making me feel odd about it. Not only did they have a very exclusive holier than thou attitude, and seem completely removed from the GLBT community, but it seems geared especially toward married guys who are way older than me.

Also they talk about how once you cough up $42 then they give you access to their article about "clothing as a lens". I don't know why they can't simply provide this for free. I mean if they are all about helping people, even just the finely targeted demographic of hetero-male-crossdressers, why make people pay to hear a helpful perspective?

I actually went to a tri ess meeting once about 15 years ago as a guest of some transitioners who were members of that chapter and well into transition.  I think each chapter of tri ess is different in its attitudes.  If your local tri ess chapter is the only resource in your area, you may find they have some transitioning members.  Have you spoken to that particular chapter?

I think a lot of it depends on the local chapter - or sorority, as they like to view themselves.  Yeah, a lot of it does come off (because it is) as kind of a 'rich girls closet'.  And that's fine, if that's what people want, what's the big deal?  They have been around since the mid-70s (when they formed out of two previously existing groups) so I'd cut them some slack, as they were out and doing this long before most of us even knew anything like this existed.  And despite the rather narrow focus, they do, and have, supported organizations like the World Congress of Transgender Organizations and the International Foundation for Gender Education, so they are aware that other variations on the theme exist.  All they are saying is that they are not catering to all of them, just their target market. 

Tri-Ess used to be exclusively married hetero CDs but there have been some changes due to low membership numbers.  The one in Chicago is open to anyone now but they are still a very small player in the TG scene.  Julie and I went to one when we accompanied a friend and her wife.  There was about 8 members there and it was boring, boring, boring.  But if it was the first time I had ever been out and I was a CD I suppose it would have seemed much different.

I'd suggest looking up Yahoo groups or doing Internet searches (if you already haven't).  Unless you live in a really small town, I'd think you could find something. If you decide to check out Tri-Ess, they typically let your first meeting be a freebie so you can see if it's right for you.  If all else fails, muster up some courage and go out to a mall or something and get a little "you time" in.  If you think full time is in the cards for you, the getting out is necessary, so the sooner the better.

Julie

I belonged to a group here in Portland, several years ago.  We would ether meet at someones house or at a gay club downtown.  While it was fun, I discovered that I just do not care for the gay scene and eventually stopped going.  But it was a great outlet for going out for the first time.

If you want to have tht kind of outlet and the Tri-Ess group wont take you, check with our local GLBT group.

Janet

There isn't a "local" Tri-Ess for me, each chapter is incredibly far away, and not worth it. I'm working on getting myself within acceptable distance of a good GLBT I know of. So hopefully it will work out over the next six months.

Chrysalis,  :)

I have been a member of Tri-Ess for 23 yrs.  First saw myself as a hetero CD,
but gradually more androgenous, not in the sense of being of neither gender,
but of both.  From what the national leaders say, they are trying to stay with
their target population.  But as has been said, local chapters vary.  In my
case, I joined the National organization first, and only later joined a chapter
which is fairly open to transgender people regardless of their "label."  But if
you wanted to start out by joining National, you would have access to the
"members only" area of the national website, where there is an online directory
which lists the members in each state.  Possibly you could find someone near
you and just email them and find out where they are coming from.

FWIW,

Sandra  :icon_chick:  (not my name in Tri-Ess)

It sounds like it's worth the $42 when I think of it as a charitable donation with some fringe benefits. I don't really see what can happen that's so negative.

Just a question that may not apply to the subject, but while on the topic of GLBT, does a hetero/undecided normal crossdresser fit into the category of GLBT or are we something else entirely?

The title doesn't seem to lean towards it, but the group seems to be an umbrella term.

Any insights?

I have allways been interested in attending some kind of GLBT meeting but I didn't think the term applied to CDers.

Meetings apply to those who are interested in such things.  I go to lots, never had a problem, but I'm very social.

My opinion is that attending such an organization may prove to be more of a waste of time than real benefit. Now don't get me wrong as I'm not slamming the organization as I really don't know a ton about it. However, in your OP you basically stated that you need "human contact." The problem I see here is that you, I, or anyone else needs quality human contact. I would rather spend time with just one or two people who accept me than "branch out" among people with questionable intentions just to have a lot of people around.

I know that that is not what you are trying to do but it also seems strange for your therapist to be making what appears an unreasonable request on you. If the trans community is distant from where you live, then obviously you are not going to be able to be heavily involved with it so I don't know why your therapist is insisting on this. I certainly agree about needing human contact but some of these things may just take time. Perhaps I am fortunate because I live in a very large city. Even then, there aren't exactly trans people "everywhere." Even most of the nightclubs I go to that are GLBT often have 0-3 other TG people there so it isn't uncommon for me to be the only one. Regardless, I won't pass up the opportunity to meet heterosexual couples and other non-trans people who do accept me for who I am.

Anyway, here are the reasons I don't support spending much time (let alone money) with Tri-Ess. The first is that for the most part the group is exclusive. Right off the bat this means they won't help you or will provide little help if you fall outside of their inclusive requirements. Barring a few local chapters here and there, the group is dedicated to heterosexual crossdressers. This type of exclusivity seems counter-productive to any meaningful support of trans issues. First, gender identity and sexual orientation are completely separate issues. Excluding homosexual and bisexual crossdressers from the group is blatant discrimination and to me is as intolerable as if it were a group for only Caucasian crossdressers discriminating against race.

The second issue I have is with the excessive focus on crossdressing. Most trans people don't consider their dressing to be "crossdressing." I know I don't consider the way I dress to be a joke or some fun activity. While I'm not full time yet and have limited my dressing to mainly GLBT environments, the clothes, makeup, etc. has become second nature. It is not about the clothes, it is about how I indentify and feel comfortable. I don't consider myself any more of a man wearing male clothes than when I wear female clothes. The clothes do not define me. Also, the group's name "Society for the Second Self" is misleading on trans issues. While it may work perfectly for androgynous people or crossdressers, transsexuals do not consider ourselves to have "two selves." We still may not conform 100% to gender norms within our preferred gender role (even TS's can be somewhat androgynous) but we generally consider ourselves to be of one particular gender or we wouldn't transition.

The concept of crossdressing basically sounds like an activity, an event, or a hobby and that is generally what Tri-Ess appears to be about. Groups of men (who identify as male) disguise themselves as women and try to pass in public. They then go back to their male life when the fun is over and don't plan on transitioning. As several others here have stated, the moment that a member of the group decides that their crossdressing is more than a game but is instead a gender identity issue, the group is not interested in supporting them.

Anyway, it is up to you. For me, I don't need a group to teach me make-up, clothes, walking in heels, etc. It may be of some benefit but such benefit is very short-term. When I go out in public I want to be seen and treated as a female, not a crossdresser. So to be completely blunt, if being transgender is something you take very seriously, I would focus on groups (if they are available) that are actually dedicated to trans issues in a serious way. By serious, I mean the discussions will frequently be on things more important than shopping for outfits.

Good luck. :) Britney

I'm not slamming the organization as I really don't know a ton about it

But that's not going to stop you from writing a few paragraphs about it is it?

Well here we have a very active Tri-Ess chapter.  I know several of the people who are active, including the local president.  They are wonderful people and genuinely helpful to others.  I mean that.  However, I have never gone because they have told me in detail what they are about and what they want to accomplish.  Sorry, I am happy for them but I just don't fit in.  I really don't.  I do not mean that as an insult.  But a bunch of hetero CD guys, who will always identify as guys,  trying to look femme is cool if you are into that.  Just not where I am.  I am glad they are around, and the need is great.  So, I guess the moral is, know yourself.  Find what you need.  And if you need to, try on a few different kinds of groups till you find one that fits where you are and want to go.

Best of luck, honey.  This can be a very lonely walk.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

Quote from: SilverDragon419 on November 23, 2009, 07:09:00 PM
Just a question that may not apply to the subject, but while on the topic of GLBT, does a hetero/undecided normal crossdresser fit into the category of GLBT or are we something else entirely?

The title doesn't seem to lean towards it, but the group seems to be an umbrella term.

Any insights?

I have allways been interested in attending some kind of GLBT meeting but I didn't think the term applied to CDers.

"Transgender" is an umbrella term that includes crossdressers, drag queens, drag kings, transsexuals, genderqueers and other gender-variant monikers.

That said, TRIESS was founded as and has been an organization only for heterosexual crossdressers and their wives. Last I knew, the CDs had to dress in boy mode if their wives were in attendance. That even applied to founder Virginia Prince when addressing the wives.

Maybe another way of putting this is that one who defines themselves as a crossdresser will see what they do as gender expression whereas one who defines themselves as a transsexual will consider what they do as gender identity. Both of course fall under the transgender umbrella.

I feel that due to the fact that trans people are relatively scarce, it is more useful for an organization to be transgender-friendly as a whole rather than be specific on just one aspect of trans behavior or identity. Say you have a group specifically dedicated to transsexuals and another dedicated only to crossdressers, it leaves out all of the people who are still questioning their identity. Often TSs considered themselves crossdressers at first and generally "cross-dressed" before going full time in their new gender role. It is therefore quite likely that a lot of the CDs in a group like Tri-Ess may actually be TSs but have not yet come to terms with that yet. Such an organization with its restrictive focus can be counter-productive to anyone not 100% sure of their identity. The same goes with a group specifically on TS issues. A person who is not yet 100% sure they are TS will avoid such a group because they won't be able to "keep up" so to speak.

Obviously, people can form whatever groups they want but I personally think that any group that excludes certain segments of transgender identity and expression is going to be counter-productive in the long run to a lot of members or prospective members. Even in major cities, it is not like their are trans people everywhere so being the minority that we are makes it more logical not to unnecessarily divide ourselves up further.

The person who started Tri-Ess did so before there was a transgender community.  Matter of fact, she did it before there was even a word 'transgender'.  She is given credit to be the first to use it. It's her word.

And every group at some point has some sort of mission, some sort of include/exclude portion to it.

I'm sure its fine for a lot of people, wrong for others, and of no use for most.  Just like any other group.