Share your experiences and thoughts on suicide please.
Suicidal depression is a condition that blinds people to the possibility of hope. The hope of change is always there, everything changes, but being suicidal removes it from sight.
Hope is still there. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you feel you cannot fight it, get help! This is nothing worth killing yourself over. Really, it isn't!
hugs & smiles
Emelye
I found suicidal thoughts to dog me a lot before I transitioned and those were almost as painful as GID. I won't go into details but far too much of my waking life was spent contemplating not living. What kept me from proceeding was the doubt that ending it all would make it better or even more peaceful. And I couldn't say that I knew that the future would always be as bad as the present. Life is weird that way.
If you saw the movie "Castaway" with Tom Hanks, he was on the island in the south pacific all alone and he put aside thoughts of ending it after taking some steps. Then a bit of a plastic outhouse floated ashore allowing him to make a sail that got him home. Well, I waited for a sail too and eventually one came. No matter how bleak it looks, you just can't rule out that a "sail" will come. Actually, I'm waiting for another sail at the moment.
Maggie
Three attempts and thankfully they all failed. I am now at a point where things are better than they were went I began transition.
Thanking a clue from Maggie's post, Hanks also said you never know what the tide will bring tomorrow. It always seem darkest before the dawn.
Janet
Suicide is very tempting sometimes, I have tried 3 times but these days I don't think about it too much as I have hope things might improve. I am having CBT for my anxiety and social phobia and I'm going to post my letter thing tomorrow to the gender identity clinic telling them that I do want the apointment. When I attemted suicide I had no hope, but now I know my life could improve and thats what i'm holding onto at the moment.
I've attempted. Obviously I'm still here.
No, my problems didn't magically disappear. But I've been learning to either solve or deal with my problems more intelligently :icon_chick:
My belief is that this is our challenge, and if we escape it through whatever means it will just be waiting for us in the next life. I've often thought that I would just be born trans again, maybe even in a worse place and time than 21st century america...kind like your situation. Look at it this way though, you have come this far, endured this much, quitting right before it starts getting better doesn't make any sense.
Ok now the standard stuff is said. Lots of us can relate to your feelings, Shelina. I attempted it once, and technically for a few minutes I succeeded. I have learned what I did wrong, and won't make the same mistake again; however after much state-mandated therapy (apparently it's against the law to attempt suicide) I decided to give transition a chance. It's not off the table though, not by a longshot. I know it sounds morbid, but if you decide to do it make sure you do it right, because if you don't it HURTS, and you'll be forever changed.
Something to keep in mind is that you are probably not in your right mind these days. With a complete lack of therapy on top of self medicating, you are loading a lot on yourself and setting yourself up for failure. These are big things that are happening, major changes going on inside you and around you, and it looks from what you've shared with us like you are totally alone in it all. If there is anyone you can talk to about your feelings, why not do it? Suicide is a big decision and it's hard to do right, so why not get a second, objective opinion before going through with it?
Yeah, The state jumped on my case too. I was given the choice of therapy or jail time in the psych. ward :P
My worst/best attempt was hidden by my parents who don't want anyone to know about me. I have given up on suicide most days.
Yea so many times but i was really young lik 14 n 15 man lik i say "I don't wanna die, i just dont want to live this live!" yea i still feel da same today but i don't knw just keep movin forward Yea
Teena
By my early 20's (in the early 1970's) I was severely depressed. There was no future, no hope for SRS and all I could see was continuing pain. There were no doctors doing surgery at a sane price and no reason to expect that to change. I attempted suicide a few times, each time more dangerous than the last. Nobody knew - I was very secretive about it.
Finally one night in late November in 1973 I put a bullet in a gun and put the gun to my head. I simply did not want to live any more. I pulled the trigger and the gun misfired (for the first time ever) and a voice from the darkness said "No, not yet. Hold on just a little longer." I was not in the habit of hearing voices! I just wept and wept. Something, someone was telling me there was a reason to wait, so I did.
Within a few weeks I got a call from a friend telling me Dr. Biber had set up practice in Colorado. Within a couple of weeks, Dr. Biber had all my medical records and by April I was gone - off on a whole new wonderful life.
I came so close to missing it all, just one misfire away, just one voice in the night. Even now, 35 years later, I remember the power of that voice and I am thankful for whoever or whatever told me to wait.
With life there is always hope. Without life, there is none.
I only tried, or rather appeared to try when I was crying out for attention. Stupidest thing I ever did.
Thank goodness I grew up.
After three days in the psych. ward I was more than willing to do the therapy :P
Decided to continue the therapy after the required sessions. I've learned allot and life is going better in some ways.
Sure, I still have my ups and downs. But I've learned how to deal much better in a more mature fashion
I spent most of this year thinking about it and made countless preparations for it but could never go through with it. Got caught in the act once too but I doubt I would have been able to do it that time either (intensely embarrassing though :P). I was getting closer than ever by the time I got a job in September, I don't think I'd have lasted too much longer without a change of luck. It's like everyone is saying: things can turn around even though you've convinced yourself they can't.
Quote from: Northern Jane on October 04, 2009, 07:01:16 PM
By my early 20's (in the early 1970's) I was severely depressed. There was no future, no hope for SRS and all I could see was continuing pain. There were no doctors doing surgery at a sane price and no reason to expect that to change. I attempted suicide a few times, each time more dangerous than the last. Nobody knew - I was very secretive about it.
Finally one night in late November in 1973 I put a bullet in a gun and put the gun to my head. I simply did not want to live any more. I pulled the trigger and the gun misfired (for the first time ever) and a voice from the darkness said "No, not yet. Hold on just a little longer." I was not in the habit of hearing voices! I just wept and wept. Something, someone was telling me there was a reason to wait, so I did.
Within a few weeks I got a call from a friend telling me Dr. Biber had set up practice in Colorado. Within a couple of weeks, Dr. Biber had all my medical records and by April I was gone - off on a whole new wonderful life.
I came so close to missing it all, just one misfire away, just one voice in the night. Even now, 35 years later, I remember the power of that voice and I am thankful for whoever or whatever told me to wait.
With life there is always hope. Without life, there is none.
Very nice and encouraging anecdote. :)
Ever stay up late and there's nothing on TV but some old movie in black and white and even it's not too great? But you just gotta stay up to see how the story ends? I had a night like that back in the 80s and that's when suicide really came to make no sense to me. You have all the time in the world to be dead, or nothing, or an angel, or the next incarnation, etc. but only a limited amount of time here, so sheer curiousity should make you want to stay around just to see how the story ends.
ANYONE - and everyone - even thinking about this needs to watch a documentary called "The Bridge." The people who were stopped, or through some miracle did not die, never did it again, and regretted the decision.
If given the choice of allowing
myself to expire due to starvation,
exposure or at the hand of a hater
or be in control of my own demise.
I would choose to take my own life.
No serious attempts under my belt, but a whole host of thoughts.
I'm a logic driven man however and have "logically" decided it's not an option at this moment in time.
Previously, I simply drowned out the depression and etc with drugs, alcohol (A LOT of alcohol), and promiscuous sex with acquaintances and strangers.
Then I got pregnant. I freaked out and was pressured into keeping the child, which I later learned to accept, and she's eight years old now. I have spent most of the last 9 years, not harming myself for the sake of her.
I may not be a "good" parent, but I'm by far the lesser of two evils.
Recently, I find myself thinking of transition as not only a possibility, but a certain eventuality. And as a result of that, I'm able to better choose to not harm my body because it is the foundation upon which my new body (transition) will be built. And if I go around poking holes in the foundation, the building won't be as strong.
I still think about suicide. And there's no guarantee I won't go ahead with it at some point in the future, 'specially if transition becomes derailed somehow. But for now, I'm not going anywhere.
I attempted suicide by cutting my wrists.
I heard my mother waking up in the next room and I stopped. Somehow I was saved by her, even if she will never know this.
Now I think sometimes, but I hope I will never return so much depressed to trying it again.
I've thought about it many times, but could never get up the courage to do it!
I know that if I didn't start seeing a GT this year, I would have "bit the bullet."
Thank God I finally did what I've needed to do for 30 + years!!!
Love - Steph
Attempted it when I was 13/14 took 40 parcetamols got stomach pumped. Touch about it quite alot since then.. a little less now!
I think I was saved for a reason the reason is........
Jay
I have never actually attempted to take my life, though I have come very close several times. I couldn't count the number of times that I have seriously contemplated ending my life (probably somewhere around an average of one or more times per week for the past 30 years). I have always reasoned that there had to be a reason why I was as miserable as I was, why I felt like such a f%^&ing freak, why my life was such a failure - I had no idea what that reason was, but I knew there was a reason somewhere.
It took me reaching that point of the deepest depression and the overwhelming feelings that I needed to become a woman or die, that I finally listened and started to do something about it. Now I am here and while I still have my moments of doubt and pain, I know what that reason that kept me hanging on is. I am determined to see this through to the end, I am determined to become the woman I have been waiting to be and if I can help anyone else along the way, then I will certainly feel that I have accomplished a great feat and my life will be worthwhile.
As it was stated earlier, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Hang in there Shelina, it is always darkest before the dawn. :icon_hug:
Deanna.
There was a thread that covered this extensively a few years ago. I think there was about five pages of replies and it stirred a lot of emotions.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,6105.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,6105.0.html)
Quote from: tekla on October 05, 2009, 02:34:07 AM
ANYONE - and everyone - even thinking about this needs to watch a documentary called "The Bridge."
I watched this on Hulu last night and it didn't do much for me in terms of taking suicide off the list of possibilities. The only thing that gave me pause was the impact on the people left behind, in the one case toward the end of the lady sitting in the darkened room the effect seemed quite pronounced. Nobody really cares about me on that level though, so I don't think it matters.
QuoteThe people who were stopped, or through some miracle did not die, never did it again, and regretted the decision
Except for the physical pain it caused me I don't regret having tried, obviously I didn't die but I can't say I won't do it again and properly. This transition thing is making things better so who knows. It's not the first choice anymore, but it's hardly a "never do it again, regret the decision" kind of situation. Is this normal among you other suicide failures or am I just being crazy?
I think asking oneself the "to be, or not to be" question is part of being a self-aware being. Shakespeare's original quote is well worth reading, he really asks the question.
For me it comes down to, no matter how lousy things are, it seems wasteful to end this life when there's all the time in the world to be nothing, or an angel, etc according to your beliefs.
If a suicide attempt(s) makes it's way to your medical records, could this possibly complicate one's future?
Quote from: Shelina on October 04, 2009, 10:55:18 AM
Share your experiences and thoughts on suicide please.
How about you sharing? If you are thinking about it you probably need some help.
My first attempt was at ten years old. I tried to hang myself in the tree in the front yard of my house.
I tested the branch to see if would hold my weight. I was a climber.
But when I jumped from the tree with the noose about my neck, the branch broke.
I landed on my butt and the branch hit me on the head. Both hurt rather much :P
After a few more attempts later on and the State jumping my case, I hope I've learned my lesson
I am forty eight today
Yes.
I was fully committed to the idea 25 years ago. Was just waiting on my aged grandparents to die first.
the last of those died last year in her late 90's (3 of the 4 lived that long and the other lived to 83)
A lot happened in the mean time.
Quote from: lisagurl on October 06, 2009, 07:41:08 PM
How about you sharing? If you are thinking about it you probably need some help.
Well, almost all my suicide attempts were related to the straight guys I loved but who did not love me just cos am not a woman.
Attempts:
1999- Hanging myself to the curtain, my dad came just in time in my room.
2001- Poison (Rat killer), went hospital to cleanse stomach.
2003- Tried to jump off from the 6th floor, stopped by friends.
2007- Just the thought came to take sleeping pills, was VERY close but didn't have it just that day.
2009- Successfully took sleeping pills but failed to die. This is the most recent and was beginning of last month, lost job, lost family, lost friends, lost my love one, lost all. From vertigenous prestigious height to ending completely down as a pariah.
Stop!!! Suicide does not solve the problem.
Stick around, there are much better solutions.
Even if you don't know it now, You have much to contribute to this world
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 07, 2009, 12:56:02 AM
Is there anything we can do to help? I understand my best wishes may not be able to help you, but please understand, you are not given up on. I cannot speak for others, but you've been on my mind for many days. Please know that no that no matter what "a mom" is praying for you.
Thanks my virtual mommy! ;D Well, everyone's moral support, care and love is already helping me tons, I don't think I need anything more, this is amply enough and a lot.
Good, now let's not hear any more about this topic! Okay? Everyone smiling? Hugs for everyone :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Deanna
I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts.
Best I could was (just once) run a knife over my veins thinking of cutting but not being able to.
A while after starting HRT, all suicidal behaviour disappeared..
Thought about it more then a few times (tried it twice), mostly due to depression brought about by lack of a job, no money, no friends (they all left to do other things, I think 1 joined the army, some of them went to university, got married or left the area) and where I was living at the time (it was right dump).
The first time the voices in my head stopped me, (I'm sure the first voice was Rufus, a half-zombie character I use to play in a fantasy role-playing game, the second was Sara, a vampire character I played in Vampire: The Masquerade). Rufus basically went on about hope, the future and do I really know things won't improve for all I know I could pick up a paper tomorrow and find the perfect job. Sara went on about what she misses, like the feel of the sun on her skin; she used to like playing in the sun when she was a little girl, now if she steps out in the sun she'll get fried to a crisp. It was when she mentioned my dog it struck home (I had a pet dog), it could be a while before any finds my body, he's going to need feeding until then, what's he going live on? And what will happen to him when they find you?
Don't you just hate it when the voices use your emotions against you?
The second time my ex stopped me; I was living in a room on a housing co-operative at the time. This was the situation. The room above mine was occupied by Chris, he liked to listen to music (he liked it so much he wanted to share it with the whole co-operative) 10 am to 2am there was a constant "boom boom boom" (the mirror above the sink rattled, the pipes rattled, the window rattled, you touch the walls you could feel it, you could feel it though the floor, the bed), going up and banging on the door to ask him to turn it down doesn't work because he can't hear over the music. The woman who used to live in the room below me moved out because she couldn't hear the television over the noise. Next door to me you had Tony, forever arguing with his girlfriend, throwing her out, taking her back, having making up sex (you ever tried to sleep when the couple in the next room and having noisy sex?, lots of moans, yes's and enough Oh God's to classify as a religious experience), I think I know what she saw in him. When he wasn't arguing with his girlfriend or making up, he was cleaning the shared toilet (case of OCD) or body-building (used to take steroids or some something, made him schizophrenic). Next door to him you had Andy, he's sense of personal hygiene was near enough non-existent, you could still tell when he when in or out of his room 5 minutes later due to the smell he left behind. He used to ask me to help him with the latest game he bought for his PS2 or more then likely find out if I had any cheats for it, I tried not to stay to long since my eyes used to sting after about 3 minutes they were sore after 5 minutes. Tony used to yell at him about the smell and of course since I was the equal opportunities rep for the courtyard Andy used to come to me to lodge a complaint, any advice I gave to Andy used to go in one ear and out the other. I had Chris up stars with his music, Tony yelling at Andy, Andy complaining to me about Tony, Tony yelling at me because the amount of time Andy used to spend in my room complaining was making my room smell.
And to top it all of the careers adviser the job centre referred me to never listened me, he sent me to the same employer 3 times for the same job, who in turn gave me a whole load of reasons why I wasn't suitable, over qualified for a start, she did ask me if she was to offer me the job would I take it, I said no because I got the impression that if I said yes she would just give me more reasons why I'm not suitable, which I think was the answer she was looking for. As soon I got back the first question he asked was "did you take the job?"
"No because she never offered it to me"
but I got as far as "no" when he started going on about how that was a refusal to work, and how he's going to have to refer me back to the jobs centre, who will stop my benefits for 6 months.
I had enough went back to my room and tried to slash my wrists, what stopped me? I suddenly remembered it was my ex's birthday in a few days, birthdays are meant to be happy. I went around to see her at her friends flat, broke down in a flood of tears told her everything, she took me to see "the font of all human knowledge" AKA her housemates (between them they have more degrees, qualifications, diplomas, etc then you can shake a stick at, they been everywhere, seen everything, tried everything, etc, as long as it doesn't involve understanding female logic they can answer anything). One of the blokes there asked "if she never offered you the job, how could it be a refusal to work? If that ar****le wants to mess you around and try to get your claim shut down just go down to the job centre and make a fresh claim, if they ask tell them, oh, and be polite about it calling the ar****le an ar****le won't help. As for the ar****le's you share a house with, since their going to knock the place down to make way for the Olympic village, they've got to re-house us so you'll never seen those ar****le's again" On the way back to her friends house she told me about one of the bloke's in her house and his girlfriend. He was planning to surprise her by prosing, bought the ring, booked a romantic weekend in Paris, the works, just about to phone her up and she dumped him by text, he was planning to spend the rest of his saving on buying enough drugs to kill an elephant and just ODing, they talked him out of it.
I'm not sure if that bit about her housemate is true or she just said that to cheer me up, along the lines of "no matter how bad you feel, there always someone worse off"
sorry about the length - guess i got carried away
Quote from: Deanna_Renee on October 07, 2009, 01:38:48 AM
Good, now let's not hear any more about this topic! Okay? Everyone smiling? Hugs for everyone
This would be why I rarely talk about my depression.
It bothers people to know that I'm not as stable as I appear. It bothers people to know that I contemplate suicide. It bothers people to know that I have, for a long time, had a hard time finding a reason for living.
I have reasons though. I have responsibilities, people I care about that I can't leave at this point, and I have a chance to change some of what's weighing me down (transitioning). So, don't start telling me to stay around, I'm not leaving yet.
I don't want to be the guy that people pity.
I don't want to be the guy that makes people sad or upset.
I don't want to be the guy that gets yelled at for emotions.
etc.. etc.. etc..
Along those lines.
And so, usually, I say nothing.
There are a lot of friends that never know when I break down, even if the only thing I want to do is to reach out to another human being for a little support, I keep quiet most of the time because people will just try to cheer me up, or give me tough love, or act like it'll all go away, or suggest we don't talk about it any more.
I've allowed myself a couple of times to vent here, to this forum, or rather, just.. mention it.. which took a lot out of me.
There's only one person who gets to see me break, my partner, and even from him I tend to hide it cause I don't want to make him worried.
It's no easier for me this way. It's easier for other people.
And I don't want to burden other people with my personal problems.
But it makes it so much worse, to go it alone, and feel like you can't breathe a word, because it would burden other people.
And this is probably the hardest thread on the forum for me to post in.
Quote from: Miniar on October 07, 2009, 04:37:29 AM...it makes it so much worse, to go it alone, and feel like you can't breathe a word, because it would burden other people.
Mine own thoughts.
Thought about it once when I was 11. Never attempted or anything. Just thought about it...but I came too close for my own liking. Even though I'm not the happiest person or even look the happiest (see avatar) in the world, I'd never do it. NEVER
Quote from: Miniar on October 07, 2009, 04:37:29 AM
And I don't want to burden other people with my personal problems.
^This^ has been my life's anthem so far... Almost everything I've done in my life has been to "make things okay" for other people or to "be good". When it comes to my own needs, I don't feel that I have any right to put people out just for my own needs. So I try to just "get through this" as best I can. Problem is, bottling it up like that makes me a pressure cooker, ready to blow at any time. I snap at my partner, get grumpy or distanced from my kids, avoid my friends and family, or just sob uncontrollably when nobody's around to try and "get it all out" before anyone can see.
Similar to Miniar, I can't take my life right now, because I have my kids to worry about. In my case, they would be well taken care of by their dad (who I share custody with currently), but I know that having a parent commit suicide is a horrible thing to go through, and I can't do that to them. Especially after everything I've already done to them (left their dad and gave them a broken home, got engaged to a woman who left me after they had bonded with her as a step mom - giving them another broken home) and will eventually to do to them (come out to them as trans, ask them to accept and understand my gender identity, put them through watching me transition - effectively losing their mother, put them through the social stimga of having a trans parent, etc.)...
Yes some days I wonder if they wouldn't be better off being raised by their "normal" dad and step-mom, but it's usually the pain and confusion that my death would cause them that makes me brush off the idea of suicide and just "buckle down and get through this" for their sakes. What's really sad for me is that sometimes I resent that I can't even take myself out of this world to escape my responsibilities to everyone else and their feelings, because of those very responsibilities.
Quote from: Shelina on October 04, 2009, 10:55:18 AM
Share your experiences and thoughts on suicide please.
I seriously contemplated suicide for quite some time, but never truly attempted. I did used to cut, some of them pretty deep that I still have scars, but I was never really trying to kill myself. I haven't seriously thought about it or self injured since 2007 though
As for my current thoughts.. I don't think suicide is ever the answer, but I don't judge those who do commit suicide
(Not directed at anyone, just saying, that sayings usually aren't enough.)What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.
It's something I liked to fantasize doing when upset, but only ever really thought about it once several years ago. Wished I could do it, knew I couldn't. I wanted to live too bad, I just wanted to escape the pain of the time (unrelated to trans issues).
Post Merge: October 10, 2009, 12:50:40 AM
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.
For me, the best deterrent was being afraid I'd miss out on something if I went through with it. You know, what if I would have become a millionaire. :laugh:
Quote from: Nero on October 10, 2009, 12:47:49 AMYou know, what if I would have become a millionaire.
The love of money is the root of all motivation. :icon_giggle:
Quote from: Becca's Therapist"I love you. You are special, irreplaceable. Please don't try that again."
All
What she said! :icon_flower:
Then you could marry a beautiful girl like me & spend the rest of your life spoiling me!
As long as Nero is around, there won't ever be a shortage of throbbing hearts. :icon_pelvic_thrust2:
I'll call & raise a "tell me more about my eyes"!
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.
That's the thing, they don't.
They give more guilt.
Make you feel more like you're not really able to talk about it.
Make you feel like you're somehow just weak or unreasonable, and so on.
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.
That is so true, I had a friend commit suicide last year because he was in bad way. If he'd reached out or struggled on, the temporary problem would have passed and I'm sure he would have been ok. Unfortunately suicide is permanent. The feelings that all those close to him went through is something I'd never want to put my friends and family through.
Personally, I've often thought that suicide would be the easiest solution to what I'm going through, but to be honest I generally enjoy living and don't want it to end.
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.
Look, I don't mean to be a jerk here, but that's kind of the worst thing to say, at least to someone like myself. I don't blame you, I know you're trying to help, but the thing is most people just don't understand this particular feeling of being trapped by not only the issues (bring trans, growing up abused, even as an adult being expected to emotionally "parent" my parents, etc), but also by the inherent resposibility of being a parent myself and feeling like I've already failed my children so many times and will continue to do so. Your comment of "it's a permanent solution" makes it more enticing, especially since I know that it's not a temporary problem, when "life" is the problem, and navigating it and it's injustices is the hell I'm longing to escape, death very much seems like the only option some days. As for "if you don't care about yourself think of the people you leave behind" the problem with that is that ALL I EVER DO is think of evryone else's feeling and needs, and having someone tell me "think of their feelings" is just another reminder that my feelings, my struggles, don't matter, and I feel trapped by that and want to escape even more, sometimes even if it DOES hurt others because it seems like "maybe someone else can carry the fricken burden for awhile". As far as what it would do to my kids, I don't want to continue to hurt them, but sometimes I think at least this would only be one last way that I'd hurt them, and them I could never fail them again, because I'll be gone for good. They'll have a rough time of it, but they'll come to terms with it in the long run, they'll be raised by "normal" people who won't put them through what me living my life would put them through, and they'll probably be better off overall.
Anyhow, I know I probably sound like a jerk, railing at you for trying to help. Don't take it personally, I'm actually railing at my own life and you just caught some crossfire. Thank you though for trying, I know you mean well.
I probably shouldn't have responded this way, as was mentioned it makes people uncomfortable and you all probably just want me to say "you're right I have so much to live for" and then just shut up and let you all get back to discussing suicide in careful, whitewashed, "surface" terms.
Sorry to interrupt your thread.
James,
I for one appreciate you saying that.
It isn't said enough.
We all know the intent is to help, but the thing is, these things don't help.
It's human nature to want to help, but often enough, the only thing that helps is to allow people to voice their suffering without making them feel judged.
Like I said, the worst part is keeping quiet, and going alone, for the sake of not burdening others.
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on October 10, 2009, 10:28:44 AM
Look, I don't mean to be a jerk here, but that's kind of the worst thing to say, at least to someone like myself. I don't blame you, I know you're trying to help, but the thing is most people just don't understand this particular feeling of being trapped by not only the issues (bring trans, growing up abused, even as an adult being expected to emotionally "parent" my parents, etc), but also by the inherent resposibility of being a parent myself and feeling like I've already failed my children so many times and will continue to do so. Your comment of "it's a permanent solution" makes it more enticing, especially since I know that it's not a temporary problem, when "life" is the problem, and navigating it and it's injustices is the hell I'm longing to escape, death very much seems like the only option some days. As for "if you don't care about yourself think of the people you leave behind" the problem with that is that ALL I EVER DO is think of evryone else's feeling and needs, and having someone tell me "think of their feelings" is just another reminder that my feelings, my struggles, don't matter, and I feel trapped by that and want to escape even more, sometimes even if it DOES hurt others because it seems like "maybe someone else can carry the fricken burden for awhile". As far as what it would do to my kids, I don't want to continue to hurt them, but sometimes I think at least this would only be one last way that I'd hurt them, and them I could never fail them again, because I'll be gone for good. They'll have a rough time of it, but they'll come to terms with it in the long run, they'll be raised by "normal" people who won't put them through what me living my life would put them through, and they'll probably be better off overall.
Anyhow, I know I probably sound like a jerk, railing at you for trying to help. Don't take it personally, I'm actually railing at my own life and you just caught some crossfire. Thank you though for trying, I know you mean well.
I probably shouldn't have responded this way, as was mentioned it makes people uncomfortable and you all probably just want me to say "you're right I have so much to live for" and then just shut up and let you all get back to discussing suicide in careful, whitewashed, "surface" terms.
Sorry to interrupt your thread.
I'm sorry, but do to a lack of clarity on my part you missinterpreted. The point I was trying to make is how useless these trivial sayings are. This is a difficult issue on many levels & a short phrase just isn't enough for most myself included. Sorry again for the confusion, Isabella
Sincerely, if it helps just to be heard, please vent away, unjudged.
Either here in open forum or if you chose, in a PM to me.
The thing is, we can't know what pain someone else is going through, especially if the only way they see out of that pain is to end their Life. Death is part and parcel of Life, The two cannot be separated in this world. We surely see Death glorified enough in our media and in our reality, yet paradoxically everyone seems to think of it as a bad thing.
But Death gives us the ultimate perspective, and without it not one of us would be thinking life is so damned precious. It wasn't until I looked Death straight in the eyes, on the same level staring me in the face, and was able to honestly say "I'm not afraid of you," that I finally began to understand the meaning of living. Since then, Death just doesn't seem to hold the power it once did, and killing myself not nearly as urgent.
Quote from: FairyGirl on October 10, 2009, 11:59:54 AMIt wasn't until I looked Death straight in the eyes...
The looking down at your own body thing, is a pretty eye opening experience also.
same difference, really.
*shrugs* Between being in the military and unable to transition and working on a Labor and Delivery ward I got pretty bad. SO bad that I was holding the scissors to my chest and about to drive them. But then I had a thought, that if the male side of me wanted to die then it was time to give the female a chance at it. So now I just say my twin brother is dead, cause in several senses he is.
I don't think a quote or anything makes someone less likely to do it. It didn't for me. Coward's way out? Something better is coming? The worst is telling them to think of those they leave behind. In the darkest hours of depression people arn't thinking about the future, family, or anything really besides the pain they feel. In a way its like telling someone who just got a broken leg and is laying at your feet in tears to buck up and think about when they can go play baseball again. They don't care, they want the pain to go away.
I think the most imprtant thing to do is to kindle a spark of hope in them. Words take no more effort then the breath to speak them. If they see someone trying to lend a hand, they might look up and see the edge of that dark pit they are in, and see a light at the end of the tunnel. Much better then making them feel more guilty and depressed by making them live because of the pain it would cause to others. At that moment they need to be the center of attention to make a net for them to fall into, NOT be locked up.
Sorry, i've had lots of time to think about suicide.
Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 11:27:35 AM
I'm sorry, but do to a lack of clarity on my part you missinterpreted. The point I was trying to make is how useless these trivial sayings are. This is a difficult issue on many levels & a short phrase just isn't enough for most myself included. Sorry again for the confusion, Isabella
Thanks for the clarification Isabella, and sorry that I misread your words.
And I apologize to everyone else for my "drama" too. I swear I'm not usually all "woe is me", I've just had a really rough couple of weeks, due to a few really upsetting events, and apparently it's brought back up some of my darker feelings. I haven't really mentioned much about it around here, mostly because I didn't want to be all needy, but I guess by my outburst in this thread suggests that maybe I should talk about it. I might start a thread a little later I suppose.
Anyhow, sorry again everyone.
There were 1,5 years between my girlfriend telling her parents, and her parents accepting her for who she was so she could start taking hormones. This was when she was still a teenager, almost a decade ago now. During those 1,5 years, her life was very difficult, as her parents tried everything to keep her from being who she was, going as far as saying things as 'you're just an effimate boy' and 'you can be whatever you want to be inside the house, as long as you keep up your male appearance and personae [the 'facade'] to the outside world'. This worst thing they said, was that, and I quote 'nobody will want you for what you are. You will be alone for the rest of your life if you transition'.
They were basically more concerned with what the 'outside world' would think than with the well-being of their own daughter. Things have much improved since then, but she's never forgiven them for this. Nor should se.
She had a very severe depression because of this, which eventually became suïcidal. She could not be who she was, having to put up a facade all the time. The people who were the closest to her, the only people she had, who she relied on for support, did not understand her, turned her away. They kept her from being herself by actively trying to dissuade her, as they had to give their consent for the transition (she was still underage at the time). Things led from bad to worse. She never did drugs, or knives, or anything of the sort, just getting more and more depressed every day. She started wondering if it made any difference if she were dead. The answer she got back from herself was 'no'.
Eventually, one day, as she was staying in her parent's 10th story appartment, she walked out to the edge of the balcony, looked down and was about to jump. She just didn't care anymore. She stood there for ten minutes, which seemed like an eternity. Eventually though, she turned back. She didn't want it to end that way, there and then.
The week after that, after she'd told her parents about her near-suïcide, they realised how much it meant for her, finally accepted her. Things have gotten much better since. She got out of her depression, transitioned with HRT and SRS.
Now, she can't imagine what it was like, being in that depressed state. But she can still very vividly recall that moment, standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down into oblivion. For her, it was a turning point in her life.
Does volunteering for military service in the middle of a shooting war count as suicide?
Maybe we could call it oppertunistic suicide. If it happens, it happens. Then I don't have to deal with anything anymore!
Dani
P.S. I survived by the Grace of God!
I've been very fortunate in that I've never had thoughts of suicide, nor have I have ever experienced the loss of a loved one through it.
Suicidal people need help, and I think society should be more aware of what suicidal people are feeling, and how those around them can help.
Quote from: Miniar on October 07, 2009, 04:37:29 AM
But it makes it so much worse, to go it alone, and feel like you can't breathe a word, because it would burden other people.
this
Quote from: Dee_pntx on October 23, 2009, 04:26:37 PM
Don't worry, I am NOT a DTSO..
May I ask what DTSO is?
Definitely thought out it, even was probably DTSO as the more I went deeper into depression, the more I had to restrain myself from acting violent toward others.
Thankfully I've got my mind off that track.
Quote from: Dee_pntx on October 23, 2009, 04:26:37 PM
I've tried a few times.
I think about it every day, all day and all night, 365/24/7
It's only a matter of time, one day I will do it.
Don't know when but eventually I will. Not today, not tomorrow.
Don't worry, I am NOT a DTSO..
I was like this for quite awhile. I was given court ordered therapy.
I decided to continue with the therapy afterwards because it was and is helping allot. Sure, I still have my dark days and nights. But I've learned to deal with stuff in a much more mature and responsible manor.
Plus I still have my odd sense of humor :laugh: which also helps allot
Put the gun to my head. Couldn't do it. Fell into a serious funk for a very long time. I at least I have moved from that place. I never want to go there again, I might actualy pull the trigger. I have found that as long as I am actively doing something to transition I do not face that depression. If I backslide or go into denial that suicidal depression comes back. Its rough. I haven't even told my wife this part of my issues. I don't want her going through the house hiding the guns and knives, and having me locked up for observation. No ty.
So I just come to these suport sites and try and be usefull for others and reap some therapy from the experiance for myself.
I've attempted before. I would have been successful if I wasn't revived by modern medicine. I OD'd 8-ish years ago.
Being bipolar, I still sometimes think about and I'm still at risk when I'm extremely depressed. It's just part of my life. I deal with it through years of counseling and medication. I've gone on and off of medication a few times. Medication does help in my case.
Sometimes people are very against medication. I agree in part. Not everyone needs medication and medication isn't a cure -- it's a treatment. Over medication can become a cocktail that spirals out of control. But, for some people medication is needed in conjunction with counseling and life coping skills.
Mental illness is as real as cancer. And, yes, it can kill.
It's been a while since I thought of doing it. As a kid I was always thinking of ways I'd like to die but never took the steps to do it. The last time I seriously tried it was after my mom's murder (1992). I had reached rock bottom with no support, about to lose my job, no hope for student loans since my step father wouldn't sign them and an already dismal look on life. I had been drinking a lot that day and tried to cut my wrists. It was one of my lowest points in my life but the feeling never really went away until I began the path I'm on today.
Today, I know that it's not the best route and no matter how painful, I'll eventually get through whatever I face in life.
I have thoughts about it all the time. I had the same thoughts for most of my life and they are all gender related.
I got to the lowest point I could in 1999 and wanted to drive into a wall. I had to start my transition at that point as I couldn't take it anymore. 10 years down the line I still feel depressed and sometimes suicidal because HRT didn't work for me the way I thought it would and I found so much misleading information over the years regarding what can and can't be achieved. If anything the reality is far more scary than at the beginning when you actually believe it's going to work but the longer I go on the more cynical and disillusioned I have become about this whole transitional process.
But something inside of me keep going and I keep looking for alternatives and new ideas which may or may not work and for some reason I don't give up but I have been very close on occasions to throw in the towl.
I went the easy way out. I had just come from a men's bible study where they sat there and had a condemning match on me as to why I was wrong. I came away from it feeling like God would rather have me dead than be a woman.
I went home, shut the garage and left the engine running.
Thankfully my wife woke up and opened the garage. At the time I was not thankful though....
I think about it alot and have had a couple failed attempts. My 1st attempt was at 10yrs old the same year I hit puberty. My mom never found out about that, but my last attempt actually landed me in the hospital PCU (psychiatric care unit) for 8 days. I was on suicide watch the entire time and got caught stealing a knife and other assorted metal instruments. I've been on like 14-16 different depression and anxiety meds that haven't done anything for me or made my suicide want even worse (Ativan will kill me). I'm on wellbutrin for my depression but honestly I still think about dying a lot.
The med.s made me worse also. So I quit taking them and started concentrating on eating healthier.
Plus I still see a therapist.
That seems to help allot
I know I need to eat better, but finances are bad and I can't afford therapy :-\
My story is I often thought about it in my teens like 13-16 because I started off feeling all wrong and got tired, deppressed of being what I was since I didn't feel it was me but then I got sick for 4 years strate and about a year and a half of all that I would have killed my self but I didn't want ANY painful way so I would only do it if I could get my hands on a gun and being home bound for most of the day I didn't know anyone that could and I wasn't of legal age to do it my self. I did think about overdose with sleeping pills but I heard about a lot of bad things that could happen before you die, true or not I didn't know the difference and wasn't going to chance it. Good part is I got better and now I'm on the right path to change my life around so I'm glad I had that fear and wasn't able to kill my self. There are so many things to do in this world to change anyones life. I don't think any one should not attempt to commit suicide cause there is always another road to take.
Attempted many times, only a threat to succeed twice that I can recall. Once by taking a handful of vivarin and asprin (caffeine and blood thinners, yum yum) before going to work; once through really severe self-injury (oh, that was fun...).
I mostly lived with the intent to die- next to no sleep, continuous caffeine overdose, diet pills, starvation, moderate yet constant self-injury... but never booze or drugs.
Can't say I don't still flirt with that lifestyle pretty consistently. But at least I have reasons to live, now. I can actually picture a future for myself where I'm a useful, productive, happy person.
I wish I could picture myself as being who I am and have that keep me going but it doesn't. I only see myself as in the now and that is so depressing.
When I was feeling down I wanted to try doing this but didn't want to upset my family or closest friends and they are the sole reason im still here, fortunately I haven't even thought about it in 4 months, I have been fixing things ;)
Keep on fixing things clhere and welcome to Susan's :)
I've only ever had them in passing but always quickly dismissed them. However due to current events for the first time they have stuck around hardcore. I can say the saving grace at this moment is that I do not have the backbone for it. As much as I hate life right now I could never bring myself to run myself through.
Tried but was thankfully a failure. Started medication for depression. AWESOME. The black dog disappeared and life is what life is.
If anyone is having suicidal thoughts, please contact medical help. Even if it's the ER in the local hospital.
Cindy
Quote from: CindyJames on November 08, 2009, 01:32:46 AM
Tried but was thankfully a failure. Started medication for depression. AWESOME. The black dog disappeared and life is what life is.
If anyone is having suicidal thoughts, please contact medical help. Even if it's the ER in the local hospital.
Cindy
Been there, done that. Been on some 14+ meds that were failures. I'm on one medication now for depression but it still doesn't keep me from feeling death would be better.
Thought about? Definitely.
Tried it? Not really. I am (or was?) more of a cutter but I'd never do enough damage to really classify as an attempt at suicide. I do have some scars, though.
Yep been there and peered over the edge. Still do. But I haven't jumped. I also went through a period of doing the self harm thing as well. Counseling, medication....you have heard the stories. Mine is a lot the same. But I have to admit, sometimes it is a real struggle.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
i may eventually turn to that if i can't get what i need.
Quote from: YellowDaisy on November 09, 2009, 07:27:57 PM
i may eventually turn to that if i can't get what i need.
Never give up
Give up is something I do often. I have no faith in me, so death just seems the kinder option.
Everyday is a struggle. Some days are better then others. I never actually did anything, but thought about it. Doing something about my situation and medication seem to help. I don't think my my thoughts of suicide or gender identity problems will ever go away.
Don't give up - (A poem I wrote)
Yes, everyday is a struggle. The nights alone are even a greater struggle
That felling, that urge does not go away.
But please, realize you are not alone. We are all here with you.
Don't give up
Please don't make us cry
Don't give up
We are here with you
Don't give up
stay strong for us
Don't give up
We Love and Need you
Don't give up
- Virginia Marie
That's nice Virginia,
I totally agree, sometimes it just seem worthwhile plodding on. But the world would be a poorer place without us.
Who else can we turn too for help if not ourselves?
Cindy