I really wanted to take a drawing class this semester, but with the way scheduling fell, it wasn't an option.
Luckily I have a 2.5 hour class block where I don't take notes. So I find myself drawing more and more instead.
And the drawing style doesn't look like my hand. It's not miraculous or amazing or anything, but it's a different, better style than I remember having. Might just be me getting older, but I wonder if it has to do with changing brain chemistry or something of that sort - the way emotions change.
I think your creativity can change because your psychology has changed. Meaning, that because you've freed more of yourself you're more open to the creativity with in you. That's how I see it, anyway. I've found that my creativity has changed, as well as different aspects of my life. As different barriers are taken down and you allow yourself to be yourself (transition), then you open up on many levels.
I have heard from other MtFs that they experience heightened senses. A greater sense of color, smell, clearer vision, clearer thoughts, etc. I could see this contributing greatly towards increased creativity and artistic sensitivity. At least I am hoping that it does work that way. As a graphic designer, I could use some extra creativity. You'll have to keep me informed as I am still some way off from starting HRT - need a job and money first.
Deanna
I've been a full time professional CG artist for 8 years, and art was a main interest all my life. but my creativity in that department sometimes seems to lack a fervor it once had, and I attribute that in part to my diminished libido since HRT. Go figure. I can still get in the zone when working on something new, but it seems to take more effort to get there, at least sometimes. On the other hand I've been more inspired in other creative endeavors, so I guess it balances out.
Quote from: FairyGirl on October 19, 2009, 11:47:10 PM
I've been a full time professional CG artist for 8 years, and art was a main interest all my life. but my creativity in that department sometimes seems to lack a fervor it once had, and I attribute that in part to my diminished libido since HRT. Go figure. I can still get in the zone when working on something new, but it seems to take more effort to get there, at least sometimes. On the other hand I've been more inspired in other creative endeavors, so I guess it balances out.
I keep suddenly realizing every now and then that I'm *not* thinking about sex. Which I did a fair bit of the time before. It really is amazing what testosterone does to the mind. Those poor FTMs. *sigh* I'm already forgetting what it was like, mostly because it was basically subconscious thought - a compulsion, a need, a desire. I wish I could hold on to the memory of the feelings I used to have so I could keep them in mind when relating to men. Oh well. Mars, venus.
And I drive the speed limit much more frequently. I feel like I'm in less of a hurry a lot of the time. Well, and I want to avoid the cops heh.
My creativity seemed to open up during transition, I won't say 'increased' although it could have. I flow from thought to thought more quickly now, rather than linger over the same thing. This has allowed more diversity, and a sense of completeness rather than perfection if that makes sense. An apt word is interconnected.
In particular, as an aspiring writer, I feel as if characters I write about seem more like real people rather than symbolic or abstract representations of a person.
remove t remove aggrissive behavior IE driving fast etc at least thats my oppinion although i dont think i was ever really agrressive at anything i think my body has been resisting t my entire life lol when i was real young this boy next door would beat me up like every other day. One day my mom who by the way was the only person who knew i was not meant to be a boy got sick of it and told me the next time he attacks you hit him with whatever you have in your hand. well that day came the next day and what i was holding was a pronged yard rake. He hit me and i hit him. 3 of the prongs stuck in his head and luckily i didnt kill him or cause any permanant damage but i cried about it for days it was the worst i ever felt. After that my mom told me she was sorry she ever told me to hit him back it is not apart of your spirit to harm others.
A little off topic but T has interesting effects on people so it wouldnt be suprising to me if your crativity has changed do to the removal of it.
jessica
Quote from: Autumn on October 20, 2009, 03:37:57 AM
I keep suddenly realizing every now and then that I'm *not* thinking about sex. Which I did a fair bit of the time before. It really is amazing what testosterone does to the mind. Those poor FTMs. *sigh* I'm already forgetting what it was like, mostly because it was basically subconscious thought - a compulsion, a need, a desire. I wish I could hold on to the memory of the feelings I used to have so I could keep them in mind when relating to men. Oh well. Mars, venus.
Same here, Autumn. Losing my male sex drive/thinking "
prison" is by far the best thing that has come from my HRT! (Well, the breasts are nice too. ;) )
Quotebut my creativity in that department sometimes seems to lack a fervor it once had, and I attribute that in part to my diminished libido since HRT.
FairyGirl: Again, I can relate to a lack of drive as well. I read somewhere that sometimes a MTF taking high doses of estrogen can cause confusion in thinking patterns. It really takes a concentrated effort to get the things done that before estrogen was not an issue.
My creative outlets changed big time on HRT. I found that software programming became less intriguing but using AutoCAD to make drawings and schematics was fascinating. Then I went from being almost not able to put two words together to writing every day in a journal, that morphed into my needing to write short stories about my youth then that morphed into a novel. Last week, I have finished my second novel. I think something got unlocked in my brain and now I just love to write. Before HRT, I was really upset if I had to write anything. So I'd say that creativity increased and changed focus.
Maggie
I'd love to see responses from some of the boys.
I'm thinking of that Seinfeld show where George went without sex & got really smart & Elaine went without & turned into a fruit cake. Then George had sex & could bearly tie his shoes, then Elaine had sex & was all of a sudden smart as a whip.
Havnt tranisitioned yet but I found since starting HRT my concentration on my job improved dramatically.
I used to have the ability to...well, to fantasize about imaginary people in such a realistic way that they were totally real to me. When I was really in the zone, I could actually feel them touching me, for example.
After a few months on testosterone, I no longer seemed to have this ability. I can't say that the T is to blame; I really don't know. But I do suspect that it was a contributing factor. However, I started having some problems with the fantasy factory well before I started T. Maybe the hormone was just the final nail in an inevitable coffin.
I feel that I have lost an essential part of who I am.
This is a very important issue for me. I am an abstract expressionist but haven't painted in a year or so. I figured out that most of my art had reflected the conflict I had with my gender. Now that I have resolved that conflict I am very curious what kind of expression I can put to canvas. I am going to start painting again soon and see what happens.
I added my art link to my signature if anyone is interested.
Post Merge: October 23, 2009, 01:16:01 PM
Quote from: Autumn on October 20, 2009, 03:37:57 AM
I keep suddenly realizing every now and then that I'm *not* thinking about sex. Which I did a fair bit of the time before. It really is amazing what testosterone does to the mind. Those poor FTMs. *sigh* I'm already forgetting what it was like, mostly because it was basically subconscious thought - a compulsion, a need, a desire. I wish I could hold on to the memory of the feelings I used to have so I could keep them in mind when relating to men. Oh well. Mars, venus.
And I drive the speed limit much more frequently. I feel like I'm in less of a hurry a lot of the time. Well, and I want to avoid the cops heh.
I often worry about FTMs as well! :) After I finally got rid of most of that evil smelly testosterone! j/k guys.
I am with you on the driving part. In general I find I am very calm and patient now which is the exact opposite of what I used to be. I absolutely cherish this new found tranquility.
I don't think I am more or less creative than before, but I am freer to express it. That may just be because I am at last free to be me. It's almost like now I have given myself persmission to be creative (or not).
Quote from: Dana Lane on October 23, 2009, 01:10:38 PM
I am with you on the driving part. In general I find I am very calm and patient now which is the exact opposite of what I used to be. I absolutely cherish this new found tranquility.
I noticed this driving and riding my motorcycle. I can still run with the fast boys, but I just feel I have less to prove and so can poke along if I feel like it. I used to be on the verge of road rage at times; now I just wish them well and hope they don't hurt anybody when they kill themselves. ::)
- Kate
My creativity flavour has not so much changed, but rather been tempered & added to. I haveven't let go of anything, but rather included, with vigour, female options. The truely scariest thing is that I've become a total Disney nerndy gurl. I want to check out all the Disney dvds from the library, but I don't because I would be taking options away from children. But a gurl can dream, & mine are all have a Tinkerbell intro.
Kids can learn patience by having to wait for their turn!
Okay. I don't speed like I used to, but i am a complete bitch behind the wheel now. I notice every ->-bleeped-<- who doesn't use their signal, who comes to a complete stop before turning, speeds up above the speed limit at the last second to run the red instead of just speeding the whole time, etc.
I want them all to suffer fatal brain aneurysms in their sleep.
This may just be because I am working 25-30 hours/week, full time school, falling behind, and my mother has gone completely insane and suicidal and I don't want to come home because her OCD rituals have made it inhabitable. Or it's that time of the month.
Quote from: Autumn on October 23, 2009, 11:08:40 PM
Kids can learn patience by having to wait for their turn!
Okay. I don't speed like I used to, but i am a complete bitch behind the wheel now. I notice every ->-bleeped-<- who doesn't use their signal, who comes to a complete stop before turning, speeds up above the speed limit at the last second to run the red instead of just speeding the whole time, etc.
I want them all to suffer fatal brain aneurysms in their sleep.
The ones that really get me are the brilliant minds who step on the gas to pull out into traffic, right in front of you, and then promptly slow down to 10-15 mph slower than you are going so that you have to slam on your brakes and hope the idiot behind you is watching traffic and not texting her bf while putting on her makeup and eating her scrambled eggs, smoking a cigarette and reading the latest Danielle Steele novel.
Deanna
Quote from: Miniar on October 20, 2009, 02:36:18 PM
I'd love to see responses from some of the boys.
I haven't really noticed much of a change. I finished my second novel six months into HRT, and the only reason I haven't started a new painting is cos I haven't been able to get a new canvas.
I've been writing a few more rock/rhythm-and-blues songs and a little less avant-garde/neo-classical stuff, but that's about it. I've been going through a bit of a downswing in my overall mood and there are a couple characters in two half-started novels that just haven't been "talking to me" (if you write fiction, hopefully you don't think that sounds schizophrenic), and I was a little afraid for a day last week that maybe this was all testosterone's fault -- but then I remembered that these characters went AWOL months before I started HRT, and the next day I started writing something else.
So, yeah, no real change for me -- if anything, I feel like my creativity is more centred and less like a pinball machine.
As an artist (doodler, singer, writer) I needed that reply, thanks Young Soul.
And no, that doesn't seem schizo, no more than the canvas singing to me, the paper unfolding itself to me, or my own characters "speaking" to me.
I've found myself, now that the countdown's less than 30 days, worrying a little bit that I'll loose any of this fundamental aspect of my being. I am an artist, if T changes that at all, what'll I be?
Miniar,
I wouldn't worry too much. I mean there are many creative people, both male and female, so creativity is not confined to a certain hormone. I would imagine that the hormones, while effecting behaviors to a greater or lesser degree may likely have some effect on the nature or flavor of your creativity. I don't see it creating or destroying creativity - you either have it or not to begin with.
My hopes are that after I start on hormones is that E gives me an opportunity to see or perceive things more vibrantly or from a different perspective - more in line with the way I feel.
My design work and photography very often speaks to me as well.
Deanna
Quote from: Miniar on October 24, 2009, 09:34:25 AM
As an artist (doodler, singer, writer) I needed that reply, thanks Young Soul.
And no, that doesn't seem schizo, no more than the canvas singing to me, the paper unfolding itself to me, or my own characters "speaking" to me.
I've found myself, now that the countdown's less than 30 days, worrying a little bit that I'll loose any of this fundamental aspect of my being. I am an artist, if T changes that at all, what'll I be?
I think that adage that "everybody is affected differently" is definitely true, but at the same time, a lot of people were telling me a
lot of things that were supposedly going to happen to my mood and personality after testosterone started to really take effect, and these things just never happened. Oh, I got all the physical effects -- superfluous body hair, spoken voice dropping to the tenor/baritenor range, the need for falsetto and/or head voice technique to preserve the ability to sing in a mezzo-soprano range (yes, I'm a classically trained singer); at my age (28), I wasn't even expecting any height gain or change in clothing size, but I was 4'11¾" pre-HRT, and 5'1½" a year and eight days later and my shoes have gone from a UK4 to a UK6 (U$ Men's 7).
On the other hand, I've been told that I'd actually have to fight back throwing punches over anything, and if anything, I was doing that so much prior it wasn't funny, but now I've been overall much calmer and more likely to try and talk my way down from a fight.
People also told me, and this one I can quote cos I found it so ridiculous both then and now "...and you won't even be able to cry, ever, not even when you want to!" And this past year, I've had to stop watching
Law & Order: SVU altogether cos every other epi8sode is about children and it just
gets to me. Last week in the car, "Saulsbury Hill" (http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/peter+gabriel/solsbury+hill_20107506.html) came on, a song I've sang along with a hundred time before, and suddenly a verse and a half into the song, I found this was the first time I actually had to turn off the radio to keep from crying -- but even that wasn't fully effective. Oh, I've been having no random crying fits for inexplicable reasons this last year, but I've also been pretty far from having a complete inability to cry, like some people predicted with amazing Criswell-like abilities.
At least one person even told me that my creativity "will die", and as I've detailed, that hasn't been the case at all.
I honestly think part of it is psychosomatic -- there are things that people subconsciously associate with masculinity and femininity, and so without realising that they're doing it, they're falling victim to their own pre-conceived notions about what hormones will do. The way hormones effect sex drive and things like one's overall mood are well-documented, but some emotionally-associated idiosyncrasies seem far less-connected to the presence or absence of certain hormones than others, which suggests a psychological element to HRT.
Quote from: Deanna_Renee on October 24, 2009, 12:15:00 AM
The ones that really get me are the brilliant minds who step on the gas to pull out into traffic, right in front of you, and then promptly slow down to 10-15 mph slower than you are going so that you have to slam on your brakes and hope the idiot behind you is watching traffic and not texting her bf while putting on her makeup and eating her scrambled eggs, smoking a cigarette and reading the latest Danielle Steele novel.
Deanna
THAT'S THE ONE!!! Most people are at least annoyed if someone pulls out in front of them. Personally, I can shrug it off if they are aggresive & take off from there, but these idiots that pull out in front of me & go 1/2 the speed limit are many of the ones causing the accidents that involve other vehicles. The most effective solution to this I've seen was riding w/a friend from work in his Chevy K5 w/nobbie tires. This was more than loud enough to get eveyone's attention, but it was also raised to the max. when you hear that sound, look in your rear veiw, see only BIG ol' tires, you're gonna get the heck out of the way FAST!!!
I'm really indifferent to other people's driving. Everyone has somewhere to go, it's not really going to make me much later if someone pulls in front of me because they're driving more 'aggressively' than I am. Good job, they made it to the next traffic light a little faster. So much was accomplished.
The only thing that gets me is when people don't use their turn signals, or turn them on... AS they are turning. Potential for a lot of accidents. But I don't get very angry over that... I've never used my car horn ever.
Quote from: Ketsy on October 24, 2009, 08:33:40 PM
I'm really indifferent to other people's driving. Everyone has somewhere to go, it's not really going to make me much later if someone pulls in front of me because they're driving more 'aggressively' than I am. Good job, they made it to the next traffic light a little faster. So much was accomplished.
The only thing that gets me is when people don't use their turn signals, or turn them on... AS they are turning. Potential for a lot of accidents. But I don't get very angry over that... I've never used my car horn ever.
The turn signal thing used to drive me up the wall! Since starting HRT they don't bug me as much as they used to. I still wish people would signal their intentions, though!
I am an artist by trade and by passion (Graphic Designer by day, painter/writer/anything-creative-er by night), and this thread was really worrying me until I got to YoungSoulRebel's post...
I just hope that you weren't the "one lucky one" and that I still end up losing my muse... :(
Oh well, years left til I have to worry about that I suppose!
Quote from: NES_junkie_James on October 25, 2009, 01:43:56 PM
I am an artist by trade and by passion (Graphic Designer by day, painter/writer/anything-creative-er by night), and this thread was really worrying me until I got to YoungSoulRebel's post...
I just hope that you weren't the "one lucky one" and that I still end up losing my muse... :(
Oh well, years left til I have to worry about that I suppose!
Well, Celtic/Pagan musician Heather Alexander became Alexander James Adams in 2007, and he's released at least four records since, all post-HRT:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heather_Alexander (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heather_Alexander)
The idea that testosterone will, without a doubt, "kill one's creativity" is unfounded.
I didn't think T would, and then I saw all the girls talk about how E was making them so much more creative, and I started worrying a little.
Quote from: Miniar on October 25, 2009, 02:26:00 PMI didn't think T would, and then I saw all the girls talk about how E was making them so much more creative, and I started worrying a little.
I guess I can see why one would be concerned, but I honestly think the larger factor is psychological.
This society, largely, has restricted The Arts to the realm of women and "effeminate" gay men, with rare exceptions. Even (ostensibly) natal male painters and such who are, in fact, heterosexual are often assumed to be gay based on the fact that he's an artist. Even Jim Morrison, one of the most heterosexual men in rock music, has had to deal with posthumous accusations of homosexuality. So it makes sense to me that still-in-the-closet TS women may repress their creative urges to prevent being seen as "gay men" -- and, in all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me if the underlying reason for many of the TS men I've encountered who
have claimed "T killed [their] creativity" was a psychosomatic drive to essentially shut it off themselves in order to be perceived as "more masculine" with the ostensible subconscious hope that this self-suppression would "make [them] pass better".
But when you look at how many natal men are fiction writers, musicians, artists, etc... -- and how many of them are actually hetero (which is important because whether most people admit it or not, the idea that "gay = effeminate" is deeply socialised into many people) -- there is no genuine "proof" that testosterone therapy "kills creativity". If you were creative before, you'll be creative after, unless one is harbouring the subconscious belief that "creativity is feminine", and that could very well prompt one to unwittingly shut off that part of themselves after starting testosterone.
Oh I consider myself quite feminine in a way and I'm in a homosexual relationship at the moment so there's no worry that I might go "oh noez! can't be artiest cuz then ppl'll think I'z ghey!" (when did I become a lolcat.... ?)
I'm an artist. Always have been.
Always will be.
Just worried there for a sec, that I might have a harder time wrangling my Muse.
Yeah, if testosterone has changed anything about my personality, it's actually made me far MORE tolerant of the band Army of Lovers (look up videos on YouTube, if you're unfamiliar) and the more disco-oriented Marc Almond records (like Fantastic Star). Also found myself listening to Cyndi Lauper most of last week -- something I haven't really don't since I was twelve -- and enjoying it far more than when I was a kid. I've also been dancing more.
And like I said, my creativity seems to be better focused and less spastic/erratic. I've been better able to concentrate on what I'm doing, verse meters are a bit less of a struggle, even mixing paints seems more "process" than "gamble" (but this could also be from just building up experience with doing that).
More focus would be brilliant.
Quote from: Miniar on October 25, 2009, 03:35:59 PMI'm an artist. Always have been.
Always will be.
Just worried there for a sec, that I might have a harder time wrangling my Muse.
I really don't think T would hamper that at all. Here's my deal: Before HRT, testosterone made my life a living hell simply because I had the raging sex drive of a rogue elephant, and it "infected" every single thing I did. Always. As an artist myself, over time I had managed to learn how to channel some of that sexual energy into my art work, into creativity and inspiration. That doesn't mean I did erotic art, just that I learned to direct that raw energy into different, creative channels.
Since T has all but been replaced with estrogen in my body now, I just don't have that monstrous sex drive to channel anymore, and it was an adjustment for me to "find my muse" again so to speak. I have found her, and I now feel as creative as ever. But it comes from a different place, and that's something I would have never foreseen as being an effect of hormone replacement.
Quote from: FairyGirl on October 25, 2009, 04:59:36 PM
I really don't think T would hamper that at all. Here's my deal: Before HRT, testosterone made my life a living hell simply because I had the raging sex drive of a rogue elephant, and it "infected" every single thing I did. Always. As an artist myself, over time I had managed to learn how to channel some of that sexual energy into my art work, into creativity and inspiration. That doesn't mean I did erotic art, just that I learned to direct that raw energy into different, creative channels.
Since T has all but been replaced with estrogen in my body now, I just don't have that monstrous sex drive to channel anymore, and it was an adjustment for me to "find my muse" again so to speak. I have found her, and I now feel as creative as ever. But it comes from a different place, and that's something I would have never foreseen as being an effect of hormone replacement.
Ahhhh... then there is hope. The possibility of a different kind of creativity energy is an angle I hadn't thought about before. It makes a lot of sense. I'm going to stop worrying about it, keep searching and just let it happen. Thank you FairyGirl for posting your thoughts on this topic.
Late to the game (as usual) but...
For me, I initially had greater difficulty in spatial visualization that lasted for about three months and had a pretty strong impact on my work at the time (short version: I ceased doing it).
But my primary creative skill and passion has always been language and writing -- if it involves words, odds are i'm into it in some form or another.
That said, I wrote my last novel in the early 1990's. After that, the creativity in my main passion dried up as if I'd been hit with something far worse than writers block.
In the three years prior to my starting transition, I began to have some inklings and flashes of stuff again (poetry, mostly, but also a great deal of semi-technical stuff relying on my work as a consultant in IP work within the community I was involved in and a penchant I have for written insults).
Indeed, I finally started a new long form story just before I came out to myself that was in a horror vein.
Then I came out to myself, and things got complicated for a while. As they have calmed down over the last two years, and my life has become more stable, I've begun writing again in all manner of forms, and its coming out of me like water -- a torrent that even my previous works never matched.
And I'm doing more of the spatial work, too (a friend named stefan better watch out, lol).
So I would say that my experience has been the opposite -- my output has increased multiple fold over what it was before.
But the first short bit of transition -- for me, about the first 18 months, where there was little to no stability -- I wouldn't have been able to do much.