Hello there everyone :) This issue has been bugging me a while so I thought I'd post and hear all of your opinions and personal experiences. I've been really down lately about the fact that I am turning 20 years old soon and I have still not been in a relationship. I've not even had my first kiss :( I know its hard with my situation seeing as to how I am female on the inside but a boy on the out. I've actually been on hormones for 3 months now but because of my family cannot come out fully yet. It's just so weird to find someone when you are half this and half that ya know? I feel like most guys in general just want either a complete man or woman, which is why they haven't really looked at me.
I've done alot of self evaluating on this and realized that it most likely has to do with my fear of men. I live in a very strict and hateful culture for gay/trans people, and men have scarred me in the past in multiple ways due to my "femininity". Somehow the image of how men in my culture have treated me just sticks in my brain causing me to be afraid of all men in general. I am even afraid to even stare at guys for more than a second when I'm at school many times because I fear if they think I like them, they will be offended and want to attack me. I know it sounds completely unrealistic and stupid, but I am sure my fear is what's preventing them from even getting a chance to come up to me and conversate.
I am not desperate (or at least dont act like I am), I'm extremely happy with my life, would say I am pretty cute for what others call a "femme boy", I have amazing friends, and am a very happy and social person in general which is why it doesnt make sense as to how I haven't found love yet. Could it just be my fear of men? Or is it just the fact that the right person has not yet come along? OK Ill stop rambling now lol any advice would be amazingly helpful!
Sugar, relationships are not all they are cracked up to be. By the time I was 20, I had been married once and had two children and close to divorce.
Take your time and learn you first and then you can look into relationships.
Janet
You ought to go to bed every night and thank god for that dear. Forming "love relationships" that lead to marriage at that age is worse than heroin. At least heroin has some aspect that is pleasure. Wait. Get educated. Get a real job so your not out on the street. Establish a live that is worth bringing people into.
And pre-nuptial marriage agreements are your friend.
Well; desire for a relationship is probably the best ticket to a single life..
Honestly; don't go out looking for a guy. If at all; just go out. Go out, and meet people. Find social hobbies, and the like..
Men will flock to you. ^_^ Trust me; while to a lot of people, the 'unknown' is scary and threatening, it's attractive and exciting, for others. Who knows; you might even hook up with a straight guy, some day.
Stranger things have happened.
If you're not blatantly looking for a relationship, you can socialize more freely, with less expectation. Besides; looking for a relationship creates a kind of.. Aura of insecurity. (While appealing to some men, it isn't, for most.)
Also, socializing freely and without expectation actually allows people you socialize wíth to fall in love with yóú.
20 is young.
Very young.
I had been in a lot of "relationships" at that age and none of them were remotely healthy or good for me.
It wasn't 'till I met my current partner that I got it right.
It's been about 3 and a half years since we started this thing, and at the time we weren't serious and had no intention of being serious. Neither of us were looking for a relationship. We were just fooling around.
Anyway..
Looking for a relationship is the quickest way to find a bad one.
One that leaves you in shambles.
Even if you think it's "right" at the time.
The only times I found a good relationship were when I wasn't looking. ::)
- Kate
Twenty is young. Gee I was 29 before I was kissed.... Long story.... Relax and as others have said don't go looking for romance. Romance will find you.
Beni
As others have said, 20 is very young, there is still a lot of time left for stuff to happen! And don't just accept the first person who offers for the sake of it, make sure it is someone who has enough good qualities to be worthy of you. When people I know have got into a relationship because they're lonely, or they want to conform to the social norms, it has been a disaster because it wasn't fun for them in the long run...
Relax, life and love are wild and random things that you cannot predict or control, so just kick back and let it happen! And it most definitely will. ;) (Le gasp! A prediction! Oh well, I don't think there's much possibility you'll never ever have a relationship. It could be with anyone... even those closest to you... Woooooo, spooky... :P)
Nothing I had before 20 was really love, a lot of lust and what I thought was love. Don't worry and like Kate says you never find it while you are looking. I have been with my current SO since I was 22 and am 40 now so give yourself a little time and take it slow. Yeah I know it is easier said than done.
Good Luck
Andrew
Thank you to all of you who replied and I appreciate the advice. I know that its going to happen when I least expect it/ am not looking for it, as my friends have all told me, but how do I stop wanting to look for it? That's the hardest thing is just letting go and not wanting it so much. Ugh I'm getting better at though lol thanks lovelies!
If she has never had a relationship before 20 is too old. Everyone need love. Everyone needs someone to touch them.
You might think the situation is different than, say, your "ordinary" relationships. Most relationships nose dive. And then, while you may have experience, you are not any better off than you were before. And maybe just new friends is enough. That is good so long as the thing doesn't abuse you. :D
Quote from: Princess_Jasmine on November 25, 2009, 10:46:20 PM
Thank you to all of you who replied and I appreciate the advice. I know that its going to happen when I least expect it/ am not looking for it, as my friends have all told me, but how do I stop wanting to look for it? That's the hardest thing is just letting go and not wanting it so much. Ugh I'm getting better at though lol thanks lovelies!
Well, look at it this way, when it does come along you want to be prepared.
I recently got out of a relationship, and it does suck sometimes being single, however I've been spending all my time working productively on myself and other things that time goes by so fast. And when the lucky lady does come by, I'll be ready for it.
As Tristan said, use the time to work on yourself so that when the right person comes along you will be right for them, too. Make new friends. Learn to be a friend. Do interesting things. Get on with your life.
I know, it may sound easy but isn't. There are few guidelines. But as you become more wonderful, more wonderful people will want to be with you.
Good luck, hun. :icon_flower:
- Kate
Tristan got it right.
You stop looking for someone else, by focusing on yourself instead.
Learn to love yourself, accept yourself, etc..
Better yourself, know yourself, etc...
And try to learn that there isn't a soulmate out there.
There is no relationship that doesn't take commitment, hard work, and a lot of energy, from everyone involved, to be a "good" relationship.
The only person that can complete you, is you.
When you find that person, you want to be a "complete" person, capable of having a functioning relationship anyway, so working on you now is a good step towards having a "real" relationship later.
Quote from: Miniar on November 26, 2009, 07:56:43 AM
And try to learn that there isn't a soulmate out there.
Beg to differ! Once postop I found my soulmate.
Only, as I was enjoying dating men at the time I certainly wasn't expecting it to be another woman... But she and I have made 21 faithful years so far with very little effort.
Once we got past the fact that niether of us was a Lesbian at the start we just seemed made for each other and things just kind of fell into place. We even both found our sexual orientation changed...
So weird things sometimes can and do happen on the field of love... even soulmates!