How old were you when you realized that you were a man/woman, and descided to do something about it.
For me, I guess "realized" it a few times but i didn't descide to take action untill now that I'm 22....I wish I had the courage earlier.
I "knew" I wasn't "a girl" when I was a kid, but I didn't understand the whole of the thing properly and I didn't know how I could know this and yet, my parents, who are still some of the most intelligent people I know, could "know" the opposite.. so I didn't say or do or decide to do anything about it then..
Then I had years of denial, compensation, overcompensation, etc, etc, etc, etc...
and then when I was 20-22 years old (somewhere around that time it sank in proper), I knew I "would" do something about it, just a matter of when,.... and started being known as "he" and "miniar" amongs friends.
I knew I should be a girl when I was 3 or 4, but at that time there was nothing I could do about it. No "sex-change" operations had ever been performed anywhere in the world. The word "transsexual" didn't exist. The very idea that some of us have bodies that don't match our gender didn't exist in our culture. To my naïve mind, it was perfectly reasonable that my body would just correct itself. It didn't, of course.
I was 9 when news of Chistine Jorgensen hit the papers, but I still thought my body would just grow into being a girl's, since that was what I was. After puberty I gave up on that idea.
With no internet and very little information available, I was 40 when I finally seriously looked into actually transitioning, but I didn't think I could handle the difficulties at that time.
I was 65 when I finally tried again, this time with no turning back.
Part of the delay was me growing up. Part of it was the world changing enough so that I could do it. Part of it was my life getting to a place where I could handle it. If I was 20 now, as the world is now, I might try to transition, but there is no way to know that.
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on December 03, 2009, 06:48:33 PM
I knew I should be a girl when I was 3 or 4, but at that time there was nothing I could do about it. No "sex-change" operations had ever been performed anywhere in the world. The word "transsexual" didn't exist. The very idea that some of us have bodies that don't match our gender didn't exist in our culture. To my naïve mind, it was perfectly reasonable that my body would just correct itself. It didn't, of course.
I was 9 when news of Chistine Jorgensen hit the papers, but I still thought my body would just grow into being a girl's, since that was what I was. After puberty I gave up on that idea.
With no internet and very little information available, I was 40 when I finally seriously looked into actually transitioning, but I didn't think I could handle the difficulties at that time.
I was 65 when I finally tried again, this time with no turning back.
Part of the delay was me growing up. Part of it was the world changing enough so that I could do it. Part of it was my life getting to a place where I could handle it. If I was 20 now, as the world is now, I might try to transition, but there is no way to know that.
- Kate
:'( People believe in souls and yet they can't look past the shell it fell too. Thank god this is changing, i would have probably killed myself if I had lived back then. Your a strong woman to have lasted so long in an anatomicly male body.
Post Merge: December 03, 2009, 05:09:34 PM
Quote from: Miniar on December 03, 2009, 06:37:58 PM
I "knew" I wasn't "a girl" when I was a kid, but I didn't understand the whole of the thing properly and I didn't know how I could know this and yet, my parents, who are still some of the most intelligent people I know, could "know" the opposite.. so I didn't say or do or decide to do anything about it then..
Then I had years of denial, compensation, overcompensation, etc, etc, etc, etc...
and then when I was 20-22 years old (somewhere around that time it sank in proper), I knew I "would" do something about it, just a matter of when,.... and started being known as "he" and "miniar" amongs friends.
Its been much the same for me. i'm just on the otherside of the lake.
I don't know that i would wish to have been born in the appropriate body though. I learned alot having to suffer. Having to hide. ....and plus i got to see the behind the scenes life of men ;D... But most of all, I don't think I would have asked my self that question, "Why am I me, as I am, in this body, in this place?" Its that question, I think, that has made me more "conscious" in a way...more conscious of the self at least....
p.s. I think think your sexy ;) and i like your mind, from what posts I've seen.
Like most I knew something was not right when I was about 5 or 6. I hated puberty, I wasn't become a girl but a damn boy. Most of my friends were girls and I could not understand why I was not like them. When I was about 20 or so I heard of a clinic in SF, so I left my home, with my folks, and left for Cali. My Aunt lived there and I have family I could live with. I went to the clinic, but I was turned away. No job, not really any support. So I went to school and learned a very masculine trade, Automotive Repair. I had a flair for it and loved working on cars. That was were I met Mike. I fell in love with him as we spent almost all of our time together. But he never knew and being Italian I doubt he would have been respective. But I will never know.
It wasn't until I was about 30, I found myself in a position to do something about it. I found a support group, a therapist, even a doctor for HRT. But things have a way of changing. I had support, HRT and was understanding me at last. But I was cast out of my home, again with parents, I went into trucking. I could buy a position with Mayflower and I need the work. I eventually married my third wife, who know that I was Transgendered. For 20 years I lived as the man I was born into, but the demon would not leave me alone. Near the end and at the end I had the ability to pay for SRS, BA and even FFS if I wanted, but my ex would not hear of it.
We separated and I wound up on my own, again. But this time I would not hold back. I found my therapist and a doctor. Began again, I had some funds and I build my wardrobe. I live part time as a woman, only being male for work. I changed my name and went full time. I then lost my job, but got my 401K to remove part of that which screamed male, my Orchie. I still pray every single night to wake up with the right parts and cry every morning when it has not happened. But it is better now. I know that I might just get there one day, but I also know that I may be stuck here for the rest of my life, between Heaven and Hell. But I am still a woman, and evn the SSA agrees with me.
Hugs and Love
Janet
I'm not sure when I first knew things "weren't right" - I have flashes of memories from 5 or 6 of events which in hindsight I can see as indicative of GID but I didn't really realize precisely what was going on until I was about 9.
that would have been '72, '73 and at that age I couldn't conceive that there was anything for it. I'd never heard of Jorgensen at that point. I DID hear about Renee Richards when she came forward. It was right around that time - I honestly can't remember which came first - that I tried to run away from home with a suitcase full of my mom's clothes, intending to never be a boy again.
that didn't work out and when i got home I told my folks it was a costume to keep from being found.
For the next decade i struggled with doubt on what to do about it, mostly a battle against suicide....in 1986 i "got religion" (I had already been a Christian and still am but that summer I bought into the concept that if I was 'good enough' God would "heal" me) and for the next 20 years I worked hard at earning my healing.
Eventually I realized the illogic of a lot of what I was trying to believe and that led me to where I am today.
I know that it's not healthy to look back in regret but how I SO wish I could have done all the "girl things" that a 46 year old broad will never get to do.
;D wELL FOR ME.... i was about 3 when i realized something was wrong... i started growing and people were trying to mode me into this boy who i never was!!! but it was till 2 years ago, when i knewi could do something about it!
I was about 11 when I really, truly realized that what I wanted to be, more than anything, was a boy. I suppose I had always known, but it wasn't until around then that I started to understand the idea behind the feeling. I denied it for years, and then last June it hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew I had to do something. Anything. I am just starting to explore the me I suffocated.
Other than childhood, I was about 18 when it really hit me that I was a man. However I believed I was the only guy in the world born like this. Even when I first heard about transsexuals, it didn't resonate because I was ignorant about the effects of testosterone and believed I'd look like a girl the rest of my life. I had no desire to have a penis sewn on and that was what I believed transsexual meant. I dressed in male clothing, went by a male name, and tried to find some comfort in that for many years. I was 27 before I saw a therapist for gender issues and began this long journey with many roadblocks ahead. In some ways I wish I had started earlier, but I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. In other ways, I don't think I would have been up for it in my younger days. I was a vastly different person then.
I have to add, as a 27 year old bloke, I can not be 100% certain that my memories of my inner thoughts as a 5 year old are "correct". I believe they are, but human memory isn't built to help us know the past, but to help us tell where the future is headed. I acknowledge and accept that these memories may be false, or at least, exaggerated by my current mind.
I choose to believe they're not, but I accept the very valid possibility that they are.
I was in 4th grade so about 9 or 10 years old. I told a girl at school that I wanted to be a girl.
I remember that vividly but I didn't know what it meant and just tried to forget about it my whole life and be the man everyone expected me to be.
Wasn't till March of 2009, 18 years later that something snapped inside me and I started this journey.
I'm young now, and I have known my true gender for about two years. Like many others, it was male puberty that really alerted me to it.
That said, I was gender-confused for long before then, and never felt male at all.
Age modified
I felt different all my life but I didn't know why. It wsn't until I was 56 that I discovered that I was transgender.
Gennee
:)
when i was 4 and a half and we came from Cuba my sister pointed it out to me that i was not a girl and i was just like um.. no i am
At five years of age I knew I was different. It took me another forty years to fully accept myself as female.
I have always fit in better with girls than guys.
But it was until I turned 54 years old, but have been cross dressing on and off from age 17 on.
Jillieann
For me it started at about the age of three, when at that stage I didn't know there was a difference between me and my sister! It wasn't till I started to go to school that I felt wrong, but I didn't know why. Looking back in hindsight it is now quite obvious why I had such trauma and was persecuted by the boys all through my schooling days. I effectively withdrew from society by working with the family business, living at home and rarely going out. I have still never really had a girlfriend! It wasn't (for some peculiar reason) until recently that I finally realised why my life has been unfulfilled.
To precis the answer: My GID goes back to 3 years old but I didn't realise until in my 40's.
I might add that in all the time in between I've been constantly switching on and off my desire to see and accept my very strong female self. It saddens me greatly to se that I've wasted most of my life in limbo.
Alexie
I knew I was differen to other kids when I was six or seven but I realised what was wron at the nset of puberty. Nearly thirty years later and I am acting.
I hear a lot of transgender people say they felt they were in the wrong sex at the age of three or four. I suspect they felt different at that age and it was three or four years later that the dysphoria kicked in. When I was three or four boys and girls were no different to me than one another.
I was four when I first realized that I wanted to be a boy.
In 8th grade, I read a book called 'Magical Thinking' by Augusten Burroughs. There's a chapter in the book called 'Transfixed by Transsexuals' where he talks about how he had been thinking about transitioning from male to female for a while, but eventually decided against it. That was my first exposure to transsexuals. I didn't think much of it and didn't apply it to myself. Perhaps if he had mention FTMs in the chapter I would have.
In health class my Freshman year of high school, the first thing we talked about was transgendered people. We watched a movie called 'Transgeneration' about four college students, two MTFs and two FTMs. Finally, I realized it was possible to go from female to male and started thinking about it. I didn't admit it until my teacher put some questions on the board that we had to write about. The writing would be showed to no one. One of the questions I picked to answer was "The realization about your gender and sexual identity - when does this usually happen?" I wrote my answer from personal experience, which was the first time I actually admitted to myself that I was trans.
Quote from: Pippa on December 04, 2009, 05:24:15 PM
I hear a lot of transgender people say they felt they were in the wrong sex at the age of three or four. I suspect they felt different at that age and it was three or four years later that the dysphoria kicked in. When I was three or four boys and girls were no different to me than one another.
You may be right, Pippa. I remember knowing that I should be a girl before starting kindergarten at age 5. I think it was probably when I realized that boys and girls were treated differently. I also remember playing "doctor" with the girl across the street and envying her the tidier stuff she had. (Little did I know what problems could lurk in there. :P) I don't remember how old I was when we did that, but I was pretty small.
I don't remember dysphoria as such until much later. I was a reasonably happy boy who just figured I should be a girl and, if I was lucky, would be one some day.
I know I was 9 when I started cross-dressing because my friend Albert, who introduced me to the pleasures, was only there in fourth grade.
I was the only boy in sixth grade (age 11) who had a regular girlfriend, so I was certainly able to play the role at that point even though I was nothing like the other boys.
I dunno. It was a confusing time. :-\ I've managed to block a lot of it out and, as Miniar said, the memories may not be perfectly accurate.
- Kate
Quote from: Miniar on December 04, 2009, 04:32:14 AM
I have to add, as a 27 year old bloke, I can not be 100% certain that my memories of my inner thoughts as a 5 year old are "correct". I believe they are, but human memory isn't built to help us know the past, but to help us tell where the future is headed. I acknowledge and accept that these memories may be false, or at least, exaggerated by my current mind.
I choose to believe they're not, but I accept the very valid possibility that they are.
This may seem really random but I like you Miniar. That's exactly the sort of thing I'd say, and I identify with a lot of what you say. :)
But anyways, my past was a mess. I'd say I was aware of it on some level earlier on, but it really became a problem around 15-16.
I knew when I was around 3 or 4. I remember when I was in kindergarten we would take naps and had sleeping bags with cartoon characters on them. I always picked Superman b/c I was thinking of how dashing and fearless he was and I would be rescued lol. It was strange but some boys in school would try and kiss me on a couple of occasions.
The feelings persisted and eventually awareness and societal pressures began to make their way into my peers development. Things gave way to a lot of issues and finally at mid-thirties I feel I'm ready to be who I am. Just got to get my degree and work a little bit and save!
I am SO ready for an innie!!!
As K8 and Miniar said, I ubdoubtedly have blocked out a lot and the remaining memories may not be accurate (although I have enough ego to claim better than average memory for those I want to remember >:-) .) Having provided wiggle room there, I do not recall any ah-hah moment, just always feeling "different", not realy a boy. As I recall, my earliest friends were mostly girls, I enjoyed being with girls and still do. Apparently I also had a playing doctor episode with a girl from across the street (apparently the street was an interesting boundry, huh K8?) but I don't really remember that, just the blow-up when discovered. I guess I was impressed as well with the "tidy" stuff she had!
By the time I entered kindergarten, the friendship roster was mostly boys, in spite of not being a tomboy-boy-girl-whatever. I took my share of grief from many boys who have that insatiable need to push and test. I do remember a frightening episode in kindergarten; I was walked to or dropped off at the school grounds in the morning, and walking across it I discovered something I had never seen before: Girls! Identical twins! With thick glasses! Aaahhhh! I was so spooked I hid in the bushes all morning until discovered by the inevitable search party. No, that didn't cause it, the feelings of being "wrong" were already there.
I finished school, had a career, saw doctors who found no physical problems but saw mental ones, married, retired, all the time with the feelings and some cross-dressing when the opportunity arose. At this late point, I am finally going to get to the end of this. Just keep the thick glassed, identical twin girls out of the way! Although, thinking about it, does anyone want to try for a two-for-one deal with Dr. Bower?
SusanKG
Well, I've always acted like a boy, and always wanted to be one for as long as I can remember..
but I guess the time I decided I would definately do something about it, I was about 14? 15? something like that anyway.
Quote from: Hazuki Heartwood on December 04, 2009, 07:27:15 PM
This may seem really random but I like you Miniar. That's exactly the sort of thing I'd say, and I identify with a lot of what you say. :)
Being liked ain't a "goal" for me but it sure is nice when it happens.. ^^
Quote from: SusanKG on December 04, 2009, 09:00:40 PM
Although, thinking about it, does anyone want to try for a two-for-one deal with Dr. Bower?
Well, Susan, if you're retired and I'm retired, maybe we could try for a two-for-one with a senior discount. ;D
- Kate
I knew that I was different from the age of 7 or so. I wished desperately that I could be "normal" like the other girls, while simultaneously wondering why the boys never seemed to accept me like I wanted them to. At 14 I started questioning my gender, and now over a year later I am starting to transition socially.
I knew when I was four or five years old. I started to "borrow" my older and younger sister's clothes and wondered why I had "that thing" between my legs.
Over the years, I did what we all do, purge and buy again (or steal from my sisters – they would always blame each other! ;-) )
I finally realized that if I did not address it, I'd end up dead!
So, hear I am, starting to be the real me after 40 some odd years of being someone everyone wanted me to be.
Steph
As I read from many already, we all realized pretty early on, yet couldn't quite define that strange feeling that made us "borrow" our sister's/mother's clothes. Even though one part of our brain was saying, "no, this is very wrong to put on these clothes" there we were, putting them on, looking in the mirror, and recognizing that other self staring back. I did all that, and still managed to put those visions away for most of my older childhood/ adult life. It was only when I met my second wife, at 40, that Rose (that's me!) came out to play in the (relative) open. My wife encouraged me to be Rose, who in hindsight, was just waiting for the right trigger to fly.
We all live life together now, although I have to be careful about letting Rose have too much freedom. I know that many on this forum have already made the decision to make the full transistion to another gender, but that will not come for me. You see a funny thing happened to me- I found when Rose pushes too hard, Jim (that's me too!) pushes back. I am comfortable with living a dual existance, although it took a while to reconcile both sides to living with each other.
Rose
I don't have any memories tospeak of from when I was young about how I felt. I do have memories of playing with my kid sister and her dolls at least once. But I didn't hit the trigger until a few years ago while dressing for Holloween. I do love the new me that is comming out. But the male side keeps pushing family responsibilities back . What a Tug-A-War we all face.
Starla Dyan
when i respond to questions like this, and if that person who asks is a genetic female, i say, "the same way you figured out"
Hello everyone, i am new here and just read this topic.
My oldest memory comes from about pre-school, at kindergarden, when i had to participate on a dance presentation, i just wanted the dress, it was natural my selection and i was told not to because "you are a boy". Deception.
At early school i remember that in the bathroom i was wearing my mom´s night gowns and lipstick, it was just ok to be like my mom, she was a women, just like i taught i was. I was caught, and told again "you are a boy". Deception 2.
I went to a only boys school, i never played their games, i was more comfortable writing and drawing, and my best friends where my girl cousins.
Several times during my life i had the same thing happening to me, wanting to cross dress, cleaning the house, taking care of my children, wanting to be the women in the house, and several times i stopped when someone pointed out "you are a man".
To answer the question properly i just now, 50 years, realized i am a woman in a man's body, and i just decided to do something about it. Just now, 50 years old i will become the Woman of the house.
PD I divorced 8 years ago.
I was seven. I was afraid to tell my parents...it was 1962 and things weren't like they are today. I saw the movie Pinnochio and one night wished upon a star that I could be a real girl. In the morning I lost my faith in Blue Fairies. I kept my secret, to avoid being hurt, but explored every chance I got. But, I learned to "stuff" my feelings, even hating myself. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be "normal" like other boys. I dated, but never had sex. I married right out of college and enjoyed a relief of having her things about. I thought being married would "cure" me. Wrong. I continued to fight...eventually I couldn't any longer...attempted suicide. I survived. It all came out. Divorce. Second suicide attempt, more seriously. I survived again. Six plus years of transition now...here I am...but, a lot older. But, I'm not too sad...it's life.
I was about kindergarten age, 5 or so. Some other boy had hit me at school, and I cried.
When I got home, I told my parents. Mom said, "Tell the teacher" or something like that.
Dad disagreed. He said, and I quote, "Boys don't cry. Boys hit back."
I remember feeling like that advice had no application to me. Why would I do what a boy does?
I was in kindergarten, it was nap time and I went to lay on my cot by the girls and the teacher said that I was a boy and I had to go to their side, what confusing thing. Then I was in first grade and used the girls bathroom. You can imagine the scenario that followed.
Well that was in the middle to late fifties. Times sure have changed. Now Iam in late 50's and just starting my transition. The orchie is next and then...?
I wish that this birth defect was fixed the way they help others. Jolene.
I guess I knew something was different for some time (Since I started in High School?) I hated my school life that much that I have buried the whole time at the back of my mind and forgotten about it. I suppose when I really started to question my gender was over 5 years ago (I'm 20... So that would make me 15) But I never did anything about it. I tried to convince myself that I was normal (But what really is normal?)
It was only until recently (The last 6 months) that I decided that I could not continue living how I have been (Hiding my feelings from myself and others) so I got counselling.
~SarahM
I first experienced wanting to be a girl when I was around 3-4. Now I am half a year from turning 19, and I finally realized.
I thought I was an alien, very young.
I think I knew something was up in kindergarten... I wanted to mary my (female) friends..for some reason unfathomable to me or the religious school I went to.
(thank god I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut)
What's really odd, is that to be "a girl", I wore dresses almost exclusivly until i was 8...Then puberty set in (too early...) and I stopped wanting to be seen as something "pretty"...or whatever. Most of my dresses would have shown clevage anyway (i was probably 9 when my tits were big enough to be noticed + keep me from getting into "10 and under FREE" things. ->-bleeped-<-ing puberty)
A lot more obvious a few years ago.
Mom wanted to send me to an all girls private school to get an "educational advantage"
(despite the fact they focus on literature and history, while I'm far better at math and science, and hope to be an engineer some day.)
I wasn't too happy. In a way I was thinking "ooh bigger selection of girls". Then I remembered that none of them would be interested in another girl, and it would be 24-7 bitchfest....
And the general body-hating... the the fact that when i was five I very much wanted a penis for some reason (that.. got me in trouble...), trying to hide/cover my moobthings... meh i'm gonna stop rambling now
Like most of you it was early for me also about 5. Seems so long ago. No internet, no news, and not a chance to anything about my body It was the 50's the great rock and roll movement. New music different times ,but not for us. Transsexual wasn't in anyone's vocabulary.
Thanks to the internet and site's like Susan's we are emerging.
Sarah
I was a bit strange and uncommunicative as a young child (Asperger's Syndrome and all that) so I blamed me feeling different from other people on more obvious things like the fact that I preferred to hang out with snails than other children (a phase I've now more-or-less grown out of, thankfully!) :D But I liked my body as a child, I could put on a dress and be a girl or strip to the waist and be a boy whenever I wanted. I wasn't too adept at picking up on social norms anyway so this didn't really strike me as unusual.
Then, of course, puberty hit like a sledgehammer to the nuts. My former dreams of growing up with an androgynous body were laid waste to (turns out you can't grow up how you want by just wishing for it :-\) and all of a sudden I had all these foreign body changes to cope with (plus bullying, as standard). Puberty was in full swing when I was 12, and I reckon I first thought to myself "I must be trans" when I was 13/14. Thank goodness for the internet! My one true lifeline of information. :(
Felt like a bit of a fraud for not feeling totally male all the time so fluctuated between thinking I was definitely a transman or that I must have just been imagining things. Finally discovered the term 'androgyne' last year, and it fit! Once again, vive la internet! :)
Seems that the "norm" for most is around 5 years old. I don't know if I realized it then, because my Father did such a good job of feeding into my male leanings. He always did say he wanted a son. It wasn't until 14 that I have a vivid memory of "somethings up here". Right around that time though I learned about gay/lesbian people (yes sheltered childhood), and the butch/femme dynamic seemed to answer all of my different feelings. Until a year ago at 22 when I realized it wasn't working and that I've been miserable in this body. More importantly though that I didn't have to be.
Quote from: Matilda on December 09, 2009, 05:01:44 AM
Three years old.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi572.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss161%2Fmatilda23%2F061.gif&hash=8f2301193b0dc73bb2e3c64f938f2048ea1a0591)
We should make a "3 year old" club :-\
Alexie
Quote from: Alexie on December 09, 2009, 05:16:49 AM
We should make a "3 year old" club :-\
Alexie
I'd join, I was 3 going on 4. remember it very clearly.
It still amazes me how many people are like me. The accounts from everyone tug at my heart. Outsiders still ask, why do you WANT to do this? I just walk away. It's too difficult to go through all that
Sarah
Quote from: sarahF on December 09, 2009, 08:33:37 AM
It still amazes me how many people are like me. The accounts from everyone tug at my heart. Outsiders still ask, why do you WANT to do this? I just walk away. It's too difficult to go through all that
Sarah
If only they knew its not a matter of want, it is a matter of need.
Your right again
Sarah
It still amazes me how many people are like me.
Even if you are 'one in a million' there are still 6,802 other people just like you.
I guess this makes me an odd one.
I honestly didn't know until just inside this year. That means 22. I had so many other things going on in my life growing up that I never stopped to consider the possibility that my physical sex was/is to blame for a lot (most) of my discomfort growing up and presently. It still worries me that because I haven't "known all along" I'll have trouble with therapy to get hormones. Bah.
Quote from: Cody Oriole on December 09, 2009, 04:12:13 PM
I guess this makes me an odd one.
I honestly didn't know until just inside this year. That means 22. I had so many other things going on in my life growing up that I never stopped to consider the possibility that my physical sex was/is to blame for a lot (most) of my discomfort growing up and presently. It still worries me that because I haven't "known all along" I'll have trouble with therapy to get hormones. Bah.
No Cody, you're not odd at all. We are all very different and I feel that maybe some circumstances mask what is really going on and in your case it wasn't until you matured that you realized it.
You have, in all likelihood had this condition all your life: the penny didn't drop until now that's all.
Most importantly you have every right as a human being to express yourself the way you feel comfortable. Any knowledgeable therapist will see that. Go for it!
Love Alexie :icon_flower:
I knew when I was very young that I was different. I was milder, softer, more like the girls. As a young teen, I learned about Christine Jorgenson, and the best way I can describe my feelings was......I was Jealous!.....but kids born in 1950 couldn't do things like that. That was for special people. I didn't plunge into transition to become a "special person" until I was 55, but until then, I became the tough outdoorsman, and filled the role of a man quite well.
Bev
Quote from: Cody Oriole on December 09, 2009, 04:12:13 PM
I guess this makes me an odd one.
I honestly didn't know until just inside this year. That means 22. I had so many other things going on in my life growing up that I never stopped to consider the possibility that my physical sex was/is to blame for a lot (most) of my discomfort growing up and presently. It still worries me that because I haven't "known all along" I'll have trouble with therapy to get hormones. Bah.
I had a similar thing happen to me and it did bug me when I read so many stories of others "dressing" as children, etc. I'm 28 and I didn't figure things out till this year myself....going thru therapy helped me remember a lot of memories that I wrote off and forgot about. So don't you fret yourself about that. We all have different stories and we all handle the discomfort growing up differently too.
By the time I was five I knew something wasn't right. I was a gentle, more feminine child and prefered playing with girls than boys. I got a big shock when I entered the school system and discovered that my behaviour was not typical or approved of. I retreated in bookish nerd-dom in order to fly under the radar and be left alone. In 1974 I read an article on transsexualism in a copy of Time magazine and the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
Quotehow old were you when you realized...
i also knew when i was 3 years old.
Quote from: Alexie on December 09, 2009, 05:16:49 AM
We should make a "3 year old" club :-\
Alexie
there's one already. (not here)
Alexie put it best.
Sarah
Quote from: Robin. on December 03, 2009, 06:21:31 PM
How old were you when you realized that you were a man/woman, and descided to do something about it....
I've known there was something unusual about me since I was very very young but I suppose I was about 19 or 20 when I realized I had some real desires to be (or at least have the appearance of someone of) the opposite gender. I don't really know how else to word that, because it was at that point I began to learn more about my "wiring" so to speak. So, at the time, I did not know the terminology and such, it was just a feeling I'm sure everyone here is familiar with.
I was in denial for a long time, being brought up by parents that were old school. I knew at a very young age 4 or 5 that something wasnt right, as i never related to men on a man to man level..always an outcast. Even in my male/female relationships i was in my mind a female..It was more bisexual in nature than hetro. I later learned i actually had the midset of a bi female, which i know now. Ppl are becoming more accepting, but we have along way to go.
I knew it all the time (it's my oldest memory), but I found enough courage (or despair) to start transitioning only around 2 years ago, after the death of my second child. What good is it to keep on living a lie, after all my daughter knows I am a girl, and she's not traumatized at all by me becoming more female every day.
Quote from: Cody Oriole on December 09, 2009, 04:12:13 PM
I guess this makes me an odd one.
I honestly didn't know until just inside this year. That means 22 18. I had so many other things going on in my life growing up that I never stopped to consider the possibility that my physical sex was/is to blame for a lot (most) of my discomfort growing up and presently. It still worries me that because I haven't "known all along" I'll have trouble with therapy to get hormones. Bah.
My story right there... :-\ I have the same fears about therapy etc.
We are all odd and we are all "normal"
We all have differant stories but the same
Sarah
My therapist that I am seeing (not GID) has asked me the same question. I cannot truly remember. I would have to sit down and think hard on this. Throughout my forty plus years of life I have noticed things I did that were female like and remember certain times when I was told I acted like a girl. Whether it was the way I was standing or talking or whatever. Most of this was in Grade school.
I had no idea what transgender was growing up. I did not learn till I was in my 20's, by then I was married with kids. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would of started a long time ago......
But to say I can pinpoint a certain time frame, no I can't.
I believed I was a girl up until about age 8. I played with other girls, thought boys were icky, and was quite content. When I started school (age 5) I couldn't understand Why I wasn't supposed to use the girls bathroom and I sure didn't want to use the boys! (That caused some problems!) I wasn't really aware of the problem until age 8 when a male cousin said "You should have been a girl!" I said I was. He said "No you're not, not really." That absolutely floored me! I didn't understand..... but I knew I would turn into a normal girl at puberty. Well that only half way happened - my body went right down the middle and I spent the next 10 years fighting to get medical help to normalize my body. It was the 1960's so all this was pretty new territory. When I came of age I was able to take control of my life and thanks to a few good doctors finally put everything right.
So, bottom line, I thought I was a normal girl from earliest memory (mine and other people who knew me) up to age 8. From 8 to 24 I didn't know what I was but I knew I had a problem, and after 24, just a normal girl again.
I can't exactly remember how old I was. Probably around 9-12 years old. I went through what my mom would call a stage where I wanted to be a boy and at that time my mom knew, but she, like everyone else thought it was just a stage, but I knew it wasn't and when I was 13 or so, I had to pretend to grow out of that stage so no one would know that this was how I really felt inside and that's when I kept myself in denial because I didn't want to believe it was true, that I was born in the wrong body. I would say sometime in 2007 or '08 is when I came out of that denial. But I would always try to hide my chest. Now I bind all the time and it kills my back. I have not found a good binder.
I was six. I tried on a boy's dress jacket and I knew that's who I was, but didn't understand it.
My mother would always get my hair permed when I was little and I always hated it. Dressed me up for Easter and the holidays and that sucked! Puberty was allot of crap because of periods and boobs! Yuck! >:(
Never liked being a girl. Don't like living in a woman's body. I always wear men's clothes because that's who I am.
Quote from: Northern Jane on December 18, 2009, 04:08:22 AM
I believed I was a girl up until about age 8. I played with other girls, thought boys were icky, and was quite content. When I started school (age 5) I couldn't understand Why I wasn't supposed to use the girls bathroom and I sure didn't want to use the boys! (That caused some problems!) I wasn't really aware of the problem until age 8 when a male cousin said "You should have been a girl!" I said I was. He said "No you're not, not really." That absolutely floored me! I didn't understand..... but I knew I would turn into a normal girl at puberty. Well that only half way happened - my body went right down the middle and I spent the next 10 years fighting to get medical help to normalize my body. It was the 1960's so all this was pretty new territory. When I came of age I was able to take control of my life and thanks to a few good doctors finally put everything right.
So, bottom line, I thought I was a normal girl from earliest memory (mine and other people who knew me) up to age 8. From 8 to 24 I didn't know what I was but I knew I had a problem, and after 24, just a normal girl again.
What she said :)
Pretty early on - probably three or four, maybe earlier, I honestly don't remember a time when I wasn't aware of it anyway, and like Jane after 24 all sorted.
Quote from: Florida Alex on December 18, 2009, 03:30:16 PM
I was six. I tried on a boy's dress jacket and I knew that's who I was, but didn't understand it.
My mother would always get my hair permed when I was little and I always hated it. Dressed me up for Easter and the holidays and that sucked! Puberty was allot of crap because of periods and boobs! Yuck! >:(
Never liked being a girl. Don't like living in a woman's body. I always wear men's clothes because that's who I am.
Hi Alex. :icon_wave: Welcome to Susan's.
I'm going the other direction, but there are plenty of good people here who feel as you do. Each of our stories is unique but we have a lot in common. Settle in, pull up a keyboard, and explore.
Be sure to look under the Announcements heading. There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours: "Site Terms of Service and Rules to Live By", "Standard Terms and Definitions", and "Post Ranks". Look through the other stuff there, too, like "Age and the Forums".
Happy exploring, Alex.
- Kate
I first had an inkling when I was quite young, maybe, five-ish, but there were a lot of signs even earlier. Certainly by seven I knew for certain I ought to have been born a girl. I gave up on that notion when puberty hit: when I learned what puberty was, I hoped for some freak accident or rare disorder that would prevent it from happening; I even had this notion that my penis would wither and turn back into a vagina. No such luck. Finding myself attracted to women complicated things more. I tried hard to be a guy through college, and that's when I figured out that I coulldn't live fully in a male role. I spent a lot of time preparing for transitioning, but didn't decide for sure until a year ago. Really, I had made the decision at least five years earlier; I just hadn't accepted it. But every life decision I made after about age 24 was geared toward making it possible for me to transition.
I consciously remember from age 4 years. I didn't start school until a 5 year old.
It's prominent in my memory as I had only just turned 5 when I commenced primary school. School year here commences in the February, my birthday is December.
I don't think I ever actually realized what I was. When I was about 5 I remember wanting to dress in girl cloths, and through childhood it was more about being envious of girls and wishing/wanting for girl things, especially socially with like wanting the girl parts in school plays and stuff like that. It was all out of reach though and I mostly just shut off socially and retreated into my own safe little world....
But I never actually had the thought that I was a girl or should have been born female, except when I was 12 and found out I had a 1/2 sister about the same age as me. That threw me through a loop and I got pretty jealous and felt cheated, thinking I should have been the sister and should have gotten her name.
Maybe younger than 3 yrs old.
Honestly around 6 I knew something wasn't matching up with me, got along better with girls than I did with guys. I know when I about 13 I realized I was never suppose to be guy. Parents didn't agree with me on that notion. So I played the part thinking this is who I am suppose to be, but finally after wrecking myself and the people I care emotionally by being something I am not well into my late 20's, I have decided to follow my heart and start back down the road to make myself complete and happy.
I note some folk saying 2 or 3 years of age, highly unlikely at that age. Unless you have a sister/s and you're mother has stated you were more like a baby girl than boy?
Quote from: Dianna on December 19, 2009, 04:37:07 AM
I note some folk saying 2 or 3 years of age, highly unlikely at that age. Unless you have a sister/s and you're mother has stated you were more like a baby girl than boy?
I think that's a tough call with all respect Dianna. I can remember as clear as the nose on my face my first feeling that I thought I was the same as my sister and I was definitely 3 years old. I was in a house that we moved from just before I turned 4 and for some reason I can remember a lot of detail about these early years of my childhood. Of course at that age I didn't know there was a difference between boys and girls. I just presumed we were all the same and my "fiddly bits" would disappear when I got older. But when asked to look back and pinpoint a starting point, then there is absolutely no doubt in my mind when it was. Believe me this was not something I was imagining and I am sure you don't mean to but questioning something as personal as this can be a bit upsetting. I am being honest on this forum and answering this question in the only way I know how as I am quite sure all the others do.
Alexie.
Fair enough then Alexie, I have very vague memories of being 3 yrs as I was hospitalised for 12 months. It sits there vaguely me screaming the childrens hospital down when my parents went home.
It just wouldn't happen nowadays as most large hospitals have live-in parent facilities in this country.
Quote from: Dianna on December 19, 2009, 07:01:30 AM
Fair enough then Alexie, I have very vague memories of being 3 yrs as I was hospitalised for 12 months. It sits there vaguely me screaming the childrens hospital down when my parents went home.
It just wouldn't happen nowadays as most large hospitals have live-in parent facilities in this country.
I'm sorry if I sounded a bit upset, but I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment, and like a lot of things, I should be fair about your comment. It's a sort of semantic argument but in your defense the the key word in this thread is "realise" so I suppose you are right to a degree. I didn't in fact "realise" I felt this way until I started going to school at about 4. So the starting point was 3 and the realisation would have been 4.
Thank you for your measured response. :)
Alexie.
Quote from: Alyssa M. on December 18, 2009, 07:45:21 PM
I first had an inkling when I was quite young. Certainly by seven I knew for certain I ought to have been born a girl. I gave up on that notion when puberty hit: when I learned what puberty was, I hoped for some freak accident or rare disorder that would prevent it from happening; I even had this notion that my penis would wither and turn back into a vagina. No such luck. Finding myself attracted to women complicated things more. I tried hard to be a guy through college, and that's when I figured out that I coulldn't live fully in a male role. I spent a lot of time preparing for transitioning, but didn't decide for sure until a year ago.
Alyssa! You've been plagerizing my journal again! >:(
;) Except I thought my "extra stuff" would just fall off, like a scab does when the skin underneath heals.
I have no markers before starting kindergarten one month after turning 5 - it's all kind of a blur as to what happened when. I remember thinking I should be a girl before I started kindergarten. I could see that I was a boy, but I just figured my body would heal itself at some point.
- Kate
Very young. 4 or 5.
Quote from: Dianna on December 19, 2009, 04:37:07 AM
I note some folk saying 2 or 3 years of age, highly unlikely at that age. Unless you have a sister/s and you're mother has stated you were more like a baby girl than boy?
Indeed, my mother always described me as "gentle" or "sensitive" even as a baby. And I have both an older and a younger sister, pretty close in age.
But I wasn't really aware that gender meant anything important before I went to kindergarten. I was aware of the anatomical difference between me and my sisters, and I wished I were like them, but it just didn't seem very important.
I don't remember anything from the age of 2 or 3. Was I around then? Have to ask my mother I guess.
Quote from: Alexie on December 19, 2009, 07:16:23 AM
I'm sorry if I sounded a bit upset, but I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment, and like a lot of things, I should be fair about your comment. It's a sort of semantic argument but in your defense the the key word in this thread is "realise" so I suppose you are right to a degree. I didn't in fact "realise" I felt this way until I started going to school at about 4. So the starting point was 3 and the realisation would have been 4.
Thank you for your measured response. :)
Alexie.
You are most welcome Alexie. I was not being a smartarse above in a previous post, unless a person is born with definite 'intersexed' biology, no one can read a childs young mind.
Well I can't anyway and I'm a fairly average person. ;D
9
I stayed with my grandmother as a very young child, and she also kept other neighborhood children. Then she thought nothing of putting boys and girls in the bath together, so by the time I was 4 years old I had serious full blown case of vagina envy- and here I was with this old dangly pokey out thing and it caused me terrible sadness. Sometimes it would get all bigger and hurt for no apparent reason and that scared me. It was so unfair, and I didn't understand why I had to have it and the other kids (girls) didn't. I would tuck it between my legs at bath time because I was so ashamed of it. Luckily my grandmother also condoned me playing dolls and dress up with the girls, something my parents would have been shocked and angered to learn. So by the time I hit kindergarten, I felt truly trapped being a yucky ol' boy and those feelings just never went away, despite years of fighting them because I was convinced I had no other choice.
I knew at childhood
But I was afraid to do much about it until just a few years ago
Quote from: Virginia Marie on December 19, 2009, 08:38:55 PM
But I was afraid to do much about it until just a few years ago
Aint that the truth!
The one thing I have now realized is your 'brain' gender (your real gender) is not something you can manipulate or 'correct' as I have tried (unsuccessfully) to do all my life. It is a tremendously powerful force and what is at the core of our very being. It appears to come in cycles but I think there is something about reaching forty years old or more that brings all this to a very powerful, all consuming head. And you know what... I am beginning to get a little excited about the prospect of where I am heading.
Alexie
Quote from: Dianna on December 19, 2009, 04:37:07 AM
I note some folk saying 2 or 3 years of age, highly unlikely at that age. Unless you have a sister/s and you're mother has stated you were more like a baby girl than boy?
i'd Agree that it is unlikely to realize that you are a girl/boy at that age because one doesn't normaly identify in that way, or recognize the difference. but It is possible, and probably depends on your state of consciousness at that age. I dodn't realize I was different untill I was maybe around 8, but I had a very sheltered life.
Oddly though, i have clear memories from when i was a baby, in fact younger than 1. But I think this is because I had a corctation of the aorta that put me in surgery when I was 7 mounths old, and the trauma, I think, awakened me or imprinted certain memories. For example the only time I was in the hospital when i was a baby, was when I was 7 mounths old. but I remember clear as day being wheeled somewhere in a bed with plastic sides bars, holding my moms finger before I was pushed away. Even odder, the only colors I remeber seeing were orange and white, and the clear things...if thats a color...
Quote from: Dianna on December 19, 2009, 07:01:30 AM
Fair enough then Alexie, I have very vague memories of being 3 yrs as I was hospitalised for 12 months. It sits there vaguely me screaming the childrens hospital down when my parents went home.
It just wouldn't happen nowadays as most large hospitals have live-in parent facilities in this country.
I stated the above a long way back.
Quote from: Matilda on December 11, 2009, 05:04:51 PM
Is it restricted? and do they make you read Charlotte'sweb? >:-)
LOL ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi572.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fss161%2Fmatilda23%2F061.gif&hash=8f2301193b0dc73bb2e3c64f938f2048ea1a0591)
hahaha :laugh: you've been there, haven't you?
Quote from: Dianna on December 20, 2009, 12:53:27 AM
I stated the above a long way back.
glad to see you stand corrected.
just because you or other people don't remember when they were 3 years old doesn't mean that i & others don't either. iow a blanket statement, but kudos for clarifying what you said.
I remember being 2 AND 3 years old very clearly. Sorry if others don't. I remember the event that made me realize I wasn't as my sisters are very clearly also. Funny thing, so does my younger sister.
Quote from: Robin. on December 20, 2009, 12:46:47 AM
Oddly though, i have clear memories from when i was a baby, in fact younger than 1. But I think this is because I had a corctation of the aorta that put me in surgery when I was 7 mounths old, and the trauma, I think, awakened me or imprinted certain memories. For example the only time I was in the hospital when i was a baby, was when I was 7 mounths old. but I remember clear as day being wheeled somewhere in a bed with plastic sides bars, holding my moms finger before I was pushed away. Even odder, the only colors I remeber seeing were orange and white, and the clear things...if thats a color...
Sorry to be off topic...I have a memory of having a diaper changed and some lady that wasn't my mom was doing it...anyways the only colors I saw were rusty colors....orange, amber, reddish, yellowish, etc. and the edges of everything was fuzzy kind of like iron filings i suppose. Anyways it's cool to finally hear another person say the same thing about colors at that age :)
I was 3 or 4, and yes I've got a very vivid memory of those days, too.
4 years old.
Tried, several times to make the change, but sadly, the realities of life have knocked these back.
It varies with people of course, but probably the most important issue in whether one remember something from when they were very young is whether there's anything particular stand out for them to remember. Realizing being different (gender variant to one's body) is a major event, so it stand out and hence would be remembered.
Quote from: Keroppi on December 21, 2009, 08:20:57 PM
It varies with people of course, but probably the most important issue in whether one remember something from when they were very young is whether there's anything particular stand out for them to remember. Realizing being different (gender variant to one's body) is a major event, so it stand out and hence would be remembered.
I spent years wondering if my feelings were as a result of some forgotten incident, perhaps I was just a very bad, dirty person, or perhaps it was something more weird.
We can second guess ourselves from now till the end of time. All that leads to is guilt and depression.
We are what we are. It doesn't matter why. We don't need justification.
The only question is, are we harming anyone?
No.
Re: How old were you when you realized....
When I learnt the differences between boys & girls. 4 years of age.
Before kindergarten. 3, 4.
Quote from: mija on December 21, 2009, 05:05:47 AM
Sorry to be off topic...I have a memory of having a diaper changed and some lady that wasn't my mom was doing it...anyways the only colors I saw were rusty colors....orange, amber, reddish, yellowish, etc. and the edges of everything was fuzzy kind of like iron filings i suppose. Anyways it's cool to finally hear another person say the same thing about colors at that age :)
"rusty" colors... thats a perfect discripticon. My memories from around 2 years old all have color though.
I knew something when I was very young, but then it got buried and didn't resurface until I was about 20.
Hi...
The parodox for me is . hence what i am now.
I have no memory from age 5 back. a mind blank
& not much up till 7 . i spent a lot of time in hospital . & have no idear as to why .
I saw male & female as being the same . just no difference . At age 10 to 11 . i knew i was different just in what way no idear . yet knew i wonted to be like the girls .
From about age 16 i was thinking both male & female at the same time . & did not relate to men . of cause i did not know the word androgynous or what it ment then . yet was brought up as male . in our day no one would have known how to deal with people here like me if i had said i m a andro . 1947 thro to 60 s . for us it was the assylum & be fixed .
So age 10 on is when i started to know what ..who i was . / am .just taken 50 years to understand . & 11 more living .
...noeleena...
When I talk to therapists or curious cispeople, I always want to say around 3-4 like I read a lot of people saying, but I look back and don't remember having any feelings about gender that young. I was just a kid really, not identifying with male, female, or anything. I remember not always liking the clothes my mom picked out of me; they were often "cute" and "girly".
It wasn't until about 8-or-9-years-old that I realized something was different about me. Most of my friends were girls, but I felt more drawn to boys and copied their behavior. My closest friend was a boy. I got into fights on the playground. I felt weird and different from my classmates. My shoulders were too broad, I was too tall (at the time), I wanted to wear boys clothes. But I never told anyone.
For years, I kept my feelings to myself. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Late elementary and middle school, I dressed as a boy in my room, putting my hair under a baseball cap and packing with a sock. I used an ace bandage sometimes to try to flatten my chest. I was never quite satisfied with that.
I came out as a lesbian in early high school. This gave me more freedom, I thought, to be masculine. With more exposure to the community, I learned what it meant to be transgender and realized that I was actually a guy this whole time. I was 15 when I started therapy. I'm 20 now and on T. :)
One of my earliest memories is of sticking the garden hose down my shorts so that I could pretend I was using it to pee. I think was two or three. I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't think that I was supposed to have a penis.
But, I'm still comfortable being socially female, so I don't know if this means that my gender identity is simply not binary or if I'm still in denial and haven't accepted my own identity. Anything involving sex or my genitals is clearly, strongly male, but then everything else is so "ooh, glitter and fairies and push up bras!".
When I was a zygote I said to myself in zygote language "I am like uber female".
Quote from: mija on January 17, 2010, 05:37:09 PM
When I was a zygote I said to myself in zygote language "I am like uber female".
You win.
I probably didn't "self realize" it then, but when I was 6 or 7 I was given a borrowed pair of pretty silk panties to where home from a party I was at (don't ask how mine got dirty but they did), anyway that was more than likely the "trigger" but I didn't fully realize to myself until i was in Jr High right about puberty time. then I knew something wasn't right.
Now I know ;) Evie
Quote from: mija on January 17, 2010, 05:37:09 PM
When I was a zygote I said to myself in zygote language "I am like uber female".
11/10
Win!
I was probably between 5 and 7 years old when I first thought something like, "Oh, well, I was born a boy so I'll just have to live as a boy."
I wouldn't think anything like that for many years, and didn't really come to grips with being androgyne/gender-fluid until about 2 years ago (I'm 40).
I realized it at 28 but I can explain all my life as having GID since early childhood
My earliest memory on the subject is from when I was around 2 1/2 or 3 years old. But I didn't have the guts to do anything about it until I was 34. :(
Typical story, I knew something was askew when I was 5. I felt great shame for playing in my mum's wardrobe and almost getting caught was scary enough to hold back for awhile. As soon as I moved out at 18 I realised I was bi and experimented but didn't find it fulfilling. 25 I figured it all out from having the internet and then at 27 I starting doing soemthing about it.
I knew at 4 or 5. I remember asking my mom why I wasn't a boy and if I were a boy what she would have named me. She laughed on both accounts and I'll never forget that. It hurt me a lot. Growing up I was really confused and didn't know what it all meant. I never knew about transexuals so when I discovered I liked girls I just considered myself a lesbian, but even that didn't seem right to me. Even then I still wanted to be male and hated all female aspects of myself, but I kept going on painfully. I met the girl of my dreams and she has been nothing but supportive of this. She understands that I see myself as straight and would be considered straight by the rest of society if I make this transition. She said she loves me for me, not my gender, which is awesome! I'm 22 now and finally making what baby steps I can with her support.
About 4 here... in a way.
I always thought I'd grow up to be a man. It felt right. I'd look in the mirror and try to imagine what I'd look like when I got older - and I always saw a man looking back.
I'll avoid the whole life story thing (it'd just be ego stroking at this point), but it's along similar lines to the others.
Same here, around the age of 3, when I became aware of a lot of things. My parents told me I used to call myself and act like a boy before that, though (me being an FTM). Hard to imagine, but I guess you establish a gender role the minute you become self-aware in general.
My parents thought I was a 'spirited child' (just a rotten apple, basically) because I'd cut my hair to an inch's length from kindergarten onward, chased girls, hated 'dressing nice', and of course did other things that either gender would do. Such as cutting pictures out of books or letting glue dry all over my desk. I'm not sure if I never made friends because of GID or not, but that added to the 'spirited child' theory.
I found that miserable scenarios really got me to face who I was. It was when I was lying to my parents and flunking out of school that I got my first girlfriend; it was when my dad went to jail and I stuck it out at this ghetto school that I found out I was transsexual. Like hitting your head in the shower; pain brought out who I really was, in many respects. I'd been acting androgynous until the age of 13, then acted purposely more masculine around age 16, after I shaved my head and saw how great I looked with less hair. Not good-looking, but closer to that vision in my head. Not many people look good with shaved heads...
Yay!!!! I am not alone :)
I'm not sure how old I was when I realized... Quite young, I suppose. One time after getting caught dressed up (there were many times I got caught), my older sister first used the word "->-bleeped-<-" to make fun of me. I had no idea what it meant, so I asked. When she explained it to me, I knew she was dead on. I think we both did. I remember thinking, "so there's a word for doing that??!!". Of course being kids, she meant it in the derogatory, but strangely I found comfort in it. This was probably around sixth or seventh grade.
I never really felt out of place being a little 'girl', I was just a normal kid at the time, I actually did like wearing dresses and 'girly' stuff at times, when I was quite young. I think it wasn't until I was like 8 or 9 that I started dressing and acting like a total tomboy. Then when puberty hit and I started getting breasts and hips and turning into a 'young woman' *that's* when I was like "Woah, this ain't right!! Don't like one bit!!!" I remember wishing that I could develop like a guy instead. Then I was like 18 before I really knew what transgender was, and I was like "Hey, I think that's what I am.." but I had found a way to convince myself I wasn't, it wouldn't be right for me, if I was then I would have known from a young age, etc. and continued trying to be woman.. Then everything just kind of snapped into place and I finally realized that these feelings weren't going to go away and I needed to do something about it. 21 now and finally starting to take some steps in the right direction! :]
-Aidan
"I know I was 9 when I started cross-dressing because my friend Albert, who introduced me to the pleasures, was only there in fourth grade."
how do two 9-year-old boys teach eachother to crossdress? thats very disturbing
I was 4, and have thought about it countless times, when I was 5, 8, 10, 27, etc etc. It wasn't about sex or a fetish, I take solace in that for some odd reason, maybe justifying not being "crazy" or "->-bleeped-<-ed up in the head" or some kind of schizo.
I thought it was as natural then as I do now. Although now I know how much society as a whole is against the idea, that the status quo must remain the same.
When I realized? I have no idea. I don't remember ever not feeling this way. I can remember specifically hoping I'd grow up to be a beautiful woman all the way back to age 3-ish? My dad caught me putting a bow in my hair when I was seven lol... I remember I was pretending to be Smurfette, haha. So anyways, since forever. I am sure I was born this way.
I finally realized there was no overcoming it when I was 28, and it still took me 5 years to get on HRT after that. I'm not one to rush into things I guess...
Quote from: GenderFictionX on February 05, 2010, 09:18:52 PM
how do two 9-year-old boys teach eachother to crossdress? thats very disturbing
I'd be curious to know why you think this was very disturbing.
Albert would raid his mother's laundry basket. He told me that she knew he did it and was OK with it, but I never talked to her about it. We would dress up and play house, with me the wife and him the husband. We both wore his mother's clothes, but our roles were him the man and me the woman. It was completely non-sexual. (We were 9, after all.) He was probably as naive about sex as I was. We would do what we saw our parents doing - talking at breakfast, the man going to work while the wife cleaned up, etc. We might have air-kissed when he came home for work - I don't remember.
It was dress-up - like playing cops and robbers or cowboys and indians. But I learned the pleasure of dressing and acting as the girl I knew I was.
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on February 06, 2010, 08:17:12 AM
It was dress-up - like playing cops and robbers or cowboys and indians. But I learned the pleasure of dressing and acting as the girl I knew I was.
- Kate
Yeah, I don't know about others, but I think at a younger age like that, it's more just 'playing pretend' and using your imagination. I know i've pretended to be all sorts of things in the past, puppy, dinosaur, police officer, army person, kings and queens and superheros, doctors, teachers, grocery store owners, barber, chef, etc.
I've struggled with the idea as far back as I can remember. I discovered hormones and corrective surgery when I was about 15. I didn't want to do anything about it, I was afraid noone would love me anymore.
I'm now 20, and willing to take that risk.
Sometimes I worry because I don't have unambiguous memory of motive when I was a young child thus I don't know if I fit the "classical" trans norm. although I do have memories that both support and undermine the theory of me begin a GID young child.
My first unambiguous dysphoric feelings and the conception of the "Please help me god, Really I wish I was a girl." idea began at age 11.
I remember being around 4 playing dressups with the GG next door. I remember feeling very comfortable and loved being dressed as a girl. Until the adults told me that it was inappropriate, that hurt and confused me for a long time. I clearly recall when I was 9 wishing desperately to wake up as a girl. Now at 39 I am taking it further then i have before, the future is unclear right now, but maybe plan A will become reality?!?!
Woo boy...that's a tricky one. I remember always hating being given girl's things when I was little. I wanted the trucks and the action figures and the cool water guns. Gender wasn't an issue for me when I was young...I just was. I knew what I liked and went for it. As I got older, I just refused the gender classification. I felt so misplaced from my peers (the girls playing with silly dolls, the boys refusing to let you join them because you were a girl...grr!) that I convinced myself that I was neutral. I was a nothing. I've dressed and behaved by that code ever since.
There were several times when I was a teenager that I thought about ->-bleeped-<-. I even researched it and the effects of T, the various surgeries possible....But back then, I never imagined it could apply to me. I just thought I was a freak there was no helping, lol. There were also a ton of issues then that...well...made me utterly hate humanity as a whole and retreat into myself. I actually don't remember most of High School. ^_^;
It's only very recently that I've realized just why I've hated myself, my body, the role my family tries to force me into, everything so much. Literally, it was like putting glasses on for the first time, and finally seeing everything you already saw, only clearly. Everything clicked.
I'm a guy, simple as that.
Oh..er...in response to the actual question...age 26! :laugh:
I realized at 7 that something was wrong and even at 18 i am searching for answers...
I knew I wasn't a girl when I was about 4 (I know this because that's the age I started refusing to wear pink, and I remember thinking that I couldn't tell my mother why because she'd get mad - one of those odd flashes of vivid memory from early childhood). I knew I wanted to be a boy by age 7.
I found the early Internet as a preteen, and the word "transgender" very shortly thereafter by searching phrases like 'want to be a boy'. Unfortunately, I also found a lot of misinformation steeped in the assumption that transmen were straight, so I was afraid to seek out medical professionals at the time. I did bind quite often and pack occasionally as a teen though, not trying to pass, just trying to be comfortable with myself. Then I detransitioned as a young adult. Sexuality and employability overshadowed identity for years.
As far as "doing" anything serious about it...well, I'm now 27, and still haven't. I'm back to the presentation I had as a teen though, which is something.
How old was I? I knew at the age of 6yrs old since my childhood that I'm a girl. Back then my parents didn't know who to turn to for help about my gender identity issues, and so I was forced to suppress the ways that I naturally think and acted like a female. Later on in my adulthood is when I finally decided to do something about it, to make my transition. :)
It's hard to pinpoint when I first realised I should be male, because there were several clues that I just didn't cotton onto for various reasons.
I spent my childhood days (around 10 or so) climbing the tree that overhung into our garden, and kicking a ball around with my brother. Even joined a female football team in one youth group. I spent my teenage years in black (first signs of being goth?). Spent a good portion of that time trying out make-up, skirts etc., but something never quite felt right. It was like I was doing it to fit in, rather than something I wanted to do.
Fast forward a decade or so, to when time and other things took their toll on my mind. I was being treated for depression that had been there as long as I can remember. Mum was the first to suggest that I may have a gender issue, when I was in my mid-twenties. Decided after a while that I had too much other stuff to think about, I didn't need that too - so buried it.
Fast forward once more, to the present. I'm now thirty years old. Most of the old stuff has been dealt with, leaving just this one issue. I've been increasingly aware of the times I've wanted to just hit a button and morph into a guy, and how it drove me nuts. Had my first doctor's appointment tonight - feels so good to be finally doing something about it.
There's something mystical about replying to a thread in which the OP has left.
I think it started about 6 but it definately started to hit me hard at the age of 9 when our grade school had a special class to teach use about our bodies. I remember feeling so awkward in the class for girls because I knew I should have been in there with the boys. This woman taught us about growing breasts and having periods and I just felt so dysphoric because it was going to happen and there's not a damn thing I could do to stop it.
Later on in life I say about late middle school early high school I learned about transgendered people from watching Max on The L Word. I followed him closely as some of his life resembled mine. Seeing him get angry while on testosterone kind of scared me off transitoning so I put transitioning on the backburner and aside from that I figured this is just a tv show and it's rare for people to do that.
Then I started watching documentaries on trans people. I remember one on MTV where the gentleman was saving for top surgery and I thought to myself, "I'm SOOOO getting that. No wait I'll still be fat so thats the point of losing the boobs if I can't show off my chest?" Aside from that the needles and RLE kind of scared me so I put it on the backburner AGAIN!
Eventually my dysphoria all started to come crashing down on me and I went into a deep depression. I started looking up more info and guys who have went through this and figured if they can do it I can too so with some hard thinknig on it last year was the year that I officially decided I need to transition.
I was 3 years old and I still remember the day when I walked out wearing a pair of earrings my girl cousins put on me and some make up and I felt so perfect. That's when I knew I was not in the right body. :)
17
At seven, I believe, I wanted to be a girl. I also thought I might have just been a crossdresser at the time, too. It's interesting how it developed, but I didn't actually figure out that I felt that I was a girl until I started hormones at seventeen - then, I pretty much knew for sure, although I do embrace the pieces of masculinity in myself (which I am told is pretty universal among women).
So yeah. At least I'm not pretending; definitely not stereotypical, but hey, I'm a pretty wicked-awesome girl. :D
It's great to see that I'm not oddly old/young to go through this whole deal.
I love hearing other people's stories!
I'm 22 and finally getting started on this whole thing, though I've "known" forever. My parents thought it was cute/funny when I was little, now they're not too happy about it (though I'm still in the closet around them.)
I would've loved to have gone through high school as male, but I'm guessing it's a blessing I didn't transition then, because I'm from a very conservative area.
The earliest I can remember is about 4 years old, and some time before then I had a surgery that involved my genitals but have no idea what. My parents have always refused to talk about it, only that the operation took place.
Anyway, I remember telling my mom that I was a girl when I was 4, and she sure was angry. I just felt like I was one of the girls, like my friends who were girls. That is, until I hit puberty-horrible experience.
So I have known I'm not a man basically my entire life, as I imagine is the case with many others here.
I wanted to transition at around 18-20, but just had no clue how and had no knowledge of what hormones could do.
I did begin transition at 28, but had a major setback so I didn't continue.
Today I'm 33 and there's no obstacles in sight, will begin transition this year
:)
Back when I was very young- this must have been about five or six- I used to always pretend to be a girl when me and my friends played games, to the point that I got something of a reputation for it, and I once insisted in my bemused parents buying me girl's toys. I didn't connect this with actually wanting to be a girl in real life at the time, however, at least not consciously.
At some point I discovered the idea of a sex change operation and I knew right away I wanted to have one, although if someone had asked me then I wouldn't have been able to say why. I always pushed this desire firmly to the back of my mind, because the idea of telling my parents was too terrifying. I did that for a long time- every so often someone would bring up the subject and I'd fantasize about it for awhile ("maybe I can move to another country and have the operation without telling anyone") and then push it away again. Despite this I didn't identify with any concept of being transgender or having gender identity issues. I just knew I wanted to be a woman for some reason. Yeah, I know, that probably should have been a bit of a tip-off.
I'm 24 now and on the cusp of finishing up with college and moving into my proper adult life. It was only in the last few months that I started to consider the idea without running away from it. Once I started reading the experiences of Trans people I had a "eureka" moment where a lot of stuff clicked into place for me (I guess you could say I came out to myself).
I don't know what direction this is going to lead me in. Now that I've realised it's a serious possibility and not a pipe dream (I didn't even know about hormones until I came here) I want to start transitioning right away, but various factors make that financially impossible just at the moment. When I'm out of college though, who knows?
When I understood and accepted that I was a woman? 26.
All the signs were there, I just took me that long to get it. I always had an iron lock on "I can't be happy living as a man like people want me to". I had to unpack a lot of misconception before I could delete those last five words. Same with turning "Being around women's 'things' makes me happy" to "Being a woman makes me happy". Embarrassingly, I had very selective blindness when it came to telling the difference between sex/gender identity and gender expression.
For the longest time, I believed I couldn't be transsexual solely because I didn't fit the mold of the straight naturally super feminine heteronormative women who knew it with crystal clarity from their first waking moment.
Quote from: pebbles on February 21, 2010, 06:55:51 PM
Sometimes I worry because I don't have unambiguous memory of motive when I was a young child thus I don't know if I fit the "classical" trans norm. although I do have memories that both support and undermine the theory of me begin a GID young child.
My first unambiguous dysphoric feelings and the conception of the "Please help me god, Really I wish I was a girl." idea began at age 11.
Oh, same here, definitely. I remember crying myself to sleep wishing I'd wake up a woman when I was 16. It's really tempting to read that as a classical sign of gender dysphoria, but I know better.
From the moment I first understood what they wanted me to do with my body and how they wanted me to treat people, especially women, I was utterly repulsed and horrified. I was crying myself to sleep because I was desperate to "escape" that "fate" and my ignorant mind saw that as the only other option. That horror touched me deeper than anything ever had before. Whether that could be a symptom of gender dysphoria, I don't know.
Can you tell I didn't grow up in a very advanced environment when it came to gender and sexuality?
I believe it was always there for me but I guess I was oblivious to some of the gender 'specific' things that I wasn't really falling inline with as a youngster and about at the age of 12-13yrs old I started to realize I didn't enjoy an participate in some of the more male oriented activities an there was a documentary I saw I believe when I was 12yrs old on TLC about Transsexuals an was subsequently scolded an removed from the room by my father for watching it; so I didn't quite grasp that surgery and hormones were even involved I was under the impression for some time that some people actually started to develop into another sex at a later age than what I was born into.
Around the age of 14yrs old shortly after reaching puberty I started to feel 'off' like I wasn't comfortable with the male urges an found myself going to bed wishing and hoping that by some chance an miracle I would awake to find myself becoming female so that brief piece of documentary was going through my head an I became increasingly inquisitive as to why I felt this way an why I wasn't becoming more feminine so I went online an finally learned what everything was really about an it hit home very hard when I reflected back on my childhood. I realized that I had always had female friends an felt more comfortable doing activities with them, so as years went on I knew internally I was female an had always been but I guess as a strange set of coincidences, withheld information by my family & peers or just a failure to observe gender traits on my behalf an never understood the 'boundaries' of what society deems male an female.
So I as I progressed through middle & high school an having a better understanding of how one should act according to societies view of birth assigned gender I tried hard to date women an be masculine but I could never quite bring myself to get very intimate with women only going as far as kissing them an I found that men were always labeling me as gay even though I never tried making advances toward them or doing anything to give them that idea(or at least I didn't recognize myself doing it) and I could never as hard I tried bring myself to do male activities; So when visiting my moms house I found myself trying on female clothing when she wasn't around and If a documentary on the subject of Transsexualism or ->-bleeped-<- was on I found myself (sneakingly) watching them in amazement at how I related so much to what these people were saying and wanted to transition-I knew for a fact what I was a female trapped in a male body an came close to asking my father about it but before I could my brother entered my room one time an caught me watching one of them an started calling me derogatory terms related to gays an he told my father who sat me down an went on about how these feeling were "of satan" an that I was "possessed by a demon" all of this came as such a scare that I lied an said I was watching out of interest of not understanding what it all was. So I learned very quickly that there would be absolutely no support for me there and my brother went an told everyone I knew at school an was subsequently bullied for it; I was prior to the incident already being beaten by them(Dad and Brother) so I knew transition would have to wait.
I'm 24yrs old now an about to get the gears rolling to do so as i'm by myself now but it has been hard I deal with severe anxiety of not being who I should be an having to hide...I believe my mom will be supportive when I come out but some of the quips i've heard her make on LGBT people makes me a little skeptical. I'm confused on who i'm attracted to, I have found myself to have a desire to have intercourse with male and females so maybe i'm Bi-sexual but it could very well be that with all the fear mongering i've encountered that i'm resisting embracing my attraction to men an have been conditioned to like females but i'm waiting to explore that route after beginning my transition and i'm not sure if I could have SRS as i'm afraid of surgery but I would definitely like to have a vagina an have been actually holding out on having sex because i'm not comfortable with my current form so in short i'm a virgin still.
Sorry for typing such a long post but this is my first time here an really felt like expressing myself, thanks for your time everybody and in short would say I realized who I really was at the age of12yrs old
PS: Sorry mods if i'm in the wrong area i'm a noobie here but thanks for such a wonderful community :)
I always knew I was different, but it hit me last year. I was 22.
I know that I first started crossdressing in my sisters' clothes around age 3 or 4. But as I've gotten older, I may be wrong about the dates. It was just before I started kindergarten, and soon after I was released from a hospital following a terrible car accident. It's hard to remember what I thought about it at the time, but I know I liked the feeling and look of girl's clothing. And I think, because I was otherwise a shy and quiet kid, that I began thinking of myself as girlish around then. But it really took off for me when I was around 10 or 11, getting up in the middle of the night to get my three sisters' clothes (especially their underwear) from a hall closet and put it on in my bedroom or in the bathroom. I learned what a ->-bleeped-<- was at age 13 from a medical dictionary. But it wasn't until much later -- in my 40s -- when I met other transgendered people online and in person; consulted a couple of gender therapists, and realized that I am a transsexual.
Some of my earliest memories is of me getting into trouble because I wanted to wear girl clothes. I also remember in first grade getting very mad because I was in a school play (Cinderella), and I wanted to dance with one of the boys and wear a ball gown.
I started cross dressing in private around 9-10 years old.
I identified as gay at 17 and was a drag queen for a long period of time.
It wasn't until I was able to look at things in my life, and sort through what I was feeling that I realized I wasn't gay, I was a girl.
It was a very confusing time. Still is. But things are getting clear daily!
I realized i was different at age 10, i realized that i was a woman at age 18...so that's me ::)
About 17 - 18: am 56 now ! Always liked girls but enjoyed attention of guys way too much; only thing i knew for sure was "WASN'T GAY"
It hit me around 22 or 23, and some of the thoughts I had been having near the end of college suddenly made a lot more sense. That being said, I feel like looking for transgender thoughts in high school or earlier would subject me to a textbook case of confirmation bias :P
I put the pieces of the puzzle together at 27 and slowly realized its implication perhaps two months ago. But I had girly tendencies since I was 5 or 6, and those tendencies were either mocked or beaten out of me until I became a fighting type in middle school, high school, and briefly on an amateur level. Unmistakable urges would manifest every few years or so - urges that could possibly get me in trouble. I was outright caught one night by my mom and brother as I lied in the shower passed out (an incident related to molestation and just the psychological trauma and confusion it all caused for me). But between playing with my dad's girlfriend's hair, shaving my legs at 6, and other things I don't care to get into, all those pieces pointed to MTW transgender identity. So essentially, my discovery was a derivation based off of properties inherent in girls - properties that caused any denial to be a product of intellectual dishonesty and paranoia of the perception of others.
It is critical to note that I would never consider being transgender but from a purely abstract standpoint had I not known I could pass. So my concern now is purely existential, i.e. can I pass in such a manner that my mother won't regard my transition as a mere disfigurement, that my brother (after a few encounters) can call me his sister without feeling weird about it six months later, that I can marry a normal guy without serious psychological issues, that I can be normal enough to adopt a kid and be that kid's mother? Those are my primary concerns in the long-term.
I'm going to be a bit of an odd one out. I was 17 before I even began to look at my gender identity and 22 when I realized that the term for it was androgynous.
I never considered any of my behaviors from when I was child until later on because I had far worse things on my mind than what my gender identity was, such as the fact that I could die any time I became sick (even with the cold) along with being picked on constantly, going to physical therapy, social anxiety, etc.
I never once thought "I should be a guy" when I was kid for the above reasons and my behaviors were just my behaviors. My parents raised me to do what I want and never said, "that's what a guy would do" or "that's girlly...want to do it?" As long as I was happy, they didn't care what I did. I engaged in masculine behaviors and feminine behaviors, but they never had a label until I was older because I never considered them anything other than behaviors that everyone would exhibit.
When I was 17, I entered the Otherkin community and became more introspective and started to really look at me. It was when I really realized my internal identity really didn't line with my external identity (Otherkin wise or gender identity wise). It took another good 4 or 5 years to find the word for it and be happy.
I'm not going to be transitioning, but I'm also not going to hide my behaviors and just happily be me.
I'm not always the best at putting my thoughts into words, but I will try ;)
I was 6 or 7ish when I begin to think something was up, from the inside looking out I felt very "girlish" but of course on the outside looking at mirrors etc. was very much boy, it was quite confusing at best and in the 60's there were really no answers to how I felt, I just dealt with it as I grew up not mentioning it to anyone.
around 10 or 11 my sister (2 years younger) and I would get curious about our bodies and would do a little "show and tell" once in awhile, I always admired her girl parts and felt I should look like that also...no question! watching her grow up with me was frustrating as she was and still is the perfect "girl version" of me.
I was always treated well in boy mode and had good friends growing up, most of which were girls as I got along so well with them, that has never really changed to this day.
What was always funny was "boys being boys" they would tease a bit by calling me by the "girl version" of my male birth name (see profile name) I would just smile a little as it felt quite good actually...little did they know, lol
In my 20's I so wished I could be all girl all the time but it was just so hard to even know where to start with so few resources to do so. And my career depending on me being male in order to succeed...so I just went day to day being happy that at least I had my dreams and inner thoughts that no one could touch or change.
fast forward many years and on my third marriage to a wonderful girl of my dreams...I could not keep this "secret" any longer from her and finally after twelve years together I told her all about "Michelle" she took it better than I thought but there will be many adjustments that will take time for both of us! she SO doesn't want to lose the man she married and I have assured her I will try to retain as much of that as possible for her sake. (she does not want to be intimate with a female btw)
She is really nice about helping me out by giving me some of her clothes that dont fit her anymore and has even sat down with me and helped with ordering cute things from her Victoria's Secret account.
Yes overall I am happy but as always wish for more! the male dominated career I am in is the biggest roadblock in coming out more than I have :(
I knew at a real young age. I think like age 4 I knew.
5-years-old for me. My first distinct memory. It was also when I hid myself from the world because I was afraid of being punished. When I came out to my dad (who totally accepts me) he said that it was probably the right thing to do because he would have been an "->-bleeped-<-" about it.
I've always been a "boyish" girl when i was like 8-12 but i didn't really think about it. Some people misgendered me but i really didn't care. Later I thought that i am a butch lesbian but i realize that i'm just trans and in all kind of relationships i wanne be guy.
I felt different for as long as I can remember. I didn't come to be depressed until 14 approximately and in the following years I came to understand my "condition" and sought out therapy. I have now been on hormones for a little over a week being 18 now. It's a long journey pace yourself don't rush it. You'll get where you should be soon enough. Best of luck to you.
Quote from: Connie Anne on January 19, 2010, 10:43:56 AM
I was probably between 5 and 7 years old when I first thought something like, "Oh, well, I was born a boy so I'll just have to live as a boy."
I wouldn't think anything like that for many years, and didn't really come to grips with being androgyne/gender-fluid until about 2 years ago (I'm 40).
Heh, my original answer was correct at the time I posted it. But, I discovered in late 2010 (when I was 41) that being gender-fluid was not working for me, and I began transitioning in January 2011.
64!... the rest I'd 'conveniently' forgotten...
Hey, there is so much more VERY important stuff, like having food on the table!
Something you really want to tell your average shrink to give him one 'Benjamin' inspired freak on :-)
He, he,
Axélle
PS: - Key sentence: "What do you pretend you don't know?!"
I realized the minute there was a difference between boys and girls, farthest I remember back, being 5-6 wanting to be a girl. I missed a lot of days my sophomore year of high school because I didn't want to go to school as who I was.Just happy I am finally able to do something about it.
I knew something was wrong and that I wanted to be a girl ever since my earliest memories. Once the internet came about and we finally got America Online and I started looking around on the internet I always knew one day I would transition. I was 28 when I finally took action. And like you, I wish I had the courage to do it sooner too.
The moment I came out of the womb - seriously, now it be tough to beat that...
Dang, I never shared THAT with my shrink. No wonder he had his doubts. There are these expectations, needing to be fulfilled... failure to communicate once again... oh well :-)
Axélle
I knew I wanted to be a girl around age 5.
Now at 31 I've come out to friends and family
Who have excepted me. I hope to transition.
I think it started @ age 10 when I cried about hair cuts. And was always very ->-bleeped-<-ish about haircuts
further @ 15 when I got called a girl and got my hair pulled
started hormones @ 22 and I was getting way to much into mastrubation and downward spiral as a boy
For me, I never really felt like a boy, only when my parents told me I was, I was actually aware of it, and it made me sick. :/
When I was about 9 or so, I was at my grandparents house, and I saw this documentary on being transgender, and how people went from male to female and vice versa. When I saw it, I was entranced, thinking "Woah, that can happen? I need this!" I guess you could say that was my defining moment, but I'd say it was the period of two years where I'd imagine switching bodies with a girl in my class in every and any way I could imagine. lol
I feel so out of place because of this but for me it's only been less than a year, 33, since I fully realized what was wrong with me and so far over that year or so I've mostly decided I need to fix it. Of course I still have doubts but they are all external ones really. I fear whether I can emotionally handle the discrimination from both family/friends as well as strangers I'm probably going to face. Things like that, but I have no doubts about who I am inside so I guess that counts as deciding kinda.
I think I always kinda knew but was so blinded by societal expectations of being a man I was brought up with that I never felt comfortable even thinking on this much. It took a bunch of medication to get my mind clear enough to confront it finally.
I'm not sure exactly how old I was, but one of the earliest memories I can recall is of what would be called dysphoria. I know a lot of people say the same, but i was aged around 4 or 5.
The pain started to become unbearable aged around 9 or 10 when I was realising that "magical transformations" as an answer to a prayer had about as much chance of occuring as Bob Saget knocking on my door and asking for a cup of sugar...in the rain...on Mars...
Yeah, once I got wise that loss of childish "hope" was the worst!
I vaguely remember my mom telling me my sister was a girl when I asked her why her body was different than mine at bathtime when I was 3-4ish?
Later when 8-9 I knew about trans*, androgyny, and intersex, but vividly remember the grownups - or the authoritative - view of it, and locked it all away for far too long.
Anyway, I'm doing something about it now and while it has it's ups and downs, I couldn't be happier :)
Like many other people I knew I was different from a young age. I only recently came out and admitted anything to anyone and started being myself. I was about 7 when I had started asking people about sex change operations and started to get bullied and beat up everyday at school. So i pretended to be a normal girl tried dating guys but it always felt wrong. This year I decided I didn't care if I got harassed anymore and started being myself. I am now 21 and I am so glad i didn't wait any longer.
I knew I was attracted to women around age 10 or so... Didn't even consider trans until just about a year ago and I'm still working on that.
Quote from: Demiguy on April 24, 2012, 02:47:58 PM
I knew I was attracted to women around age 10 or so... Didn't even consider trans until just about a year ago and I'm still working on that.
That seems to be fairly common. My route was :
"i think i was supposed to be a girl" but I cant do anything about it
then it became "maybe I'm just a straight boy" HELL NO that didnt work,
Then "maybe I'm gay?" nope, definitely not.
Then "maybe I'm genderqueer?" Yep, it helpd but still not quite there yet.
Then "yep I'm a big 'ol ->-bleeped-<- alright so now what?!"
Then "Well, technically now youre interesexed" and therefore "not trans" so what the hell is happening.
Then I realised that trans is likely just a form of being intersexed, and that all labels are self-limiting ->-bleeped-<-e anyway, so back to my permanent home at "Ya I'm just a big 'ol ->-bleeped-<- lez do somethin about this for real!"
It's a winding road, lots of tears and fear. Best wishes on discovering who you are. Please remember you needn't fall into a specific category or label, that's what I tried and it really doesn't work so hot. Labels are for documents and containers.
Quote from: MiaOhMya! on April 24, 2012, 03:37:39 PM
That seems to be fairly common. My route was :
"i think i was supposed to be a girl" but I cant do anything about it
then it became "maybe I'm just a straight boy" HELL NO that didnt work,
Then "maybe I'm gay?" nope, definitely not.
Then "maybe I'm genderqueer?" Yep, it helpd but still not quite there yet.
Then "yep I'm a big 'ol ->-bleeped-<- alright so now what?!"
Then "Well, technically now youre interesexed" and therefore "not trans" so what the hell is happening.
Then I realised that trans is likely just a form of being intersexed, and that all labels are self-limiting ->-bleeped-<-e anyway, so back to my permanent home at "Ya I'm just a big 'ol ->-bleeped-<- lez do somethin about this for real!"
It's a winding road, lots of tears and fear. Best wishes on discovering who you are. Please remember you needn't fall into a specific category or label, that's what I tried and it really doesn't work so hot. Labels are for documents and containers.
Wow, thanks Mia... that's probably one of the most encouraging things anyone has ever said to me. I feel like a pre-teen trying to figure out what I'm feeling and what's going on all over again... I think I change my mind every day! Back to transmasculine again today... *sigh*
I don't know. I only realized it was a possibility that I was trans about six months ago (around the time I found susan's.) I'm still not totally sure how I identify but being aware of the fact that I'm of a gender minority is kind of eye opening. It really makes you take a look around you and see how everyone presents themselves. (I'm kind of hesitant to identify as something because I'm still pretty young, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. These years are supposedly the most confusing and frustrating so...and for the most part that's been right for me.)