Hello "family" ;D
I finally hit another year and feel much more comfy now that I've got a pic and a siggy!! (I don't know why...I really don't) I took that pic on Tues 1-12 and I love it! I feel like I really see both my masculine and feminine side without having to do a bunch of make up, beard play, earring switches...on and on.
I went through a pretty serious crisis of identity here recently. I freaked out because bigender just wasn't "cuttin it" for me. I wanted to force myself into a path that would end my GID. I just...had no idea what that was. The most "logical" appeared to be to go the FtM route. I learned...that I'm just not that much man! No matter how I tried to fit myself into that box...wasn't working. Just didn't fit.
Anything that I wanted to do, or thought about doing that might "flag me" FtM freaked me out! (who's gonna be going through my closet you ask in order to flag me? No idea.)
I seem to have "let go" at least for a little while and have found some peace. I let go of "gendering" things and am TRYING to just accept that the things I like are just...me. Simple right? Seems like it, but the road to this place wasn't easy for me! But I'm here. Good enough. (for now.)
In other news that I just couldn't share anywhere else....I finally ordered an STP!!! Yay!!! I have no idea if I'm going to like it or not...but I can't find out if I don't buyh one and try it. Right? Yay!
Hello.
You're more honest with yourself than most it seems. That's great, and well I hope you find your way to complete androgyny or whatever makes you comfortable with yourself.
I'd recommend a therapist to work it out.
Yes I'm in therapy. That reminds me I need to put it in my siggy so people stop suggesting it! *falls down laughing* Thanks for the compliment though!
Sounds like you are making some really positive steps.
And you sound happy! That is great.
Thanks Nicky! At the moment I'm feeling rather settled and happy. It was so awful trying to gender everything I did, thought, felt...in order to fit myself into one of two boxes! I don't know if everyone's gone through something similar or if it's just another uniquness about myself but....it was exausting! I finally let go, decided I just wasn't going to fit into either male or female box and started labeling everything I did/like/wanted/thought/felt as "me" instead. So far...so good!
I know GID will be back. It always is. I'm not so disalusioned to think that this sudden parting of the clouds is forever. That'd be nice...but doubtful. That's what I'm in therapy for. And my partner(she's MtF and we see our therapist together) and I have really lucked out and gotten a good therapist who's open to gender varience. Which is AWESOME. I didn't figure on that...
I don't want to put you on the spot Nicky but I have to say...you've helped me very much. Reading some of your older threads where you've talked about your gender journey has really helped me to know I'm not alone in the "Not quite a man, not really a woman" catigory! lol. Even just seeing your smiling avatar helped me some!
You're welcome! :)
I think that is the beauty of sites such is this, you can realise that you are not alone in this and that other people have trod similar paths.
It is a great relief to stop trying to fit into a box and just being yourself. I scored an excellent therapist too and an endo who is happy to work with gender variance. Makes a huge difference.
Having gone a long way in sorting out a lot of your mental stuff - i.e. just doing what feels right and authentic to you without labelling (probably still work to do in working out how you float in the grey, lots of exploring yet but sounds like you have a clearer path now), you could approach your GID as a separate issue.
Being in harmony is a fine thing. In some ways, having come to similar conclusions as you about not fitting into boxes, I felt added urgency to work out my GID. It no longer paralysed me into depression but it was clearer how it was bothering me. Instead of being one big lump of unhappy I could tease out all the pieces, separating the body from the presentation/behavioural/social role stuff.
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, recognising that is won't always be good like right now, but I think you will find things will get easier with that big obstacle out of the way.
Take care
xx
It strange that over the last few years The people who I have been able to relate to best have started their lives in the oppisite sex body and the not quite man not quite woman has been an issue that i denyed most of my life but now I'm searching for the right way to be me but I don't try to fit into societieys Blue or pink box the Trans people i've met in real life are 90% Binary M2F and 10% Non binary F2Middle the person that runs the local Trans group a M2F has told me that in all her years I'm the only Male boddied genderqueer person she has met but has met a lot Female boddied genderqueer people those of us in the middle have a lot more in common regardless of starting point then the binary trans people so it seems at times when I haven't known the starting point of whoever is posting it seems easier to relate and I'm not suprised when i find out either way.
was there a point to this post? I'm confffooooooooozzzzed now I thought i knew. anyway I'll shut up now