Hey everybody,
The chaotic ocean of my life right now that ripples and roars with anger and hatred has slowly calmed down to a comfortable level.
I use to remember everyday LITERALLY 100 plus people at school would ask questions about me, make fun of me...Say I'm a ugly piece of ->-bleeped-<-, I'll amount to nothing...That I'm a monster. A freak. A monstrous being that isn't even human.
I had to deal with this everyday. Then I had to go home and deal with it ALL OVER AGAIN with my yelling and non accepting mom. Her boyfriend Kevin and the nastier inner voice inside my head telling me that I'm the ugliest person in the world!
It's "officially" been an year and an half that I've been out...But ever since puberty started when I was about 12-13 I knew something was up...But didn't know what, now I can say that the fight isn't over yet and the now calm ocean will soon erupt again with vehement anger -- But now where I've had a few licks or so...I can now be better prepared.
Even though my mother still doesn't fully accept, we get into arguments all the time and its just chao...I can honestly say it has drifted down! Now people at school are starting to get a little more comfortable with me, though everyday as I get popular, I get more and more haters...I get more friends as well!
I've always been critical on myself, saying that I'm to tall for a girl, that I have a ugly face, ugly feet and that I wasn't skinny enough...Always and forever the only thing that I can truly say I love about myself and you guys might already know about this is--My eyes, not just the mix of blue and green or the beauty of the eyes...But the power, courage and strength within that these eyes hold! The dreams...The challenges...
So for now, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch because with my luck and it never fails to amuse me but likely tomorrow something bad will happen just to ruin the happiness, it always happens. Anytime I have ever been truly happy in my life something always has to come by and ruin it.
For me...For now...My goals are to get my grades up, graduate high school, finally get more in depth with the LGBTQI community by going to meetings and such but haven't been able to because my mother is being a butt about it...And...Finally to get my first job.
Which I already got a Work Permit from the school but I need to go to Job Ed first and go to a couple of classes before they'll let me start. I also need to get the job first...Which as of now, there's worries of being trans and the economy to deal with in the job area.
...So hypocritically the calm and seren ocean is full of ruffles and non conforming waves that eagerly desire to swallow me into their dark and pretentious domains...But I have to keep strong. It's unfair. It's not right for a underage child to have to do this alone. But I must!
I have my fellow sisters and brothers...But in all honesty the true path to victory must be faced alone in the end. Upon the pallid one way stairs...That lead up to my true awakening, with my true self and then finally in hope this beautiful nightmare will be over.
Where there are dreams, there will also be nightmares
Where there are friends, there will also be haters
Where there are wonderful successes, there will also be terrible failures
How one deals with these things is what makes the difference
I'm sure you'll do well
Yes, you have beautiful eyes
No, you are not ugly or alone
Quote"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."
– Marie Curie
I have not eyes to see my inner self, but I have feelings to calm my inner reserve... (me)
Nice to hear you're doing better, Evie
For what its worth, I think you are mature for your age. Just think, you have been brave enough to come out to your family and fellow students. Many of us in this forum, myself as a prime example, would never have had the guts to admit to themselves and tell everyone else who they are. You are way ahead of me!
You are right about grades. In the end, if you don't have good grades and have no skills, you will never be hired to do anything. Good luck in school. I know it can be hard concentrating on your grades when you are in hostile situations, but it sounds like you have the courage.
When others say hurtful things about me I realize how truly ignorant they really are and I pity them. They don't realize how foolish treating another person that way really is. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself and others will notice. They will not be so quick to insult you if you can do this and demonstrate it in front of them.
Randi :)