A girlfriend sent this to me and I am still laughing. :icon_flower:
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
:D
ROFLMAO..... :laugh: >:-) :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.binarybasketball.com%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fimages%2Fi-lold-cat.jpg&hash=5810c816840ddc557950276e4f822f14062b06bf)
Thanks Sis..
I needed a little humour....I wasnt expecting that much... ;D
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Here is my favorite, and its true.
OK, it's illegal in most place to pay for sex, it's called prostitution. However, if you set up a camera, and film it - even if you are paying for it - its no longer prostitution.
So, of course, I film all my activities.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on January 27, 2010, 10:54:29 AM
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Halitosis.
Much thanks, Janet. Quite a bit of lol's were had :D
a few others I've heard over the years in the same vein...
Why do people drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
(per George Carlin) why do they tell you to get ON the plane? Screw you I'm getting IN the plane.
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does he fly in level and flip over at the last second or does he come in upside down?
Why do they call it parks and recreation areas when every time you go to park and have a bit of recreation the cops show up?
Why do people say the want to sleep with you, when sleep is the last thing on their mind?
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Or
On couche ensemble (ce soir)?
Quote from: tekla on February 01, 2010, 02:09:32 AM
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
:D NICE.
How come teachers need an answer book?
Quote from: Laura Hope on January 31, 2010, 03:13:13 AM(per George Carlin)
I love Carlin. And I love you for liking Carlin as well. :D
I loved Carlin above all other comics until he got old and bitter and turned into (an admittedly much smarter version of) Bill Maher
Pretty much up until "A Place for My Stuff"
Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 01, 2010, 12:48:07 AM
Why do they call it parks and recreation areas when every time you go to park and have a bit of recreation the cops show up?
I'm sure I'll think of that one next time I pass the Bong Recreation Area in Kenosha, WI. :D (That's a real place, btw. I've long suspected that it is somehow responsible for the nearby "Mars Cheese Castle". ;) )
Quote from: Laura Hope on February 02, 2010, 02:09:12 AM
I loved Carlin above all other comics until he got old and bitter and turned into (an admittedly much smarter version of) Bill Maher
Pretty much up until "A Place for My Stuff"
I completely agree with you there. I downloaded almost all of his old albums from EMusic a while back. I'm going to have give them another listen to. "High on the Plane" is one my favorite Carlin bits. :D
See I like the older period Carlin, some of the shows in the last 10 years were almost as good as Bill Hicks. As he moved from the silly stuff into more serious social commentary I can understand why some of the earlier fans were not as thrilled by the routine as they were before, but I think the more he did that the closer he got to being a real stand-up in the kind of Lenny Bruce mode that he (Carlin) himself wanted to be.
We always thought that the Bong Recreation Area was the perfect place to camp for the Grateful Dead shows at East Troy. In fact it was named for Richard Bong, CMH winner and the leading 'ace' in WWII with 40 kills.
I always like the "7 words you can't say on TV" or Susan's for that matter. I remember the entire stick.
Funny man, Mr Carlin.
This gave me a good laugh xD
This was awesome
And how so many of them are very true