Hi everyone. I discovered this site a few days ago while googling for sizing instructions...but that's besides the point.
I'm in my fourth year of college and have been dressing in secret for the past eight or so years, never telling anyone. A couple weeks ago I scheduled an appointment with the campus counseling center, and that's coming up monday. I planned on just talking about some other issues I had, but I am seriously considering telling the counseler about my secret.
My problem though, is that, as in everything, there is only one first. I'm not sure I want my first time telling someone to be some counseler who was randomly assigned to me that I have never met before. Of course I don't have the courage to tell someone I already know.
So my questions are what do other people think I should and who did other people first tell?
Starting with a counselor is the best place to come out. They really have no vested interest in you, like a friend or family member. From there is is pretty much up to who you need to tell. Lover or SO, parents, siblings or friends.
I told my father first, bad reaction there. Then I told a very good friend, who accepted me. A few years later we became involved and later married. But she didn't like it when I needed to begin transition.
So it is pretty much up to you. Begin with the ones who are futthest from you emotionally and work inwards.
Go out downtown, find some random business person, a very busy one, and tell them. They will be too busy to care, and your first time will have come and gone in a New York Second, and the second time will be that much easier.
Quote from: tekla on January 30, 2010, 12:10:11 AM
Go out downtown, find some random business person, a very busy one, and tell them. They will be too busy to care, and your first time will have come and gone in a New York Second, and the second time will be that much easier.
That makes surprising sense. :D
Quote from: Alexei on January 29, 2010, 10:49:51 PM
So my questions are what do other people think I should and who did other people first tell?
In my case, it was my wife.
As you are m2f, I think any female person you are familiar with would be fine. Women tend to be more acceptable. And, later, they can help you do girly stuffs, such as purchasing women's clothes and cosmetics, tips on make up, and etc.
Barbie~~
Welcome to Susan's, Alexi. :icon_flower:
Be sure to look under the Announcements heading. There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours: "Site Terms of Service and Rules to Live By", "Standard Terms and Definitions", and "Post Ranks". Look through the other stuff there, too, like "Age and the Forums".
I told my wife first (before we married). Then I told my best friends - a gay couple. Then I told a gay co-worker who was and is a good friend. Then I told my doctor, minister, and counselor. (I dont remember the order.) Then I told my daughter.
Somehow I never thought that telling any of these people was "coming out". When I first strarted telling my straight friends - that was the hard thing.
Telling a counselor is good, because then you can talk about how to really come out.
I hope you find lots of helpful information here. Happy exploring. :icon_wave:
- Kate
I never really "told" anyone. They inferred. My therapist included.
I was with my brother when I had the revelation
I just said "whoah, I think I'm a gay guy in a chicks body" we both just laughed, and laughed about how sad it is for my parents. because that would mean that HE is bi, and I'm a gay transguy.
Elijah
Why would that make your brother bi?
Quote from: spacial on January 31, 2010, 02:33:47 AM
Elijah
Why would that make your brother bi?
oh.. I phrased it wrong.. what I meant is.. my brother is bi, so that would mean that my brother is bi, AND i'm a gay transguy.
Thank you Elijah.
:)
I had a friend from high school who I told (after school finished, age 21 while visiting her interstate).. I knew she'd be cool so it meant little and we carried on like it was nothing, but I guess the first BIG time was with a girlfriend (my last) 3 months into the relationship, she didn't like it that much but was 'whatever' about it. OF course until I started going out more as her instead of him and told her I had to do what I had to do (all the way) and told everyone else (mum, best friends, dad, brothers) as well. Then we broke up (this month we became friends again) and I slowly began watching my shroud of a poor fake existence fade away (still fading).
Only one bad reaction for me (middle brother) and I guess some old friends that I didn't much care for anyway so no great loss.
Q for Alexei: So are you purely just crossdressing now and forever or is it possibly more?
I never felt much point sharing with anyone my goings out as me, until it became a 100% full time RLT HRT sorta thing.
Believe it or not, the first person I came out to was my hair removal nurse!
I have since come out to a counsellor and I am just about to come out to the rest of the world. Wish me luck
Pippa.
The very best. I'm gonna be thinking about you a lot, so don't take too long to get back.
I'll get real tired otherwise
:icon_clap:
Thank you all, that seems like some good advice.
Muffin: I think it's just crossdressing. I don't really know what I want. Recently I've been fantasizing about having a female body, but I think that's because my masculine features don't look too good in a dress. I was fortunate enough to have inherited small breasts from my father and grandfather, but I am also kinda fat in the belly.
On a side note, I must admit it feels good to have people make statements referring to me with words like "m2f" and "crossdressing."
Post Merge: February 01, 2010, 09:38:53 AM
I did it.
I told the counsellor. Now someone who has seen my face knows. It was weird saying it aloud and my heart was and still is racing, but it's been done.
I came out to two people at once o.O so idk which would really be first lol.
Umm its my two closest girl friends, they aren't judge mental at all, and very supportive, but then again they also responded with, yeah we kind of figured. If it wasn't for them I don't think I'd ever come as far as I have, it was them who helped me find a therapist and everything, plus the cool part is one of them is the same size of me, so she gave me a bunch of old clothes :D
Once you come out to people you consider most important its easier to tell people who aren't, from my experience at least, I was really scared at first but I've come to realize most people don't really care, guys can be harder, some like to tease you about it, but just screw with them back IMO majority of the ones I've encountered are more friendly tease, not really mean.
As far as the counselor, if they are there to help you with problems, and you can come to them for anything, you could talk to him/her. But even then it isn't easy, there have been sometimes I told someone like that, and it still wasn't easy hard to build up the nerve. But if they are there to help the students with problems and there for students to talk to them, well you may not be the first student going for that reason.
I told a coworker as my first coming out. She is now my best friend!
I was scared to death and shaking but finally got through it. She didn't totally understand it but said she would support me no matter what. As time went on we began hanging out, going shopping, sharing secrets, etc. She tells me things she would never think of telling any of her other female friends. :) I love her to death!
The first person I came out to was my wife. That was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. She has taken it very well (I told her about a dozen years ago and we are still very much married) and I think it has made our marriage stronger. I am only sorry I did not tell her sooner.
I came out to my docotor first. It was of my choice because at the time is was quiet evident something was wrong.
Alice
I actually came out first to my wife, who not does not want me to crossdress. However, since then, I have come out to my youngest son, his wife, my brother, my mother, and even my youngest daughter (15) Neither one seems to have a real problem with it, but then again, they have never seen me dressed, either. I just told them that I like to wear womens clothing and what did they think? I have not told my oldest son, nor will I, he has a 'Rambo complex' and would , I think, disown me. I never told my dad either, but right after my mother passed away, I went back for my mothers funeral to stay with my dad for several days. While there, I wore several of my mothers slips and even her long, sating night gown to bed a few times. I am certain he new what I was wearing, but never said anything. He may have thought I was gay? Anyway, he to, passed on a couple of months later, they were married for over 50 yrs.
First person I told was my girlfriend. That took a lot of work. We basically sat in silence for an hour before I was able to say anything. At the time, it seemed like she took it well. Only later did I find out how much she really hates it.
Since then, I have come out to a few other friends. It's gotten easier (though not by much) since the first time. I've actually gotten closer to some of my friends after coming out to them.
I first came out to my girlfriend. I told her I had always wanted to try on a dress. I like cute clothes.
So the next day she brought me a dress. After trying it on I realized I made a very ugly woman.
But I didn't care.
Like Brianna my girlfriend is very confused and doesn't want me to. Yet she also wants me to express my self.
Well this is interesting. I started this thread January 29, 2010. It got some posts, but died out after a week. Then, 15 months later, I get an email saying a reply has been posted to a topic I am watching.
It brought up interesting memories. That post was the first time I had ever said anything about wanting to crossdress, even anonymously. I ended up telling my therapist a few days later, then my parents after a month, then a few more people, then went full time two months after that first post.
I don't think of myself as a crossdresser any more. I prefer to call myself "transgender", as in, not a subcategory. I'm not a crossdresser, I'm not genderqueer, I'm not transsexual. I'm most certainly not cisgender, that much I know for sure.
Over the last year, I have become a person I never imagined I could be. I've developed my identity. I'm more confident, more social, much happier (when not hormonally sad). I've started hormones, got a name change, had my name and marker updated on my driver's license. Back then, the single biggest thought in my mind was coming out and all the terrors it would bring. I was
certain that my life would be in ruins; friends shunning, family disowning, housemates getting hostile. Now I'm more of a transactivist. I've held up signs in the busiest section of campus on transgender visibility day that say "we all deserve to be seen", I've been on a panel of transpeople answering questions and discussing the gender binary. I founded a new group for transpeople in my area, been to multiple conferences, and a friend and I are the token trans representatives in the dozens of people that frequent our LGBT center.
Quote from: Melissazm on January 31, 2010, 11:08:36 AM
Thank you all, that seems like some good advice.
Muffin: I think it's just crossdressing. I don't really know what I want. Recently I've been fantasizing about having a female body, but I think that's because my masculine features don't look too good in a dress. I was fortunate enough to have inherited small breasts from my father and grandfather, but I am also kinda fat in the belly.
On a side note, I must admit it feels good to have people make statements referring to me with words like "m2f" and "crossdressing."
Post Merge: February 01, 2010, 09:38:53 AM
I did it.
I told the counsellor. Now someone who has seen my face knows. It was weird saying it aloud and my heart was and still is racing, but it's been done.
It's not just crossdressing. I still don't know what I want. I'm five months on hormones, as of yesterday. I'm still my own worst critic, but just today my mom told me that my grandmother [that I haven't seen in years but knows that I'm trans] said, when shown a recent picture of me, "is that Sam's [my brother] new girlfriend?". Don't worry, there's no incest. They were talking about him, then she was shown an unrelated picture of me. My breasts have grown a tiny bit, enough that I don't have to wear a bra to sleep so that I won't feel like a dude in the morning. I'm not so much fat in the belly anymore. I'm 6' tall, and last year I was about 180lbs, now I'm about 150. 220 in the beginning of college, for comparison. It's all from eating differently, I'm not one to exercise. Point is, my belly is flat-ish, but my skin is not, so it's a bit flabby.
I still feel good when any female word is used to refer to me, not so much "m2f" and "crossdressing" though, I wouldn't mind not hearing them. I prefer the terms "assigned male" or "assigned female" when referring to a trans person's earlier life is relevant. That doesn't exclude any gender identities and includes intersex people.
I did it.
I recapped my life during the last year and a quarter. It was weird thinking about the person I was in the early parts of transition, and I still get upset if I dwell on it, but it's been done for a while now.
I'm not out to anyone that I have ever met outside the interwebs, and that's the way I like it.
If I had to choose one person? Probably my Mother. She's the most accepting person in my life. She and my best friend have asked me if I'm gay before (I'm guessing from the complete lack of dating) but they would be fine with it. They made a point of saying so. I'm sure all my friends would be all too eager to accept me since they are open-minded liberal types but privately I think they would feel different around me and I like things the way they are. It's not like anyone needs to know anyways, I only dress en femme when I'm home (I live alone).
The first person I came out to was my wife. She was confused at first but decided to let me do it.
that was 11yrs ago. today she is against it and so I have told her will no longer do it as long as we are together, (well, I underdress from time to time, but not as much as I'd like to and when she is gone for a few hours, then I put on either a skirt or dress). My youngest son knows and so does my brother and they dont care, I have even told my youngest daughter who is 15 and she said she dosent care. Its only my wife and oldest daughter who has anything against it.
My beautiful mom, may she rest.
Joelene
This website. You all remain the 'only' people I've come out to, and that was hard enough.
Well I just uploaded my avatar, the first time anyone has ever seen me dressed, so I guess my first real coming out is here...
Buut I gather the pic is waiting aproval... Sorry girls...
I..
@Melissazm: You've come a long way in a year! Thank you for sharing your story. It really is inspiring that you've come from closeted to self-accepting activist in such a short time.
I first came out to my girlfriend in Sept 1978, because I wanted to be upfront, thats the type of girl I am, she was ok married in April79 still together 32 years later, for me being honest helped if I had hid my cross dressing and she found out that would have been it, it worked for me. hugs and kisses xxxxxxxx
When my wife got fed up with my dressing, I needed a place to live in my style. A good friend had previously offered me a room in her apartment should I ever need it, so I got dressed up and went for a visit. She was very understanding and said the dressing would be fine with her, so I packed up and moved in.
This was the best thing for me that I could have done; we shared apartments for about four years, until she packed up and left Chicago for Arizona. ;D
The first people I came out to were my parents. They loved and accepted me just as I am.
I came out to my VA psychologist, then to a friend of the family. She lives alone and we go out from time to time. She, being a genetic girl has encouraged me to crossdress and go out. I find talking to females is therapeutic as females seem so accepting.
My girlfriend 31 years got married and still together. xxx
Quote from: Samantha.Stone on August 09, 2011, 12:06:36 AM
I came out to my VA psychologist, then to a friend of the family. She lives alone and we go out from time to time. She, being a genetic girl has encouraged me to crossdress and go out. I find talking to females is therapeutic as females seem so accepting.
Yep, except for wives. :(
I think I got the one in a 1000 that took me for me