As you guys may know, i came out to my parents last night. Initially it went well (though i could tell their hoping a therapist will tell me i'm "wrong" about this.) Then this morning my mom said some things i wasn't really expecting - okay, i suppose i expected it but i was HOPING after last nights initial seeming okay they wouldn't "change their minds."
The gist of the conversation was "You're too young, how do you know, why can't you be gender neutral, why can't you be butch lesbian, why not just be butch and not have any sexual feelings, why not WAIT and do this after you have a degree and a career (in other words, not in their house)" yadda yadda. Then i got "If you decide to do this i don't know if dad can accept it, i don't know if i can.... I don't know if we can support it.... He, me, we, me, me.... this is hard, baby steps.... i just hope we can get through this.... how can we be a family...."
Then she threw the "i hope dad and i don't start to fight, or if we get a divorce!" and "i don't need this, what if i get depressed again...."
At which point i sort of tuned out.
Is that all normal though? Should i be concerned i won't have their support?
I'm still waiting on the referral for a specialist but they want to go to someone local first, which i don't agree with - as someone mentioned in my previous post last night, going to someone ignorant of the subject could make things WORSE.
It seems like as they're digesting the news questions, worries and fears are coming up. It's natural and often happens. But you probably won't know how supportive they'll be as you get further along in transition until you get there. It can go either way. :-\
denial and bargaining, the grief process at its funnest, where fear of change is what drives emotion.
stay groovy dood
*hugs*
Yep.
Just wait it out.
Totally normal on their part. Normal part of the grief process, even though you're not dead.
Their ideas of your future (yes, they have them!) are now all up in the air, they love you and are worried about you. Doesn't make it easier on your part to listen to their fears and the comments they toss out that make you feel guilty! Don't feel guilty!
I am a parent and I raised my kids to be true to themselves. If one were to tell me they were gay or trans, I'm sure I'd have a reaction on some level, that their lives may be more difficult now thanks to how accepting and open our society is (NOT!) but would accept them wholly and get them any resources they need.
Hang in there!
Jay
These are all stages of mourning.
Denial. Bargaining. Guilt (or guilt trip). Anger. Depression.
It's been said many will go through mourning because they'll be losing the "old" you and be gaining a "new" you. They see it as the death of their daughter. This is a normal human reaction.
Don't fall into it. Keep doing your thing, stand your ground and help them the best you can- but they have to work through their feelings themselves. Over time it will usually get better.
An obvious word of caution...be prepared for anything you do that is slightly girly to be thrown back at you as "you could never be a boy because you do x" or "you're too girly/pretty/femenine to be a boy". My parents did that a LOT.
I guess i just have to be patient, even though patience is NOT one of my virtues. Unfortunately they told me right out that they want to see a local shrink FIRST (ugh) and get their opinion on available "specialists."
I'll just have to go in alone, initially, and talk to this person seriously about the issue and tell them right out i want to go to someone who specializes and would be most able to help ME (and my parents come to term with this). Hopefully everything will be on the right track (meaning seeing a specialist) within the month.
Good thing, though, is that they aren't acting any differently today. We did our school work together (mom and i do our stuff every sunday evening at the table - me college work, mom her work) and we're actually watching TV (and joking about it.)
I did find out that mom called my Aunt (her sister) in Ohio and my aunt is supportive to us as a family no matter our decisions. I'm sure everyone down there knows, now (big gossipers that they are lol.)
Just have to rein myself in and take it one day at a time. I just get so excited about finally being who i'm supposed to be - now i have to fall back a bit and let them catch up ("baby steps.")
Thanks for all the support!
If you need to see a local shrink, you might want to take some reliable literature with you.
It will, at least demonstrate your decisions are not based solely on emotion.
Personally my luck was terrible with a non-specialist.
But for you it is less time-critical (even though I am sure it is far from being less patient critical) so you can afford to go through it.
They really want to be sure about you, it is something you must go through and it is a serious thing because some people actually are wrong and find it out later.
I wonder what's with your parents. Is it your mother being fine and your father trying to convince her against it? Is it your mother being stressed about it? Is it both?
Why do they insist on a local therapy?
Anyways, good luck!
Maybe if you told them you don't want to be talked into or out of anything and same for them - you just want all the cards on the table. You want facts from a professional who deals with these sorts of issues - reckon they would see sense in something along those lines?
Is it your $ paying for the therapy? If you're paying might sweetent the deal like you know - its my $ so lets see a specialist and not dick around with a general theapist??
Good luck dude - hope things are going along ok...
Quote from: FolkFanatic on January 31, 2010, 05:41:44 PMUnfortunately they told me right out that they want to see a local shrink FIRST (ugh) and get their opinion on available "specialists."
Well, your not a minor so it's really
your decision who you go to- not theirs- even if they pay your insurance. I think you're right in that they'll probably try to find someone to misdiagnose you as something else besides GID. Just be careful.
I honestly don't know what is going through their minds. One minute they seemed okay, but unsure - the next they don't know if they can deal with it. I guess only time will tell.
I'm going to try AGAIN to push for a specialist, but if i do they reserve the right to not go (which would be against the point considering they probably wouldn't listen to anything i told them, they need to hear it from the source.)
I do think they're hoping to have a local side with them. Won't happen if i have anything to say about it! I have a friend who was in counseling for a while, she told me that person was honest and fair so we might go with that person if i can't convince my parents of a specialist. I think it'll hinge a bit on wether or not my primary care doc gets back to me with a referral this week.....
Problem is my mom is convinced the specialist in the area is an active GLBT supporter (which she is) PLUS lesbian and they're both convinced that this person will automatically jump to my side and diagnose as trans. ((Sigh))
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 01, 2010, 08:54:59 AM
I honestly don't know what is going through their minds.
Think you do really. :)
But you've got their aggrement to see someone. Don't be pessimistic, take it as it comes and see what happens.
I just have this optimisim for you. Hang in there.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 01, 2010, 08:54:59 AMProblem is my mom is convinced the specialist in the area is an active GLBT supporter (which she is) PLUS lesbian and they're both convinced that this person will automatically jump to my side and diagnose as trans.
Well, at least that's a sign they might be some accepting and supportive. :-\ It could be worse. They could have insisted on seeing a well known close-minded, super conservative, homo and transphobic therapist (yes, they exist).
Or worse, the pastor of the Right Wing, Total Reactionary Church of Traditional Values.
Quote from: Radar on February 01, 2010, 12:31:11 PM
Well, at least that's a sign they might be some accepting and supportive. :-\ It could be worse. They could have insisted on seeing a well known close-minded, super conservative, homo and transphobic therapist (yes, they exist).
You know, i never thought of it that way. That they're scared that i AM serious and WILL be transitioning. Lightbulb moment, lol!
But no, the person they're thinking of is the person my friend went to for a bit. She told me this woman was very fair, professional, and wouldn't just jump to one side or another. My parents also mentioned the therapist that I saw once a long while back - given the circumstances i might push for HIM if we do local first since I know the guy - he was very supportive when we where going through the whole "omg my daughter ran away (stupid of me but i was 14) and likes to read/write "gay stuff" what do we do" thing.
We'll see if my doc calls with referral to specialist before my parents get around to calling.
Post Merge: February 01, 2010, 12:38:55 PM
Quote from: spacial on February 01, 2010, 12:35:54 PM
Or worse, the pastor of the Right Wing, Total Reactionary Church of Traditional Values.
Thankfully, my parents aren't super religious. So no pastors of anything. I think even if they where, they KNOW my reaction to that suggestion would be....
((holds up two-by-four))
Both of my gender therapists stick very closely to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, and trust me, they are NOT going to diagnose you with GID because YOU WANT them to.
They know that there are people out there who will say and do anything to get hormones, etc, and know how to spot them. They are trained to ask the right questions.
But no worries, dude. Think of it this way. If you are truly trans, they will diagnose it. If for some reason you are NOT trans, they will tell you. I half hoped that one or the other would say I was NOT trans, because then I hoped I could find out what my true issue was and NOT have to transition. I mean, really, who would WANT to transition???? Only people who really NEED to (us), or a few stray freaks who are either truly mentally ill or attention seeking (not us).
Jay
Jay - AMEN, brother.
Well, dude, I HOPE, for your sake, your situation doesn't turn out like mine did. Unfortunately, it appears to have begun that way. When I first came out to my mom as trans, she said she'd always known, and that she'd love me and support me no matter what. Two days later, she asked why I couldn't just dress in a masculine fashion and not have romantic relationships with anyone. What a question to ask, right? Unfortunately... it never got any better. My mother has now, three and a half years later, decided I'm going through a phase.
SD
Yeah, it looks as if you'll have to wait and see. For what it's worth, my mom's first reaction was also one of support, followed by trying to talk me out of it. Finally I wrote her a letter explaining exactly why I felt I had to do this, and that seemed to get through to her.
A year later and my parents are finally managing to get my name right most of the time, but are still struggling with the pronouns. ::) But at least they are seriously trying.
Sebastian - That sucks. I hope she eventually comes around, but it's not looking very hopeful, is it? :(
Yeah, I thrive on having no support whatsoever from my..family. It made me stronger in the end. Now I have the support of a whole drag family at the local gay bar where there is another ftm who performs there, and I just started performing. I have more support now than ever!