your transsexuality got you to feel like your body was worth nothing, and you were just existing? even if good things happen to me sometimes, i feel like they are nothing if i don't have the proper body to go with it.
I can relate to that.
Having grown up fairly openly trans and with my parents toleration, then been forced in late teens into a form of reparative therapy, that was the point where I KNEW that reparative therapy wasn't ever going to work for me.
The point where I started to feel that I had become a ghost, invisible to all but myself and entirely disconnected from my physical body and experiences.
That was the point of decision, to go back to the doctor tell him that his reparative therapy stank and that it was SRS or die for me.
The rest, as they say, is history! :)
I often feel a sense of pointlessness when I try to engage in sexuality with others, as I have so much emotional confusion around my genitalia. That feeling is intensified by the fact that I grew up with micropenis - so I always had discomfort around my genitals, even before I came out to myself or others as trans.
Quote from: NicoleFoxFan on February 10, 2010, 03:01:03 PM
your transsexuality got you to feel like your body was worth nothing, and you were just existing? even if good things happen to me sometimes, i feel like they are nothing if i don't have the proper body to go with it.
My existence for the last 45 years is as you describe. I 'disassociated' from my body in order to survive many negative events.
I feel like this every day. :(
it would be nice if you could just step out of it, throw it in the trash, and get a new one.
Quote from: NicoleFoxFan on February 12, 2010, 05:47:39 PM
it would be nice if you could just step out of it, throw it in the trash, and get a new one.
Damned right it would be.
yes...i know what you mean -.
I remember that feeling. Made me feel like killing myself once. Glad I made it through those years! I still feel this way, but I can tolerate it better.
Quote from: NicoleFoxFan on February 12, 2010, 05:47:39 PM
it would be nice if you could just step out of it, throw it in the trash, and get a new one.
I second that!
Totally agree.
I look at the thing in the mirror.
I see me hidden in the eyes.
I put on my male makeup.
I shiver as my life is stolen again.
I face the day with fear
Someone will find who I am
Will they love me, will they hate me?
I walk there anyway
The day is over
I return to home
I wash and scrub off the filth of man
I see me in the mirror
The haunted eyes
Why am I what I am
Sorry
Cindy