It's just so frustrating that I still have not found someone but I am starting to feel like its because my gender situation is so unique, as all of ours here is. I am 20 years old, on HRT but still living in boy mode, and so while I am very feminine and even look it, I feel like the fact that I'm still "technically a boy" is why guys are not wanting to date me. What's a girl to do? How are we to date in society when we can't fully transition because of family issues and are stuck as half this and half that? I feel like guys want either a full male or a full female (soul and body) and that people like me who are stuck in partial transition are just not considered dating material.
This is just bothering me since lately I had a nice guy give me the right attention and pretty much flirt with me since the first day he laid eyes on me, but the problem was he thought I was a biological female. His friend saw me in the guys bathroom and told him I believe and thats why he doesnt flirt with me anymore. I thought about it after and I thought wow thats so cool he liked me as a girl and thought I was a female which is what I've always wanted, but once he realized I don't have the right anatomy, it was done.
I know this is me just being a bit annoyed and I know there are people out there who are attracted to people like me in this particular situation, but I just don't know how I am going to find that rare type of man if I am not a full female. I know Im a girl in every way that counts but its not enough sometimes to other people. What's going on here and can someone who has been in a similar situation please give me advice. Thanks :(
Until we are on the "other side of the looking glass", I really don't know. I get one date from a guy and I never hear from them again.
I have even went so far as to join a TS dating site, but NOTHING. Maybe some other girls that are in a relationship can give some pointers.
As I am older, and have been in numerous relationships, both as male and female, it is really difficult to find that certain somebody. Though as of late, I have found in my own personal belief, that wanting is definately better than having at this point. I can fantasize and enjoy those feelings, even ache to be held sometimes, but it is something that I know will happen when the time is right, and not before.
I have also found that with me being a lesbian, as I have had some pretty horriable experiences with men, it is even harder. Though, I know that in time, that right person may come. If they don't, well, I always have my pets, and if you ask me, that is the true definition of unconditional love. They don't care what you are, where you've been, when you got home, how drunk you were, they love you the same no matter what. Some pets are even hilarious, and they do have their own distinct personalities that kinda make it all worth while. Just something to ponder until Mr. Right comes along.
It's hard enough at 20 to date, period. Guys are pretty dumb at 20. Girls are pretty dumb at 20.
The in between phases are just simply brutal all around. When you look like a girl but are forced to live as a guy, everyone is confused as hell. If he were to remain interested in you, he'd be hitting on someone who was seen in the mens' restroom... that doesn't fly for most straight guys. If you were at least doing RLE it'd be slightly different, but, probably not much at that age. Besides, also realize that most of the time when guys give attention to a girl it's because they want to put their penis in their vagina first and foremost.
There are people out there who will be okay with it. My TS friend has a boyfriend who she adores, although she's a cougar. My relationship with my ex girlfriend looked like a gay guy dating a girl to my coworkers, a straight guy dating a girl to her family, and two lesbians any time we were out among strangers. It's strange, yeah.
There are people who will find that you being TS is beautiful. You can be indignant about it, but as long as you aren't being sexually objectified or held back, take the relationship experience and enjoy it. There are people who simply won't care one way or another, people who are bi or simply attracted to who they are attracted to. There are brave people out there - for me, just being trans takes up most of my courage.
Ultimately, it's the most unique journey. You'll find what does and doesn't work for you. Play it by ear, relationships are more random than the stock market. Hell, we don't bleed all over the place and there's no chance of accidental kids, we've got some perks beside the ones on our chests and in our pants.
1. Lots of people flirt. They don't mean anything personal by it as much as it is a way (method) of conversing past the awkward silence that most people feel around the opposite sex.
2. Haven't found the love of your life at 20? Be happy, that way you will not be losing them at 24. Once you become who you are, you will find people who like that person. But most of us want people who are, not people who are becoming - no matter what they are becoming. It's just to hard to hang with that and roll like that.
If you find someone who likes you the way you are now, they might try and hold you back when you are ready to make more progress with transition later. You might end up being forced to stay the way you are now in order to avoid loosing them.
Either way you are young, have fun, enjoy life, focus on your goals, focus on completing your self and always focus on enjoying your self.
Maybe later after a full transition you will find someone who will fall in love with who you are at that point and you won't have to worry about loosing them due to transition because it will be done by then.
Since I have finished my own transition I will never re-traumatize myself by telling someone I dated about the past. I will never make a lover into a victimizer in that manner. I will find someone who loves me as the woman I am, or I won't but I will always be true to myself because unless you are ready to die for someone, you always have to put yourself first. You can't save someone else unless you save yourself first.
Anyway... what I am leading up to is that I will never have to experience GID PTSD from a partner because he or she knew me from before I finished transition and while that may not be important to everyone, it's vital to me at this stage in my life.
I recently registered to a well-known match site, identifying as a woman looking for a man. I exchanged a couple of messages with 3 men. The first 2 ran away when I dropped the news I was TS. For the third, I was more subtle and dropped heavy hints that I have "a dark secret". He still wanted to meet me. So we met for a coffee and I told him. We met another time for a whole afternoon, and at the end, he told me he couldn't get over the fact I'm TS. Still, we stayed friends.
An added complication is that I'm still not sure which of men or women attract me the most. I'm attracted to some abstract male principle, but women, I definitely find them attractive. I'm 41, so I'll give myself some more time to figure it out...
Cheers,
Melanie
It is going to be nearly impossible to find someone who loves you for who you are when you are not LIVING as who you are. Really, how would they get to know you?
Take your time, focus on what you need to do to BECOME who you are, and let the romance find you after.
Jasmine
The guy who flirted with you almost certainly knew you were not biologically female. But he did fancy you.
That he turned away because one of his mates apparently made come comment demonstrates that he was immature and certainly not the one.
Sorry love, but it takes time. Every knockback, every let down seems like the end of the world.
Sadly, that's what dating men is all about.
Men take ages to grow up. Roseane Barr once said, First you gotta take out all the cute bits their mommy left in.
If they aren't ready to leave their mommys then you could be super rich super model and you still have no chance.
Quote from: spacial on February 12, 2010, 05:36:45 AM
Jasmine
The guy who flirted with you almost certainly knew you were not biologically female. But he did fancy you.
That he turned away because one of his mates apparently made come comment demonstrates that he was immature and certainly not the one.
Thank you spacial that really makes alot of sense. I think he probably just caved because he doesn't want to be seen as "gay" if people know he's interested in me. Thank you everyone for the advice I really appreciate it. Any other comments would be fabulicious!
Btw spacial, your avatar sailor venus is one of my idols haha except im a sailor moon girl all the way!
This is pretty much why I didn't date when I was pre-op. I gave it a try once with a guy who wrote me through a ts dating site, but he was a troll who had posted a fake picture.
I'm only turning 24 in about a month, and date a fair deal. A couple of guys have stopped calling when I told them about my past, but generally it's not been a problem. The bigger problem, actually, is getting to the stage with a guy to want to tell him; most guys I date never know because it never gets serious enough for me to feel the need to tell them (i.e. about to get physical). So even though you've not got the right anatomy, don't stress too much. I do, and I still have problems meeting people I like (and who like me back), as do most girls our age.
I do second the sentiment of a previous poster who asked how someone would want to date you in your current situation: how is someone supposed to really get to know you when you're not living in one gender? I can report that over the course of my transition, from just starting to research HRT to having SRS that I changed A TON. Even if you're not actively transitioning, the issues you're dealing with right now are going to cause serious changes to your personality and the way you view the world. At your age (my age, too, really) someone may like you one month and then not the next, changes come that fast.
If you're really interested in dating, which I certainly couldn't blame you for, I can only recommend posting on a ts dating site and trying your luck there. The problem with dating pre-op versus dating as an ordinary straight woman is that your pool of potential partners is substantially smaller. While there might be (indeed, are) guys out there who wouldn't mind finding out the girl they were dating has a penis, it's so dangerous to go that route that I wouldn't recommend it. The only thing that I can see to do without risking life and limb is to look for those online who are actively seeking dating a transgender chick. Though scary in itself (lots of ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s are weird, though I'm sure some are just fine), what's the alternative? It's really unfair, because the only difference between a post-op girl and a pre-op-but-wants-to-be-post-op girl is access to the money for surgery; with me, some guys will refuse to believe that I'm a "real" woman, and in that case we'll just have to part ways. But when you've still got the bodily proof that you were born male, it can just provoke a really visceral reaction in guys with wounded masculinities.
Lia
Quote from: melimelo on February 11, 2010, 11:19:52 PM
[...] An added complication is that I'm still not sure which of men or women attract me the most. I'm attracted to some abstract male principle, but women, I definitely find them attractive. I'm 41, so I'll give myself some more time to figure it out...
Cheers,
Melanie
I feel this way too, and I've really wondered if it's related to being TG, or if it's just something about me, or if I'm confused, etc. I love men's smiles, and smell, and (to put it ever so bluntly) am quite attracted to their nether region, but I don't ever feel a real attraction to a personified individual man. Women though, I can feel instant attraction. Makes me wonder.
Sorry to go off on a tangent, the "abstract male principles" bit really jumped out at me.
Quote from: Princess_Jasmine on February 13, 2010, 10:48:34 PM
Btw spacial, your avatar sailor venus is one of my idols haha except im a sailor moon girl all the way!
That's good.
I confess, I have never watched an animie. When ever I've tried to access any the site has always tried to slip some nasty onto my computer.
I didn't know who the character is. I chose it because I just thought it looed really positive and said what I try to say to myself.
Quote from: Starscrash on February 15, 2010, 03:46:26 PM
I feel this way too, and I've really wondered if it's related to being TG, or if it's just something about me, or if I'm confused, etc. I love men's smiles, and smell, and (to put it ever so bluntly) am quite attracted to their nether region, but I don't ever feel a real attraction to a personified individual man. Women though, I can feel instant attraction. Makes me wonder.
Oh yeah, I hear you! >:-)
Quote from: Princess_Jasmine on February 10, 2010, 10:48:40 PM
It's just so frustrating that I still have not found someone but I am starting to feel like its because my gender situation is so unique, as all of ours here is. I am 20 years old, on HRT but still living in boy mode, and so while I am very feminine and even look it, I feel like the fact that I'm still "technically a boy" is why guys are not wanting to date me. What's a girl to do? How are we to date in society when we can't fully transition because of family issues and are stuck as half this and half that? I feel like guys want either a full male or a full female (soul and body) and that people like me who are stuck in partial transition are just not considered dating material.
This is just bothering me since lately I had a nice guy give me the right attention and pretty much flirt with me since the first day he laid eyes on me, but the problem was he thought I was a biological female. His friend saw me in the guys bathroom and told him I believe and thats why he doesnt flirt with me anymore. I thought about it after and I thought wow thats so cool he liked me as a girl and thought I was a female which is what I've always wanted, but once he realized I don't have the right anatomy, it was done.
I know this is me just being a bit annoyed and I know there are people out there who are attracted to people like me in this particular situation, but I just don't know how I am going to find that rare type of man if I am not a full female. I know Im a girl in every way that counts but its not enough sometimes to other people. What's going on here and can someone who has been in a similar situation please give me advice. Thanks :(
You are presenting male (a majority of the time if not all the time) and you want to find a man who will accept and love you as female?
I do not believe this to be in anyway unreasonable. That does not mean that a prospective male partner of yours wouldn't find this in anyway reasonable. Some people will fit, the majority may not. It definitely makes things more complicated but you don't need me to tell you that now do you :-X
When you finally find someone who loves you - who truly loves you - you have found someone who loves all of you and everything about you; despite your quirks and shortcomings.
Your anatomy is simply a component of what makes you, you. Whoever falls in love with you will love you no matter how little or how much your anatomy changes. If they don't love you because it is no longer convenient to them, they probably weren't the right person for you in the first place.
All you can do is be unceasingly honest, open and willing to compromise.
However, the more expectations and conditions you have for a relationship, the narrower your choices will be while looking for a match. Me myself? Hah! I thought I was perpetually screwed. I got a list (not a literal, physical one) that contains over a dozen conditions or expectations of my partners. I find that most of these conditions/expectations, individually, are fairly common for relationships today. At least in the USA. But if you throw them altogether... well, you might advise me to check another planet for my perfect match. But I got lucky.
My advice, as wacky as it may sound, is don't 'look' for love. Just go out, have fun, and be yourself. When given the opportunity, show a sense of humor, show compassion and comfort, share insights... be human. Let people see you having fun. Let them get to know you. You sound like you know who you are - don't be afraid to show people who that is. Wear your inside on the outside - love will then know what it is truly looking at and better your chances.
If you can't just hang around and wait though, be smart about where you look. As others mentioned, check online resources. Make safe choices. There's nothing wrong with being straight forward about who you are, what you're looking for, and what will and will not work for you in a relationship. Just be mindful that you don't expose too much to the wrong person... or within ear distance of the wrong person.
Ok... so I can't tell you not to look for love with a straight face... but that's the best advice I can give you. And at that it's pretty soddy - half rambling thoughts. You deserve better than that it sounds. I wish you the best of dates. Don't let the waiting get you down - life is too short and love too precious to hurry.
Well princess Jasmine, a question... if you pass so well, why use the mens bathroom? It seems a little... well i know you live in 'boy mode' but as you say, an as I experienced, boy mode is pretty darn irelevant at that point... you could be either , so use either, or heck, use the disabled loo if you prefer. The mens might get dangerous soon, looking like you do.
Your situation is far from unique :) I was there and still am there (22 now). There will be one person you like and that likes you, but what I can offer is this....
Don't date till you've gone full time atleast. Trying to get a guy to date you when you arent living as a female and they are straight isnt going to work.... a gay guy wont want you because you're a woman, but a straight man wont go looking for you and will in nearly all cases be put off. I know its hard, but dampen down the dating and hunting for romance for now. Focus on getting yourself in sync, and getting comfortable as the girl you are :) Then start looking :) Belive me, they will come out of the woodwork.
Quote from: Princess_Jasmine on February 10, 2010, 10:48:40 PM
It's just so frustrating that I still have not found someone but I am starting to feel like its because my gender situation is so unique, as all of ours here is. I am 20 years old, on HRT but still living in boy mode, and so while I am very feminine and even look it, I feel like the fact that I'm still "technically a boy" is why guys are not wanting to date me. What's a girl to do? How are we to date in society when we can't fully transition because of family issues and are stuck as half this and half that? I feel like guys want either a full male or a full female (soul and body) and that people like me who are stuck in partial transition are just not considered dating material.
This is just bothering me since lately I had a nice guy give me the right attention and pretty much flirt with me since the first day he laid eyes on me, but the problem was he thought I was a biological female. His friend saw me in the guys bathroom and told him I believe and thats why he doesnt flirt with me anymore. I thought about it after and I thought wow thats so cool he liked me as a girl and thought I was a female which is what I've always wanted, but once he realized I don't have the right anatomy, it was done.
I know this is me just being a bit annoyed and I know there are people out there who are attracted to people like me in this particular situation, but I just don't know how I am going to find that rare type of man if I am not a full female. I know Im a girl in every way that counts but its not enough sometimes to other people. What's going on here and can someone who has been in a similar situation please give me advice. Thanks :(
Everything that everyone else has said about full-time and not is probably on the mark.
Aside from that, you've got to actually make sure that you've at least gotten your transition well in hand before you start complicating it with another person. You should take the time that you have now to focus on being as you as you possibly can. At your age, there's not going to be a dearth of men in a couple of years while you take the proper time to let all this settle out.
I started transition in a relationship. I can tell you that no matter what you believe, you have no idea the extra strain that it will create on *you* to deal with their issues... even if they are very few. They will have insecurities even if they love you. They will have weird feelings even if they love you fully. They will have fears and terrors and the works.
... and you'll still be transitioning both physically and mentally.
Another point and a much simpler way to put an answer out there is:
Love seems to come only when the person seeking love has total love for themselves.
It's my advise and experience. That's all that it's worth though.