I'm beginning to realize that, and I'm curious if anyone else experienced the same thing. I had 18 years to build up one personality, then had to completely toss it out the window once I transitioned because it was too dysfunctional and I no longer required the unhealthy behavioral patterns I had developed for my own safety. Then I had to hastily construct a new personality in a year, and I'm finding out it can't even stand up in a light breeze.
I can get by in most interactions by sheer force of personality and charisma, and I have a reputation for being extroverted. Most people just accept that and don't attempt to dig any deeper; however, when people start investing a lot of time in an effort to truly befriend me, it becomes clear to them (and to me) that there's nothing there. I'm a nice guy, but I am also completely, unequivocally boring. :D
Did your personality change drastically once you settled in to a different gender role? Do you find you lack the same depth of character that comes from having developed yourself over a longer period of time? Do you prefer the person you've become now?
I have no idea about this because I haven't made that huge shift from 'one' to 'other' but I just want to say that it is a really interesting idea, very honestly put - I hope people respond to this thread.
I'm not "post" transition yet, but I think I'm far enough down the path to respond to your post. And I have to say my experience has been completely the opposite.
Prior to transition I tended to keep people at a distance, never letting anyone get too close. I could fake it for only so long, but then I had to retreat. I tended to feign disinterest in things that truly interested me because many of them were not "gender appropriate." I also feigned interest in things that didn't interest me to help keep up my boy-facade. I tended to play the clown / smartass / cynic a lot of the time, just to have a way to fit in. But I would hardly say I came across as interesting or deep when I did that.
Now that I've gotten that behind me, I find that I'm having a MUCH easier time letting my actual personality come out... the one that's been lurking behind my eyes most of my life. I find I have a lot MORE to offer than I ever did before, and people in my life have commented on it a number of times. It's also been noted that some of the things that didn't quite seem to "fit" my pre-trans self make total sense now.
To me it feels like transition has given me a super "booster shot" of personality.
Wow. Diana, your second paragraph fits me so well that I could have written every word of it. I hope in the end I have the same results - a little of the true me has already shown through in the time since I have began my baby steps of seeing a therapist in November. I haven't exactly settled into a different role, but my inhibitions are beginning to go away and I care less about hiding those things I used to stress over. It's obviously being noticed too. At Christmas, I was told by several family members that they love my personality and that I'm fun to be around. This is the first year I've ever been told that, and I can only assume it's because I'm beginning to peel the onion and just be myself.
So... while I'm not exactly in a different gender role yet, I believe my experience will be the opposite of yours Quicksand. I am, admittedly, not rewriting my personality though... just removing the filters I've put in place over the course of my life.
I wouldn't go that far exactly, but I do think my same personality in a girl facade seemed more fascinating to people. I always came off as really strange as a girl, now I'm just normal.
As I continue forward, I am beginning to break down all those barricades that I put up to hide my true nature. I am becoming more open and more out going.
It is a slow process, but it is process none the less. And I am starting to like the new and improved me. ;D
Quote from: Quicksand on February 14, 2010, 07:33:21 AM
I'm beginning to realize that, and I'm curious if anyone else experienced the same thing. I had 18 years to build up one personality, then had to completely toss it out the window once I transitioned because it was too dysfunctional and I no longer required the unhealthy behavioral patterns I had developed for my own safety. Then I had to hastily construct a new personality in a year, and I'm finding out it can't even stand up in a light breeze.
I can get by in most interactions by sheer force of personality and charisma, and I have a reputation for being extroverted. Most people just accept that and don't attempt to dig any deeper; however, when people start investing a lot of time in an effort to truly befriend me, it becomes clear to them (and to me) that there's nothing there. I'm a nice guy, but I am also completely, unequivocally boring. :D
Did your personality change drastically once you settled in to a different gender role? Do you find you lack the same depth of character that comes from having developed yourself over a longer period of time? Do you prefer the person you've become now?
My old persona is so strong he still comes back and engages autopilot when the less tough one (me) feels distressed or effed up by life. It gets really troublesome.
On another note, I am so happy it's disgusting and since melancholy and disturbance add depth, I would say I have lost some. Blissful people are one-dimensional.
Quote from: Nero on February 14, 2010, 10:51:55 AM
I wouldn't go that far exactly, but I do think my same personality in a girl facade seemed more fascinating to people. I always came off as really strange as a girl, now I'm just normal.
I think this is true for me as well. A lot of my interests/activities are apparently expected for males, and having all that in a 'girl' package made me more interesting to guys, I guess... at least if I go by the friends I made prior to transition. I got a lot of 'huh, I never met a girl before who <fill in the blank>.'
Now all that stuff is just considered... normal. Of course, I have some other interests that are considered somewhat unusual for a guy (I like art, I like to read--maybe it's just where I'm living, but guys here are expected to reject art as ridiculous and irrelevant, and also to hold 'book learning' in great disdain), so I guess it evens out...
As far as my personality, I think it's of the same depth, really. There wasn't much of anything that I felt I needed to 'throw out.' I'm less on edge in social situations--though still an introvert--and I'm less angry and depressive, but personality-wise... I'd say I'm pretty much the same person. Of course, if anyone was to notice a difference, it probably wouldn't be me. Maybe I should ask some friends who knew me from before.
Quote from: Nero on February 14, 2010, 12:21:40 PM
On another note, I am so happy it's disgusting and since melancholy and disturbance add depth, I would say I have lost some. Blissful people are one-dimensional.
Lol, yeah. Thanks, Nero. I was trying to put that into words, but my words failed me :P. I perhaps also come off as less interesting because there's no longer a perpetual cloud over my head. But wouldn't an engagement in and enthusiasm for life also come off as interesting (and more positive than melancholy)? The former is at least more fun to be around...
Last night I learned that I have developed more social skills and I fit in now that I am in transition. Before I came out I was terrified to interact with people I didnt know. Couldnt risk them guessing the truth about me ....
Now I could care less what others think and I am able to actually be part of a group instead of just watching from the outside.
Oddly enough, I think my personality is very much the same. I have changed in many surface ways - more alive, for one thing - but I feel very much the same person. Just more 'me' than I was.
And Nero, I had to laugh at your post. Evidently I am now more interesting as a woman, with my many non-traditional experiences and bits of knowlege. :)
- Kate
I was so miserable as a man, when my true self was finally allowed to surface she just wanted to throw away anything and everything to do with the old life. There was a lot of bad there, and to that it's good riddance.
All that's left of my transition is to finish my surgery and I'm done. I'm living the life I love, I am now more authentically me than I've ever been in my life up until now. And just now I am discovering that hey, there was a lot of Chloe there under the surface even back then (my SO says I really wasn't all that good at hiding her to begin with). My artwork, my playing music, a lot of my softer personality aspects have always been in place, and if they weren't perhaps specifically feminine traits, then at worst they were merely genderless. I'm learning there is no need to toss out the baby with the bathwater- I can still be 100% female and have a well rounded personality without ever, EVER resorting to anything remotely to do with pretending to be a male. Even though some bad aspects have faded away, rather than my personality diminishing it has grown by leaps and bounds.
Quote from: FairyGirl on February 14, 2010, 07:52:42 PM
I was so miserable as a man, when my true self was finally allowed to surface she just wanted to throw away anything and everything to do with the old life. There was a lot of bad there, and to that it's good riddance.
All that's left of my transition is to finish my surgery and I'm done. I'm living the life I love, I am now more authentically me than I've ever been in my life up until now. And just now I am discovering that hey, there was a lot of Chloe there under the surface even back then (my SO says I really wasn't all that good at hiding her to begin with). My artwork, my playing music, a lot of my softer personality aspects have always been in place, and if they weren't perhaps specifically feminine traits, then at worst they were merely genderless. I'm learning there is no need to toss out the baby with the bathwater- I can still be 100% female and have a well rounded personality without ever, EVER resorting to anything remotely to do with pretending to be a male. Even though some bad aspects have faded away, rather than my personality diminishing it has grown by leaps and bounds.
This fits me as well. I have gained depth and color. Seriously, how could a construct, which is what my male self was, compete with my genuine female self? BUT, as with any sea change, it took time to find my feet. I would say about four years from the time i started, to a point where i felt confident in my new life. I'm still learning, but to me it seems that my old life, though longer in terms of years, was black-and-white, and my new life is color, baby.
My two foremost defining personality traits are that (a) I have a certain set of all-consuming interests (my art/comix, other people's art and comix, collecting music, etc.) and (b) I'm pretty weird and silly. This was the case when I was 10, and it's the case now; the only real difference is that I'm coming out of my shell very gradually, learning to form friendships with other people, learning how to handle life better and pursue my goals, growing into my native (un)gender, etc. So it may be fair to say that I'm a lot happier and more hopeful now than I was then. The "transition" was always to fit my personality, though, not to change it; I guess I'm lucky, in that my environment - parents, etc. - never really required me to "be a Man" growing up. I got teased for my obvious (to the kids, at least) gender variance and my social awkwardness, but that was about the limit of it. So I didn't have much of a male facade to tear down; that didn't take up much of my personality bandwith.
To the OP:
Give it time, and try to nurture your personality (and yourself) just in and of itself. I wouldn't worry so much about fitting your "new personality" into your chosen gender archetype; that's just chaining yourself to a new stereotype. Explore, find new interests, flesh out interests you've already got. We've both got plenty of life left to live, so above all, don't stress over it too much! ;D
Quote from: Quicksand on February 14, 2010, 07:33:21 AM
I'm beginning to realize that, and I'm curious if anyone else experienced the same thing. I had 18 years to build up one personality, then had to completely toss it out the window once I transitioned because it was too dysfunctional and I no longer required the unhealthy behavioral patterns I had developed for my own safety. Then I had to hastily construct a new personality in a year, and I'm finding out it can't even stand up in a light breeze.
I am just the same in personality as before and I wasn't that dysfunctional. I can't say I've changed much at all apart from I have a bit more patience now than I had before!
Quote from: cynthialee on February 14, 2010, 01:42:06 PM
Last night I learned that I have developed more social skills and I fit in now that I am in transition. Before I came out I was terrified to interact with people I didnt know. Couldnt risk them guessing the truth about me ....
Now I could care less what others think and I am able to actually be part of a group instead of just watching from the outside.
Yes! This has been my experience as well. It's mighty liberating, isn't it?
There might be a bit of a gender divide here. It fits with what we know - after all, a lot of MTF ladies have observed that women in Western society have greater freedom of personal expression, but with that comes an expectation of personal expression. People who present as female but are quiet, shy, bland, and trying to be invisible are actually considered 'weirder' and get more of the outcast treatment than those who are extroverted, outgoing, and unapologetically individual. If that's not us (it's certainly not me), then many of the behaviours we adopt to make friends can be maladaptive, and it can actually be a relief to be free of them. But when we transition, we have to evaluate what parts of our personalities are "really" us, and what we're just doing as a performance. We've lived our whole lives doing drag and camp, after all.
For male-bodied women, it could easily run the other way - the "safe" way to pretend to be a man is to play the strong, silent, clone-of-all-your-friends type. When you transition, you might feel free to express more.
Quote from: kyril on February 18, 2010, 02:17:27 AM
For male-bodied women, it could easily run the other way - the "safe" way to pretend to be a man is to play the strong, silent, clone-of-all-your-friends type. When you transition, you might feel free to express more.
I suppose that was a survival kit for many, but for me I was always myself in personality and image and never got involved in the hyper male type sinario. A lot of people thought I was female, some people also thought I was gay, but to a certain extent I've always stuck to my guns and didn't try and mask over who I really was!
i think im a much deeper person now.
I don't think my personality changed much at all other than being more free to express myself.
So for the observers, it will seem as from a shadow, I became a form.