My parents (mostly my mom) have been plaguing me to get up off the computer and go out and "do something with some friends - or meet some new ones!" So i looked up the local GLBT community and found a meet-up scheduled at a local jazz bar/club this thursday.
Here's what happened:
Me: Mom, i'm going out this thursday.
Mom: Oh, that's nice - it's about time! Where? Are you going with Leslie?
Me: Oh, down town. And no, not with Leslie.
Mom: Amber?
Me: No.
Mom: Felicia? Oh, i haven't seen her in a long time....
Me: Not her either.
Mom: Then who? Someone we haven't met yet?
Me: Sort of.
Mom: *blank look* Well where are you going then?
Me: To the jazz bar/club thing near the dinner and a movie place.
Mom: *confused look* Why on EARTH are you going there?
Me: To meet some people.
Mom: Who?
Me: Do you really want to know? *hint hint*
Mom: Yes! I want to know who my daughter is hanging out with!
Me: *rolls eyes* Point is i don't even know them yet......
Mom: Don't get smart with me!
Me: Sorry. You just keep saying you don't want to talk about "the issue"....
Mom: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: *sigh*
Mom: Erin.....
Me: Fine, fine - i'm going to a bar to meet up with the local GLBT community who has a meet up a few times a month so i can chat with some people in the community, hopefully with fellow transpeople to get a better idea of what i want and how things work.
Mom: *blank stare* ..... *stalks off*
Me: Told you, you didn't want to know. *calls after her* If it helps any my therapist said talking to other transmen was a good idea!
Hehehe..... The irony! She wants me to go out and meet people and now i am. ^_^
Moms eh??
All you can really do is love them.
I can only imagine coming out to my mom at your age. Hard enough at mine! LOL
When I came out as trans, she said at one point: Well, this is easier to take than if you said you were gay.
Many months later: It would have been easier if you said you were gay.
Last month I told her I was gay: Oh, no! I don't think I can handle that!
LOL
Jay
Jay
That response from you mum is one to remember.
:D
Jay: ROFLMAO
My mom said she would rather me be gay and that they could accept THAT easier than THIS.... right off the bat. I think her exact words where... "Are you sure you're just not a butch lesbian? You could be, right? I mean... that would be so much easier for us."
I just roll my eyes and sigh - i'm leaving it up to the therapist to use the fancy words to explain it.
The newest thing is blaming it on the BC pills i'm on (only on them until i secure my T letter so i don't have to deal with red death every month). I'm like... yeah, okay, sure. It just HAS to be the pills....
I have confused my parents by saying I feel like a gay man for years :laugh: After years and years of confusion and depression I think my coming out as trans made sense for my parents and they seem happy that I am happier now.
Hopefully your mum will come around in time. Do go and meet other transmen, it certainly made me feel really good to know that others are around and how much transition can do for you.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 16, 2010, 11:53:49 AM
The newest thing is blaming it on the BC pills i'm on (only on them until i secure my T letter so i don't have to deal with red death every month). I'm like... yeah, okay, sure. It just HAS to be the pills....
Actually that's
adding more female hormones in your system, therefore decreasing your natural T levels. And we
all know that filling your body with excess female hormones just
makes you identify as a male and makes you act more masculine. ::)
Radar - I think they're at the denial stage and looking for reasons i may be identifying as trans. Fix-able reasons. One by one they'll run out of things to try to blame and they'll either accept it or not. In the mean time i'm going to therapy (general therapist though soon to be going to gender specialist) and getting closer and closer to getting my carry and T letter.
I am having my hormones checked though, just to see what's what. It'll be interesting to see what the results are. I'm hoping to show low or regular levels of T for "female" so my parents can't blame that any more and move on.
They've also blamed the meds i'm on for acid reflux, the internet, TV..... I just grin and bear it for now.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 16, 2010, 06:41:04 PM
Radar - I think they're at the denial stage and looking for reasons i may be identifying as trans. Fix-able reasons. One by one they'll run out of things to try to blame and they'll either accept it or not.
Yeah, I know. I just had that "reason" thrown at me and everything else possible when I first told my husband. Even though I knew he was in denial it still really pissed me off. It's like he completely dismissed that fact of how I've felt all my life. If it helps you any he got through the denial stage quickly so hopefully your parents- who have known you all your life- will too.
I know it's hard living with people who aren't completely supportive of your transition. Trust me... I
really know. It's hell. But you'll get through it. :)
LOL what a response. sounds pretty typical
on the note of BC, i have some pretty bad hormonal issues and i've told my mom that it would go away on T (lord i hope so) and she says "well THAT'S not a good reason to transition". again....because all "women" with hormonal issues want to be men. riiight ;)
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 16, 2010, 06:41:04 PM
They've also blamed the meds i'm on for acid reflux, the internet, TV..... I just grin and bear it for now.
Hm... sounds like my mother. Blames my friends, blames the internet, blames TV... So yeah, I know how that is. Oh parents ::).
But you've got to love it when you can do something like that and just be like 'yeah, so I'm going to socialize more' but in doing so you're socializing more with 'those people'. :laugh: It's like 'What? You wanted me to socialize...'
Lol, your parents sound irritating.
Quote from: VampyreAri on February 16, 2010, 09:16:52 PM
Hm... sounds like my mother. Blames my friends, blames the internet, blames TV... So yeah, I know how that is. Oh parents ::).
Ditto, although not with the GID thankfully.
Yes, they are irritating sometimes. But they're my parents - i think they ALL come with that little built-in trait.
In other news:
Mom: Erin, i thought we agreed no more buying stuff?
Me: Huh?
Mom: I found this up in the printer. *holds up printed receipt*
Me: Oh, that. I have to buy those.
Mom: What are they?
Me: Books.
Mom: Don't get smart with me!
Me: Well, they are!
Mom: What are they for? *reads the list* Trans.... Erin, why are you getting books about "that"?
Me: About what?
Mom: You KNOW.
Me: No i don't.
Mom: *sigh* Trans stuff. I thought we where doing baby steps?
Me: This is PART of "baby steps".... for me. it's called research.
Mom: I thought you DID research?
Me: I did. But Dr. P---o told me it would be a good idea to read a few books. Biographies and such.
Mom: *blank stare*
Me: To get a feel of what other people went through...?
I just LOVE pulling the "doctor told me" card! And in case it isn't noticeable yet my mom pulls the "don't get smart with me" thing and i've been trying HARD to get her to say "transsexual".... instead of "that".
I love the "I thought we agreed..." comment. LOL
Baby steps to parents = ignoring the whole thing and sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist
Baby steps to us: research, therapy, haircut, clothing changes
Actual steps: Starting T, top surgery, name changes, etc.
Jay
Edited to add: Your mom just needs to meet a real life transguy who is fully transitioned :) And see that we are normal, stable, happy, productive people!
Quote from: VampyreAri on February 16, 2010, 09:16:52 PM
Hm... sounds like my mother. Blames my friends, blames the internet, blames TV... So yeah, I know how that is. Oh parents ::).
As though even the possibility of a reason behind it makes our trans feelings any less valid...
Quote from: sneakersjay on February 17, 2010, 09:19:34 AM
I love the "I thought we agreed..." comment. LOL
Baby steps to parents = ignoring the whole thing and sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist
Baby steps to us: research, therapy, haircut, clothing changes
Actual steps: Starting T, top surgery, name changes, etc.
Jay
Edited to add: Your mom just needs to meet a real life transguy who is fully transitioned :) And see that we are normal, stable, happy, productive people!
Exactly!
My parents hate it when i "waste" money on stuff i don't need, so they tell me "don't buy any more" and think we had an agreement. I'm like.... nope. Sorry. Don't recall that one. ^_^
I'm hoping a gender specialist will be able to talk them out of the "baby steps" thing (they brush things off easily but usually some in-your-face proof will turn that around), and it would be GREAT to introduce them to a successful transguy as you said.
However it's hard to find anyone willing to do that when you're "new" to the community and don't have the resources.... I'm going to a meet up on Thursday and hope i can find someone to talk to about the transition and my parents. See if someone can help out with that issue.
I'm four of four on your baby steps list BTW (though i need to find and go to a gender specialist), will have the T by summer if all goes to plan and everything else will follow. ^_^ I'm far past the baby-steps though i don't turn down a good read (research).
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 16, 2010, 11:53:49 AM
"that would be so much easier for us."
... Shouldn't it be about what makes you happy? not what's convenient for them?
Quote from: Miniar on February 17, 2010, 05:04:25 PM
... Shouldn't it be about what makes you happy? not what's convenient for them?
^This^
(Stop taking the words outta my mouth Min! lol)
You gotta love parents sometimes... when you do EXACTLY what they ask, to the letter, they don't know what to do with themselves :laugh:
Quote from: insanitylives on February 17, 2010, 05:56:40 PM
You gotta love parents sometimes... when you do EXACTLY what they ask, to the letter, they don't know what to do with themselves :laugh:
ROFLMAO!
Exactly!
Do you have a PFLAG chapter in your area? That can be hugely helpful for parents.
I tried to get my mom to go... but it's a 30 minute drive and she hates driving, so... probably wont' go.
Jay
Quote from: Miniar on February 17, 2010, 05:04:25 PM... Shouldn't it be about what makes you happy? not what's convenient for them?
Many parents don't think that way. They want what's best for
them, no matter what they tell you.
I think over time your parents will come around. They're seeing a therapist about it so it shows they're trying, no matter how hard it is for them.
I've pretty much given up trying to talk to them about it - it always ends the same "you're not an adult, this is an adult decision, don't know if we can support it, need to think about MY health and making sure I don't go back into depression, have to think of dad...."
And last night i overheard my mom talking to my aunt (her sister) on the phone. Various snippets include: "Her dad thinks it's a phase", "i want her to be more social", "how do you force someone to be more social", a lot about how i was always shy, "maybe she could live with YOU and you can... shape her up".....
I was about to storm in, pissed off before i remembered i was 21 and they can't just "ship me up" to someone. Straighten out... PAH! If only they knew....
And i am shy but i'm starting to think that is because of the dysphoria. Same with the lack of sex drive (rather that "feeling" for other people.)
I'm going to leave the end result explaining to the therapist before i transfer to a gender specialist. Because they need to ACCEPT it, if not support it, and we need to work out how it's going to... well... work out when i start T (because it WILL happen).
The closets substancial "organization" of any kind (such as PFLAG) is about an hour away. I'm getting more involved with the local group (The Bridge) so hopefully that will turn up some contacts and help.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 18, 2010, 11:57:14 AM- it always ends the same "you're not an adult, this is an adult decision
I think you need to sit your parents down and explain to them you're a legal adult and should be treated as one. As long as they have this image that you're a child or teenager, can't make your own decisions and have to do everything they say you'll get nowhere. If they can't accept you're no longer a child- let alone trans- your life will be hell. If they can't get past this controlling trip then I think you need to make back-up plans. How they treat you about all of this really angers me. >:(
I have my therapist appointment tomorrow. I'm going to request a family discussion under her supervision so i can talk to them with her support and guidance (after i discuss these issues with her FIRST of course). I wasn't planning to do it so soon but you're right, it IS annoying to not be thought of as an adult.
Plus i just got done talking to her (mom) - she tried to get to to talk to the therapist about my "need to be more social and go out more."
SO not what i'm going there to do and they seem unable to accept that i'm a shy, unsocial person. I don't like going out and meeting people (though i have been recently.) I prefer hanging back and letting people come to me. Part of that MAY be because of my dysphoria - i've always been like that.
Ah, and the argument about the adult thing.... She was a bit miffed because i retorted that she must not think of my married close friend as an adult since her (my mom's) criteria to be an adult is something along the lines of "financially in charge of ones self and takes full care of ones self" (since my friend is financially dependent on her husband and doesn't contribute anything other than household chores.)
Ah, annoyances!
I'll tread lightly here because I mean no disrespect, but often times we are treated as we are perceived. The conversations and banter between you and Mom are youthful sounding by nature, with the smart a$$ comments and "Don't get smart with me" talk. To gain respect as an adult, you kinda have to put off that vibe. Turning 18 makes you an adult, however acting like an adult is something else.
You're going to have to be non dependent of your parents to be a responsible adult. That means a job and your own place or with roommates. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but if you've never 'transitioned' from the child you've always been to you Mom, why would she treat you any different?
I obviously don't know what you've been through in life and don't even know how you specifically feel or struggle with with the life/FTM. Just an outsider hopefully bringing light on why Mom might still the power figure in your life.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 16, 2010, 06:41:04 PM
Radar - I think they're at the denial stage and looking for reasons i may be identifying as trans. Fix-able reasons.
I am having my hormones checked though, just to see what's what. It'll be interesting to see what the results are. I'm hoping to show low or regular levels of T for "female" so my parents can't blame that any more and move on.
Just a warning of a possible bump. My ex didn't go around looking for reasons that I was trans, but when my blood work showed extra-low T levels, even for a regular female body, he said, "So maybe you don't need to transition? Maybe all you need is enough testosterone to bring you up to normal levels."
I will confess to having a fleeting thought of the same possibility.
Quote from: H205 on February 19, 2010, 12:48:40 PM
I'll tread lightly here because I mean no disrespect, but often times we are treated as we are perceived. The conversations and banter between you and Mom are youthful sounding by nature, with the smart a$$ comments and "Don't get smart with me" talk. To gain respect as an adult, you kinda have to put off that vibe. Turning 18 makes you an adult, however acting like an adult is something else.
You're going to have to be non dependent of your parents to be a responsible adult. That means a job and your own place or with roommates. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but if you've never 'transitioned' from the child you've always been to you Mom, why would she treat you any different?
I obviously don't know what you've been through in life and don't even know how you specifically feel or struggle with with the life/FTM. Just an outsider hopefully bringing light on why Mom might still the power figure in your life.
You're right about the fact that i do need to be independent in every way - including my own place and such. You actually basically just stated in one paragraph what my therapist spent an hour telling me this morning!
The only way in which i'm dependent on them is the house (no rent) and groceries. I pull my weight (chores, my own laundry, etc), go to college, and have jobs between semesters. I pay for my stuff, my dog, and everything else.
I'm actually looking into on-campus work so i can work year-round and i'm looking into loans so i CAN get my own place.
My mom just refuses to see me as an adult. And yes, our arguments CAn get childish though the whole "don't get smart" thing was just her being her - i told her what was on the paper: books i bought. She doesn't want anything to do with the transition at this point so i just didn't tell her what KIND of books they where. When she read the paper she got pissed.
And Arch - my therapist doesn't think my being trans has anything to do with my hormones. She told me that today, actually. She just wanted to see if they could be the reason i have no sexual feelings to people (at home solo stuff i do, but no interest in doing anything with another person male/female OR any interest in relationships.) She agreed that dysphoria was likely to be the reason as opposed to hormones....
Good thing is she said there was no reason i COULDN'T get a prescription for T at my visit in April with the Endo. She's going to talk my parents though everything prior to that. I'm not asking them to hug me and embrace anything at this point - just that they don't kick me out before i secure a place to stay and accept that i'm doing this for ME.
you are having way too much fun ;)
You're going to have to be non dependent of your parents to be a responsible adult.
Yeah I'm going to have to roll with this one. And its not a matter of chores, or pitching in - its a matter of being out of their house and taking away that level of control.
You are trading creature comforts for your freedom, and yet you wonder why you are not free.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 18, 2010, 07:09:18 PMSO not what i'm going there to do and they seem unable to accept that i'm a shy, unsocial person. I don't like going out and meeting people (though i have been recently.) I prefer hanging back and letting people come to me. Part of that MAY be because of my dysphoria - i've always been like that.
Yes, I'm an introvert too. Sadly, since we live in an extroverted world, we're seen as something's wrong with us and must be "cured" (hmm... sounds familiar ;)). Some of my introversion might be from GID- I'm sure some is. But, I just may be introverted anyway no matter what. I try to not let it bother me too much.
Nothing wrong with introverts. I'm one, too!
I did find that transition took away my other social anxiety, and I enjoy socializing more. I just am done after a few hours and want my peace and quiet back. :)
Jay
I am introvert too, but when someone else makes the first move I can get pretty chatty. But that's about it.. if they don't make it I probably won't make it. GID or not, I can't talk when I am not comfortable.
Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 19, 2010, 01:26:48 PM
And Arch - my therapist doesn't think my being trans has anything to do with my hormones.
I meant your parents, FF. You said they were looking for fixable reasons for your transness...my T levels came up so low that my ex was hinting around that instead of starting out at a male-appropriate dose, I should start at a female-appropriate dose and maybe that would "cure" me. Uh, no.