Hello all. I'm a new member and FTM. I'm pretty early transition, but with a complicated history - I suppose this is the place to tell the story.
I knew I was a boy when I was really young - maybe 3 or 4. I was reading pretty independently at that point, and my books were rather ahead of my age, so I picked up some ideas about sex/gender despite my mother's best efforts to isolate me from them. She tried to raise me in a very unisex environment, except that she loved to make clothes for me (adorable little dresses mostly) and kept my hair long. I liked the dresses (I didn't say I was a 100% gender-conforming boy - always liked drag for special occasions, just not day-to-day) but hated the hair. I got the idea pretty early though that I wasn't supposed to tell my mother I was a boy. I think it would have upset her. So I had to go through all kinds of contortions to justify my rejection of all things pink and explain that I should be allowed to have sleepovers with boys.
As an older kid, it got harder. I loved organized sports, and some sports (notably hockey, baseball, basketball and football) were sex-segregated from the beginning. I got two years of hockey before I "aged out" of the team willing to make an exception; I was never allowed to play football; I tried girls' basketball for half a season and quit. Baseball and soccer were successes though - my town's soccer team was coed through the early teens, and my stepdad volunteered to coach the baseball team and then let me on it. Some day when I actually come out to him I'm going to explain to him how much that meant to me.
Puberty wasn't a surprise - I read a lot, so I'd had several different perspectives on the body thing, from kid-oriented books to my parents' copies of the Joy of Sex and Our Bodies, Ourselves. I knew what was coming, I just hated it. I started binding my breasts as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I used sports bras most of the time, Ace bandages on bad days. I kept wearing boys' clothes, eventually moving up to smaller mens' sizes as i grew, except for special occasions. Nobody really thought anything of it.
I think the most crushing event I remember in that time period was the shoe episode. I wore boys' shoes, always had. But some time around age 13 or 14, I outgrew the top boys' size. So I went to the smallest mens' size, of course. It was way too big for me, but I assumed I'd grow into it in a couple of months - after all, my feet were growing awfully fast, and my friends (all guys) had gone through the same awkward period of too-big shoes a few months earlier. So I wore my too-big shoes and waited. And waited. And kept waiting, for well over a year...until it eventually became apparent that I wasn't going to grow into them. They were falling apart anyway, so I went to replace them, only to discover that there wasn't one pair of boys' or mens' shoes in the entire store that fit me. I'd been stuck with a permanent shoe size that didn't exist. Except in the women's section, where I discovered I was (to my horror) absolutely normal.
Anyway, other than that, I pretty much lived as one of the guys through my preteens/teens. Everyone knew I was supposedly a girl, but it was the '90s - androgynous, shapeless, worn, oversized clothing on androgynous skinny bodies was totally in. And nobody cared much about social conventions - we were far too busy being morose and cynical - so I could use whatever restroom I pleased, hang out with whomever I felt like, wear glitter with plaid, no problem. I actually secretly knew I was trans thanks to the budding Internet, but the info that was out there for transguys really only applied to the straight kind, and I was totally gay, so that was a non-starter. I tried not to think about it too much.
By the time I went off to college, fashions had changed a bit, and I'd also discovered that a lot of guys liked female bodies. Mine, specifically, seemed to be interesting. And getting laid provided a powerful incentive to present as sort of vaguely female most of the time. I hated the clothes, but I put up with it, stopped binding at all, wore tight jeans (ick, ow) and tried to develop something approximating female mannerisms. Not that I was ever very good at any of the above, but I passed well enough for the only purpose I cared about.
When I flunked/droppped out of college, being able to present as sort of gender-conforming was a plus, as I was able to join the military. I was an aircraft mechanic in the Navy, which was actually a ton of fun. I really had to repress the boy-feelings though. I ended up getting married (for convenience - it got me out of the barracks, which I found particularly oppressive because of the female roommate) and ended up actually liking the guy, so I'm still married now, which is a bit awkward.
So now I'm back in college, trying to un-repress everything, living as a straight-married gay guy in a woman's body who's partially socially transitioning but completely closeted except to a few people who know me through LGBT social groups. I'm 27, look like a 14-year-old boy thanks to my great new haircut, and sound like an adult woman. I don't know where or how fast I'm going from here, but getting some online support is going to be a first step. Thanks for having me.
Welcome to the group. We are fairly decent and if you get flamed here it is because we want you to pull your head out of your ass.
Soon a mod or admin will drop by and link the rules of the place. Abide by them.
We have plenty of FTM peers for you to compare notes with. (and a few andro's also)
Welcome aboard!
Hi Kyril, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to Susan's, Kyril. :icon_flower:
There's a lot of good information and good people here. Each of our stories is unique but we have a lot in common. Settle in, pull up a keyboard, and explore.
As Janet said, be sure to look under the Announcements heading. There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours: "Site Terms of Service and Rules to Live By", "Standard Terms and Definitions", and "Post Ranks". Look through the other stuff there, too.
Finding a place to fit into the world can be tough, as you know. There are lots of paths, and just because someone here says they did it such-and-such a way doesn't mean that will suit you. I was a gay man who was unfortunately attracted only to women, but somehow the military had a place for me. You may understand that. Now I'm just a straight woman. (Sometimes the Fates can be perverse. :P) Anyway, welcome. I look forward to seeing you about the boards.
Happy exploring. :icon_wave:
- Kate
Thanks Cynthia, Janet, and Kate :)
Quote and ended up actually liking the guy, so I'm still married now, which is a bit awkward.
Don't you just hate it when that happens? :D