It's actually quite hard to write this, despite lurking for the past few days and seeing how lovely you all are, putting my head above the parapet is quite nerve racking.
I've struggled with my gender identity for a long time really...I really became consciously aware of it when I hit puberty when instead being interested in girls the way a 12 year old male is expected I suddenly found myself with a deep seated need to be a girl. Given that this was nearly 18 years ago I had no way of finding things out and was to embarrassed to even try and start understanding these feelings, let alone vocalise them...I'd always been an introverted and very intense child who preferred their own company and the worlds inside their head (I guess with hind sight I've felt this sense of not being right all my life, but i just dealt with it in other ways), in the end I spent most of my adolescent years rationalising that i was some kind of deviant freak. I was always uncomfortable with masculine roles and found it hard to make male friends (still find it hard to understand men now). I love sci-fi, comics and all sorts of geeky stuff anyway, so was able to hide behind the geek persona and never really reveal myself to anyone.
At uni I finally started to get a handle on things, after joking with friends that I was "secretly a girl" (humour...it's a great tactic to hide what we are), one friend turned round and said that i was actually incredibly feminine but without being effeminate. It wasn't until a past girl friend was discussing the pros and cons of lesbian relationships with a female friend and coming to the conclusion that they were good, but not the same as being with a man, when Amy stated that she had the best of both worlds because she was going out with a woman with a penis that I really understood who I was. I've spent the last 9 years trying to make the fact that I am a woman who is attracted to women, living in a man's body work. Suffice to say the need to be other than what I am has never left me and really it was little more than a fools errand trying to hide from myself.
Fast forward to last Saturday, and I ended up having a slightly teary, quite emotional girly one to one with my house mate Heidi. It kind of came out of nowhere but now I've done it I'm so glad I did, she's been beyond awesome and so understanding, she's even said I can borrow her heels if I want and will ome shopping with me. After all this time it feel amazing to have told someone who I am without hiding it behind self depreciating humour. Right now I feel great that I've taken this first step, though still quite scared at the thought of all the others yet to come. I know it's going to be hard but I know I can't hide from this any more.
Anyway, this is me, sorry for the essay length first post, but it feels good to get this all out of me...can't believe how nervous I was when I started.
Jaime
Honey guess what..?
Not a thing in that essay raises any red flags.
You sound like a run of the mill transperson.
I went through the 'I am a girl with a penis who likes girls' situation. It does have some advantages but it just doesnt fulfil does it?
You made it. Now you have been able to tell someone your story and truth it will be easier and easier each time you have to come out again.
So welcome to the family. We are a good group and we only flame you when its time to remove your head from your butt.
One of the mods will be around and post the rules links. Learn them and all will be well.
Thanks Hun, it's just so good knowing that you're not alone any more.
Yeah, the whole situation of fancying women kind of works on the outside, but it still leaves you feeling incomplete.
Hi Jaime, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to Susan's, Rock_chick. :icon_flower:
How wonderful that you are breaking free at last and that Heidi is so welcoming. I was always reluctant to come out to women because I was afraid they wouldn't welcome me to their club, but they have.
There are many very much like you here. Pull up a keyboard and dive in. I hope you will soon feel at home.
- Kate
Oh the nerves!!! I had (and still have) them so badly, too. Jumping here was a major step for me! Now it feels sort of... almost normal. The girls (and boys ;) ) here are very understanding and even more helpful. Susan's helps you realize that you're not alone and there's absolutely *nothing* deviant about being TS (or even CD, if that's what you are). That in turn helps with the nerves, a lot! At least for me it did. Now, only a few short months later, the world is seeing who I really am, who I've been all along, for the first time.
Warm wishes to you, Rock_chick!
~Jasmine :icon_chick:
Welcome Rock_chick, I'm sure you'll find lots of areas of interest here. :)
Welcome to the forums, Jaime. Taking the first step is a step to blossoming into the person that you want to be.
Gennee
:)
Thank you, it really helps knowing that susan's place is here and you've all been so lovely and welcoming it's awesome.