Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know there's been threads on this before, but I couldn't find the threads through search or manually reading all the recent thread titles.

So yeah. Simple question that plagues us all. You're dating someone, when should you tell them? When does it become their right to know? If for any reason, they probably wouldn't find out on their own, do they ever have a right to know?

...Gotta say, telling someone is the worst part. I've been developing a "thing" with someone recently so this issue is once again on my plate.

I feel like it probably depends on the person.

Like if they're knowledgeable about LGBT stuff, are known to be trans-friendly, etc. you would probably feel more comfortable telling them significantly earlier than someone who might not understand at first.

Personally, I'd say that sometime between your first kiss and the first time you sleep together, you should let them know.

I would say before anything.. once you two start flirting.. then you need to let them know what they are going into.

It sucks.. to tell them, because a lot of the time they stop talking to you, its happened to me.. but.. its best to be honest and straight forward.

Elijah: I understand that perspective, but I've found that a lot of the time, it helps to wait until their feelings are solidified pre-outing, because it's really hard to deny the feelings once they've been acted on at least a little. At least if the person is logical, they're going to think, "Well I really wanted to kiss them before, but they didn't magically turn into a girl the instant they told me; they were still a 'girl' when I kissed them." So telling people too early can definitely throw away opportunities. You know what I mean? But I suppose it can go both ways.

It depends how far along in transition you are. If you've been on T for years, the only time you may need to tell them is if you plan to sleep together. For those just starting, however, you need to warn them before you even get to the point of flirting, since you're still biologically female at that point - therefore it'd be obvious by things like skin texture, so they'd be likely to find out pretty quickly.

Ooh forgot about that. I meant this poll assuming you pass and are going stealth.

Living as a FT male in "stealth mode", I would tell someone before it got to the kissing stage.  That doesn't mean that I would go in for the kiss and say, "oh and one more thing..."  Before I kissed this person, I would let them know my situation.  That way if they decided they'd rather not kiss someone like me, then I would have given them the opportunity. 

The last thing I want to do is have someone feel as if I've "tricked" them.  Casual dating is one thing.  Physical affection is another.

I would tell before anything physical happened.
Myles

I think it's a case by case basis... But if you think about it in terms of other 'secrets' or intimate details you share with a potential partner - one usually waits until one is invested in the relationship before sharing said details.

No one comes clean with all their 'crazy' straight up entering a relationship. I would definitly say something before it got physical as to avoid a really uncomfortable and unfair situation...

I asked a friend what she would expect and this was essentially what she said to me. She said she wouldn't expect to be told straight up and if there is chemestry between us there are other things to do aside from penetration. A normal size/factory installed penis isn't the be all and end all of why she is with her husband.

I still feel funny I guess about waiting to tell someone and although I probably wouldn't say anything straight up I am still scared a potential partner would feel betrayed if I wait too long to say anything...

Really hard situation I'm not looking forward to.

I voted for before things got more physical. It sort of seems pointless to tell them anytime before this. If they were a friend first I would however tell them before it became a romantic relationship. No way would I tell them on the first few dates though if we didn't have a friendship already.

Before things get too physical. Only time it would make a difference, I'm supposing.

Plus, I agree with the "let the feelings establish themselves first" don't want to scare good people off at the beginning.

Quote from: Elijah on March 21, 2010, 02:58:08 PM
I would say before anything.. once you two start flirting.. then you need to let them know what they are going into.

It sucks.. to tell them, because a lot of the time they stop talking to you, its happened to me.. but.. its best to be honest and straight forward.

Whoa, so it's dishonest not to tell them in the first five minutes? I'm not trying to stir up trouble, but I'm uncomfortable with your choice of language. We're already seen by so many people as fundamentally dishonest just for being who we are...

For reference, I am not "out" to anyone besides my mom (and the guy I'm about to tell you about), and I'm not on T or anything yet.  I only bind and dress male.

When I came out to my boyfriend, I did it before we started dating, when we were in a very flirty stage of friendship.  What I did was "test the waters" by telling him that I liked to be androgynous and that I am "very uncomfortable with the fact that I am female."  He was fine with that, so as we continued to get to know each other, I tried to make my opinion of my body as clear as I could.

He asked me early on if I would be his girlfriend, and I told him we needed to stay friends longer.  After getting to know each other better, I determined that he was very open-minded (he's even pansexual), and when he asked me again to be his girlfriend, I came out to him.  I told him I couldn't be his girlfriend because I'm not a girl.  ;P  We've been together for about a month.

I think it's a good idea to tell the person after you at least have some idea of what their response will be.  I felt pretty confident coming out to my boy after discovering that he is pansexual and very liberal-minded.  I wouldn't just come out to someone just because you find them attractive, but at least get to it before you kiss...

To those who are saying "before things get more physical," can you be more specific? Does this include the first kiss? Kissing in general? Etc.

The longer the relationship goes on, the more you have invested in it, and the harder it becomes to say the hard stuff.

Quote from: Sameth on March 21, 2010, 07:26:36 PM
To those who are saying "before things get more physical," can you be more specific? Does this include the first kiss? Kissing in general? Etc.

IMHO before she starts to reach for my crotch I think a delicate conversation about what she will and will not find is necessary. But not kissing though-that's not what I'm talking about anyways...

I think it really depends on the person and where you see the relationship going. Building trust in someone takes a while - the first few dates are about sussing each other out and gettig to know how you tick and complement each other etc... But I'm not going to announce it on a first date before I even know someone-it's different if it's a friend where a relationship is changing to a romantic one obviously. But why run the risk of ruining something before it's had a chance to start??

Quote from: Sameth on March 21, 2010, 07:26:36 PM
To those who are saying "before things get more physical," can you be more specific? Does this include the first kiss? Kissing in general? Etc.

Anything involving the lower parts, the chest, or really anytime going under clothes. First dates, kissing, all that's fine.

It probably depends on how fast things tend to go with you and your romantic interests. I've never exactly dated, per se - my relationships have always developed organically out of friendships - so the distance between the first kiss and the first "under clothes" attempt has never been much more than 10-15 minutes. If yours tend to follow that pattern, you might want to say something earlier than you might if you followed a more traditional relationship trajectory.

Quote from: tekla on March 21, 2010, 07:45:44 PM
The longer the relationship goes on, the more you have invested in it, and the harder it becomes to say the hard stuff.

I'm not so sure this is true for everyone. Some people have to establish a certain degree of trust before they can divulge sensitive information.

Anyway, I think a lot of trans people hold back to see IF the relationship is going to continue.

I am stealth, and I chose

Quote#  Upfront, before anything

No point wasting my time now is there?


Jay

Which still begs the question, at what point?

OK, let's just assume (because people have been killed over this) that its a big deal to some people.  Like a REALLY BIG HUGE BIGGER THAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE type deal. 

So, let's take something else, that could be one of those RBHBTTEU deals.  Like we're dating, and I just happen to have several outstanding Class A felony warrants from a couple of states on me.^*  At what point would you want to know that?  At what point should you find out that the person has little kids that need to be supported?  Or is married?


* - I don't, not that I'm aware of.  There was that thing in Jersey, but I'm never going back there anyway.

My personal opinion (and this is just based on my own experiences), is that it's better to just tell them upfront, once you know they like you and want to date you.  I'd rather know right away whether or not someone is still going to like me for who I am.  Plus, I don't want to be dating someone, get really connected to that person, and then tell them I'm trans and have them leave.  I think it increases the potential of getting hurt.  I suppose it depends though on whether you just want to casually date people.  If that's the case, you may not have to worry about getting hurt, and so only telling them if you have to might be the way to go.  Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck, I hope things work out for you  :)

Quote from: Sameth on March 21, 2010, 07:26:36 PM
To those who are saying "before things get more physical," can you be more specific? Does this include the first kiss? Kissing in general? Etc.

Physical, meaning starting to lean into the more sexual areas
I don't consider kissing sex  ::) If you know that you and them are going to want to get in bed, you miiigghtt want to tell them. Or have told them.

Quote from: tekla on March 21, 2010, 07:45:44 PM
The longer the relationship goes on, the more you have invested in it, and the harder it becomes to say the hard stuff.

Really?
IMO longer relationships tend to be closer ones, when it's easier to talk about hard stuff

Upfront, before anything

I think that is the best for both...

I haven't transitioned yet, and I'm not out to that many people (only friends and family).  But if I'm interested in having a long-term relationship with someone, I think it's in both my and their best interest for them to know.  In fact, I think it's a really important thing to talk about no later than when feelings start to develop and thoughts of long-term commitment begin to arise - they should know that I might transition, and I should know how they would respond and how it would affect the relationship.  If we talk about it no later than when things are just beginning to get serious, then it's easier to cool things down and just be friends if it turns out to be a deal-breaker.

But it depends on the person.  As a generalization, the more open-minded the person seems to be about these sorts of things, the earlier I talk to them about it.  I like to broach the subject as early as possible.  With some, I have to "test the waters" and slowly educate them.  With others, it can be discussed more bluntly right away.

I guess I kind of have it easy because I tend to be attracted to guys who are very feminine or androgynous in terms of gender expression, are open-minded and LBGT-friendly, etc.  And my relationships tend to develop naturally out of long-established friendships.  Since I'm a "friends first" type of person, my preference is to open up about as much as possible when we're at that point where it's still a normal friendship but we've realized that there's potential for it to turn into something more.

Quote from: Jay on March 22, 2010, 03:46:12 PM
I am stealth, and I chose
No point wasting my time now is there?


Jay

But then you're no longer stealth.

I'm not telling unless it's imminent that there is going to be more than a casual kiss.  Why?  Because for whatever reason I rarely get to date 3.  Most people seem to want someone to put out quickly and I don't; either that or I'm dating the wrong people.  I don't see the need to out myself unnecessarily.  And if  we've dated a bit and then they dump me, whatever.  The more people I out myself to, the less stealth I can be.  not that I expect to never be outed or not have people know, but the fewer the better.

Quote from: tekla on March 22, 2010, 03:48:00 PM



* - I don't, not that I'm aware of.  There was that thing in Jersey, but I'm never going back there anyway.

I saw Artie say that exact thing on the Larry Sanders show !!! LOL...