I'm younger, in San Francisco.
I've spoken to people who've dealt with trangenderism before, and I've never heard any of them mention being angry. I'm trying to deal with this, but the thing is, no topic has ever made me more exquisitely angry then the topic of my being all wrong.
Anyway, no one knows about me. I came out to my father repetitively between the ages of five and nine. I remember telling him over and over again that I should have been born a boy, and I guess he figured it was a phase. Then I went through a phase of depression so severe that I attempted suicide multiple times, and consequently lost all my friends. I met someone (an extremely bad influence on many levels) who would be my friend... it was a male who was extremely feminine, not transgendered, and because he was my only friend and I would do anything for any friend at that point, I followed suit and for a bit less than a year, I was extremely feminine. That was around a year and a half ago, and the fact that it happened mortifies me.
I was not supposed to be female, nor was I supposed to be transgendered. I don't want to go through this. I'm not homophobic, I just don't particularly like dealing with LGBT issues. I've spent my life reluctantly identifying as lesbian. I'm just a normal guy though. That's it. I wasn't meant to go through this.
I am not religious, but I have this idea... almost a delusional idea, that if I PROVE to God that I am "worthy" of being a full-fledged man, if I take care of my sisters and mother, if I show God that he made a mistake, he will turn back time and I will be born the way I was supposed to. I FEEL this is true, but I KNOW it is not. And that makes me extremely angry.
Anyway... I'm sorry. I just need to put all this out there. I suppose I ought to properly introduce myself haha. Call me... I guess... Roger. I dunno. I think if I ever were to come to terms with how I should deal with this and start living as a man literally, I'd let my mom choose my name... Roger is the first thing that came to mind, just now. So yeah, you can call me that. I like school, skating, writing, physics, whatever. Nice to meet you all haha.
Hello.
I think that maybe you could benifit from going to the FTM board reading and venting. I promise you are not alone.
You need to get rid of your anger before you can move on IMO.
Welcome to Susan's! I'm sorry about your difficulties, I can sympathize (as most transfolk can, I'm sure) with the anger over not getting to simply be who we are from the get-go. Through transition, I tried to just stay positive and think about the good things that I had, and you're so young that you've still got lots of life and opportunities that lie ahead. It really does get better.
Lia
I think most of us are angry. I know I've been dealing with pent-up aggression since I was a toddler. And yes, I made life much worse for myself for a while by pretending to be a girl, and now I'm angry about that too. It sucks.
It's not going to fix itself, though, that's the thing. Just like kids born with cleft palates might hope and beg and pray that they'll be reborn in the "right" body, we do too - and it serves us about as well as it does them. There are a whole lot of things that can go wrong with people's bodies between conception and maturity, and in first world countries, most of them just get fixed as a matter of course.
Unfortunately we live in a world where religious people have affixed a 'moral' dimension to our particular birth defect that makes it seem different from a cleft palate or a congenital heart problem. But it's not so different. And to a certain extent, it can be fixed. That doesn't mean we get to go back in time - but neither does a young adult with a history of abuse, or one who was born into extreme poverty and malnutrition in the third world, or one who spent years of his chidhood hospitalized with leukemia. No matter what your starting point is, I think you can always move forward.
Early on/before transition I think we've all been angry about it. Join the FTM boards, they're probably used to angst/rants (you're welcome, all.)
Those delusions you pointed out will cease to be important with maturity/time/more pressing matters so don't worry. Just don't pay them too much attention, all you can do is your best trying to fix your current reality.