Hey guys and dolls,
This is something I never worried about back when I didn't pass. Now suddenly, I am assumed to be a young (much younger than my age but still) man. Now, all of a sudden I feel comfortable and happy for the first time in my life because of this and don't want to lose that. I think I may have just been outed to my new optometrist (who incidentally is very hot) by someone answering the phone who didn't know any better. I have to see her tomorrow and now I'm panicking. IF I was just outed, it was to her receptionist. Would the receptionist tell her?
Trying not to panic.
Short of moving away, how do I safeguard against being outed by unsuspecting people who knew me as female?
I'm moving into a totally different occupational and social circle with virtually no significant work or professional history to worry about (let's be real here, I was a junkie), so that isn't a concern.
I want to be myself first and a transsexual second which is impossible if people know right off the bat. Not "Joe, the transsexual (implication: woman with a beard)", but "Joe who decides who, when, where, and most importantly IF others know his medical history".
I've been omitting "testosterone" from my list of medications on medical forms for this reason (my PCP is also my endo so she knows, but my dentist, optometrist and others don't).
I've been omitting "testosterone" from my list of medications on medical forms for this reason (my PCP is also my endo so she knows, but my dentist, optometrist and others don't).
I'm not sure about the optometrist, but the dentist can prescribe some pretty heavy stuff which might be counter-indicated.
The only thing I've been able to do is to try and make sure that anyone who knew me before and might accidentally out me knows not to. I started with my closest friends of course but eventually worked my way through the list of anyone whose opinion mattered- that is, anyone who supposedly knew me well enough to be sure of my sex who might say something. There were a couple of them I sweated over but everyone was very understanding about it.
I find it difficult when others out you. That's what usually happens to me, otherwise the person wouldn't know in most cases.
You really can't control people and people, for some reason, end up telling others. You can ask them not to, but I think that's about it.
Although it's not good, I think it's human nature to want to tell something, especially if it's something different than what's considered the norm. That happens with a lot of different things about people, from who they are dating, to if they have cancer, or if they are pregnant. News spreads fast.
So, being stuck in the middle of it can be hard and difficult. Because I'm still connected to people who've known me in the past and outted me in the past, I have been open when people have asked. It can get annoying at times, although these days I don't get it as much. My roommies, know, for example - and they didn't know before. They knew me for 6 months before they found out 'cause some mutual friend (who had known me for several years) mentioned it when we were visiting. I was honest and open, and they thought it was cool... then we went back to being roommates and the topic is rarely brought up.
I think in a way, if people ask me about it, I'd rather let them know the facts from me than from the telephone game. I've gotten pretty good at getting rid of that itch with being open at times. In the past, I've found not talking about it with someone who heard and is itching to know, will sometimes go around and start asking other mutual friends for information often getting dis-information.
I guess, in a way, my openness makes it less of a "big deal" and makes it sound more like something that just happens. I find in my group of friends there isn't as much focus on it and they rarely think about it in regards to me. I haven't really run into any problems over it with my group of friends, who just think it's pretty cool and what I did was "awesome."
Now, if it was in a work place, it's something I don't go around telling 'cause who knows who's getting the information. I had this happen once, after a year of working at a place there was one person who was a friend who ended up working in a different department, and decided to gossip about it. It got around the entire building. It was difficult to deal with that, and it made me very upset. The one good thing, however, is that many people didn't believe his gossip and thought he was BSing like he does half of the time. I played into it like that - that he was just saying BS to come up with conversation. A lot of people knew he was a gossip, and that proceeded what he said about me, so his word was as believable as the Easter Bunny.
I think over time I just learned how to handle different situations really well. Different situations 'cause for different action.
Sometimes inaction is also an action, too. Also, never, ever panic.
Like, say, you're at a store and someone calls you the wrong gender - don't panic, get your stuff, and leave like you would normally. I've known others who have gotten into fights at stores over it, which isn't worth it and actually causes more attention towards you and you'll stick in that persons mind. Stores are often so busy they probably won't remember you if you're just a regular customer. Sometimes the sales clerk will say the wrong gender by accident (I know a lot of pretty women who have been called "sir" -- but remember, some clerks will call everyone sir, no matter the gender). Sometimes, if it's busy, they'll just get all confused on who they are talking to.
Often, these are people who won't see again, or see rarely. Why waste your time with them. Let them forget about you.
Also, looking at someone like they are crazy and blind when they call you the wrong gender can also be affective. Often people will correct and realize they made a mistake. Also, remember, that people who aren't trans get called the wrong gender a lot. I have many male and female friends who get called the wrong gender by a clerk at a store or a stranger -- sometimes friends will slip up 'cause they are thinking of someone else. I've known very manly looking men who have been called "she" and very womanly looking women who get called "he" by accident -- a slip of the tongue. It's different than if someone you know is calling you the wrong gender constantly -- in that case, the best thing would to bring it up with the person. Sometimes talking with the person will make them understand; other times, they aren't worth the friendship.
So, in conclusion: Never panic, and pick your fights. Remember that!
As for your Doctor, Nero, I wouldn't panic and freak out about it. Sometimes that is the best remedy. I'm sure the doctor will meet you and probably dis-regard what the receptionist said. If it becomes a problem, then you may want to talk to the receptionist about it. Or, perhaps, if you're not going to be seeing the doc very often, decide not to make a deal out of it. It's up to you. Just remember that panic always makes it worse.
Fundamentally I agree with Gothique11
My biggest response is to hold the whole thing as an open secret. That is to say, whilst I don't actively advertise it I certainly don't conceal either and in fact I sometimes casually out myself without even stopping to explain. I act like it's no big deal, so if anyone wants to make a big issue from it they are going to feel really retarded.
For example on the odd occasion when I can see a situation might give me away I will just casually say, without any warning or buildup, "well of course back in the early 80's I underwent a sex change operation..." and then I simply carry on with whatever I was saying as if I had just told them that I liked two sugars in my coffee. The technique works... just about the worst reaction I ever get is "oh really, that's a bit unusual." To which my reply is often a laughing "not really, there's a lot of it about. These days you never can tell!"
Short of being completely out, in which case there would be nothing to "out" I think the biggest safeguard you can have is actually not to care too much. Then it really doesn't matter one way or the other and the fear goes out of the situation.
Most of my circle knows and they are respectful enough not to out me. New people such as an optometrist, only know me as a woman.
The only one that would out me is my ex, but she even has the sense to only do it if it is required. Mostly so that they don't see her as a lesbian, she is scared too death with that label. And most of the ones that she has outed me to were family members on her side. And even those people refer to me as Janet, she or her.
How would the receptionist know, unless she knew you before? And even then it was not her place. If the doctor says nothing, follow his lead. If not explain that you are to be referred to as "Joe", he and him.
Quote from: rejennyrated on March 22, 2010, 04:32:06 PM
Short of being completely out, in which case there would be nothing to "out" I think the biggest safeguard you can have is actually not to care too much. Then it really doesn't matter one way or the other and the fear goes out of the situation.
I agree with this. Unfortunately, this is part of the process and to some extent we just have to accept it as such. If it is no big deal, then it becomes no big deal.
- Kate
The Truth.
Pretty much a solid defense against everything.
Only way you can't be outed is if you're out already. Sorry.
I have specifically told certain people who are not up on the etiquette of having trans friends or relatives that when introducing me to others who didn't know me before to be mindful of pronouns, etc, because you know how people are homophobic, well even more are transphobic and outing me to the wrong people or in the wrong place could be dangerous for me. So far that has worked and they have done just that.
Jay
Honestly? Don't let people who knew you from before meet the people who know you now. There are some folks in this world that you really can trust, but I think most people are gossips who will out you if there's not something more interesting to talk about. So, yeah, it sucks, but experiences with my circle of acquaintances have led me to this opinion, and there's not much to do but accept it.
Lia
Well when it comes to the crunch a lot of people think Im a Sith lord. I have been mistaken as a sith when I wear only black but I assure you I am a Jedi. My only safeguard against all this is slicing them in half with my Lightsaber. ;D
Since my legal name isn't changed yet...I'm automatically unwillingly outed when I go to doctors. I just deal with it. I'm absolutely not ok with being seen as or called female but although my legal name is female...alot of doctors just look at me funny and still call me he. There are some who ignore my sideburns, voice, etc...and still call me she. When they do I correct them and just say "I'm trans" cause I obviously can't say, yet, "I'm male" cause they have my paperwork infront of them. In normal life if I have to show my ID, I grit my teeth and show it...cause typically my friends never have to see my ID. My roommate likes to out me for no good reason all the time...and in that case I've told him about it time and time again and finally give up...he won't stop. I'm moving out of his place soon though. I just have to ignore his stupid...deliberate...ignorance.
Quote from: Natalie3174 on March 23, 2010, 12:41:17 AM
Well when it comes to the crunch a lot of people think Im a Sith lord. I have been mistaken as a sith when I wear only black but I assure you I am a Jedi. My only safeguard against all this is slicing them in half with my Lightsaber. ;D
I am so glad you're on this site :)
Quote from: Natalie3174 on March 23, 2010, 12:41:17 AM
Well when it comes to the crunch a lot of people think Im a Sith lord. I have been mistaken as a sith when I wear only black but I assure you I am a Jedi. My only safeguard against all this is slicing them in half with my Lightsaber. ;D
Jedi Pah!
I'll have you know that my father, The Doctor, is the last of the time lords from the planet Galifrey in the constellation of Casterberous! Sadly he thinks he is all alone because he does not yet know that I have Re-Jenny-Rated! :laugh:
Recently I had to go to hospital because I trapped my second right hand toe nail (I will loose the nail) in the screen door. Anyway at the hospital two questions that stood out where:
Do you have any allergic reaction to any drug? No or None known.
Do you take any current medications? Yes, Progynova.
If pressed as to why I take hormone tablets, I say, "I have always had problems with my hormones", which always satisfies the person who is asking the question. So basically I have always answered those above questions regardless of what form I have filled in truthfully.
I will never discuss what I have done with any doctor unless it is absolutely necessary so optometrists or dentists will definitely not know. I have only had two doctors that know about me, one for fifteen years and my current one for 5 years and I travel over 750 miles to see her, but then again that is where my family is and like Valeriedances, my life is in two boxes so to speak.
My family knows that I am a very private person and they protect my privacy and only a couple of members in my family know more about the in depth details. It has only been recently that I have told two of them about those details. I could have told them long time ago and I knew that they wanted to know those details because I knew instinctively that they had a genuine interest. But circumstances did not permit them from knowing a lot earlier.
I have never had any problems that I know of in regards to my family, their friends and my friends do not know about my previous life. I know because I have asked relevant questions, if any of their friends have ever asked or question them about me in anyway whatsoever and they have said no.
So I am happy that what I did over 21 years ago remains private amongst my family and I only tell those who absolutely need to know.
This is the way I like my life and that is the way I want it, but then again that's me.
Kind regards
Sarah B