Please forgive the wall of text, sometimes when I start writing I can go on for hours before I realize I've warn the letters off my keys. It's part of the reason I don't post often around here I guess.
Under normal circumstances I welcome the longer days. The warmth of summer eases the aches and pains I feel in my joints and muscles from the cold weather, and if I'm not careful it can even seep into my heart. But this spring I feel as if the sun can't even help me. My nights have been long lately, troubled by dreams I dare not recall yet I spend my days wondering what I'm doing. Lately, an hour or so after getting out of bed I'll start to have the eye muscle twitches that signal the early stages of advanced sleep deprivation.
This last month I've done more work then I've done all winter. Normally the more work I take on the less room I leave in my brain for thinking about things in my personal life. But this time, the work hasn't been able to push out the creeping din of questions, regrets and the pains of my past. I've conveniently scheduled some time off for myself, while my SO is out of town for a week. I've told myself I can use this time to reflect on my goals, reestablish a plan for the work I have coming up this summer and possibly spend some time letting my other side show itself while I have a week of privacy. Anticipation killed me the week before my time off, making me question why. What would make spending a week dressed as a female (dressed as a female for the first time at that) make me so excited, yet worried? I had been thinking about this, and the things I would have to do in order to make me feel as comfortable as possible with the appearance for almost two weeks prior to my SO leaving. And yet the day I was alone, I was worried.
How will I handle the feelings from seeing myself in the mirror, and what will that do to me once I have to go back to male mode? This farce known as my life has gone on far too long, though changing my outward appearance may not be the answer. I was robbed of my childhood that much I know. I was robbed of all the things I wished I could have experienced in life. I wasn't able to live the life of the child I should have been. I wasn't able to live the life of the teen I should have been. My friends, my loves, my pains the joy had been robbed from me and it feels like nothing I could do now could ever make up for what I've lost. I feel like all I have left is to continue this act of being happy as a man.
I feel tired and drained now that this week is over with. I didn't do anything that I wanted to do this week. I haven't slept well this last week. I haven't even called the people I get work from yet to find out what I could be doing this week. I'm getting sick of having different memories of the past come back to me unprovoked and leaving me feeling like there's no hope for escaping my past. Even if I was able to transition, I worry that these memories will always come back to me. Even things from my recent past come back to me once in a while. Situations that I felt was handled as best as I could, yet when I have them played back to me in my mind I feel like I had made a grave error on my part. Something I might have said or done would give me the feeling great remorse and guilt.
I've thought about what actions I'll have to take in order to make this better. To help me feel less like a failure at something as basic as being what I am. I truly wish I would have said something to my parents when I had the chance, no matter what fears I had about the outcome. At least now, after spending all this time as I am, I would have known that it truly wasn't just my fault for not taking that first step. If you've made it this far down the post, thank you for listening. Let me know what you've done to help hide the person of your past, if it's even possible. Or just let me know I'm not the only one that is haunted by the past, present or future (depending on your situation).
I know I worry about my future. If I'll be able to keep this costume party up until my days have come to an end.
Hello.
I tottaly get it. I didn't come out of the closet until I was 41. I knew or a fact since age 9, without a doubt.
I couldn't tell my family, that could literaly be a death sentance. (not really but I thought it.) I came from a very strict religion that focused heavily on old testament. I had seen in the bible with my own eyes that I could be put to death under gods law. Not a good prospect for coming out.
Eventualy of course I stoped believeing my family would kill me for being a shame to the family. But by then I had been thouroghly indoctrinated by society as to what is right and wrong.
I went to a therapist who told me I was sick in my 20's. That put me further in the closet for 20 more years.
I do regret and mourn the 1000's of oportunities I had to come out that I didn't.
Ya got to live for now. The past might suck but you can not allow it to make today and tommorow suck. Be you and be proud. That is the greatest acomplishment anyone can attain.
I also know the pain and worry you face. I hated living part time as me and part time as him. I would die every time that I had to rise and go into the world as a male.
Then came the time I could do it no more. I changed my name. I changed my gender on my D/L. And I came out at work. On September 13, 2008, Janet stepped into the world and he was not seen again.
I still refer to my past, I just don't mention things that would out me to new people. Or if something comes up it is referred to in gender neutral terms. Ex spouses and loves are referred to as that "Exes".
For 54 years I lived a lie, and now I can live free as I was meant to. You will come to that point and do what it takes to be true to yourself.
Hi LivingInGrey,
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I understand where you're coming from. I'm 36, and there is very little of my past that I consider worth remembering. Much of it I would prefer not to. Like you, I often used to be haunted by the past. It takes some time to work through it, but you can lay it to rest. You can't change the past...you can't change what you've lost...but you can make your present and future something worth living through, and something worth remembering when you look back on these days in the years to come.
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You can't run from your feelings forever, without it making you completely miserable. I've been there too. Doing everything that I could to keep the mask in-place because of my SO and her various issues of instability. Change can often seem scary...and often comes with a tinge of regret...but change is also often necessary. See how you feel, and be honest with yourself...that's the most important thing you can do. Decide what you need in order to be happy, in order to feel at peace. Then you can choose how to pursue it.
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Is what you're feeling and going through right now really worth keeping that mask in-place forever? Change will innevitably come. For me, it was waiting as the years and my SO wore me down until I was just waiting to die. Do yourself a favor, don't wait that long, it's a b*tch to climb back from. If you feel this way on a daily basis, then you have the opportunity to choose right now: Will you wait as the years wear you down?...or will you choose to seek out another path that is better, happier, and healthier for you?
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Good luck, and choose wisely friend,
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Kay