I been here, for more than a year (14-15 months I think now), I had an earlier account and thought I was cured. Now feelings are emerging again that I want to be a woman. I could be repeating something I said a long time ago here, but anyways when I was younger I express my femininity much more. But then like at 12 I guess I just stop being feminine. I think it really screwed my life, since I feel like I have an automatic filter to do things. I feel like I have to present myself as masculine as a I could in front of my family. I haven't even shaved my mustache because I feel like it's a reflection of my masculinity. I want to remove it though, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's like I am lock in straight jacket.
I am hardly a guy in any of my other forums, except this one, since I always take the identity of a woman. However, sometimes I do like my genitals right now, well not really like them, but I feel content enough. I think I would feel the same with a vagina though. It would be the last procedure I would do, probably, maybe, if ever.
I am lost of who I am more than anything else now. I do not know what to do with my life... since I feel like I want to live 10 lives into 1 lifetime. So I am standstill.
If I remove all the pressures of this society to conform, and my family's acceptance, and all my fears.... and I had complete control of who I was suppose to be... and I had no perception of male or before I start my life. Then I think I am woman.
I know my mind is female... and if I was reborn into a female body I would be fine. But I am sometimes content with being a male as well, but then I get depress thinking I should had been born a female. It's not a daily strong desire, but it's there. I don't know why, is it that special being a woman?
But it's not the physical desire to be woman, but the psychological factor of being treated like a woman that is what I want the most. That is why I am sometimes content being a guy, and I am okay with my genitals.
It's really difficult to analyse someone else because we are all so different.
For many the feelings do come and go initially, and then quite often they gradually become more frequent and eventually constant as the passage of time increases the divergence between the life that they are leading and the one that they feel that they might have been leading if they were of the opposite sex.
Very few of us have constant feelings from the word go, and of those still fewer do anything about them. I think that is because it is, even today, crossing a great social taboo and one which we become aware of at a surprisingly early age. So it's probably only the arrogant awkward little terrors like me, who grow up without any real care for what others think, that have the, for the want of a better phrase, balls to do it!
As far as genital feelings are concerned again it varies. Not everyone hates their genitals. Even I didn't exactly hate them, I just found them to be a sadness, I would look at them much as a person with a deformity might see themselves, with a feeling of overwhelming sadness, "Oh what a shame that that is there, it so spoils me..." I wanted a vagina because that would be normal for a woman, and as you yourself said in your other thread, I too wanted to be normal and not some kind of half and half gender explorer.
Ok I do have to admit that once I had a vagina and started to use it in physical relationships my feelings about it changed dramatically and these days I would kill anyone who tried to take it away with my bare hands... but that was, I guess, pretty much akin to the way any girls feelings about her genitals change at her sexual awakening. To my surprise, postop I even found myself longing for the ability to bear a child, sadly the one thing which has never been possible, although by fostering I have at least had the experience of nurturing one.
I guess what I am saying is I wouldn't make too many assumptions at age 18 if I were you. You sound to me like a person who could really benefit from a period of therapy of some sort. That might lead to transition, or it might not, but you won't know, and frankly probably should not assume one way or the other until you have at least explored a bit more.
Don't worry, we all have periods of uncertainty about one thing or another in life... I'm sure you will get it figured... and good luck! What I wouldn't give to be 18 again! :)
I'm going to take a little responsibility for that. Welcome to the dark side, kid. It's more of a tunnel, really, OUT of the dark side. Once you get far enough through, it starts to brighten up.
I didn't shave until I was 18. I had an amish as hell beard. Then I shaved it down to goatee. Then I had a mustache. Then I finally got rid of that. And of course I looked better each time. That was me being 'masculine', manly, the way I'm supposed to be.
At the same time, I had hair past my ass. I refused to cut it, or style it, get it trimmed. I didn't use conditioner or comb it either, so... yeaaaaaaah. Very teenage boy. But it was what I wanted. And the more of it I cut off, the better I look and the happier I am with it (years later, now, I've got it as a gorgeous face-framing cut that doesn't reach my shoulders, and has bangs. Less is more.) It was definitely part of my identity, and all my life people told me to cut it. I actually did, back in 4th grade - just hacked it off from harassment.
But it was me reaching out in defiance for something feminine.
I also had freakishly long nails for quite some time. I was on biotin to make my hair healthier, and it made my nails so strong. They were ridiculous. Kinda awesome sometimes, scary others. I'll probably never go back to that at this point, just like I'll never have hair like that - I'd rather keep them short and be able to be more creative with nail polish. As I became more female over all, I had less reason to overcompensate with select features.
Puberty and other discouraging events really do render us low. As I said in the other thread, my voice has been so abused the past several months from my health that I spent a good deal of it feeling very discouraged about transition. I felt ugly, and violated, my presentation wasn't me. But I was about 95% full time. And I still passed.
When you are pre-transition, and especially at your age, discouraging events suppress you pretty hard. You think you can deal with it. Well, as short as life is, even 30 years is a long time to live our hell.
Accepting yourself as you see yourself is one of the first steps. I had a great period where I was non-dysphoric, because I simply accepted that inside I was female, and had no question about it. But, every step you take pulls you forward. Eventually, it wasn't enough.
The thing is that many people (myself included) are too proud. We know what is shameful, what wounds our pride, what causes rejection, what makes people look at someone like a freak, or weird. We know the way we're supposed to act. We follow the rules. It's against our very nature to put ourselves out there and be bathed in the shame.
When I met my therapist, I was on suppressive therapy, but not E. She thought I was already full time with how I presented myself. I told her that it was silly, I didn't want to transition, I couldn't transition, I was too afraid of the health risks of HRT and the surgery. of course, I told her that if I could magically flip a switch and just be a girl, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
There are times that I am alright with my wang, as well. But it still largely feels like a job, a duty, when I penetrate a woman. It has usually been stressful for me; hard to relax. It feels alright, and I am so happy to please a partner, but... it's everything BUT the penis that makes me happy about it. And oral sex is incredibly difficult for me to receive. Even if my mind wants to participate, my body isn't in it.
You have a lot of refection to do. It's not easy, especially when young. At 23, I was the second youngest patient my therapist had ever seen for gender.
I am now 24, living, working, schooling as a woman, waiting to afford name change and official FT status.
I am probably going to get a therapist, but today I decided I want anti androgens before fall time comes around this year. I just want them now, if I cannot do anything besides them, at least I can stop being more masculine then now. I really don't want to be a masculine guy, and I guess I am lucky because I am not very manly guy (besides my mustache which doesn't even grow that well). I am just kind of average... but could pass younger like 16.
I'm 5'7, so I am grateful for my height, because I could had become 5'8-5'9 (based on my genes), and even a couple inches make a difference. At 15, I took pills to grow taller lol, but I do not think they work much *I wanted to be a model*.
I am scared of being an older guy, since I think I could live in my early-mid 20s based on my youthful looks when it comes to being feminine. But after that I just going to be an old man.
But if I am going to do it, then I have to decide by 19 *when I leave my family's home*.
"I am scared of being an older guy, since I think I could live in my early-mid 20s based on my youthful looks when it comes to being feminine. But after that I just going to be an old man. "
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So you want to transition because of looks. That sounds very vain.
Perhaps I should let Megan speak for herself, but that isn't how I read her statement.
We all transition for various reasons - usually very complex reasons. I too would rather be an old woman than an old man, but zeroing in on that grossly oversimplifies why I transitioned.
- Kate
Quote from: lisagurl on April 03, 2010, 01:29:12 PM
"I am scared of being an older guy, since I think I could live in my early-mid 20s based on my youthful looks when it comes to being feminine. But after that I just going to be an old man. "
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So you want to transition because of looks. That sounds very vain.
Of course it isn't.
How many people here have posted, or lived, that when they were in their teens or early 20s, they passed... before their body matured further.
The point of transition is to accept yourself. And a lot of people make strides towards living in the middle to cope, in order to avoid transition - and anything to avoid transition is sacred. But we all must plan longterm. And in the long term, many of the youthful coping mechanisms cease to exist in the late 20s. "Transition before 25 is more successful", remember?
Quote from: lisagurl on April 03, 2010, 01:29:12 PM
"I am scared of being an older guy, since I think I could live in my early-mid 20s based on my youthful looks when it comes to being feminine. But after that I just going to be an old man. "
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So you want to transition because of looks. That sounds very vain.
No, sorry if that sound like that, but I meant I rather be an older woman than an older man in life. I could be somewhat feminine as a younger guy, but after a certain age it just looks wrong or at least in my opinion.
Yet this is all my head, and I do not even act feminine as a guy.
It has nothing to do with looks though, and if that was the only issue then I would try to enhance myself as a guy because I would be more successful at it with having a biological guy body to begin with. It would be cheaper that's for sure.
Quote from: lisagurl on April 03, 2010, 01:29:12 PM
"I am scared of being an older guy, since I think I could live in my early-mid 20s based on my youthful looks when it comes to being feminine. But after that I just going to be an old man. "
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So you want to transition because of looks. That sounds very vain.
To a degree, transition is because of looks. I want to look like a man so it resonates with who I am on the inside.
I'm going to shave my mustache before 4 p.m. tomorrow, someone give me advice on how to just do it.
I know it's just an act of doing it, I have the shaving cream and the razor to remove it. But it would be the first step to being closer to me, even if all guys do it, it's just that I never done it before. And I want to do it before tomorrow night because I want to make a new chapter of my life.
I don't want to think "What am I going to look like? What if my mother thinks it's ugly. blah blah" It's a huge step.
Do I just do it.... lol this now pathetic.
I think it can be hard and confusing, especially when you think about other people (ie, family) and wanting their acceptance.
I know for myself, before I finally transitioned, there were times when I tried growing facial hair. In a way, it was a mask and a way to protect myself. A way to hide myself behind something and give the illusion that I'm "normal." I have some pics of myself where I try to look very guy-ish, yet, my personality didn't match and I was very, very effeminate. People could see that miss-match the moment they met me. The looks didn't fit my personality, my voice, my mannerisms.
It took a lot of inner strength to really go ahead with transition. It was hard, because yes, I did lose family around me. It's still not easy. At the end of the day, however, I'm proud to be the woman I am. I've had SRS and I'm very happy with that (and thankful that I got it, 'cause at the time my provincial health insurance covered SRS, which it no longer does... other wise, it would have been a much longer wait). I haven't had any FFS, but if I had the money I would consider it (a lot of ppl say I don't need it, but, sometimes I think I do).
Part of the reason why it was hard is because I group a pretty rough childhood. I was very effeminate from the get go, I'd get beaten up at school and at home. My grandpa would ensure that I would get a buzz cut 'cause I would often want longer hair. In my late teens, I grew it longer once, but out of great depression and the way I was being treated (got caught wearing make-up, again, and beaten for it) I shaved it off. The buzz cut, for a while, was also a way of hiding and also a way of trying to protect myself.
When I moved away from home, I had planned that I'd run away, somewhere, and transition. There wasn't much info out there at the time, and I had no idea what to do or where to go. Internet wasn't very common back then. Of course, I found myself on the streets and then the Church (Mormon/LDS), in which I went to as a teen 'cause of my grandparents influence, helped me out.
I should note, that when I lived at home I lived with my mom and it was her bf that would usually beat me up. I grew up very poor, in a house full of addicts, etc. My grandpa would come around, and usually take me out for a day and provide some sanctuary. He'd then started sending me to church, and then I made some friends there. Of course, being trans there was out of the question. And, of course, I'd see all of the happy families and people who had stuff, and I wanted that. I wanted to be away from my harsh life. Although, I now understand that in reality ppl should have taken me out of the situation I was in, rather than ignore it and use my situation for leverage in getting me to convert, conform, etc. My brother went along with the mormon dream... he doesn't talk to me anymore.
Anyway, the church helped me find some mormon roommates, paid my rent for a bit, got me food, etc. But, of course, there was still that long-time concern about me being too "feminine" and they saw that I was at a "risk" of becoming gay or transsexual. And, at that time, too, I started questioning more and not going to church 'cause I wasn't living in an abusive situation and I was starting to feel that I could control my life. In other words, I wasn't feeling a need to escape in church.
My grandparents, of course, were upset and so was the church. They pushed me to go onto a Mormon mission. It was difficult. I didn't want to go, but there were expectations and of course the church helped me off the streets so I felt some sort of obligation. I didn't want to disappoint.
The church felt the mission would "man-me-up" and while I was there, I was to undergo ex-gay therpay via the church.
And, that happened. I was sent off, saw by councellers in the church who tried therapy on me to make me not-trans. They also had a private psychologist who perscribed a slew of medications, theorizing that I would no longer have transsexual feelings if I wasn't depressed. Also, I was perscribed several anti-psychotics, in theory, they would get rid of those thoughts. I was taking 32 pills a day. It messed me up good.
I wasn't a good missionary. I rebelled a lot to try to get out. I ran away a few times. I broke rules. I refused to try to convert anyone to the church. I finally rocked enough waves that I got sent home after a year, rather than the standard two year mission.
Still, even after that, I was very messed up. I refused to go to the church, much to the dissapointment of my grandparents. Again, ending up homeless. Then in a youth shelter. Then in a group home. Then in a psych-hospital for a year. I was a mess.
It took me several years after that experience to get better mentally and emotionally. During that time, I went back and forth from going behind the male mask, to not. There was a lot of fear involved. It took a lot of time, and strength to over come it. I think in some ways, I still have it. I still think in some ways, I long to be accepted by those around me. And, yes, even after 4 years, it still hurts that much of my family won't talk to me and have out-right rejected me. I still talk to my mom, who's pretty much the only family member who really talks to me.
Now, things are much better in a lot of ways. In other ways, I still think I'm recovering from my rocky childhood and messed up teens years and early adulthood. But, being who I am, my true self, the woman I am without apology probably has been the biggest help in my life and the road to recovery. My life has changed a lot since back then.
Anyway, I'm telling you a bit of my story not to hi-jack your thread or anything, but just to share with you a bit about myself and a bit about the psychology of masks. I know of a lot of mtf who have gone through periods where they have tried to put that mask on. Facial hair is one of them. Another is picking stereo-typical male jobs, like construction.
I think that most people want to feel accepted in one way or another. I know it can be difficult to make the steps to be yourself and have to deal with the fear of not being accepted, of losing what you have, and going in a direction where you're not sure where you'll end up.
In the end, it's important to be yourself (whomever that may be), 'cause I've found the long-hard way that trying to be someone else for everyone else never makes one happy. In the end, we have to make ourselves happy... But making yourself happy isn't always so easy.
Good luck on whatever path you choose. *hugs*
Quote from: gothique11 on April 04, 2010, 03:36:38 AM
When I moved away from home, I had planned that I'd run away, somewhere, and transition. There wasn't much info out there at the time, and I had no idea what to do or where to go. Internet wasn't very common back then. Of course, I found myself on the streets and then the Church (Mormon/LDS), in which I went to as a teen 'cause of my grandparents influence, helped me out.
I should note, that when I lived at home I lived with my mom and it was her bf that would usually beat me up. I grew up very poor, in a house full of addicts, etc. My grandpa would come around, and usually take me out for a day and provide some sanctuary. He'd then started sending me to church, and then I made some friends there. Of course, being trans there was out of the question. And, of course, I'd see all of the happy families and people who had stuff, and I wanted that. I wanted to be away from my harsh life. Although, I now understand that in reality ppl should have taken me out of the situation I was in, rather than ignore it and use my situation for leverage in getting me to convert, conform, etc. My brother went along with the mormon dream... he doesn't talk to me anymore.
Anyway, the church helped me find some mormon roommates, paid my rent for a bit, got me food, etc. But, of course, there was still that long-time concern about me being too "feminine" and they saw that I was at a "risk" of becoming gay or transsexual. And, at that time, too, I started questioning more and not going to church 'cause I wasn't living in an abusive situation and I was starting to feel that I could control my life. In other words, I wasn't feeling a need to escape in church.
As you already know, I am Mormon, and I'm grateful to read your experiences. For me, I was preparing for my mission when I came out to my bishop. They decided I shouldn't go unless I didn't feel the way I did anymore as they were too afraid that the stresses of my GID + the mission would overwhelm me and lead to being unsuccessful as a missionary. I went to church counseling to try to work out a way to be at peace with it but a solution was never really reached. I decided not to go on my church mission and instead decided to go on my own little self exploration "mission" and transitioned for several years.
Ultimately I de-transitioned, as you know as well, but I have always been grateful to the church leaders for not forcing the mission issue, or telling me I had to be "cured" or anything to be accepted by them. I always feel so terrible for those with experiences with the church that are less accepting but I realize they do happen. I'm very sorry to hear about your brother too - that is no way to be a good Mormon. :(
BTW the stake president who was so helpful to me in making the decision to transition was just made a 70! :D He is so awesome. His kindness made such a big difference in my view of the church at that difficult time. I'm glad to know someone like him is in the highest leadership of the church now.
How to shave it off? if its long then trim it down and hack it off with a razor! Worrying about your mothers thoughts isnt something that should be bothering you. Everything you choose to do should be done because its what you want, and that is what transition is all about. If we listened to other people not many people would have the guts to even start.
I shave practically everywhere now and if anyone were to see my naked legs or anything i wouldnt really care much, I just find body hair, and facial, too vile to live with. (amongst other things) If your body image is different to how you want to look then change it to suit and youll almost definately feel better about yourself, even if its only small steps.