My dad and I have never got along. I still care about him, but it has been difficult to do so. He was abusive when I was a child, and was the primary means that ran my family into financial destitution. He rarely held a steady job so it fell to my mother to be the financial backbone of the family. She always had a hard time saying no to him and thus financial problems defined her life.
As you know she died in Jan of last year. Several months before she died my mother told me that she intended to leave everything to me to then divvy up her life insurance money among myself, my sister, and my father. Unfortunately she died without having ever put this into writing. All of the money went to my dad.
I attempted in his time of grief to help him make some wise financial decisions, getting out of debt, etc. He agreed to follow a plan I laid out for him. I decided as a back up plan to borrow a significant amount from him getting him to agree to it based on the idea he would be gaining interest from his loan. I did it in order to protect him. I knew my father and that the money he received would be gone in about 3-4 years even if he followed my plan, and being a retired, disabled, individual, he would need something to live on. I knew that I could give him a steady income for the next 15 years this way by paying him out over that time so that even if he lost everything, he could still live on what I'd be sending him.
Well it has been a year and not only has he spent every dime, but he also withdrew from his own retirement funds nearly everything. He lived like a kingpin, buying friends, and favors, running around with his "crew", a bunch of people who took advantage of him because he bought them stuff that he was convinced were his close friends. I also found out, unsurprisingly, but still that not only did he not pay off any of his debt, he also took out three mortgages on his homes (he bought a new one with cash on the lake after my mom died), and is now getting cash advances from his bank paying what is effectively 150% interest. He also found a credit card I had loaned to my mother like 6 years ago and charged it up (I don't do credit cards now - I had actually forgot it existed). I have already taken care of that.
None of that was as bad as what I just found out. My mother's mother, my grandmother, loaned my mom money by allowing my mother to open credit cards in my grandmother's name. Those were supposed to be some of the first items to be paid off when the settlement came in. I just discovered that not only were they not paid, but my father told my grandmother that since the cards were in her name and not my mother's it wasn't his problem.
I want to care for him, I want to fix it, but I feel so disgusted. How could I even be related to this man? How could I love him or want his approval in anything? I cannot stand the idea he even exists. I mean he has reasons for the way he is, but it doesn't change the terrible man he is.
I don't know what to do. I'm so stuck. I want to try to help him before he loses everything completely! I want so badly to declare him incompetent (he isn't) so I can take over his financial situation and fix it all. At the same time I want to hate him, write him off, and wish his demise. I blame him for my mother's death, he and her. She was always so stressed out and he was the primary reason, but she never had the strength to leave him.
I plan to pay off my grandmother's cards (if I can) since I am getting a sizable income tax return this year, but I don't know what else I can do.
I hate this. I know others have had worse experiences with their fathers, but I just want some help right now on what to do with him. I don't even know where to begin I'm so conflicted.
EDIT: so many grammatical and funky sentences in this I'm not going to try to fix it. Man my writing goes to pot when I'm stressed.
Ouch!!
You need to know I think you are one very strong person in most aspects. I understand wanting to help your grandmother but I would think twice about aiding your father any more as it just enables him to continue to waste his life. I'm sorry this is causing you such stress and hope you can cut him off materially without cutting him off emotionally. That is a VERY hard thing to do.
I'm sorry if this isn't the advice you needed to hear.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 07, 2010, 12:37:36 AM
Ouch!!
You need to know I think you are one very strong person in most aspects. I understand wanting to help your grandmother but I would think twice about aiding your father any more as it just enables him to continue to waste his life. I'm sorry this is causing you such stress and hope you can cut him off materially without cutting him off emotionally. That is a VERY hard thing to do.
I'm sorry if this isn't the advice you needed to hear.
Having someone listening and responding is very helpful. I feel less alone concerning it all. Thank you.
I'm greatfull to have been able to do that much for you.
Hi Interalia,
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I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your father.
My relationship with mine is somewhat similar. He's always been an egotistical control-freak, and was never very good with money either. I do care about him, and while I help as I can, protecting myself from him has meant avoiding him for much of my life.
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My father has been living 'high off the hog' lately too. Lavish cruises and vacations (2-3 a year), home improvements and projects, etc. All while currently being on light duty, and he will probably have to retire this year due to disability (eyesight and health problems due to diabetes that he denied was an issue for years). With the income vs. expenditures gap I see, the coming decade is going to be very interesting (difficult) for my parents financially. Bankruptcy is probably very near in their future.
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Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. You've tried leading him to water many times now. You can't make him drink though. Even if he's acting like an immature 18 year old, he's an adult, so you can only offer your advice. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to sit back and watch someone you care about fail. But if they're dead-set on running themselves aground, there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If he's not willing to change, you're just allowing him to suck both you and himself dry by helping him financially right now. Protect yourself...protect your grandmother. Cancel the credit cards so he can't run them up again (if you haven't already). It sounds like he has absolutely no respect for anyone else (running up other people's credit cards).
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And when he fails...when he goes through bankruptcy, you won't be surprised. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did what you could, even if he wasn't willing to be helped...but don't allow him to take advantage of you and pull you down with him.
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I understand the sort of love-hate relationship you have with your father. It's how I feel toward mine. I'm honestly not sure how I'll react when the bubble finally bursts. I do hope I can summon the compassion necessary despite what he's done in the past.
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It's definitely a difficult situation for you. The love of family knows few bounds...but it can often be strained beyond imagination. When such bonds are thoroughly exhausted, emotion and logic can be hard to reconcile when dealing with such difficult family members.
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Good luck, and take care of yourself,
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Kay
Interalia and Kay
Both very sad stories. Interalia you are one hell of a person to do as much as you have. I have always admired and respected you, but it has reached a new level. I think, however, that abuse is just that. It can present in many different ways. Either your fathers are abusing themselves or you. Or anyone else they can. They obviously don't care about others. They just expect society to clean up after them. Tough. Let them go. I had a friend in a similar situation. Their father, after his wife died, gambled away all of his assets, even though his was continually warned and warned of the consequences. When he was broke he came to live with them. They refused.
Best decision they ever made.
They did mortgage their home and placed him in an aged care facility so he was safe, but no way would they give in to him.
Hugs and Hope to you both
Cindy
I'm going to have to agree with Cindy and Kay. It's worth putting in the effort to help family if they show any signs of learning, but it's obvious your father is beyond help in this regard. Going by what you've written, he's always had someone to back him up, so he's never had to confront his own failures. If he is ever going to learn, he needs to fall on his face.
You should definitely cancel those credit cards. Let him go on his own (with guidance if he'll accept it... again). Hope he can pull himself up and learn to live within his means. If he does, you can take consolation that you've done the best thing you possibly could for him. If he doesn't... well, I don't know :-\
Personal opinion here. Pay off Grandmother's cards and close them. As far as the father is concerned, do nothing. Let him lose everything and go bankrupt.
He has not learn a lesson, even though you tried. He may be your father, but that does not make you his keeper.
Take care of yourself and your immediate family ( wife and Grandmother ).
How old is your father?