Hi, I really need some help here. I'm a 29 yr old mtf transexual. I guess I'm what they call a non-op primary transexual. I was born male but I have very feminine features. Basically I look like a girl w/ facial hair...All my life I've just tried to ignore my situation and deny what I am. At 13 yrs old I turned to drugs and really, to this day, they're my only coping mechanism. Lately I've come to the point where this is all I think about. Everyday, all day all I think about is how badly I just want to be a girl. In my head I tell myself "I want to go home" which I guess is my way of telling myself either I need to find a way to be myself or I just need to die. I've read a lot about transexuals and I really want to transition but the problem is I'm flat broke. Also, I really don't feel like I'm strong enough to do it even if I had the money. All my life I've been trying to act like a boy. People see right thru it but I cant stop doing it. I just want to be free. I dont know what to do and I'm really close to killing myself. People react very harshly to me. They either make fun of me and/or hate me. I have no friends and my family is basically fed up w/ me. Transition or die is my situation but the problem is I cant transition cuz I dont have the resources. Please someone tell me how to get the strength to keep going cuz I'm really at the end of my rope. I dont know what to do.
Hi Alexis, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
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I would begin with your local GLBT organization. Then find a gender therapist through them.
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Ahh I see it's in Introductions now. All this moving got me confused. :P
Welcome to susan's A1exis. I know it's tough wanting to transition but knowing you can't yet. But the way I think of it is that if you work towards getting yourself into a better situation, perhaps a place with more resources where you can transition, well that's working on transitioning. You're only bringing yourself closer to your goals. Just keep working away at it and you'll get there eventually.
Hi alexis
you know i could totally really really relate to that
what i can tell you now is put it ahead of you and go towards your goal with tiny little steps
like as suggested , go to your local LGBT organization , find a gender therapist
and once you start moving towards your goal no matter how difficult it is you will just see hope :)
i've found that this particular website is of great help , just know your not alone
good luck
A1exis, Welcome to the forums. The first thing you have to do is relax and try not to get upset over what you can't change now. But there is one thing you can do-get therapy and soon. Even if you are not able to begin transition right now you can see a counsellor and start getting more comfortable in your own skin. Until you are able to relax and formulate a plan for moving toward a goal, you can't make any progress as far as maintaining your sanity. Just living for the here and now is far more important than stressing over things in the future or the past. A therapist will help you get there if you can't get there on your own. For me it was a big help just knowing I was not crazy, I was not alone in this, and there are several solutions for the condition. Solutions for us just don't happen overnight-rather they take years to develop and implement. It takes all girls years and years to develop as women and it works that way for us as well.
Hang in there-it does get better.
Randi
Hi, welcome to susans, Im also a mtf transgirl who isnt on hormone therapy, I'd really recommend making friends with local transpeople because having people like yourself around you makes life a whole lot less lonely.
I also strongly suggest you begin living your life as a girl now because the doctors arent going to give you a magic potion - femme is a lifestyle that you have to get into entirely before they even consider giving you medicine.. start doing girl stuff such as caring for your hair and skin, wear girls clothes for casual wear, walk like a girl, talk like a girl, fuss over your weight and stay healthy - these are all things I do, and I can tell you that getting into the female lifestyle as you are right now is a whole world of fun in itself, I feel satisfied with myself and like I'm on the way to completion and I havent even taken a single hormone drug :) And maybe you can too..
welcome to susans hun
jessica
Hi
I know this will not answer all your questions but I think you may find this site helpful. One, no matter how hard I have tried there is no magic potion. Two, it doesn't go away. Three, you are female, but get a GID therapist to help. Four get a gender therapist, you cannot do this on your own legally. Five, cutting them off is extremely painful and leaves the surgeon with nothing to work with.
Six, Hi I'm Cindy. You have met some of the others. You are no longer alone. We do know what it is like, we have our own separate stories but a hell of a lot of similar things have happened to us. Seven, there is hope. Eight, don't contemplate suicide. Nine, there are good treatments for depression, see your local DR.
Oh and you are no longer alone. We understand that you are a totally normal beautiful young woman with some problems.
Hugs
Cindy
Hey, welcome to susan's.
There is no magic way to change your situation. You just have to take it one step at a time. Trust me i've been there before. I may not have been into drugs or antyhing, but I was a cutter and severely suicidal. I found the best way to find a better coping mechanism was to constantly try new things until I found something that worked. Music is my release, listening to it just makes me feel better. Lately i've found that working with horses also does the same for me. It's all about personal prefence. Finally, you need someone you can talk to. Even if you don't want advice or anything. Just someone to vent your thoughts too. I used a blog to vent, but you can always talk to a close friend or find someone on here to send messages too. If you need anyone, you can always send me a message. I'm pretty good about sending stuff back pretty quickly. I'm sure there are many others on here that would do the same.
you are not alone
-James
I did the drug thing for most of my adult life and my childhood too. All because of GID. I have been to the point of suicide, every time I was ready someone would just show up and interupt my plan. Guess I got lucky that way, many of us do not make it past 25.
The condition can be whooped, just takes some outside the box thinking and a willingness to change everything.
It will not be an easy road but the people you will meet along the way will make it worth it. I am finding that to be the best part of coming out; all the wonderful people here and on other trans support groups who have made a point to listen and conect. Sorta like family. Anyways I digress.
Keep your chin up tits out and walk proud. Just because this is a rough journey doesnt mean it has to also be lonely.
/hugz
Cynthia Lee
Alexis!
Many others have already posted some very good advice so I won't try to add too much more. But I do babble sometimes, so forgive me if I repeat too much of what others have said.
This is a journey, not a race. Everything cannot happen at once, so it is all just one step at a time, and sometimes those are just baby steps. But they are steps. One of the steps you have taken is that you have come here, and perhaps to other sites to talk with others like yourself. And this is a start to a more wonderful life. One where your inner demons are quieted and you can see life as something to be enjoyed, not just endured.
You are finding out that you are not alone. And here you are among friends. A lot of friends. We accept you and love you without condition.
You actually are stronger and more courageous than you know! You do have the strength to carry on. And you have the courage to stand up for yourself. You can do this, really!
Everyone of us have felt overwhelmed by the enormity of our goal. That is completely normal. As others here have said, just take it slow. Find your inner strength. Connect with others.
There are a number of ways to cope for now. First off, if you can, find yourself a therapist, preferably one who has gender training and follows the WPATH SOC.
Also, find ways to allow your inner self, your true self to be alive and validated. It may be as simple as wearing underwear that you feel comfortable in, like panties, or wearing a nightie to bed. That got me through many years of depression.
If there are transgender group meetings near you, go to one. Meeting someone in person who had or has the same issues as you can be so uplifting!
There are expenses, certainly, but not all at once, not all up front. Things like electrolysis is paid for on an hourly basis. Wardrobe and jewelry can be bought over time and trust me the resale shops have some wonderful things in them!
Please. Come join us. Pull up a keyboard and put on some tea and tell us about your struggles and your achievements. We're very good listeners. And I think one or two of us may have an opinion or two... We are such an introverted lot... (NOT!)
Feel free to ask any question you might have. We're here to help each other.
-Sandy
hi guys, thank u so much for ur responses and ur support. i know its not a race and transition can take years its just really hard to accept that right now im stuck like i am and i have to find the strength to just take it easy, one step at a time and eventually i'll be what i know in my heart that i am (inside). it's just that for almost 30 years i've tried to pretend to be what i know im not (a guy) because its what i am (if that makes sense...). i just want my body to match my mind, i want to be what i am inside and have it match what i am on the outside. im just tired of being so confused and its like now that i know for sure that im a girl inside i want sooo bad to be that girl on the outside. i know this is an age old story and many people have gone thru what im goin thru now but its diff't cuz this is MY life..u know? ...idk, its just so HARD. every day im like why me??! why did i have to be born like this. why am i going thru this? is it a test? idk...anyway, i really want to thank you guys for ur responses and i wanna let u know how good it feels to have someone out there who can sympathize..btw i found a gender therapist in my area n im goin to see her in a few days so il let u guys know how it goes. i just hope she can give me some hormones cuz i wanna start being myself ASAP. i cant pretend anymore, all i want, all i wish for is for someday to just be myself.
Post Merge: May 03, 2010, 07:56:44 PM
also, to the person who suggested i start doin girl things now to get prepared..thats the whole thing - i want to do girl things, my instinct is to do those things but i feel like i cant because society says i cant. a guy doing girl things is ostricized and im already ostricized enough cuz of the way i look. people know what i am, they can tell just by my face, the way i look, but i try to not act like a girl cuz a guy actin like a girl is just not socially acceptable. i guess i just dont have the strength to be myself in the face of others and thats maybe my downfall but that doesnt change the fact that i just cant do it..im tired of bein made fun of i guess is wat it comes down to..i just want to fit in! sounds weak i know but its what i want..
Good luck sister A1exis :D :D :D