Have you ever wanted to just give up...
On yourself,
On your transition,
On who you are,
On your family,
On your "friends",
On everyone,
On acceptance,
On ppl trying to understand you,
On unconditional love,
On school, work, relationships,
On trying to make things work,
On hope,
On the sunrise,
On life
...?
:/
Its just been one of those months, where everything comes crashing down, &my whole life seems to be falling apart. Im trying to look at the positive, but I can't see it or focus on anything but the negative. I have no one to talk to, no where to turn. No one who cares, no one to be there. Im all alone, but did I do this to myself?... I think I've hit rock bottom, and I hate it. I hate feeling this way, I hate crazy emotions. I just rly wish we didn't have to feel, to hurt so bad... Guess id rather hurt than feel nothing at all though... I just need someone, that someone, &now.
I don't believe, but I go to church. I hope going makes me feel better tomorrow. Or im afraid of how much worse ill start feeling. Im getting sick from all the stress. I just feel so alone, the true feeling of lonliness. If you know how that feels, than you know how much it sucks.
Maybe, by the grace of God, somebody will save me, if not God himself.
Oh but I hope someone would truely care for once. But what is a hope, when its always crushed.
Im not ready to just give up on everything, but I feel like that's all I have left to do.
I felt that way a few months ago. I stopped talking to EVERYONE. I built my relationship with God and now I feel like I'll never be lonely no matter what happens to me. I don't know if everyone who hits such a deep low realizes its a gift. Once you hit the bottom you eventually have the strength to build yourself into who you really are without being emotionally dependent on anyone. In the end (Which may take years) you'll become very independent, gain God given insight, and understand patience. You'll be able to have the strength to form a real relationship with someone without clinging. Cry now, get frustrated but always always always pray for wisdom and insight. God will give it to you.
Good luck : )
Have i ever just wanted to give up? Oh God yes. In fact at the minute every time i read of another one of us who is being prescribed T or has scheduled surgery i just fall deeper and deeper into my pit because i know theres no way thats going to be happening to me for a while. I'm really glad for those that are getting it but.... Then i think of those who are worse off than me who can't transition for whatever reason and it lifts me a bit. Then i realise that the only one i can rely on to pull me out of my mood is me. Yes others can lift me and others can help- even God- but only if i let them- i am the one in control of how i feel and i have to want to look on the bright side. And no matter how down i get unless i'm gonna do the ultimate S then all i'm doing is making myself miserable for f all and eventually i have to sort myself out. Sometimes its a constant battle against the S but before i die i just want to spend some time living as the bloke i should be and thats enough to keep me going
We probably all get that way every so often. I don't know how to help you. It's not really productive so I try to get over it as soon as I can.
@TheOtherSide:
That's exactly what I've been doing. Stopped talking to everyone, well actually everyone stopped talking to me &it has nothing to do with my transition, but the fact that it was them makes it all worse. I told myself, im done chasing after everyone. Being the one always trying to fix things, always trying not to lose ppl. I mean when does anybody ever fight for me, no one ever says 'I don't want to lose you'...and the one person I had left I pushed away. Why, how could I do such a thing to my "best friend". Maybe its because I was "trying to help", or because she's hurt me so much in the past. Idk...
That's the thing too, I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I don't want to need someone to make me happy. But I can never find my own happiness. And once I get a glimpse of it, its always ripped away. And everything falls apart, and its never just ONE thing. Its always one thing after another. As if someone pushed me down, and when I was trying to get back up someone else came along and kicked me back down. Funny how things seem to happen like that, &the worst always seems to happen to me.
You'll be able to have the strength to form a real relationship with someone without clinging.
This is what I want. I don't want to have to depend on ONE person, esp in a relationship.
&Thanks.
Post Merge: April 24, 2010, 02:21:41 PM
@al james:
I know how you feel. When you hear about everyone else coming up in life, &getting their things together. And you're stuck...
There's always going to be someone worse off, I guess.
But its hard to try to use that to make you feel better when you don't know someone personally.
Exactly, I don't want to have to rely on anyone but myself. But man is it hard. Its hard to bring yourself up, esp when you have no ambition.
When you have nothing left, nothing to lose, why even try... ugh..
I try not to think about everything, but it just hits me sometimes. I try to hold it all in, but I can't. You can pretend all you want, that everything is fine. But pretending only gets you so far, &you can't always hide how you rly feel.
I think it's normal for people to feel like this sometimes, not just trans people but everyone. I have had several different times in my life where it seemed like everything that could go wrong went wrong at once. I isolated myself from everyone, stopped going to class, called off work. I didn't want to do anything. Everytime I was aroung people I would argue with them. It does make you feel like giving up! I have been right there with you buddy. Keep your head up and try to stay as positive as possible because eventually things will start falling into place and life will start looking up for you. When it starts going your way you will feel awesome and you will understand why you never gave up! Just try to stay patient because for some reason life loves to throw us curve balls. Stay strong buddy!
my answer to all your questions is "hell yes!"
=\ life get's hard sometimes , but i like to think that the darkest moment of the night is the one right before the sunrise , clashy and used , i know , but it's often true
i wish i could be of more help , but all i can say is i really know what are you talking about
Quote from: ccc on April 24, 2010, 01:50:46 PM
@TheOtherSide:
That's exactly what I've been doing. Stopped talking to everyone, well actually everyone stopped talking to me &it has nothing to do with my transition, but the fact that it was them makes it all worse. I told myself, im done chasing after everyone. Being the one always trying to fix things, always trying not to lose ppl. I mean when does anybody ever fight for me, no one ever says 'I don't want to lose you'...and the one person I had left I pushed away. Why, how could I do such a thing to my "best friend". Maybe its because I was "trying to help", or because she's hurt me so much in the past. Idk...
That's the thing too, I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I don't want to need someone to make me happy. But I can never find my own happiness. And once I get a glimpse of it, its always ripped away. And everything falls apart, and its never just ONE thing. Its always one thing after another. As if someone pushed me down, and when I was trying to get back up someone else came along and kicked me back down. Funny how things seem to happen like that, &the worst always seems to happen to me.
You'll be able to have the strength to form a real relationship with someone without clinging.
This is what I want. I don't want to have to depend on ONE person, esp in a relationship.
&Thanks.
Post Merge: April 24, 2010, 02:21:41 PM
@al james:
I know how you feel. When you hear about everyone else coming up in life, &getting their things together. And you're stuck...
There's always going to be someone worse off, I guess.
But its hard to try to use that to make you feel better when you don't know someone personally.
Exactly, I don't want to have to rely on anyone but myself. But man is it hard. Its hard to bring yourself up, esp when you have no ambition.
When you have nothing left, nothing to lose, why even try... ugh..
I try not to think about everything, but it just hits me sometimes. I try to hold it all in, but I can't. You can pretend all you want, that everything is fine. But pretending only gets you so far, &you can't always hide how you rly feel.
I know most people don't want to hear what I'm about to say because God has been used and manipulated in a way that turns off most of our generation from believing in him but the only way to not cling to other people is to truly 100% each and every day devote yourself to God. Don't listen to priests, preachers, etc. interpretations of the Qur'an/bible/etc. but read them for yourself and base what you read on YOUR life and YOUR feelings. We're not here to live the same way but to live confidently as our soul feels. Jesus was all about the spirit (lol I have absolutely no idea how on the top of many Christians list is the "sin" of homosexuality.... where the hell did Jesus go on a anti-gay rant in the bible?) I was raised Catholic but I never ever understood what the hell that meant until I lost all my relationships last year and completely devoted myself each and every day towards prayer. I studied the virtues/commandments and decided to "repent" (change) by following them. I pray to God every morning to give me the confidence to do his will (which is how the SOUL feels). The soul has nothing to do with the flesh. If you have to change the flesh to feel comfortable then that's God's will. I would've never believed in God had I not gone through the transformation process. I needed Him to get me through it because I had absolutely no one by my side.
I don't mean to preach on here but God is real and I really hope you can find the confidence to be yourself and get through this feeling.
Quote from: TheOtherSide on April 25, 2010, 11:26:16 AM
I know most people don't want to hear what I'm about to say because God has been used and manipulated in a way that turns off most of our generation from believing in him but the only way to not cling to other people is to truly 100% each and every day devote yourself to God. Don't listen to priests, preachers, etc. interpretations of the Qur'an/bible/etc. but read them for yourself and base what you read on YOUR life and YOUR feelings. We're not here to live the same way but to live confidently as our soul feels. Jesus was all about the spirit (lol I have absolutely no idea how on the top of many Christians list is the "sin" of homosexuality.... where the hell did Jesus go on a anti-gay rant in the bible?) I was raised Catholic but I never ever understood what the hell that meant until I lost all my relationships last year and completely devoted myself each and every day towards prayer. I studied the virtues/commandments and decided to "repent" (change) by following them. I pray to God every morning to give me the confidence to do his will (which is how the SOUL feels). The soul has nothing to do with the flesh. If you have to change the flesh to feel comfortable then that's God's will. I would've never believed in God had I not gone through the transformation process. I needed Him to get me through it because I had absolutely no one by my side.
I don't mean to preach on here but God is real and I really hope you can find the confidence to be yourself and get through this feeling.
IAWTC 110%, and I speak from experience here.
I've been where you are. The only things keeping me from the big S was knowing I'd be missed, and knowing I'd never be able to try for what I've always dreamed of. Sure, that's changed throughout my life as I discover different tastes, but what I wanted most was to stop feeling so messed up, to be happy in myself. And you know what? That's now starting to happen, and the guy I get to thank for pulling me out of my black hole is God!
He doesn't work as most expect, but that's a good thing. He allows bad experiences to happen so we can then learn from them. They shape us into stronger, better people. We have ammo later on to help others who fall after we've got back up. Those Christians that look down on folk like us are the ones who haven't read their bibles properly; it says time and time again that we're not to judge each other. "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone" - we're all sinners, so we're in no position to judge anyone else.
God loves *everyone*, warts and all. He wants to be part of your life, show you how much He really loves you, and wants to walk with you through your troubles, but only you can let Him.
The next time you go to church, be expectant and sincere in wanting to meet with Him (if that's what you really want), and you *will* meet with Him.
Good luck; I'll be keeping you in my prayers :)
Quote from: jet3 on April 24, 2010, 08:06:28 PM
I think it's normal for people to feel like this sometimes, not just trans people but everyone. I have had several different times in my life where it seemed like everything that could go wrong went wrong at once. I isolated myself from everyone, stopped going to class, called off work. I didn't want to do anything. Everytime I was aroung people I would argue with them. It does make you feel like giving up! I have been right there with you buddy. Keep your head up and try to stay as positive as possible because eventually things will start falling into place and life will start looking up for you. When it starts going your way you will feel awesome and you will understand why you never gave up! Just try to stay patient because for some reason life loves to throw us curve balls. Stay strong buddy!
Hey man, im trying soo hard. Its so hard to keep your head up &stay positive. &try to think that things will get better. I still can't put myself in that mindset. My life has never been great, that's why I don't have hope. I never try to get my hopes up cuz they just always get crushed. But idk I feel wayyy better, wayyy wayyy better today. &idk why, I think its cuz I went out yesterday, idk. But im smiling true smiles &have a small appetite. Which is a great start cuz I had no hunger at all. I had lost 7 lbs already in 2 and a half weeks.
:/
Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot to me. I feel better, I actually ate today. Well I tried, &I was actually able to eat a little. Im getting sick though, &it was hard to sleep because of the pain(sore throat).
Glad to see you on the way back up. Keep smiling
Quote from: ccc on April 24, 2010, 11:53:01 AMMaybe, by the grace of God, somebody will save me, if not God himself.
Nobody will save you... only yourself. People can help but it's all up to you. Once you realize this you can move forward.
Yes.
hey dude, i'm an atheist so I can't touch on anything like that.
i know, myself, though, that i can get real hung up on my identity. so much that i loose life in the process.
truth is though, life goes on, whoever I am, whoever I know and, really, whatever i do.
im super nihilistic, and i often forget that the world will go on no matter what happens to me.
whenever i get the urge to give up, i know something inside must be askew, because giving up is a meaningless term. what is it really? drowning sorrows in booze? sleepless nights alone? slitting your wrists?
i'm not dismissing your feelings. im just saying what is it really that you're feeling below the surface, under the premise that everything isn't worth trying?
i often want my friends to want me, in the same way you're describing, in some desire to matter or be of consequence. but the truth is, people are friends with other people because they like how they feel with the person. even in love. we are selfish creatures. there's nothing wrong with it. it can be an ugly truth, but also a freeing one. you gotta be the one to give a ->-bleeped-<- about how you're feeling. and the people who care about you will enjoy that.
i have found that my attitude on life is just a combination of reactions to events based on my expectations. if you want those friends in your life, man, just drop them a line. people are simple. they respond to kindness. if they're really you're friends then they will respond to your kindness if you seek them out.
nothing changes if nothing changes. maybe stop investing in hope, and start investing in yourself.
don't over-think it. let it be as simple as it is, rather than emotions coloring it all in intricate values.
just some advice. i hope i don't come off as lecturing, i just i struggle with depression, myself
Every day, at least for one moment.
Jimmymot, are you one of them knights? The knights who say, "Nihilist!"?
jimmymot,
a touch off topic, but even my partner approves of your nihilistic message... :icon_clap:
jimmymot:
Thank you for your kind, insightful, wise words.
Makes me think a little.
I just see it as, why try anymore. Why be who I am &give all that I can when no one appreciates it. Is not any part of me worth keeping that everyone is always so quick to let go. &no one fights to get me back. I feel like its always me doing the work in any type of relationship, but maybe its just me.
I understand why young teens try to have kids. They just want someone to love, someone that'll love them back. Yeah, ur kid isn't always going to love u but its something to keep u going.
I've tried, with friends, family, those special someones... it just seems like I can never find happiness. Not even within myself. My whole life has been the same, ->-bleeped-<-t.
Itd just be nice for once, to have someone actually care &show it. To be someone special to someone that's also special to u. ¬ just in a "in love" sense, maybe just a true friend. To have someone need u.
I tend to always put everyone before me no matter what. Its just who I am. I care too much. &when I try to put myself first, it always looks like im the bad person. I try to be a good friend, I try to always be there for ppl with an open heart &open ears trying not to judge. Idk what it is, something about me I guess.
Im trying to move on &focus on myself... cuz I am left with nothing &no one... But its hard, being alone... Not having anyone physically there for u. I can't explain how I feel, but my heart aches.
And ppl say its their loss, to those that just up &leave...but I don't see it that way...its my loss cuz there's a part of me that wants to try to talk things out with everyone...but why should I if they're not willing to...if im that important to them, then I guess id still be in their lives...but im not, so I should just back off right...
Idk