Greetings and first apologies for this being one of those annoying, extra-long introductions. My excuse is that I've talked about this before just once, briefly, and even then it was somewhat of a catastrophe and now it's all just pouring out so in a damn public library of all places and... wow, I kinda feel emotional typing here, looking like an idiot wearing shades indoors. I'm usually good at going through hard stuff but damn... anyway, here we go:
I'm a... trans... sexual? I've been doing all this reading around the net and so far that's all I've got, I think. I'm a 25yo person in a man's body. Wanted to be a girl since I was about 3-4 years old (a favorite story of my mom's though she has no idea the feeling persisted past toddler-age and into adulthood) and even if I was one, I'd still be attracted to women. I found an odd term somewhere, "guydyke" which, I think, translates to a physically male person being attracted to and/or identifying with bi- and/or lesbian women. I know lesbians and women in general tend to go "oh yeah, right, f*** off, creep" if a guy says they are a lesbian trapped in a man's body but what can I do, that's how I feel, have always felt, even before my teens. I don't feel like a straight man nor have I ever befriended any since the first years of my puberty (and we grew apart within a couple of years anyway). Mostly just hung out with girls/women at school and at work, there was a time when all my friends were girls, 20-30 of them those periods of my life when I was single. I never once stopped envying them, any of my partners, or even my sister, being born a girl, not in my teens, not ever. I still envy her, all of them.
The only person who knows about this jumble that is me (as I see myself) is my wife. So yeah, I'm in a straight relationship and as happy in one, I think, as I'll ever be. Never had any bisexual or gay tendencies as I find men (and, as a consequence myself) repulsive and boring, I mean generally as a sex, no offense, fellow biological-males. My wife was shocked and scared the first (and last) time I let it slip, my true feelings of my identity. After a scary talk she kinda... accepted it, in a denial-sort of way, I suppose, and I haven't brought it up since and don't intend to as I find little profit in doing so.
I've browsed around Susan's a bit now and there seem to be quite a few people going through with the, uh, transition? (sorry, can't remember all the proper terms yet) but I've never felt comfortable with the idea. I mean sure, I want to be a woman, so much I'd just... leave if it weren't for my wife but right now and so far my attitude has been that since I was given this crappy body to live in, I might make the best of its better qualities while I'm still here. Meaning I'm an endorphine junkie, working out most of the days of the week. It's one of the ways I can sort of punish my body for being male, to put it through hell once a day at the gym or in the boxing ring, welcoming whatever injuries I get because, honest to whomever is up there, I hate myself. Well, my body, I hate my body. I hate being in it because it's not me. It's like wearing a mask 24/7 without being able or allowed to take it off and whatever is under the mask is disgusting to those around me.
Right now I'm set on living my life as I am but while I love every second I'm with my wife, when death comes, I know, I hate to sound corny, it will be a relief. I don't know if anyone can say this without appearing cheesy but there was a time when I almost bled to death after a car crash, I remember lying there, bleeding and thinking that this is it, I'm going and I was happy. I'd be out of this miserable body forever and maybe, just maybe be reborn a girl but at the very least, even if just darkness followed, I'd be out of this... thing. Don't say I wasn't glad to meet my family and friends again once the paramedics got me back (turns out you pass out after about 1/2 of blood is lost) but I've always wondered afterwards if I'd be happier in some other body right now if they hadn't.
So, I apologize, for all the drama and for the length of this first post but I doubt I'll be posting that much. I can't really be myself in my life so this post was sorta like... coming up for air after being underwater for a long time. And I have to go back under again and stay there for now. But if anyone read up until here, thank you and all the best. Hope you weren't too bored. I envy you who feel at home in your bodies, whatever they may be. Oh, and those who make theirs such that they like them. It's just not for me but hey, maybe in another life, eh?
Later, gals and guys,
Chris
Hello Chris.
Welcome to the group. Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle, dont worry you can do something about it.
The fact that you have had transgender ideation since 3 is a red flag and the fact that you are 25 and writing that scream for help pretty much says all.
It doesnt get better, the dysphoria gets worse as the years go on. In my 20's I was able to deal with it with booze and drugs. In my 30's it got bad enough I was evil to everyone I could be. At age 41 I had a complete nervous breakdown that only subsided when my wife asked me point blank, "do you need to transition". I said yes and havent looked back at all.
Now I have been in transition for 6 months on HRT for 6 months and feeling better than I ever have in my entire life.
The only reliable fix for this issue is transition. As much as I was loathe to do so. Like you I have a wife and society see's a heterosexual couple when they see us. That is alot of privilage to lose but I cant stay male just for cisgender cissexual priviloage.
Anyways sweetie, best of luck and best wishes in this situation. Remember even if you walk away from this again that there will be suport groups on the web and we will be here to welcome you with open arms.
Hugs
Cynthia Lee
Hi Chris,
Welcome to Susan's
Yes, hello and welcome to Susan's. Feel free to browse around and participate in any of the discussions here, it's a wonderful support network! ;D
And don't worry about the super-long first post, I remember mine. It's basically condensing your life story into as short a space as you can, pretty hard to do!
Hi Chris, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
And yes I said "sister". I have had to wear that mask of being male for 54 years. At that time I could take it no more and began transition. for the last two years, I have been happier than I have ever been.
Seek out a gender therapist and begin looking into yourself.
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Hi Chris and welcome. Wow, you have a lot on your plate. The fact that you have proceeded to live your life is a good start. My wife was shocked when I told her that I was transgender but in time she has accepted it. If you decide to transition I wish you the best.
Gennee
:)