As my surgery date draws closer, I am drawn to reflect on the psychological and philosophical aspects of this process. Many women who have SRS, including myself, decide to do so in order to feel "complete", to be made whole. Maybe it seems paradoxical that removing something would be required for wholeness, but I just think of it as the ultimate expression of "Less Is More". I think both male and female trans people understand this better than anyone. After all, the great sculptures of Michelangelo were not complete until the last grains of marble were chipped away. Completeness is the reason I'm doing this in the first place and the reason is a noble one; It is absolutely and perfectly right for me, and I wouldn't do it for anything less. We only get to do this once, it had better be right.
It's been a long road to get here, but the light shines brightly at the end of the tunnel. I remember those days when, as a child, I would be with my female friends and feel such kinship of spirit, feel so like them, and ache so much on the inside if only to be like them on the outside. No matter what I could do, that always separated me and set me apart from them, and from everyone else. I didn't understand how I could have been so cruelly regarded by God to be cursed in this way, thrown to the bottom of a hole, frightened and alone with no way out. And so throughout my life I fought against myself in so many ways, until circumstances brought me to the realization that the only way I would ever be fulfilled was to heal that lifelong rift in my soul. My early life was quite traumatic and there were so many wounds to heal; it wasn't even about transition at first. But it was the path I had needed to be on all along, which led me inevitably to that moment of clarity one night in the woods, by the whispering creek under the Gracious Moon, when in tears I pledged to Her and myself that I would do whatever it takes to become real once and for all. And so with dedication, determination, and a lot of help from the faeries, I set forth upon this path of transition, this major step in the greater process of knitting broken body and soul together as one. From there, it all came as naturally as the rain falls from the sky, and so here I am.
And day by day my resolve only strengthens. I really don't care who has a problem with it, or what others may think at all. Their disapproval of my very being is of no consequence, and changes nothing. I know that having SRS does not make one female any more than being born with a penis makes one male, nor can surgeries endow us with gender. Anyone who thinks otherwise will be sadly disappointed. The only thing surgeries can do is affirm who we already know ourselves to be, and help to complete this alignment of our bodies and our lives with the gender we already know we are inside. It is not only a great physical step, but a symbolic one as well. SRS will not make me a woman; I'm already a woman, and SRS is simply, yet profoundly, my rite of passage into completeness. It is, in the most significant and irrevocable way, the end of one journey and the beginning of my new life, body and spirit whole at last. This changes everything.
Chloe
Thanks Chloe. That was beautiful! :'(
Very profound, Chloe! Very well put!
Soon, my sister, soon.
-Sandy
Quote from: FairyGirl on May 01, 2010, 05:23:59 PM
This changes everything.
It certainly does. A new door opens to a whole new life. Excellent post, Cloe :)
Chloe,
Your words hit home and gave great inspiration in so many ways
*Bows to the Great, Powerful and Gracious Mermaid Princess Chloe*
Thank you for sharing your words, Chloe. They are very much taken to heart. Your time of completion is coming soon.
I wish you well on this final leg of your journey, Dear Sister.
Mending the disconnect between mind and body is most definitely a profound step. While it may simply be the next logical place to put your foot from where life has taken you thus far, it is also so much more. It does change everything.
I'm so proud of you, Chloe!
***hugs everyone*** (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosgan.de%2Fimages%2Fsmilie%2Fliebe%2Ff050.gif&hash=f06e4e279974c327470aac7dcff14f3ffbbe83cb)
Simply beautiful :'(. My very best to you, Chloe! :)
That is something those people at TS-SI need to learn. You wrote it well.
Thank you Chloe for those beautiful words! Very well said. The surgery does not make me any more of a woman than I am now and always have been, but it heals the wound that I have been faced with for so many years. It resolves once conflict, that between mind and body. It doesn't change everything, it doesn't fix everything, living my life as the woman I am has done much of that. I wish you all the best as your date draws closer.
Kathryn
Thank you Chloe,
My thoughts are with you as you go through this baptism.
(It's also nice to know that since you've become a Sheila you still write good stuff. must be the Oz beer :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:)
Live well my friend
Cindy
Thanks everyone. Kathryn is right, we are women who need healing and surgery provides that healing. I feel that for myself it is necessary to accomplish that completeness I wrote about. Otherwise why would I do it? Now, it goes way beyond my personal mission statement to assess the validity of anyone elses claims of core sex identity. I only mean to emphasize that the act of having surgery in itself will not make a person female if they are not already female on the inside. There are those who think we have these various surgeries to make ourselves into women, but that is not the case. You can never make a woman out of a man. You can only correct the body of someone who is already a woman.
lol Cindy, well I have to admit a fondness for Hahn light :)
You write beautifully, Chloe. Must be the fairy dust (or the Hahn Light :)).
I see the surgery as aligning my body with my soul. I needed the surgery because all my attempts to align my soul to my body failed. After the surgery I feel "right" for the first time in my life. But the struggle made me strong, and I wouldn't change that.
Quote from: FairyGirl on May 01, 2010, 05:23:59 PM
Maybe it seems paradoxical that removing something would be required for wholeness, but I just think of it as the ultimate expression of "Less Is More".
Before the surgery, a friend asked me if it would be a subtraction or an addition. I couldn't understand what she meant at first. I view it is a re-arrangement or reconfiguration – putting all the parts where they should have been to begin with. (There were two notable subtractions, but I always viewed those as alien beings anyway and disavow any ownership.)
It has always seemed a little strange to me that we would need surgery to be fully ourselves, but we do. How wonderful that the surgeons' skills are available to us.
GRS
is a rite of passage – a door from the almost-alive to the fully alive. We pass through many doors in our lives. Often we don't notice them until after we have passed through, but this one is pretty evident. What we do once we become fully alive is up to us.
I bid you safe passage, dear faerie.
- Kate
I wish that door were really available, but alas surgeon skills are a tad lacking.
The Doors of Perception - Aldous Huxley
I once read an impressive essay by a canadia m2f TS. She compared SRS to alchemy whereas here Chloe nicely described it as a rite of passage. Arnold van Gennep has been so much influential in anthropology and ethnology, and even in literature and gender studies. The most impressive and vivid rite to me was that shown in the American TV drama "Roots" in the 1970s.
Can transgener people form a kind of new para-religious group? Transgender people are too diverse to gather in a single umbrella. For a while, we may need to find a way to celebrate it, at least here in Susans.
Barbie~~
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 09, 2010, 07:55:02 PM
Well, that's a bit of a misnomer. There's a bunch of no-ops out there who are fully themselves without surgery :)
As well as a lot of cisgendered people who are fully themselves and don't want a scalpel anywhere near their genitalia. :laugh: But the key word here perhaps is "
us", and both Kate (as evidenced here because she said she needed it) and I are among those who feel it necessary for
us. I would never presume to make claims for everyone. As I said before that is far beyond my purview, and discussions of who is or isn't fully themselves with or without corrective surgery of some sort or another, other than myself, go beyond the scope of this
personal perspective. :)
FairyGirl, that was a beautifully crafted piece. :angel: Thank you.
Nicely spoke FG.
"Adding" or taking away" for me was the removal of an impediment that interfered with my life and my development by placing a rift between me and the way I was perceived. The physical rearrangement simply removed the impediment and allowed me to continue to grow and develop again as the person I was destined to be.
Hi all,
For me it is a rite of passage for me nearing the end of transition I feel that I have already transitioned, working, living, socializing, etc, etc as a woman and so having SRS is really the icing on the cake so to speak of what already is.
Stardust