I usually try not to post stuff like this, I'm just a bit more down than usual today. Sorry.
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I've been feeling a bit discouraged lately.
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The changes from HRT the first two months while extremely subtle, were very encouraging. Happiest and most hopeful I've felt in a long time. The last month or so, I haven't really noticed any changes at all...which doesn't bode well for the future. I know HRT is a long term thing...but it just seems like whatever changes are coming have plateaued or stopped entirely. *shrug* Most of the stories I've heard of what I should expect on HRT physically/emotionally (among my age group) haven't matched the reality at all. I'm used to feeling a bit abnormal around others. I guess it's just disappointing that even among those who are different from the norm, I still end up feeling like a freak that just doesn't seem to fit.
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I started walking 3 miles a day about a month and a half ago, and changed my diet so that I'm not eating the same thing 5-6 times a week. While it is nice to have a bit of variety again, the exercise isn't off-setting things...and I've been gaining a bit of weight this past month (which, of course, is all going to my gut). :(
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The last couple of months, I've been trying to push myself to think about how I'm going to come out to my family. Trying to be proactive and kick myself in the butt a little. At first, I thought it was a good thing...looking ahead...planning...but after a month of that, it just sort of turned into 'worst case scenario theater.' About the only positive thing to come out of it is that I've decided to come out to my dad via letter...mostly because he's the only one where 'worst case scenario' includes the very real possibility of a hospital stay. I don't know....worry, worry, worry-wart I guess. *shrug* I'm just not sure how to talk about the past without either A) shutting my emotions down completely (something I dont' want to have to do again), or B) things getting very messy...which in regards to coming out...doesn't generally look like it will work in my favor for a positive outcome. In the short-term, I've decided to stop thinking about coming out for a bit. Going through worst case scenarios over and over again is just practicing to fail.
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I suppose it doesn't help that I had to see my family today. It's the one thing that is guaranteed to get me down. I don't see them very often. Only when they ask me to come (I do try not to be rude)...which is once every 2-3 months...more frequently during the holidays. Usually it involves a morning filled with dreading going. Followed by a visit where I don't talk much to anyone, and avoid my dad as much as possible. On bad days like today, being around them for more than an hour makes me feel absolutely and utterly alone down to the pit of my stomach. It's funny how 15 people can make you feel more alone than the solitude of your own apartment ever could. It generally takes me a day or two to shake it.
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*sigh* I don't know. I hope for the best, and I do try to stay upbeat....but I'm just feeling down today more than usual. I have this week off for vacation. Nothing planned...but I really need to get out of the house more and try new things. To push myself a bit. This isn't exactly the best way to start off the week.
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Sorry again. Just needed to vent a little I guess. Thanks for your indulgence.
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Kay
Quote from: Kay on May 10, 2010, 12:44:10 AMOn bad days like today, being around them for more than an hour makes me feel absolutely and utterly alone down to the pit of my stomach. It's funny how 15 people can make you feel more alone than the solitude of your own apartment ever could. It generally takes me a day or two to shake it.
aww honey I know exactly how you feel about that. Even talking to my mom on the phone got to be so distressing for me, because like you it took me days to recover afterward, that I had to just stop talking to her for my own sake. She has my number, if she's worried about me she can call. Apparently she isn't. Today being Mother's Day was very hard, but my intuition told me if I called I would just end up feeling worse, so I didn't. Sometimes we have to do what is going to be helpful and healing for us, no matter how much we wish things could be different.
And hormones sometimes work in growth cycles, so don't give up on them just yet. 3 months is not a lot of time and if you just stick with it, you'll notice changes again soon I'm sure.
Best wishes dear, and I hope it all eventually works out with your family. *hugs*
Yeah, I can relate to some degree
I rarely can deal with family members for more than an hour if even at all
I do love them, but they bug me out
If your not ready to come out to them, relax on it awhile until your ready
Feeling alone in a crowd never feels good
Yes, def. get out and do something for yourself and enjoy your week off
{{{HUGS}}}
venting has its uses. My family is one where I am more alone than when I sit in my room all weekend. I can totally sympathize there. I too avoid my father as best I can. I didn't come out to them, the newspaper did it for me and my kids after that. My parents still don't speak of it but they don't often speak to me either.
Basically I am saying you are not the only one and you have every right to feel as you do. The next step is to move on. Step away from it as best you can and do what is right for you. You are very bright and have a life ahead of you, with or without them. I know it would be nice if they were there but, you can succeed if they aren't.
This time will pass and I hope you get out of this low spot soon.
when we see some difference its lovely when we don't its awful...hang in and juts let it happen...change of walking and diet will have messed things up a bit anyway...the hrt will be working in the background.
ps. this may get me thrown out of the room but 'gut' is a male term...women say tummy...lost the malespeak as fast as the hrt works and one day you'll be just another woman around town.
the chief TS activist in my town has very male speak and writing but then when I see him all I see is a fat guy in a dirty raincoat and old fashioned clothes...no makeup, jewellery, handbag..and clothes and body definitely are long overdue for a good scrub...and he sits with legs agape and the skirt he normally wears is only knee length stood up...the whole effect is crossdresser not TS.
You arent noticing much change in your body shape? Hmm.. Have you been given anti-androgens? Because It seems like your hormones arent having any effect, you need to stop your T from converting your estrogen into surplus T, anti-androgens are supposed to disable your T production so that the estrogen can thrive :) If you are on AA, then I guess you could just take a little longer than normal to feminize :3 Everybody is different!
I fear that my body wont change at all when I get onto hrt :( I bet I'll barely fit an A cup!
Sorry you're feeling down, Kay... :( It sucks how family can make us feel so bad when, in a perfect world, they're the ones who are supposed to make us feel the most love and acceptance. Just remember, you've got family here... And we love you!! :)
:super-tight-hugs:
~Jas
Thanks for the encouragement and kind words everyone. I really do appreciate it.
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I'll keep the growth cycles in mind Chloe, thanks. (it's actually been 4 months. The 3rd month was a bit iffy, but you're right...the same principle still applies. I'll just have to be patient and hope for the best.)
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lilac: heh...I'll remember that. Though, at this point, it needs some work if it's going to stop looking like a gut, and start looking like a tummy. ;)
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Ken: The newspaper? Ouch...that sounds rather painful. I'm sorry to hear it. I know you're right. One of my biggest problems has always been that I care too much. Logically, I look at coming out as a way to get some of my family back actually...that I lost most of them a long time ago in any meaningful way. Should I care as much as I do? Probably not. Do I anyway? Yeah. :icon_redface: As painful as it can be though...I don't think I'd change that about myself if I could. Still...that doesn't mean I don't need a good kick (or nudge) in the backside every now and then to keep things in perspective. ;) Thanks.
I have to say you remind me a lot of myself with the way you seem to look at things.
I can relate to being afraid of how your family will react to your coming out. I think you are wise to not take that one on before you feel strong enough. You're going through a lot and I feel very strongly that people should never try to deal with more than they can handle. Don't just ignore the hard stuff, because that can be just as bad, but just put anything that seems too big to deal with right now in a box that you'll get back to when you do feel strong enough. Listen to your intuition, it will tell you "this is too much." Just make sure that you do keep checking things off the list.
Also I know how you feel with going out with your family or friends and the affect that can have. Just before transition going out with friends and exposing myself to all that social feedback would always, within an hour or two, stir up enough dysphoria to put me in tears. I never drove home with dry eyes. Gosh, that was a bad time in my life =/. Oh well...
Some things I have learned along the way-
~Focusing on the negative will keep you low.
~Being with negative people or those that remind you of negative things will have that same affect.
~Taking time to appreciate the things that make you happy works wonders.
~Smiling is magic. Even if you have to fake it at first, a smile will trick your brain into thinking you are happy. For reals.
Basically, surround yourself with good energy. I know that sounds all new-age and stuff lol, but there is actually science behind it, if that helps =P.
Well...despite how it began, it was a pretty good week.
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Not having to go to work and do the 12 hour switch was nice...it was a lot easier to relax and be myself. Rather than tensing up and put on the mask for work, and then trying to relax after...which always leaves me a bit tense all the time. It's probably the most myself I've been in years. I'm not all the way there yet...but it was a lot better.
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I got out quite a bit. Just about everday, which is unheard of for me. Usually it's the other way around. To be honest, I think I'm probably a bit agoraphobic. Being more relaxed than usual, I was able to feel a bit more than I usually do, and I noticed I tend to shake very slightly all over when I'm out and about in stores and such when around other people. It's not something others would notice...more internal than external...but it's damn annoying all the same. I suppose being able to feel it again is progress in itself.
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Let's see...what else? Went out shopping by myself for clothes. Usually I go online, or have gone with others in past. Still, I haven't gotten the courage to go to a women's boutique type store...next thing to work on I guess. I'd like to dress more dressy or business casual...and shopko/target/walmart just aren't cutting it.
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Colored my hair for the first time. Ugh...I'm horrible at it though. Missed a couple of sections that just wouldn't take the die well the 2nd or 3rd time. I'm guessing that the conditioner in the box seals the color in, because everything from the 2nd and 3rd tries that finally made it look consistent throughout the first night have kind of washed out already. Thankfully it's only 28 wash semi-permanent...so in a couple weeks it should be washed out enough to try again. I don't plan on going to a permanent until I can actually get it right. It'll be interesting tomorrow at work. They've never seen me as a redhead. ;D
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Finished TrueSelves, and started reading Transgender Workplace Diversity. The first was good. The second is so dry...I think my eyes are going to bleed at times :P ...but I think it will probably be a good book for my boss/HR when the time comes.
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Been singing a lot more. (Heart 70's/80's band) Really itching for a karaoke night. I'll have to get my voice back first though. With disuse, I've lost a few notes.
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Did a lot of Electro, and finally got the whole face cleared for the first time. :) Sure, it'll grow back, and we'll have to beat it back again as per usual...but it's a nice milestone to finally reach.
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And the last thing was probably the best.
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About a month ago, I came out to my Ex.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,75710.msg517351.html#msg517351 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,75710.msg517351.html#msg517351)
I wasn't really sure about how it would end up at the time. I was kind of on the fence. Even a couple of years after our divorce, her problems were still effecting her quite severely. I expected that I would probably have to cut ties completely if things got that bad again. For her sake as well as my own.
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I hadn't talked to her since I came out to her last month, so I called her up.
Things went pretty well. Had dinner, watched a chick flick, and talked quite a bit. The movie was horrible and utterly predictable (when both of you start making fun of the movie half way through, you know it's a bad movie :P ), but everything else was good. It's the first time in a decade where I thought she was actually capable of being my friend again. I don't think the wariness of the last 10 years has quite worn off completely yet...but it was nice to find that friend again. I honestly thought I'd lost her forever. She hasn't seen me since January, so she noticed a few of the changes...and even a couple that I hadn't noticed. A nice night all around though...makes me a bit more hopeful.
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That's pretty much it though. I think I'll sleep pretty well tonight. :)
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Oh...and while this is a bit off topic... Jen: Wow...awesome new avatar pic. Very striking. Good photography...the eyes just kind of suck you right in. Did you take that yourself?