I'm at a stage in my transition where I feel as though I'm neither here nor there - I feel in between. I plan to go full time in 2011, and will start going out part time within a couple of months.
I have these ever-increasingly intense body image issues, which I never really felt before I starte transitioning. I have been 1 year on HRT. Now I look at myself in the mirror and all I can see is a male with a couple of mildly feminine curves, and softer skin, but still undeniably male. My partner told me the other day that I have now have the body of a slim teenage boy. I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or not. Perhaps I should, considering I used to have the body of a 40 year old cop who's eaten a few dozen too many donuts (no offence to cops, my dad used to be one and I totally respect them).
When I go out wearing my old clothes, which are now baggy, and my baseball cap, nobody casts me a second glance. I'm still called 'mate' and 'man' by checkout staff and store clerks, or what not. There is still no question of my physical maleness after 1 year of hrt. The only difference is fewer people call me sir now, and instead use 'mate' and 'man' more often - probably because I look like much younger.
When I go out with my hair down and wearing my old clothes, I think people tend to look at me, because I look half and half. I was on the escalator at the mall, and the guy in the opposite escalator approaching me whistled as he passed, and I know it's not because he thought I was female. Then I was sitting at the foodcourt, and the guy two tables down just kept staring at me really intently for like 2 or 3 minutes.
Then there are the days where I'll look at my face and take a photo and I'll look like a haggard male, and the next day I'll look reasonably female, or at least as close as I can get without surgery.
Why on earth do I feel a greater sense of incongruity now than I did before starting hormones? It really gets me down sometimes, not seeing the developments I want, although I do have them, and not seeing as many reductions of my male physicality like musculature that I want. I still look so dreadfully male on a day-to-day basis, and when I look at myself naked I just want to scream, because I look the same as I did when I was 14 (I reached puberty early, and haven't grown in height since then), except with small man-boobs, a smaller waist, and a mildly fatter bum, but still clearly male.
Am I expecting too much? I plan to give it another year, and if I'm not satisfied, then I will go via a full facial surgery and body surgery route.
Does anybody else feel a similar way? If so, how do you cope? I've spoken to my therapist about these issues, and she has no answers - she follow a Socratic method, and instead of answering me, she'll ask me a question to force me to think. Unfortunately, I have no good answers except to wait and see what HRT does, and if that fails, then have surgery. But in the meantime, how on earth do I cope with this horrible feeling, like I want to cry all the time whenever I think of how my body looks? It's really frustrating.
is that you in your avatar? ???
Quote from: Nero on May 13, 2010, 09:44:09 PM
is that you in your avatar? ???
Yeah, but it's totally cherry-picked. It's like one out of a hundred.
you look like a young Demi Moore. totally gorgeous! just give yourself some time.
Based on your pic....You're cute and I'm jealous. ;)
Seriously though, I've been in that same spot since February. I just reached my one year mark on HRT this past month, and I still see a man in the mirror to this day. Every now and then though I will catch glimpses of my true self as I pass by a mirror but very rarely. I'm taking things slowly and letting happen as they come along. But sometimes it's hard. Friends and family have told me that they can see the changes that I can't, but they don't have to see the same face everyday.
My therapists (I have 2 separate ones) have both told me that I'm doing just fine. They would be more worried if I hadn't reached this point. Give it some more time. We'll both get out of this lull and continue down the path. Just keep positive, and before you know it this will all be a memory. :)
Im reasonably lucky with how my body was before transition, long hair, a quite fem face and a body thta looks female given the right clothing. I think if it wasnt for my height and voice i could pass some of the time but as it is im a bit of a way off yet. That said i feel better in my part way stage than i did at the start by far, im not even on hormones yet but i can look in a mirror without wanting to cry now so...............
From what ive seen you look pretty feminine, just have patience and practise picking out the good bits when you look at yourself, i think a huge part of a) passing and b) being comfortable in your body, is confidence, which you can build up by being nice to yourself and trying to look on the bright side!
I dunno if that helps lol, just my 2 cents
i agree with el, confidence is key. i'm not sure if setting a date for full time will mean anything. you start when you honestly feel ready. i think if you started now you'd get the hurdle of awkwardness (that we ALL have went through) over with, so that when you DO start to develop and feminize, you'll be confident enough and skilled enough at this role to enjoy it to its full potential. you have a BEAUTIFUL base, work with it girl!
thats what i did. i know i looked like hell, sloppy makeup and no boobs, etc. and people stared. the key is knowing that no matter if you are passable or not, people like to stare at other people. i'm passable now, and people still stare, cuz damn i mean im gorgeous, lol. :P jk but you just have to stop caring what every random person is thinking.
Stop being so hard on yourself hun, you look great in that picture and I'd bet just about anything that if you went out presenting as female that you'd pass no problems.
Quote from: andream on May 13, 2010, 09:47:44 PM
Yeah, but it's totally cherry-picked. It's like one out of a hundred.
I also look like a typical man, but some slight makeup could feminize my appearance with long hair. I am wondering what types of cometics you usually wear.
Barbie~~
I find i look twice as feminine with just foundation than without any makeup at all, then anything i add on top of that i think detracts from that lol
And you'll end up like most girls, wishing you looked like Naiomi Campbell or Demi Moore and instead, looking like you.
As others have said, it's gonna be about you inside.
I have many of these 'in between stage' woes too. I think it is normal. One thing that made a big difference for me is when I became comfortable with the idea that I am always going to be a transwomen, so if people see me and think I am a transwomen, that is ok, because that is what I am. If they seem me and immediately think female...great I'm ok with that too.
I was asking myself if I will ever be able to leave my apartment and not have to find courage to open the door and leave. Everytime I do it, it gets easier, and my presentation is getting better. Finding the right clothes and makeup go along way to making feel comfortable. I go about my business and most people don't notice or don't care.
I really appreciate all of the helpful replies. Just knowing that there are other people who have been through such feelings and have prevailed, and others who are currently going through this very same thing makes me feel less alone. Sometimes I'll think it's the end of the world, but then I'll just wake up the next morning and think I'm being silly and realize that it's all about self-acceptance. I also try to tell myself that there are certain things that can't be changed, and to only focus on those things that can be changed. But then add hormones into the mix, especially with these wildly fluctuating levels from injections, and you have one complete emotional roller-coaster! I'm going on those estradiol pellets soon, thankfully, so I really hope these fluctuations will be a thing of the past!
Thanks to everybdoy who replied :).
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 13, 2010, 10:13:16 PM
It wasn't until I'd been on hormones for a full year that I felt that people were pegging me as female 99% of the time. It wasn't just the hormones either - I had to live and breathe as a woman during that time in order to learn how to present the full package of feminine traits that are necessary for me to pass.
You're absolutely right on. Not only do you have to live, breathe, sleep femininity, you have to believe it. You're fortunate that it did not take you too long to achieve your positition. It took me considerably longer as I had no one around to offer advice of any sort. It really wasn't until I transformed my body through the vigorous workouts and diets did things change for me. Now I find myself in a position where I don't have to hunt around trying to find pieces that cover up or accentuate certain areas. Forthe first time throughout all of this, I can pick and choose--and that feels great.
Andream, you look fantastic and you should believe that. You should tell yourself that each and every time you look into the mirror, each and every time you look at your photos, and each and every time you walk down the street. Because once you start truly believing it, everyone else will soon follow suit--it's called visualization and it works.
aww Andrea you're a sweetheart! I enjoy corresponding with you, it's so nice to meet another girl from Sydney! Next Summer we'll have to go down to Curl Curl - I'm sure you'll be getting all the cute surfer boys' attention. Then I'll say, "see?" ;)
It does get easier, especially once you make the plunge to full time. But give yourself a chance to do that at least! I was convinced at first that even with every surgery known to woman I could never pull it off, but I didn't take into account the magic of letting go of the pretense and how much of it just came naturally after that. I think it will do you a world of good to go full time. It's easy for us to get hung up on our body image issues, being stuck in the wrong one and all. But you're much better than you give yourself credit for, and see how many here agree. ;)
Hi all,
I found the in-between stage the most difficult and one day I would see the male as I looked in the mirror and then the next day I would see the female. It is a roller coaster ride and our HRT plays a large part in that and our emotions. People however see the female, or at least that was my experience even if I didn't see it.
Patience and a whole lot of self confidence is the key.
Hugs
Stardust
Quote from: FairyGirl on May 14, 2010, 09:27:45 PM
aww Andrea you're a sweetheart! I enjoy corresponding with you, it's so nice to meet another girl from Sydney! Next Summer we'll have to go down to Curl Curl - I'm sure you'll be getting all the cute surfer boys' attention. Then I'll say, "see?" ;)
Well I'd love to go to Curl Curl with you although I think I will be staying fully-clothed ::). Surfer boy attention would be nice lol. Well, message me when you have time and we can talk about meeting when you come back to Sydney.
We all get the 'I look like a construction worker in drag' moments. Today I feel great as I only see the woman I am becoming but tomorrow depression could reign. We all have good and bad days but what holds me to my path is that my body is slowly changing and I know that the down days are becoming further and further apart.
I know I will never have film star looks and I may never have the body of a super model but I know there will come a time when the world will only look at me as a woman. It is just getting enough patience to last the road.
Quote from: barbie on May 14, 2010, 06:59:04 AM
I also look like a typical man, but some slight makeup could feminize my appearance with long hair. I am wondering what types of cometics you usually wear.
Barbie~~
I just noticed this post!
Are you kidding me? You think you look like a typical man? That picture in your avatar is totally female, from the head, to the shoulders, down to the hips, and you're not on hrt either I recall! Wow. Ummm I think if I were to take a full-body pic you'd see wide shoulders and smallish hip lol, so I definitely have a more typical male structure than you!
hi andream i feel the same way at times... im passing way more now then i everdid judging by looks and other things im getting but everynow and then i still get clocked the funny thing is i can tell when it happens like i catch a guy in a passing car looking at me and then all of a sudden his head will snap away and he'll accelerate away from me forgetting that im a cop in a cruiser lol. i think ƃuıxǝʌ is right its because your in the in between stage it worked like that for me too. Now if i can just get my emotions under control.
jessica
Okay this is strange I was looking to post the same question. I totally feel the same way about myself and I am so down. The only problem is you have only been on hormones for a year I am going on five. I think by this time I should have had more development. I want to know when I will finally see a woman looking back at me in the mirror because all I see is a man in drag.
Quote from: Holly31 on May 17, 2010, 09:25:40 AM
Okay this is strange I was looking to post the same question. I totally feel the same way about myself and I am so down. The only problem is you have only been on hormones for a year I am going on five. I think by this time I should have had more development. I want to know when I will finally see a woman looking back at me in the mirror because all I see is a man in drag.
Hi Holly,
Its been about three years for me and now I am comfortable in the way I look and accepted by others. I have read, depending on age that it can take anything between 1 year and 7 years. Of course your HRT regime has an affect on this as does your genetic make up.
Stardust
Wow, you guys hit the nail, I am so glad for this post because I my self wanted to share those moments of giving up, then slowly getting the fem groove going again just to look in the mirror next day and see the bloke stare back at me. I guess the fluctuation of perception is due to hormonal changes we face while on HRT but knowing of it does not make it any easier. One day pretty good progress another terrible disaster. I also wonder if all those changes of perception are actually only in our brains and not physical as well. For instance, my morning face feels swollen and much more rounded and it in theory should look much more feminine but no, after about couple of hours I usually see much better female character. Also it is heard to describe but I wonder if someone else had this observation, mainly, when I look now in the mirror at my face I see a lot of female character coming to surface but it is scattered in spots and sort of just beneath the obvious. So the whole face does not appear feminine but just parts of it. I too, get sired all day long without hesitation but, at least for now I am still male full time as usual, and if I tried to pass I would be in trouble with society and get labeled as soon as I poke my gorgeous heels out. Although, at times I get unusually long stares and double takes. First at face than at my lovely breasts( which for now are size of peanuts, well large peanuts :-) than again at my face.
Quote from: andream on May 16, 2010, 09:01:56 PM
I just noticed this post! Are you kidding me? You think you look like a typical man? That picture in your avatar is totally female, from the head, to the shoulders, down to the hips, and you're not on hrt either I recall!
What I can say is that it's totally cherry-picked. It's like one out of a thousand ;D.
Oh. Yeah. Nowadays suddently I become very confident on my passing. Many people close to me say that I look like better than women. I guess the major reason is my hair style change. Recently I got magic straight perm at ca US $50, and I suddenlty get positive comments on my feminine appearance.
Barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on May 20, 2010, 01:30:26 PM
What I can say is that it's totally cherry-picked. It's like one out of a thousand ;D.
Oh you stole my line lol ;)
I too hope for cherry on my avatar but for now allsIgot is a banana. ;D