in public i live in stealth no one knows i aint got the junk but the ppl i know know that i have female parts. I live as a male but ppl at school an my family refer to me as she as if they were to refer to me as male it would hurt my feelings. I told a few friends that i want to be refered to as he and Shaun and they got the Shaun part but not the pronoun. My friend called me Shaun and a guy looked at me like i was a freak and said it was stupid to get a name change. How do I ask ppl to refer to me with male pronouns and Shaun without it seeming rude or too much to ask. I told my aunt and she said she knows me as female and that wont change she also said that i want to be female which is a lie. She really pissed me off when she said i just dont know how to deal with things, I was born female deal with it. Its ppl like that that make coming out harder and they make life not worth living.
Flat out state what you want them to do and then tell them "to live with it".
JHMO
seems like a good idea but i have issues when it comes to being assertive i just kinda take being disrespected i kinda walk away from problems rather then dealing with them but everyone around me that ive asked they say that im asking way to much that it is not possible for them to change 2 words but its possible for me to live in hell everyday to have to will myself to live each day. over the years ive learned to hate everyone and thing and ppl go off and tell me its my fault ppl treat me the way they do. Well its not my fault.
I can understand that. It took a long time for me to learn to say "no" and not be walk on again.
hey brother.
I'm the same as you, I'm pretty passive, because I have a lot of repressed anger and since I've never felt confident as a woman, it has always been very hard for me to speak my mind.
But you know, there is no secret trick for getting people to respect you and your decisions. The truth is that people like us who have difficulty being assertive just have to force ourselves to be firm even though it feels hurtful and unnecessary.
Don't worry about being rude. How rude is it that your aunt is telling you you just can't deal with your life and that your problems are fake. how rude is it that that guy was treating you like a freak? it isnt rude to ask to be called by male pronouns or a male name. if you dont stand up to them, if you dont tell them off for that, why would they think its a real problem? if someone is rude enough to ignore that request than they dont deserve your consideration.
i want to be nice to everyone. but some people dont deserve it, and if you keep trying to prove you deserve their respect through kindness and comprimise, you will find they will only take advantage. love yourself enough to defend your right to happiness and respect. i know its hard, i struggle with it, but you just have to force yourself to do it. it gets easier the more you do it, when you get the results. and you always do when you stand up for yourself
its just so hard to say no i dont want to hurt ppls feelings or make them feel like crap everyone says no to me. i asked my mom to be a mother and be there for me but she said no, sometimes i have those times when i feel really suicidal and when i ask someone just to be there for me the answer is always no. i dont want them to say no so i dont say no, if that makes sense. i just let them trample me thinking that one day theyll say yes and theyll accept me as human not an insensitive freak.
i really do understand. the sad fact is is even though its the familys role to love you unconditionally people are selfish and they dont always do that. my dad is mormon, for example, and that is a challenge fo rme.
but there are people out there who are more enlightened. if you develop the strength now to stand up for yourself then when you are out on your own, with the people you choose, you will like the person you are.
you sound like you are very empathetic. you are not insensitive: you obviously care about peoples feelings. but what about your own feelings? treat people how you want to be treated right? well the opposite is true. a good expression is, "you teach people how to treat you" if you dont make it a big deal when they refuse to accept you, they will think they dont have to.
people will never simply choose to be kind and accepting of you, if they are not the kind of person to do so already. standing up for yourself might piss them off, but if they arent respecting you already when you are kind and giving to them, then theres nothing you can do to change that.
you are not a freak. and no one can confirm that for you. you have to accept yourself first, and let those people who are ignorant know that that is the case. you know?
shaun, that sucks. i've had a good friend be really judgemental about me and it's such a blow. you've just got to work on yr confidence, which is hard when everyone's shooting you down. and don't worry about their feelings, they are hurting your feelings by ignoring your pronouns and THAT is stink. you gotta let them know how important it is and how it hurts you when they don't. if they're gonna be dicks, there's heaps of awesome people out there who won't be.
I understand where you are. My own mother didn't take me seriously on the issue 12 years ago, and it's not an appropriate time for me to come out. My point of view is that I have a goal over the next year: To obtain my nursing license. That's going to be much easier if I present as female. I'm not in a position to be taken seriously if I say, "No, I'm a man, and this needs to be addressed," right now. I have other goals. It could be as long as fifteen months before I come out, or as long as five years. And maybe it will fade in the background for me. I hope it does. I digress...
If you can stand and not waver, and have that level of moral courage, I urge you to do so. It doesn't get any easier. I have done everything from neglect myself horribly to try to prove how good of a woman I was by some very racy behavior to doing everything possible. These raw elements that you feel are you fester into wounds if you leave them untended. I think anyone who waited until they were 25+ to start transitioning will attest to that.
If you can't do that, know that it will wait. If you can't do it today, it's okay. You set definitive goals and you accomplish them on the path to living as the man you were meant to be, and that isn't just about hormones and surgery and guns and cowboy boots. It's easy to live in the closet, but it's very hard to die in the closet.
Expecting the world (including family) to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian. If this is something that you want to pursue for your happiness then you need to be willing to "fight" to protect your happiness. This is something that I learned early (14) by coming out as a lesbian... if someone loves and is worthy of your love they will be willing to to come to a compromise with you. If they instead want you to make all the concessions, then they neither love you nor are worthy of your love. I know this a harsh thing to say, especially about family or long time friends, but their reaction to some how make your feelings inferior to theirs warrants such a reaction. They are the insensitive freaks not you. You have to remember Shaun all truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Eventually people do come around. They just like to put you through hell till they do. And like elvistears said:
Quote from: elvistears on May 14, 2010, 08:58:55 PM
if they're gonna be dicks, there's heaps of awesome people out there who won't be.
well said by the way elvis.