I feel most here think I'm nuts! Oh well. :D You can't blame me for trying to see what is real and what is not. I still don't fully believe I was born this way. Guess what? It is what it is. My project to find reality was successful in my opinion. Just one catch though, either I'm weak and spineless or I was born this way!!!
Hey, I had to take one last stab to make sure that "I" was for real, I am.
I truly did disconnect my mind from myself (Girl) and what I was left with was a whole lot of answers that don't mean ->-bleeped-<- in the real world and how I feel inside. Even when I was disconnected with all these logical answers as to why I am the way I am, In the back of my mind I still feel far more comfortable as me, a girl. I had to try! I had to know before I construct my destiny! I hope no one took my "Getting away from being a transgender" writing wrong. I think we have all faced these battles, I just needed one more to satisfy my curiousity.
It wasn't a total waste though, I've learned a lot. But the FACT remains, I can't create a man that was never really there. When I was "disconnected" from myself, all I felt was emptiness. Now that I'm back, I can easily shed the 50 pounds I gained back and proceed! Am I disappointed in my findings? Nope.
I can't survive trying to be a man in this world! I smoke cigarettes twice the amount, I over eat do to depression, I fight with potential nervous breakdowns off and on, I can't get organized in my eating habits and personal life and over all I may think I'm happy but the reality of it is I'm sad. But when I let my feelings inside flow like paint on an easel all of those things disappear!
When I have no self suppression, I can move mountains! I can lose weight the "right" way and even quit smoking! I can get in order and ever thing in my personal life gets done! GO FIGURE!
A girl once responded here on one of my threads about getting away from being a transgender. She said the path she took brought her to being suicidal anyways, I now know how she feels! There has to be a balance! I'm damn determined to find it! I believe it all starts with, you have to love yourself as a spirit and not your body. I'm not happy with the pieces I was born with, but what can I do? Where do I draw the line? If I go too far to the right (Constantly thinking about being a girl) or too far too the left (Constantly suppressing my womanhood) all hell breaks loose! There has to be a center plain.
I don't want my happiness being conditional! Meaning "I'll be happy when I am transitioned". I want happiness NOW! That means I have to bargain with my mind or as some would call it "Settling". It's not about "Settling"! It's about MONEY!!!!!
I'm doing things that other girls can't afford to do. Yet there's girls that got money to go a whole lot further in their transition. This means I have to find a route as many others do to try and bargain with the mind and find some sort of peace rather than be depressed and piss and moan about things! I'll always "piss and moan" a bit, there has to be a balance somewhere.
I have a unique oppertunity to transition! I may just take it! I got a real nice epilator (F@CKIN OUCH) but it works GREAT! I'm getting my teeth fixed by next month and getting back into "Laser" therapy to remove my beard. I've been through 2 session and liked the results so far. Vagina? One thing at a time, or two! lol Teeth and beard! Losing weight and quitting smoking is ALWAYS free! :D
Hope I'm still accepted here, if not oh well. I fought the good fight. Even though I have a lot of answers, it still doesn't diminish my feelings and CORE feelings as a girl! I can move mountains! The male body I was born in can't even crawl...
I am so pleased to see that you have at last given yourself permission to be happy and a real person, as opposed to a guilt ladened projection.
I know I have been one of those robust in debating your previous posts, but only because I know, even if only from one brief period in my late teens when I did reparative therapy, just how bad it can get when you try to repress something so deep seated as gender identity.
I think you now know the answer to your question which is that you find out where reality lies by exploring. Try it and see what works for you, and most of all try to have fun.
I wish you good luck and every success on your journey of discovery of your truest self.
One of the most useful books on coping with depression that I have read, made the point that you can't progress until you hit rock bottom, and accept that you are depressed. Once you have passed through the furnace, the unimportant things are burned off, and what is left is the pure metal to build a new structure of.
There has to be acceptance of where you are before you can work out possible ways to get to somewhere else. Until then we are trying to find our way across a strange country with the wrong map. It doesn't matter how good your map of London is if you don't know that you are actually in New York.
Hope that makes sense. ???
There is nothing wrong with doing the things you need to do to make sure of your decision. After all, this is kind of a big one :)
Scarborough, I didn't know of the depression you were dealing with, so I am very sorry to hear it. I'm glad you are making the best decision for you after a long and thoughtful process.
I do have a question though. You say "But when I let my feelings inside flow like paint on an easel all of those [bad] things disappear." Why does letting your feelings inside flow = transition? Could you not do that as a male?
I think that is a big... problem we MTF's tend to have. We feel as males we cannot let our feelings flow. Is that really true though or are we putting ourselves in a box, or creating a false dilemma to force something we REALLY wanted to do anyway - transition. Do we have to transition to "let our feelings flow" and obtain the desired "all of those [bad] things disappear"?
I used to feel the same way, but I learned to let myself "out" as a male and I'm far happier now due to it. Not everyone is the same obviously, but I just see this line of reasoning used over and over and can't help but feel I'm seeing myself 10 years ago using the same false dilemma to justify transition.
Regardless of reasons, Scarborough, I wish the best for you.
Hi Scarborough,
Your post makes me both happy and sad at the same time... ::)
Happy.... that you have found some peace from your torment, and feel able to plan for the future again. I have to agree your posts were getting a little difficult to read at times, but you were putting up a very good fight. ;)
...Sad.... that I remain a "guilt ladened projection", and that there is one less off us in the struggle to deal with our GID without transition..... I understand all too well that there are times when it seems that the only thing lonelier in this world than finding out that we are in the transgendered minority..... is that we fall in to an even smaller and seemingly even less "acceptable" group of ....non-transitioners. :-\
Still it would be wrong to suggest that someday I too won't leave this miserable little sub-group...so my best wishes for your future happiness are honest, and given with a hint of envy... :icon_flower:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Christy
and indeed anyone else who is non transitioning
PLEASE don't misconstrue what I said - let me be VERY clear - that phrase about projection was NOT aimed at non transitioning AT ALL!
It was a commentary on the rather painful denials of even the possibility of transition that scarborough was experiencing.
There is nothing wrong with being non transtioning at all. If that is what works... What is sad, is when someone is clearly so unhappy and can't even allow themsleves to explore all the options before making such a decsion.
Anyway i want to aplogise if anyone was offended - because that was not my intent in posting.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 24, 2010, 03:55:09 AM
Christy
and indeed anyone else who is non transitioning
PLEASE don't misconstrue what I said - let me be VERY clear - that phrase about projection was NOT aimed at non transitioning AT ALL!
It was a commentary on the rather painful denials of even the possibility of transition that scarborough was experiencing.
There is nothing wrong with being non transtioning at all. If that is what works... What is sad, is when someone is clearly so unhappy and can't even allow themsleves to explore all the options.
Hi Jenny....
Sorry, I borrowed the phrase as it just seemed to sum up how I felt this Monday morning....maybe I shouldn't have. :icon_bunch:
I'm really happy that Scarborough feels she can move on, as I would not wish anyone to stay in such a miserable place a moment longer than necessary... ;)
However, you say .... "What is sad, is when someone is clearly so unhappy and can't even allow themselves to explore all the options." My perspective on that is that we do explore all the options...several times a day...every day... :-\
....we just cannot bring ourselves to act upon them, until we find a "cocktail" for an outcome we believe we can live with.
...or maybe when we feel this sad about our predicament, we just get a little hypersensitive at times. :icon_flower:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Don't worry Christy, we non-transitioners can hang out together. ;) We can talk about how we deal without transition and what we might have learned about ourselves because of it.
The biggest problem I had was my apprehensions about facing the world.
The first step, as we all know, is to face ourselves. But even if we could surround ourselves with 99% of people accepting who we are, that one person who doesn't can shake our confidence.
Without that self assurance, it is difficult to focus on what we do next.
I know that here, I will never be dismissed as a queer or odd.
I've noticed so many other issues have emerged as I've joined in with discussions here. But I've felt more empowered to stand my ground and less tempted to strike out. The inner voices basically saying, 'who do you think you're kidding. Everyone knows'. These have been a constant fear for so long.
I would really like to get rid of the bits between my legs. Though I don't feel inclined to regularly present as female since I don't, in all honesty, feel I need to. I am who I am.
I apologise for appearing to hijack your thread. I hope my own thoughts might perhaps offer you a perspective on your own situation.
I can understand the work problem. When people, who are known to be gay, arrive, the inevitable comments are, 'Well he better not do it to me', and 'He'll be wanting to do it up my ****'.
As if. I wish these people could just listen to themselves. They seem to think they are attractive to gay men? They are so obscessed with gay men they think of them in sexual terms. I've mentioned this once or twice but the reaction is usually very negative. I'd be safer saying the England team is crap.
Hence, I say nothing. I need to earn a living.
When I started nursing and all the time I did that, I longed to be female. Nurses are so agressive and mean to each other, especially in the last 25 years, with project 2000. The slightest weakness is enough to have many coming at you like a pack of wild dogs. (Which is a pretty good analogy really! :D )
Now, I don't really care about attracting the attention of others, or even what they think. I keep my head down just so I can earn my living.
But it would be such a relief to put my hand down there, in the shower, in bed and not have those bits in the way.
To ScarboroughFair and everyone else here,
In this girl's VVHO, the 'holy grail' of life is peace and happiness within ourselves. There are many paths, but all converge. Your journey may be different from mine. I may never get to the destination, but all is progress toward that goal, whether we see it as such at the time or look back on it later.
Best wishes in your journey.
humbly and respectfully,
jannelle