I'm unsure where to start really, so you may have to excuse this somewhat vague introduction.
Also, I really have no idea on how to ask a wider majority questions on the subject. To be honest, I do have a a lot of questions I would like answering, but they're more personal and intimate ones, but I would highly appreciate some kind of feedback, or opinions regarding the issue from those who have given the time and effort to slog through this inevitable wall of text, ehe.
So, like so many of you who have been kicking about this particular part of the forum, I also find find myself as in a a relationship with someone who considers themselves as transgender. Both me and my boyfriend [by the way, please excuse the more masculine word usage, I'm sure my partner and many of you out there will understand that it's a little easier for me to actually type like this, I mean no offence] have been in a relationship now for a little under a year. A few months back, he sort of came out to me that he would very much like to be a woman. I have no real idea what he expected me to do when he told me. I could have hit the roof and gone ballistic, I could have just said nothing and just left in a rather spineless fashion. I could have just laughed it off, thinking it was a bit of a joke and not really took it on board. In all fairness I kind of surprised myself when I merely looking a little inquisitive, replied with a "Oh really, that's quite unusual..." and took it in my stride. In essence I suppose the response was a little anticlimactic...
Though that's not to say this really hasn't effected me to a degree. I'm always thinking about it in the back of my mind. One area I wanted to find out more about was genitalia and whether he was willing to get rid of it to be more womanly which had me worried; as there is one sexual organ I quite like, and considering I have a bit of a rainbow lifestyle that kind of narrows it down. I do know that he'd quite like breasts, which lead to quite an odd conversation as to trying to figure out what size would look best considering my partner is rather small - a little over five feet - and we sort of agreed that bigger is not always better. Then I sort of sit back and think if I'm actually starting to dictate what kind of woman should become, and not the kind of woman he wants to become. Causing me to get a rather awful sense of guilt when I do voice an opinion towards something. After all, this is what he wants, it's fair to say that if he doesn't like any of my opinions when it comes to bodily structure as a whole he can tell me where to stuff my ideas. So I'm a little conflicted when it comes to that.
Keeping on this kind of theme, I think back now to earlier points in our relationship when I referred to him as "dude" and such. Even now as I write this, I know full well that he would very much like it if I used the word her, but as I've said it's a little easier for me to write like this. Have I - and do I still continue to - hurt him by using such terms? When we talk face to face I try to use something more comfortable and fitting but every so often accidents will happen and I will slip up. Which again, has me gritting my teeth think I dropped a right clanger and have severely dented my partners confidence. As that is the very last thing I want to do.
When I think back, I shouldn't have really put the thought past me. He's always very effeminate and often prides himself on his more effeminate quirks, such as height, hair length, the way he'd move and his attitude towards things. Even the little things; we're both gamers, and when I think back when it comes to picking characters in games and whatnot he'd always adopt a female one instantly and reluctantly choosing a male one. As odd as this may sound, I'm sure this means an awful lot to him deep down, but it kind of saddens me that I'm never going to truly understand myself what it'd feel like. No he seems to be quite confident in openly being a lot more feminine, even when it comes to using female grooming products. He's becoming a lot more confident about this, and of course, if he feels a lot more confident about things then it helps me feel a lot more confident about this as well.
The one solitary thing I am actually scared of would be this confidence - as bad as this statement may sound. What I'm more scared of is losing the original person I love and adore. Sure, the visual appearance by be drastically different, and I've read over and over and over things which have been posted online via open letters and odd bits of text about this kind of thing. But I am awfully scared of him developing a different persona if you will. We've talked about this many times over and I've been reassured at length that this will never happen. But I guess it's my more simple brain that thinks that becoming a different person visually instantly links into becoming another person mentally. I know I shouldn't be scared, but naturally I'm a bit of a worrier anyways.
I really should wrap this up now. The post itself doesn't really have much direction and it's only a very brief [very broad use of the word brief here] of how I feel and as mentioned, this is more the sort of thing I'd like to mull over with him and a nice cup of tea. I'm sure we both need to support each other through this and I doubt it's going to be as easy and happen as casually as I believe it will. Either way, I am very much devoted to my partner and I'm sure no matter whatever skin we feel most comfortable in, I'll still be his in the long run. As despite being together so what may be such a short space of time, it feels like we've been through a lot more and there is no chance in hell I am going to openly abandon him.
As a spouse of a transsexual and a transsexual myself I get a unique view of transition. My wife and I maried 4 years ago after 2 years of courtship. Last year I started transition and a couple months later my wife did to.
From your post I am seeing alot of explaination but very little inquiry.
Only one of your questions really stands out. Yes you will start to harm your spouse and your relationship if you do not make the adjustment to her new name.
From what I have seen and lived through transition is harder on the spouse than the transsexual. Have you sought out a therapist to deal with some of these issues? Most of us are loathe to employ such medical help but in these situations it is prety much needed.
Hi,
As the wife of a transgendered man (woman?) who is considering transition, I can identify with you quite a bit. I, too, am confused about how to appropriately address my spouse, as he is not out to anyone but me. I have begun addressing him by the first initial of his name, as it is the same for his male and female name. This helps a bit, but hasn't fully caught on yet, so...
Like you, one of my worries is not 'what will you look like' but 'who will you be'. I've read account after account of transition, and many describe it as a second puberty, from my recollection, we change A LOT during puberty. From many accounts, people suggest that there is no way to predict the sexual urges one will have after transition. We (claim) to be dedicated to a monogamous relationship post-transition, but how can we know this will be the case? With different hormones flowing through your body and a completely new life, how can one predict what affect that will have on personality?
So many questions with no answers. It's a scary place for a SO to be.
My husband often says to enjoy the here and now rather than worry about the future...what he doesn't understand is that here and now is exciting and free for him while being sad and scary for me.
You seem to have a wonderful attitude about your SO's path and choices, and it seems that you, too, are very dedicated to a future with him.
I hope to see your story unfold here, as I think we need some more activity in the SO section of this forum. Let's help each other :)
wife4ever
I can honestly tell you that I echo a lot of the thoughts that you have brought up in this post. I fear that the HRT does have the ability to change the person in more ways than just physically. Puberty is scary enough the first time you go through it when you have peers who are experiencing many of the same things you are at that time. I can only imagine taking it on twice, and feeling somewhat secluded like many TG people report feeling. The only thing I can say is keep talking with your partner. So far my boyfriend and I have been trying to keep the lines of communication as open as possible.