how do you know that you are a male to female transsexual and not a crossdresser, a transgender or an androgyne? how do you know that you don't make a mistake? how do you know that you really are a female inside a male body? and how do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. i hope these questions don't sound offensive, because i don't mean it offensive. i really want to know how (or maybe why) you are sure that you are a mtf.
I knew early on when girls around me did not have the same anatomy as me and how I hated that thing between my legs. I also longed to bear children which I could not. But my parents raised me as a son and I fought the depression of it all throughout my life and then I found the answers on the internet and sought out both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist and was diagnosed as transsexual. I hate names but I am definitely a woman! I am comfortable as I can be at the moment until this birth defect between my legs is corrected. But we go through hell trying to figure all this confusing stuff out.
I know because I've felt this way my entire life. When feelings of being wrong start at 4 or 5, that's well before a child is really aware of what it means to be one sex or another. And yet I identified with the other gender. Growing up, my friends were mostly female. Not because I was the super cool dude on the play yard, but because I knew how to talk with them and partake in their games. I still can't play football...
I know because even today I am haunted by a feeling of being wrong. A sense of loss for not being able to live as I feel. A feeling of missing out on things that are a normal part of a girls life. When I was in college, I was immensely jealous of my female friends because I wanted to be them.
I almost transitioned when I was in my early 20s. Then I got sick and wanted nothing more than to be "normal." So I got married. Guess what, now the feeling of wrongness is so immense that I frequently don't know what to do with myself. Like seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm just going to implode if I can't make this right.
Your ?'s are not offending at all. ?'s I have had as well. I am 52 and been crossdressing since before I was a teenager. For years I CD'd and because of the gender I was born with, came lots of guilt. I hated me always until recently, meaning over the past year or so. I now like me. The ? I had to ask was do I like me as a male. My answer was no. From the moment I start my foundation/make-up, everything about me is different. I have confidence, and love who I become.
When I start to take my make-up off or remove my nail polish, I become depressed about it. This is the 1st time that I have kept my legs and arms shaved. I love the feeling. Exactly when my full time transition will occur, dont know, but I will. My wonderful wife always knew I cd'd, But now she knows its more. She loves me and is behind me. I know I have expressed alot, but I do hope this helps ya some.
Well, one way is to look at the more clinical definitions about cross dressing and transsexuality.
Some cross dressers CD for eroticism. Others do it as a release from stress or as a hobby. Some, like Ru Paul, for example, do it for a profession. But at their core, these people still retain an inner identity of their birth gender. They do not wish to become female.
Transsexuals generally cross dress because they have an inner identity that is opposite of their birth gender. Generally cross dressing is not an erotic experience for them, but a way to feel normal.
Androgyne's, or gender queers may cross dress or blend elements of both gender as a statement of defiance of societal norms. Or they may truly feel genderless.
What it comes down to is your *internal* feelings. Not how you dress.
Additionally, the journey through transition into the opposite gender is very, very difficult. But many feel that they have no choice, no real choice to remain who they are. In extreme cases it may actually be transition or die.
If you are questioning your gender and have no clear idea of what to do, then please see a therapist. Preferably one who has had training in gender identity issues and is part of WPATH.
Unfortunately, there is no objective test for transsexuality. You are because you say you are. Questioning your motivations is something we all do. And that is healthy. I still do it occasionally.
Through therapy you can, hopefully, find answers to your questions.
-Sandy
Mainly because I have known since childhood. It just is. Its like asking 'why is water wet. '
For me it is easy. When I see my body without the skin tag it looks normal to me. And I have always been call ether a "F**" or "Queer" or just plain been called a girl.
And my natural movements have always been feminine in nature.
It is being comfortable in your own skin. It just feels right. It is not about clothes or make up. It is not about sex. I could be dressed in a boiler suit and welders mask but inside I would be female. I don't percieve myself to be gay. I don't dress for show. I am not attention seeking or camping it up. I am being me and living my life.
There was a drag act in the UK called Lily Savage (retired from the scene a few years ago). Once in an interview she was asked the difference between a drag artiste and a transexual. She replied that a drag act is out there over glamourising the world and being over the top. When the act is over they can't wait to take off the corset and step out of their heels. A ->-bleeped-<- is in it for the kicks, sexual or otherwise. A transexual wants to go down to the supermarket to buy milk.
The point is that being a transexual is not about show. We want to live our lives in our preferred gender role as unobtrusively as possible hence the obsession with passing. We suffer anxiety and depression when we fear not passing or when we are prevented from living our true lives.
First off, Lucaluca, your questions are excellent and not offensive. Some people know and others have to wrestle with the questions before knowing.
I knew I should be girl when I was three or four, but as I grew older and thought I was stuck being male I convinced myself I was a cross-dresser. For a long time I thought I was neither/both, somewhere in the middle or somewhere else. I didn't really know if I was a cross-dresser or genderqueer or androgyne or something else, although the 'something else' seemed more likely since I never really fit into the other categories.
As I came out to others and to myself, became more open about being not really a man, then began living as a woman full time, and as people began seeing me either as a cross-dresser who always presented female or as a woman, I gradually realized that I am really just a woman.
But for me it was a gradual process. I had the help of a good therapist and wonderful friends through the process, which helped me a lot.
As Pippa said, it is about being comfortable in your own skin. I finally feel right. I finally know exactly who and what I am. But it took a lot of work and questioning to get here.
Keep asking your questions, Lucaluca. You'll find the answers that are right for you – and those are the ones you want.
- Kate
It was kind of difficult for me. I was exposed to the female anatomy during my years in prep (Pre-grade 1) and I knew what females had I felt like it was odd that I had something different. Later on though, during puberty I became socially disconnected and could not associate the difference between male and female anatomy (Odd Yeah? It gets worse!) I always had the feeling that I wanted to be a girl, each time I got some female clothing I felt happier about myself, until I had a total psychological relapse. I was confused for 15 years of my life. I felt trapped within myself, like it wasn't my skin that I was in. My body reacted to females, yet my mind was looking at guys, but essentially A-Sexual, until I had another Psychological Relapse and got a girlfriend whom I was with for 5 months. When it came time to engage in sexual intercourse, my mind threw up the biggest most powerful shield (If felt like I was screaming at myself in my own head) naturally, we did not have sexual intercourse and I was looking for an excuse to get out of there and try to think about what just happened. We broke up a week later.
And I had crossdressing habits almost all my life. That is about how I figured out that something needed to be done, and I did countless months of research, then therapy, and now I am transitioning. I have no doubt in my mind that this is what I need to do. My general quality of life has improved substantially since being on hormones, I love myself! I like my reflection in the mirror. Before, I would get upset every time I saw myself in the mirror.
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my future is to be female, it is the only way I can be happy and actually live my life. ^_^
I think the key question is does the clothing matter more or is it what is inside the clothes.
Since a very early age I knew that I was MtF (although obviously when you are a toddler you don't think of it like that.)
But I have never worried that much about my clothes. Sure I have some lovely female clothes now because I am a woman, but to be honest I could be just as happy in a suit and tie, because it isn't the clothes that bother me... it's what lies inside them.
For me it was always about the physical aspects of my body, and indeed once adult sexuality became awakened, about the way that I was going to "connect" sexually to another human being. Clothes I just see as window dressing and I really don't consider them to have an innate gender, so I just wear what I like.
OK this next bit is a gross oversimplification so please those of you who are detail freaks don't pick me up on it! I'm just trying give the OP an idea...
Basically if you are ok with having male bits and a male body inside the clothes then you are unlikely to be MtF but if you are instead ok with the suit and tie, but merely wish that the body inside them was unambiguously female then you are clearly MtF. For me the second case was 100% of where I was.
Despite having all the classic textbook signs, I grew up in the 1950's and 60's and was a pretty extreme case. I thought I WAS a girl and it took 8 years to beat that out of me. Through my teens it was more knowing what I WASN'T (a guy) than what I WAS - except for being some kind of freak. Time spent living in girl mode was easy and fun and time trying to pass as a guy was awkward and miserable but there was no way to know for sure whether or not I WAS a girl until I could live TOTALLY girl - that came at age 24. I was just amazed how easy and natural life was after that. When you spend your whole life in a jail cell, freedom is just a concept, an idea, until you have it - then it becomes reality.
I don't believe you can EVER know for sure until you have lived it but I think understanding what you AREN'T is the strongest indication of what you might be.
I just know. I can't begin to truly explain what that's like, it just is.
I've always known, I've only understood what I've known for the past few years, but I've always known, and evidence as clear as and including outright saying "I'm a girl" litters my life back to about 5-7 years old.
I know because I don't feel comfortable functioning as a male, in any way, shape or form. Because something in the back of my mind has always said it's not supposed to be that way, my entire life.
How do I know I'm doing the right thing? How do I know what I am? I simply 'do'.
I don't really care about the labels, I know what I am with clarity, others can define it however they like, it's all vague semantics anyway. But I do know I can't live as a guy, and I'd sooner be dead than try again.
But don't get me wrong, I did a lot of thinking about my reasons and certainties in the beginning. I spent a good 8 or 9 months solid of my waking life going over it before making the decision. In the end I never reached any conclusion where I could point to something tangible as the defining factor of my existence. What I instead reached was the understanding that I'd kill myself if I didn't transition then and later regretted it, and if it was the wrong thing for me despite everything I felt, doing it was the only way I was ever going to come to realize that.
So I went forward, and I can now say with 100% certainty that my feelings were correct. I don't know why, but for some reason I just can't be a guy, a lot of people have asked me what 'feeling' like the opposite gender is like. I don't know what they think my motivations are, but I just have to live with the fact they'll never truly understand, and that that's not their fault. I certainly can't explain it. It's a part of the human perception that can't be properly conveyed in words.
Sure I could say that it's that "I don't feel like I have the right anatomy", but that would be massively understating it. I sort of see it as there being 3 major gendered aspects of the human experience, social, sexual (not orientation) and physical. And for me, all 3 I perceive as being female orientated.
I could say that some doctor said they believed I was... but I honestly don't care what anyone who ISN'T me thinks I am, because I know they can't know what I know, because they're not me. They will always be missing something huge in understanding my experience of living, that's just the way it is.
I feel like my entire life has been leading up to transition, all it needed was a spark to set off my realization that transition was actually possible. I didn't know it was until just before I turned 20, everything that's happened since then has lead to where I am now. I wanted to be a girl when I was 10, I have internet accounts registered as female from when I was 13, I always knew, it was just a matter of time till I transitioned. I'm just glad I never spent much of my life living as a 'male', I didn't have a lot of the classic male experiences, and I'm glad that I never will. I'm sure some people would ask how could I know I don't want to be male if I never experienced it properly? Again, the only answer I have is 'I just do'.
So yeah, that's my explanation. Everything about this whole situation, the answer for me is 3 words.
I just do.
I hate being transgendered, I doubt a time will come where I don't hate it, I doubt a time will come where I don't still feel the pain of what I missed out on. I don't think of what I am as a 'gift', to me it's a 'curse'. But in-spite of that, I don't envy those of us who don't have the benefit of being as sure and absolute in their feelings. My 'choice' was a relatively easy one. I had almost nothing to loose from giving up my 'male' life, because my inability to lead said life had lead to me having very little invested in it. And for that I'm grateful.
Quote from: Northern Jane on May 25, 2010, 05:56:05 AM
I don't believe you can EVER know for sure until you have lived it but I think understanding what you AREN'T is the strongest indication of what you might be.
I wanted to emphasize this. I always knew I was male but not a man. I didn't know what I was, but I certainly knew I wasn't a man.
When I began living full-time, I told my daughter that I thought I would be happier pretending to be a woman than I had been pretending to be a man. As it turned out, I donn't have to pretend to be a woman - I just am. But I didn't know that when I started - I only knew I was miserable trying to be a man.
- Kate
Quote from: Ashley4214 on May 25, 2010, 07:52:01 AMI honestly don't care what anyone who ISN'T me thinks I am, because I know they can't know what I know, because they're not me.
this is classic. :)
When I saw the topic question "How to be sure that you are mtf?" the first response that came to mind was "because I had male parts". My parents told me over and over I was a boy, but I hoped against hope that it was a mistake, and I felt that someone somewhere had gotten it terribly wrong. I thought that maybe there was still a chance that the damn thing would break off while I took my nap, until the horrible realization finally sunk in that I was trapped this way.
I know a lot of us try very hard to accept this seemingly inevitable curse and fight that feeling for years, but it's just something that can never go away because it is innate.
Those are good questions and I like questions =]. I pretty much came into the world asking why lol.
Anyway, for me it's looking in the mirror every day and hating the guy face staring back and feeling like it's not a real representation of what I truly feel on the inside. I've always related to girls more and I just don't "get" guys a lot of times.
Never stop asking questions, no question is stupid :).
Quote from: lucaluca on May 25, 2010, 11:51:55 AM
thanks for all the answers.
another short question. i read that hormones work better if you are young. what's about 22? how do hormones work at this age?
It depends on your genetics I was 22 when I started. They work good enough by the end of this week I will be 4 months in I've got small boobs my muscles have thinned down alot and my face looks pretty different.
Edit And I knew I was MTF because screaming at myself that I wasn't for years just wasn't a convincing lie any-more.
It's like vexing said, if you don't have clarity in this simply try things and see if anything helps. Thinking only takes you so far and your thoughts can be very deceptive. Bias always takes the driver's seat, logic is just there for the ride. Also, the capacity of the human brain for denial and memory suppression is unbelievable.
If you put on female clothes and that fixes everything, then you may be a crossdresser. If not, keep trying things till you do feel better.
Quote from: pebbles on May 25, 2010, 12:02:56 PM
They work good enough by the end of this week I will be 4 months in I've got small boobs my muscles have thinned down alot and my face looks pretty different.
Wow you look waaay different Pebbles!
Quote from: lucaluca on May 25, 2010, 11:51:55 AM
thanks for all the answers.
another short question. i read that hormones work better if you are young. what's about 22? how do hormones work at this age?
22 is young. The differences of how well it works are pretty far from almost nothing to miraculous. At your age you chances of being closer to miraculous are greater.
I cringe when I read the old notion about eroticism. There are many reasons that it's problematic. Certainly some people fit the classical models, but many others transitioning years ago simply claimed to in order to get access to treatment at a time when it was highly restricted.
There may or may not be sharp lines. I tend to think there aren't, except the ones painted by society and by researchers. The truth is it doesn't matter: all that matters is your particular experience. That may or may not be similar to anybody else's. You may read many accounts of people's experiences in order to develop some sense of what is possible. But your experience will be different.
As many others have said: you need to find out for yourself, by doing, not thinking.
The HRT works at any age,i was 52 when i started and am now 62 and a complete woman and loving life to the max.I was 7-8 when i realized i was in the wrong body,i liked to do the girl stuff not the boy stuff,but where i came from if you said anything about that they would have put you away in the nut ward.So i took the male hormones and shut up till 45 years and a tour in the Marine Corp and a trip to Vietnam(blown up 3 times and shipped home on a medevac flight) and 4 kids later it got too much and i decided to transition(O happy days now)I now know that my inside matches the outside and i am wearing all those pretty clothes that i have always dreamed about!!! When i go to the Marine Corp ball each year i wear a ball gown(go to different ones each year)those purple hearts and other medals laying on my boobs knocks there socks off(i need to post some photos of the expressions)
a:) Seems that everyone's journey is and always be a little different from each other. Some less so and some more depending on your version of the tale. Personally, I had the a fairly normal laundry list:
- Feeling of being 'wrong' somehow and not ever really being able to know why.
- Friends - Mostly girls for whole life.
- Acted in very girl-ish ways even, at one poine, when there were no girls around my life (BD classroom had only boys from 3-5th grades, I freaking curtsied for a week one time till someone called me on it!)
- Always saw myself happy as a woman secretly
- Rarely identified with the male characters in fiction
- etc, etc, etc...
There are a thousand ways this stuff presents itself. Knowing the difference seems really a matter of just 'knowing' it at some point. Personally, the point where I get go and finally admitted it to myself was the most freeing and painful experience of my life. There are truly some embarrassing things about this to face at times and reading accounts of others helps LOADS. Julia Serano is a goooood place to start as she'll talk about things that even I'm not willing to go into.
b:) HRT is working very VERY well for me @ 30 with injections. Eight weeks now and I can already pass sans makeup. At 22, you've got nada to worry about!
Just do your internet research chika, I was able to pretty much read everything ever written on this in under six weeks. Most don't need to go *quite* that far.
I've know since I was 5 or 6. My mind has always known who I am, I don't need to look between my legs or on some card or anything else.
It was just this simple for me. The living is hard though.
all this advice completely makes nonsense of BeeLZeeBub - Blanchard Lawrence Zucker and Bailey who all parrot that we are either effeminate homosexuals or liars and that we only 'dress up' to attract guys for sex or for masturbation.
My guess is that If you hate your pe*nis, then you are m2f transsexual. Otherwise, you are m2f transgender.
Too simple?
Barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on June 27, 2010, 10:30:34 AM
My guess is that If you hate your pe*nis, then you are m2f transsexual. Otherwise, you are m2f transgender.
Too simple?
Barbie~~
I hated my whole body, well except my eyes and hair, lol, but yeah I guess if you hate your pe*nis, then you are transsexual or you could be pe*nis dysphoric, lol.
Stardust
Quote from: barbie on June 27, 2010, 10:30:34 AM
My guess is that If you hate your pe*nis, then you are m2f transsexual. Otherwise, you are m2f transgender.
Too simple?
Barbie~~
I don't agree with that.
I know plenty of M2F Transsexuals who LOVE their penis lol. I also know a F2M who loves his hairy vagina LOL sorry :-\. They all take hormones and identify as ''transsexuals'', they just have no desire to be 'Post-Op'
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on May 24, 2010, 04:23:35 PM
Firstly, I don't really see any great difference between 'transsexual' and 'transgender'.
So how did I figure out that I'm not a cross dresser or an androgyne person?
By living as a woman; by trying it on for size.
I'm going to have to say that this is where it's gone with me. Once upon a time, I was so afraid to go out in public it was killing me inside, because I was one person to the world, but another in my home.
One day it snapped in my mind, that I would just try to live as a woman for awhile and see how things went. See if it's something I felt I could do for the rest of my life. Ever since then I've lived as a woman everywhere except for work. (I still don't have the confidence that I'll be able to keep my career and lifestyle as a woman, but I'm getting there ... I think if I were to ever switch jobs, that hurdle will go away.)
I find that now, I feel so ... normal ... when I'm able to be me that I don't think I could ever really leave as a male again.
Good questions here and I think most people will ask themselves these types of questions pretty much throughout their life when they try to make sense of things. Who am I? Why am I this way? Am I normal? What can I do to be happy? Etc. For us I think it's a little more complicated because in order to be happy we basically have to change everything about our ourselves at the risk of losing everything and everyone. The stakes are pretty high. Lucaluca, it's so, so important to carefully consider and double-check that you are absolutely sure that the path you choose is the right one for YOU.
Ok, so with that said, I don't agree with nor do I support any comments that say "if you do x than you must be transsexual." I mean yeah, there are some similarities in experience and common paths but it is pretty much self-diagnosed, it's not like there are accurate tests or conclusive research or anything. If you identify as female but you plan on keeping your genitals by choice that doesn't make you transsexual? Hmmm, that doesn't sound right. What does that make them then? Transgender? Cross-dresser? Something we don't put a label on? I would say non-op TS if I had to throw a label around but if they identify as transsexual, the label is theirs, right?
How do you know that you are a male to female transsexual and not a crossdresser, a transgender or an androgyne? Well, I did crossdress a little bit growing up and I went out a few times when I was like 30 or 31. The problem for me with crossdressing was I felt like an f'ing clown. I felt like I was mimicing something, I looked hideous and generally repulsed myself. I don't think it has anything to do with internalized transphobia, more like I wasn't delusional and knew what I looked like. I believe ts is a subset of tg so if you identify as ts than you are also tg according to conventional wisdom, right? I'm definitely not androgyne, I identify pretty much on one side of the gender binary and it isn't the male side.
How do you know that you don't make a mistake? GREAT QUESTION!!!! This is one I think everyone should ponder. Not just that but WHY?? Why do you have to transition? What do you get out of it? Why not stay where you are and maybe be miserable but not lose everything or risk losing everything? The answer can only be obtained by YOU Lucaluca. YOU are the one that has to ponder that and get answers. Keep journals, blog, vlog, diary, talk to people here or in real life if you are close to someone you can talk to. You have support at least here if you need, keep that in mind. I think vexing said "you have to try it on" and I think that's a good point too. Transition is done a million different ways by people, just ponder stuff and come up with answers and remember that you are on a journey of discovery. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or throw you in a box!
For me, I really pondered what I was doing before I transitioned. I really focused on my past and all of my feelings leading up to now. I spent time talking to friends, talking to family, making sure I wasn't rewriting my own history to make a nice, comfy past to explain my transition (I think that's common sometimes). The underlying feeling for me was just something clicking. I had accomplished so much in my life but I did it knowing since I was 5 that I was a girl. I don't feel like I was "a woman trapped in a man's body," that's a little too dramatic for me. I believe that somehow, some unexplainable way, I felt like inside I was a girl. I thought I WAS a girl. I didn't want to BE a girl, I was! It's insane, I know. I hate verbalizing it to people outside of the community because it sounds dumb. There is no explanation for it but you know what Luca? It's what I felt and it was real.
It was always there sitting with me like a close friend. It was there to remind me that I wasn't being truthful with people. It was there when I got married, there when I got promotions and there when I was doing really bad. It...was...always...there. Feeling like I was a girl inside. That, to me, was what made me feel like I had to transition. I felt hideous in girl clothes, like I was bad actor, even worse than the job I was doing at being a dude. I'd see myself and be like "who do you think you are? Why do you look like this?"
But like I think Jenny said, I was the same exact person whether I wore girl clothes or boy clothes. It was and is in my head. It wasn't something that was split into two. There was no boy me or girl me. I never felt like getting away dressed was "being the real me." I was the real me all the time, in my head. I was totally ok with wearing guy clothes. It never bothered me at all. The problem was that people were seeing me as a guy. It went against who I was as a person. I didn't have a part of me that ever really identified with being a guy. It was foreign. I don't know why. I had a penis. I looked like a guy. Why didn't I feel like one? I have no clue. I spent a lot of time really wishing that I'd wake up and be a guy like my friends and like the same things. I didn't like growing up feeling like a freak at all. I didn't spend all of my time wishing I was a girl, I already felt like one. It's weird though because most MTF TS I know felt like they wanted to be girls. I don't know many that actually WANTED to be guys. I don't know why I felt like that. I did have moments where I did feel like "why am I NOT a girl?," definitely, but I also spent time wanting to be a normal guy.
How do you know that you really are a female inside a male body? I don't? I mean "I just am!" No, wait. "I have proof! My doctor did a test and it was like a pregnancy test and it turns GREEN instead of pink or blue is you are trans. Mine turned green and here I am!" Lol, j/k with you. Honestly, I can't explain it Luca. I can try to, like others have done, but it probably will sound crazy, lol. It goes back far. It's an internal feeling I've had. It's a brain thing somehow. I did not grow up female, I have never had XX chromosomes and never will. I am not here to make a bunch of reasons for you, just to tell you that I can't really adequately explain why it is I feel like this.
I think this is super important for people to keep in mind when they are transitioning and coming out. I had very, very people who just had to know WHY I was like this, why I needed to do it, why it was required. I sat down with each person, explained my thoughts in detail, admitted I didn't have all the answers, and I just reassured them that this is not 1) a new feeling, been here since I was very young 2) something I've thought long and hard about 3) open to questions and thoughts from others and 4) looking forward to living an honest life and one where my relationships with people, especially friends and family, will be 100% honest and pure. If you approach people like that they will be a little less on guard than if you said "look, this is how it is call, call me Sally and don't ask questions!"
How do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. Also a great question! I think there a many different reasons for motivation. Is there a wrong one? Actually, I think the one that would be wrong is if you committed a crime and were changing your identity to hide, lol. My motivation to transition was this. I got a point in my life where I had accomplished everything I set out to do. I had a great job, a great wife, a nice house and all the material things you could ever hope for. I had more money than I knew what to do with. But I wasn't happy. I had good times, definitely. I smiled. I look back with fond memories, I really do. But I was hollow inside. There was a silent heavy sadness in me. When I came out people said "I always knew there was something about you, something different, but I didn't know what it was. It was like there was just something in you, something heavy, but I didn't know what it was." I didn't act girly. I didn't look like a girl. Etc. But carrying around the weight of this gender stuff is not easy to hide. For me it just manifested itself in other ways. I focused all of my adult energy on achieving success in every way. When I had accomplished that by 36 I was like "um, ok, what's going on? why do I still feel like this? why is it still here?"
There's a great saying that I associate with why people transition and the timing of their transition, regardless of the reason. I believe it wholeheartedly. I also believe it's why some people never transition. You can't underestimate the risk that people face when they transition. People talk about loss of love like it's nothing but really, think about it. You could very well end up alone for the rest of your life. That's a terrifying thought for some people. Losing a job, spouse, kids, community, EVERYTHING and then, on top of that, facing the potential discrimination and violence, it's a lot to consider. But I also believe there are non-transitioning, non-out, non-HRT-taking transpeople all over the place. Ok, here's the quote, it's conveniently tattooed on this girl's side:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi184.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fx153%2Fmeghanandrews%2F0621092011a.jpg&hash=3b7b761fa14e4be097c7a2f6b8b162d1e42c573f)
Should you transition Luca? Totally your call. Are you in so much pain that you can't bear the thought of not transitioning? Does it just make sense to do it to you when you evaluate your life? Has it been a driving force in your life for a long time? Have you talked to a professional about it? Have you really thought through all of the possibilities of what can happen if you do? Have you asked really tough questions of yourself? I know one that people sometimes really get stuck on is "will I transition if I am not passable? what percentage of the population would have to see me as female to make transition 'worth it?'" It might sound dumb but think about it. If you have always seen yourself as female and you transition and go from being seen as male and not being threatened with violence or losing everything to being seen as a (sorry for the term) "man in a dress" would you still do it? What would have to happen, how would you prepare for that not to happen as much as possible? Do you even care about those things or is it more important to be who you are and just forget about what other people say (like many people here and in the community say)? These are questions to ponder and about 1,341,875 more :) Good luck in your journey no matter what it brings you. Just focus on being you, being honest with yourself and others and living a full life :) The rest will come, Meghan
Oh, about the genitals, I have the genitals I was born with. I used to think SRS was sooooo important, I couldn't get it done soon enough (this was prior to transition). I have never "hated" my genitals, never tried to chop them off, probably was never caused any psychological trauma because of them, I don't know. My genitals are such a small, small part of my life and always have been. They haven't been a pleasure point for me. I don't use them for anything other than peeing and didn't make a practice of touching it for other reasons. But it is a part of me and my body and has been there for 41 years. It doesn't fit now and I will get SRS to fix that, but it just isn't my focus. Excelling in my career, getting into nursing school, getting ready for this party tonight, those are my concerns today. Whether or not I have a penis is pretty inconsequential on a daily basis for me.
Oh, about the genitals, I have the genitals I was born with. I used to think SRS was sooooo important, I couldn't get it done soon enough (this was prior to transition). I have never "hated" my genitals, never tried to chop them off, probably was never caused any psychological trauma because of them, I don't know. My genitals are such a small, small part of my life and always have been. They haven't been a pleasure point for me. I don't use them for anything other than peeing and didn't make a practice of touching it for other reasons. But it is a part of me and my body and has been there for 41 years. It doesn't fit now and I will get SRS to fix that, but it just isn't my focus. Excelling in my career, getting into nursing school, getting ready for this party tonight, those are my concerns today. Whether or not I have a penis is pretty inconsequential on a daily basis for me.
[/quote]
I'm sorry I was being a little flippant before. I agree that even though I hated my body, my transition was not planned, it just sort of happened when I got to the point of not wanting to live any more. So through great emotion and loss I have transitioned, with a good job, new friends and a new area in which to live, life has been good to me since and I am the happiest I have ever been. GRS in a couple of weeks is only icing on the cake so to speak.
Should someone who has gender confusion transition? That is up to a lot of factors in the persons life and has to be their call.
Stardust
Meghan, I must say, your post was wonderful to read. You express yourself so clearly and with such consideration, I couldn't help but respond to your post and thank you.
It's so easy to simply post a quick and easy response, but your post reminded me that this is a very complex process and there's much thought that goes into it.
At the risk of sounding like a "Me Too" type of person, I have to say that as I read your post, I couldn't help but realize that I wasn't alone in the world. We have a lot of commonality and you've helped me gain some perspective in an area I've been thinking a lot about, lately.
From the deepest part of my heart, thank you.
Quote from: MeghanAndrews on June 27, 2010, 02:29:22 PMI didn't spend all of my time wishing I was a girl, I already felt like one. It's weird though because most MTF TS I know felt like they wanted to be girls. I don't know many that actually WANTED to be guys. I don't know why I felt like that. I did have moments where I did feel like "why am I NOT a girl?," definitely, but I also spent time wanting to be a normal guy.
Thanks for this Meghan. I was the same.
Quote from: MeghanAndrews on June 27, 2010, 02:29:22 PM
How do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. Also a great question! I think there a many different reasons for motivation. Is there a wrong one? Actually, I think the one that would be wrong is if you committed a crime and were changing your identity to hide, lol. My motivation to transition was this. I got a point in my life where I had accomplished everything I set out to do. I had a great job, a great wife, a nice house and all the material things you could ever hope for. I had more money than I knew what to do with. But I wasn't happy. I had good times, definitely. I smiled. I look back with fond memories, I really do. But I was hollow inside. There was a silent heavy sadness in me. When I came out people said "I always knew there was something about you, something different, but I didn't know what it was. It was like there was just something in you, something heavy, but I didn't know what it was." I didn't act girly. I didn't look like a girl. Etc. But carrying around the weight of this gender stuff is not easy to hide. For me it just manifested itself in other ways. I focused all of my adult energy on achieving success in every way. When I had accomplished that by 36 I was like "um, ok, what's going on? why do I still feel like this? why is it still here?"
This describes my experience almost perfectly in all but the details.
That's exactly the reason it took my so long (until age 30) to transition. I tend to be a very cautious person, and there was so much else I could blame my unhappiness on, and transition just seemed like an extreme response if I wasn't sure. Well, I never became sure -- at least not by my very high standard of what it "sure" means -- but when I was 29, I suddenly found myself on top of the world in terms of career, social life, recreation, etc., and I was still deeply unhappy, and it became clear why.
Two years later, I feel I know for the first time in my life, or at least since I was very small, what happiness really is. It's something I haven't felt since I was perhaps three or four, and I had pretty much forgotten. But it's something that is so obvious in how I respond to music or awkward social situation or the impending darkness at dusk or the sight of a beautiful woman or countless other things. The sting is simply absent. And it's obvious to everyone I meet in how they respond to me, a much more vibrant and outgoing and positive person to be around that I ever was, someone who draws others in to her light, rather than repelling them with darkness.
That's how I know. Not because I can provide any etiology or philosophical proof that I'm "really" a woman, whatever that even means, but by the simple fact of my life, which is all that matters.
Damn Alyssa that describes me to a t.
About happiness, I never realized how unhappy I'd been throughout my life until I finally experienced sustained happiness after transition. After that everything in the past had a context. No way anybody will convince me to go back to feeling that way again.
Oh also, thank you for your thoughtful post Meghan. I loved it. :)
Meghan's post was about ten thousand times better than what I was going to reply. It also covered absolutely everything I wanted to say and then some. So, you know, fist-bump or something for Meghan.
Also, I'm totally in that camp Alyssa called out as well. I tried to be happy through being successful in my birth sex. And only in transition did I discover/remember what actual happiness felt like.
Quote from: MsGiselle on June 27, 2010, 11:45:25 AM
I don't agree with that.
I know plenty of M2F Transsexuals who LOVE their penis lol. I also know a F2M who loves his hairy vagina LOL sorry :-\. They all take hormones and identify as ''transsexuals'', they just have no desire to be 'Post-Op'
I refuse to beleive they are transsexual...they may be trans something but as girls don't have penises and they have no plans to lose theire then by definition they ain't transsexual.
Some awesome posts,
Just as a statement I don't think there is a difference between the terms transsexual or transgender. I realise there is a difference between sex and gender but I think TS and TG have been so inter-used that the public would have problems separating them. And I'm being very kind to the public :laugh:.
I think that many TG people cross dress at an early age, and may even get sexual arousal from it, particularly MtF, because of fantasy image. I also think that TG people grow out of the 'fantasy sexual imagery' part of life. I no longer cross dress. I'm a normal healthy woman who likes to look nice. I look nice for me. I look nice to fit in with society. I like being accepted as a woman. I try and I think most woman :laugh: try not to dress in a 'tarty' fashion. I think some cross dressers would love to wear the 'French maid' outfits and really enjoy it. I do not know many TGs who would, OK yes at home get your boy friend steaming so he won't be watching the football match :laugh: :laugh:. But that's rare. Yes, you see young woman go through those stages, school girls whose skirt hems change from the breakfast table to the front door, it's part of growing up.
I feel nice when I'm nicely dressed. I feel really relaxed wearing a nice gorgeous outfit going out to dinner. I want my makeup to make me look great. I want men to desire me.
But I don't want to masturbate about it. But I think many CDs would want to. And that's OK as well, but it's not my scene and I doubt it is any woman's scene.
JMO
Cindy
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 02:13:30 AM
Sorry, but women are quite capable of having penises and plenty of cis women desire to have or use a penis without having the desire to be a man.
We are not defined by our genitalia.
I am no less or more woman due to lack of or ownership of a penis or vagina.
Your views are archaic and, well, offensive.
Besides, I dare anyone to look at my penis and tell me it doesn't look feminine. It doesn't look like any male penis I've ever seen.
Respect the girl penis!
::)
I am gonna have to side with Vexing on this one.
I am in a relationship, married and sex and all. I feel my most female when I take a hit for the team and use the man bits to pleasure my mate. It took me a very long time to come to terms with that.
Trans-sexuality in retrospect cannot be defined or labeled into one scene but can be generally overdosed with many different situations...Some may seem unorthodox and some may even seem typical but every story has it's beginning, midst and end -- What you do with that story is up to you to define and no one else can do that for you because in the end your story can become a fairytale or end up as an grotesque nightmare.
Quote from: Sandy on May 24, 2010, 05:01:26 PM
Transsexuals generally cross dress because they have an inner identity that is opposite of their birth gender. Generally cross dressing is not an erotic experience for them, but a way to feel normal.
Oops ... I don't fit into any of the baskets (again). Not criticizing your post, Sandy, but I want to mention a couple of things.
First, the clinical understanding of transgender psychology is still at a fairly early stage, in my opinion. There's a lot that the professional community still doesn't know, and misunderstandings still crop up. So while these guidelines are useful, they're not absolute.
Second, if we were to draw a histogram of people's transgender feelings in various areas, we would surely find some humps in the diagrams, not an even spread, but there would always be people whose feelings were sloshing around in the valleys between the humps.
In my case, I identify as female AND it's an erotic experience.
*** Jenna ***
so I took a poll on my other forum and among the LGBT people I go to conferences with.
I asked do women have penises. Big NO!
I asked the women would they like a penis? Big NO!
I asked why would a person claim to be transexual but still keep and use a penis. He isn't TS!
It doesn't really matter unless the medics get a hold of the idea that there is no real need for sex chnage and ban the whole penis cutting business.
Quote from: lilacwoman on June 28, 2010, 01:13:53 PM
so I took a poll on my other forum and among the LGBT people I go to conferences with.
I asked do women have penises. Big NO!
I asked the women would they like a penis? Big NO!
I asked why would a person claim to be transexual but still keep and use a penis. He isn't TS!
That's not very interesting information, I'm afraid. For starters, these people don't know me, so nothing that they might think can possibly apply to me. Also, you seem to be implying that "TS" is a category with sharp boundaries. It's not. Sorry -- the real world is just plain messy. You may as well get used to it.
*** Jenna ***
Desperately trying to ignore...
I've generally agreed with most of the topic, and ƃuıxǝʌ in particular lately. Splitting fine hairs over "transgender" and "transsexual" is not going to help anyone's personal decision. I'm not even sure that my personal definition of "transsexual", as someone who's undergoing or has undergone physical change towards their inner gender, matches yours. Certainly not Lilacwoman's.. strict rulings.
I believe absolutely in my own take on the topic. I have to because it lends me certainty. One could say that I'm twisting medical procedures and ideas about transition to fit my needs, and I would agree. It helps me sleep at night, knowing that I can be a woman but that I don't need anyone else to define womanhood for me.
I identified as transgendered because I didn't know if I was a cross-dresser, genderqueer, genderfluid, gender confused, or just weird. Once I started my journey toward presenting female to the world, it became evident to me that I am transsexual. To me, the words are different – transgender being much broader and more inclusive than transsexual – but that's just my interpretation and may not be yours.
Could I have lived with my penis? Yes. Could I have been happy? Yes, I was wonderfully happy living as a woman pre-op. Am I happier with a vagina? You bet your sweet bippy.
*Kate puts on her moderator hat* :police:
Just a note of warning here: Susan's Place does not recognize a hierarchy of transsexualism or ->-bleeped-<-. Rule 10: Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason. This includes but is not limited to:
- Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term
- Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more legitimate, deserving, or more real than any others
[/ :police: ] *Kate removes her moderator hat*
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on June 28, 2010, 04:10:39 PM
To me, the words are different – transgender being much broader and more inclusive than transsexual – but that's just my interpretation and may not be yours.
I have to agree with kate, primarily the word Transgender is an umbrella word encompassing
ALL whereas Transsexual is specific to those who undergo gender reassignment surgery and fully transition. This is not to knock those who are pre op or to put on a pedestal those who are post op. I have been pre op and will soon be post op. What we have to understand is the variance within those who are transgender. These are the definitions and people make what they like of them but the words are used technically as above.
At the end of the day its not worth our breaths fighting over semantics we have bigger battles to fight and win.
Stardust
Our current medical/surgical abilities are not yet up to scratch - there is no way to give yourself a functional vagina.
Therefore, any judgement of gender based on who wants / does not want to remove their penis is not a certainty. Rather, it just shows who would be happy having the current surgery available or who would rather have an actual vagina. I am sure there are a lot of would-be-transsexuals who are merely waiting for a better surgery. I myself am interested in where stem cell research will take us.
All the same, personally I believe gender is not a clear cut thing. I happen to find small penises cute and attractive, and sometimes girly (call me weird if you will) - however my balls grotesque me and I definately should have breasts. I know I am female but I would not be devastated if the only thing I had to keep was my penis. I hate the idea of sticking it inside people, and hate ejaculation, and would rather have female orgasms -- therefore hormones would be perfect for me -- but again everybody is different and it all boils down to personal views and whatnot.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but hey.
What I am trying to say is you can still be transgender without going the whole nine yards.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 05:15:03 PM
Again, where does this leave the trans guys?
In the same place for those undergoing gender reassignment surgery as mtf. Although more complicated than mtf, ftm's do undergo various surgeries to allow themselves to be as fully men as current surgery can. Christine Jorgensen had just her penis removed and had no vaginal cavity made because that was the current state of surgery for a sex change at the time. That did not make her any less a woman. I do find it odd that we use semantics to cause arguments instead of helping one another to be comfortable with who they are. If someone wants to call themselves transsexual who is pre op then fine. Its no concern of mine, however when we slate one another that is my concern. As in any kind of debate there will always be two, three, four of more opinions. At the end of the day that's all they are opinions. What really matters here is the person. If the person has reached a place of happiness and can live with themselves as they are better than they were, then that's what really counts.
However for me I had to have reassignment surgery. I don't call myself trans anything I call myself a woman and people recognise and see that. For me that was my goal.
Stardust
Quote from: My Name Is Ellie on June 28, 2010, 05:28:53 PM
Our current medical/surgical abilities are not yet up to scratch - there is no way to give yourself a functional vagina.
I'm not sure what you mean, Ellie. My vagina is fully functional. It is not connected to a cervix, uterus, and ovaries, but the vagina itself is functional. When I showed it to a GG friend, she said: "It looks real." I said that it is real. It wasn't factory-installed, but it's real. So I'm not sure of your meaning. ???
- Kate
Without meaning to sound offensive, there is no way to recreate the full female reproductive system. Sorry, bad wording from my part.
Quote from: lilacwoman on June 28, 2010, 01:24:12 AM
I refuse to beleive they are transsexual...they may be trans something but as girls don't have penises and they have no plans to lose theire then by definition they ain't transsexual.
This is an argument of semantics about words for which there has been no consensus about their meaning, so it is utter silliness in my opinion. Might as well let people label themselves in whatever way they feel fits, because these labels are meaninless anyway.
Like after SRS I won't want anything to do with the word transsexual because once I've crossed the divide, the prefix trans doesn't fit anymore. Just call me "woman" thank you. In fact, just call me woman now :).
Take the label argument out and you have an assertion that those that need surgery have a different condition than those that don't, and I think that is a legitimate debate you could have, that is if you want to read a lot of bitching and see people's feelings get hurt. I just don't see how that is constructive either, especially because in the end this stuff only matters in some contexts and then it's even more incendiary because consequences are attached.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 05:49:51 PM
As I said before, the only person who gets decide how they identify is the individual in question.
Not you or I.
If you read my post that's what I said,
Stardust
Quote from: Jen on June 28, 2010, 05:59:01 PM
This is an argument of semantics about words for which there has been no consensus about their meaning, so it is utter silliness in my opinion. Might as well let people label themselves in whatever way they feel fits, because these labels are meaninless anyway.
Like after SRS I won't want anything to do with the word transsexual because once I've crossed the divide, the prefix trans doesn't fit anymore. Just call me "woman" thank you. In fact, just call me woman now :).
Take the label argument out and you have an assertion that those that need surgery have a different condition than those that don't, and I think that is a legitimate debate you could have, that is if you want to read a lot of bitching and see people's feelings get hurt. I just don't see how that is constructive either, especially because in the end this stuff only matters in some contexts and then it's even more incendiary because consequences are attached.
That's what I said and I agree, I think some people read into things more than has been written.
Stardust
Well if we are all saying the same thing in a different way then I'm going to say adjure.
Stardust
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 06:04:46 PM
Which would be like claiming that choosing to have chemo over surgery means that you can't call yourself a cancer patient.
I see both sides of the argument and since there isn't a way to prove either side, it isn't very meaningful and, until there is more info, there will be no end to it. It's the trans version of the abortion debate.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 06:09:52 PM
I think you mean adieu?
No I meant adjure, "to make an earnest appeal to somebody."
Stardust
The problem here is people wanting their cake and eating it too, and no I'm not referring to what you think.
I'm referring to how some people here want diversity, want inclusion, but still want it by simply throwing themselves into categories they don't belong in to make it more inclusive.
You can be whatever you want to be, whatever that is, but either accept that there are terms with a specific meaning, or don't use them.
Wanting to use them but change them just makes things really really confusing. ::)
Ok so.... a woman can have and want a penis, and presumably vice versa, a woman also presumably can look then in general however they want and still be a woman.
In other words you've reduced the gender terms into being "I'm whatever I say I am". And once you get to being that degree of vague. Why not just not use any terms at all and label yourself with "I am me".
Quote from: My Name Is Ellie on June 28, 2010, 05:46:50 PM
Without meaning to sound offensive, there is no way to recreate the full female reproductive system. Sorry, bad wording from my part.
No there isn't, but they can get a LOT closer than doing nothing at all.
To be honest, these terminology arguments seem really REALLY stupid to me.
TERMINOLOGY IS NOT DEFINED BY YOU FOR EVERYONE, IT IS DEFINED BY YOU FOR YOU, AND BY EVERYONE AS A WHOLE, FOR SOCIETY AS A WHOLE.
That's it, the end, that's how terminology works.
Arguing stuff like "no it doesn't mean that it means what I say it means" is so intangible and pointless, why do it?
It's about as intangible and pointless as the vague meanings many here want virtually every gender related term to be.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 28, 2010, 06:43:44 PM
What do you adjure?
To you, I appeal to you to not keep getting at me, you don't know me and I don't want to know you. (final adjure). Sorry, perhaps I was being a little obtuse.
Stardust
This was the original post on this thread:
Quote from: lucaluca on May 24, 2010, 11:17:37 AM
how do you know that you are a male to female transsexual and not a crossdresser, a transgender or an androgyne? how do you know that you don't make a mistake? how do you know that you really are a female inside a male body? and how do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. i hope these questions don't sound offensive, because i don't mean it offensive. i really want to know how (or maybe why) you are sure that you are a mtf.
I feel these are legitimate questions. If you would like to address lucaluca's questions, let's carry on the discussion. Otherwise this thread has run its course and will be ended.
- Kate
Quote from: Jen on June 28, 2010, 05:59:01 PM
This is an argument of semantics about words for which there has been no consensus about their meaning, so it is utter silliness in my opinion. Might as well let people label themselves in whatever way they feel fits, because these labels are meaningless anyway.
Indeed.
What I've said from the start is that the question really doesn't matter -- and yet it seems to matter so much to so many of us. The whole point of semantic arguments often is about reassuring oneself that one belongs. In the case of someone who is struggling with the decision to transition, the stakes seem really high. Maybe they really are, but even they are, you can never answer the OP's question with any certainty, except by transitioning and seeing how it works.
I detect a mean streak of classism in the whole surgery debate. What about those who can't afford it, and who never will be able to? Are they somehow less legitimate because they choose to live their lives? I should hope not. I should hope people would understand that different circumstances can influence what one values, and celebrate those who can't get surgery but live vibrant lives as women nonetheless.
The bottom line is this: unless I'm having sex with you, what's between my legs is none of your damned business. Don't you dare judge me based on that, and don't you dare ask. I'll be damned if I'm going to let another trans woman tell me who I am. I've gotten enough of that from the rest of society. You should know better.
Notice I haven't said anything about my desire for surgery, my self-identification, what particular kinds of dysphoria I might experience, etc. That's intentional. As I said -- it's none of your business, especially if you plan to use my answers to decide whether I'm a legitimate woman.
Kate -- I truly appreciate your actions as moderator (here and in general). I think that the argument is quite closely related to the OP's question, for the reasons I mentioned. So I'm not sure that the OP's question can be addressed without this kind of inflammatory argument. Whether that means the thread should be closed is your business, not mine.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstars.astro.illinois.edu%2Farc%2Fspectrum.jpg&hash=5ed91890d053d6969ee9e3650115558fd52e2402)
So, where does red stop and orange begin?
The spectrum analogy is very apt. The colors blend smoothly into each other. There are infinite shades and hues between crimson and scarlet, for goodness sakes. The only dividing lines are the ones we make artificially. But then, nobody's going to argue that purple is the same color as yellow.
It's this fuzziness between obvious differentiations that invites the arguments, in my opinion. Humans like to categorize and put things in their proper buckets. The undefinable and the shades of grey that exist in our world drive most people completely mad.
I suppose another way is that we all try in some way to live our lives in a meaningful, productive and contented state. If you gender is an issue that prevents that from happening to you, then maybe you have a gender problem. BTW I'm using the royal you :laugh:.
If you get pleasure from an act such as 'dressing up' but are otherwise content and happy, maybe you do not have a gender problem. I never think there is any reason to feel 'upset or disgusted' by wanting to dress up in female attire to feel good; it doesn't make you odd. Lots of male gender people seem to enjoy it. Good on them. It doesn't make them TG, just guys who get fun out of a particular fantasy. I can think of nothing wrong with that.
I certainly get pleasure out of dressing nicely, being seen and accepted as female but it is not a 'sexual' pleasure. It is an acceptance pleasure. I think another way of distinguishing feelings is how do you feel when you look at a really cute woman or guy.
Please I'm going to leave homosexuality out of the discussion here.
If you see an attractive well dressed woman and think Lord she's cute must try that look. Or talking with a friend and suddenly :laugh: discuss a mutual friend as being a really good looking sexy lady, you may have a female gender. It appears very common for female to appreciate female appearance in a none sexual way.
If you see the same woman and get sexual urges etc etc. You may be having male gender reactions.
There are a series of adverts in Australia at the moment being run by Jim Beam at bottle shops. They show very attractive young women with few clothes on. Yes stuff that should have been in the bin 35 years ago :laugh:. I look at them and think, wish my breasts looked like that. Cute bikini. I think I'll try that eye makeup. I don't think male gender people have the same thoughts.
Cindy
JMO
Cindy
Well, I think the OP is asking about whether or not to attempt transition. The simple answer is that everybody is different, and no one can tell you for sure. Even doctors who treat for GID and write letters for surgery say they don't really know until after the surgery has taken place and they find out whether the patient adjusts well to the final result.
But if you are considering transition, odds are you have some things that you need to explore. Following the standards of care is wise in most cases, and it helps to have some financial and social resources in place before starting. Electrolysis and anti androgens might be a good first step, then hormone therapy followed by living in the new gender. If you have doubts about genital surgery, then I suggest you try some sort of cosmetic surgery to the face or chest first. I don't know anyone who has had that kind of surgery, then gone ahead and gotten genital surgery, and regretted the genital surgery.
As far as starting at age 22, that's when I started. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to start my life. Hormones aren't magic. They don't change adult bone structure or voice, and everyone's response is different. I think a young start helps some, especially with a more rapid change. But I've seen people who transitioned in their 40s and who put me to shame as far as passability. If you are in a vulnerable place right now because your family won't help and you don't have financial independence, it would be better to wait than to put your life in danger by attempting transition in what could rapidly become a homelessness situation.
Regarding the linguistic disagreements over whether a non-op person is or is not "a transexual," back in the day when I was going through transition, being a transexual was considered a phase. It meant "actively in the process of transitioning." Once the person stopped transitioning, they were simply a man or a woman or a hermaphrodite or an androgyne or what have you, at least in a legal or medical sense. It wasn't an identity like it seems to be now for some people. And for those who stop transitioning part way, and who might be hermaphrodite in a legal or medical sense, the only way to know for sure whether they are male or female is to ask them. The MTF non-op person who says she is female is no less female than the MTF post-op person who says she is female, and no more female than the legally/medically male non-transitioner who says she's a female. True gender is self-expressed. The legally imposed and medically recognised statuses do not define who or what we are.
Like everyone else, I have my own hangups and pet peeves about the way that the language is used. I hate to see the word "transgender" used as a noun instead of an adjective, and the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association Associated Press Stylebook Supplement on LGBT Terminology supports that it is an adjective, and not a noun. So I flinch every time I see someone called "a transgender" instead of "a transgender person." I similarly don't like to see anyone called "a black" or "a gay." I like to get the word "person" in there whenever possible. And when it comes to the word "transexual," that's still just a medical diagnosis to me, and I avoid using it to say what a person is or is not, but that's just me.
I hope my last post wasn't too inflammatory. I certainly have strong feelings around this subject, and I meant to express that feeling, not animosity toward anyone in this particular thread.
Glenda -- I think you're right on about the OP. I hope I got across a similar point. Indeed there's a lot to explore, and these questions are well worth asking, but I don't think they can be rightly answered, except through a realization of the limitations of language, words, definitions, identities, etc.
Jen, the spectrum of visual light is my favorite metaphor -- actually, my favorite case of a general principle about the whole of human knowledge (at least a posteriori knowledge). Not only is our knowledge uncertain, but so are the concepts we apply. For that reason, I think words are best used as signposts naming nearby regions of semantic space (red, scarlet, transsexual, The West, whatever), not as boundaries marking the limits of what is conceivable.
At some point before or during transition we find ourself adrift in unknown regions of semantic space, and we
cling to labels to help use understand who we are, to help us define ourselves. I would hope when some people say, "I'm not trans-anything," they are losing the need to define their identity because of nefound confidence, though the defensiveness I perceive makes me doubtful. In any case, I'd rather spend my time living my life than being a semantic border guard.
I've heard it often described that most crossdressers feel like dressing gives them release and allows them to go back to their male lives, feeling complete.
While transsexuals find that same release with dressing but then going back to their male lives tends to be a horrible torment.
I know it wast he latter for me. The more I crossdressed, the more I wanted. Each step I took, I left myself open to the fact that maybe I wasn't TS....when I took hormones, when I went full time....each time seeing if I would get bored, if things wouldn't feel right......but they all did.
And here I am, living a wonderful life I never thought possible.
It also had its sacrifices though
I've heard people say that they loved Halloween because they could dress as their desired gender. For me it was the reverse; I refused to do so on those single-day opportunities because I knew going back after that day would be too difficult.
I've found it useful to also look at the other side of these questions, e.g. how would one know one isn't?
I agree, Jerica. It was very much the same for me. For years I had convinced myself that I was a cross-dresser, but I was a closeted cross-dresser never interacting with anyone while dressed. The morning after the first time I went to a public event dressed as a woman, I had a terrible time convincing myself to put on male clothes. I knew then that my quiet life as a closeted cross-dresser was in jeopardy.
I eased into life as a woman, telling my friends I was transgendered and purposely not being specific about what that meant, starting to get my facial hair removed, starting hormones "just to soften my contours," even changing my name legally so that I'd have female-named ID. By then I knew I had to try living full-time. As I edged ever more into the warm, comforting waters of being a woman I became ever more certain that I was doing the right thing.
And as you said:
Quote from: Jerica on June 29, 2010, 03:36:02 PM
And here I am, living a wonderful life I never thought possible.
- Kate
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 29, 2010, 04:09:36 PM
If one has zero desire to be or dress as the opposite sex.
I'll cosign that.
Alyssa, I'm totally with you on all of that :).
Another round of debate between nominalism vs. realism.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem_of_universals (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem_of_universals)
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/11090c.htm (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/11090c.htm)
Barbie~~
Quote from: Jen on June 28, 2010, 11:52:07 PM
So, where does red stop and orange begin?
The spectrum analogy is very apt. The colors blend smoothly into each other. There are infinite shades and hues between crimson and scarlet, for goodness sakes. The only dividing lines are the ones we make artificially. But then, nobody's going to argue that purple is the same color as yellow.
One of the more interesting things I learned studying anthropology as an undergrad was that different cultures actually DO define colors differently. We all
see the same color spectrum. But, depending on the culture we're raised within, we don't acknowledge the same colors. Some see a lot more. Some see less. Some are completely at odds over where the line is drawn between one color and the next.
This isn't a refutation of your point, Jen. Just adding a bit more geeky context to bolster it. ;)
I always love more geeky context! :)