...is my mom's latest excuse for why my gender identity baffles her.
Apparently, as a toddler I loved to wear frilly, girly dresses. I don't really remember my clothes as a toddler, but the family picture album supports this claim. However, it's worth noting that all of this had stopped by about 1st grade, by which point I refused to wear anything more feminine than skorts (y'know, shorts that prentend to be a skirt). The next time my mom managed to get me into a dress was a few years later, when she agreed to get me some bug print fabric as long as I would allow her to make me a dress out of it, which was the last dress I wore until my junior year of high school.
Incidentally, I have more feminine outfits now than I did throughout most of my childhood, mostly due to my undying love of colorful gypsy skirts. |D
Anyone else have stories of amusing (if a bit aggravating) parent-logic for why they "can't possibly really be trans"? (And/or methods for explaining to parents why this logic doesn't work?)
A simple answer to her logic is "Who dressed me mum?"
I love gypsy skirts!
I have never really had this. My mum just says things like "A woman would undertand what she is going through...". ::) I just tell her how much her comments hurt. Seems to do the trick.
My mom made the same claim about me liking dresses when I was little. I also liked to lay down in puddles and blow bubbles in them when I was little, while wearing my frilly girly dresses.
Maybe i did like lacey dresses with bows, but I also didn't know that dresses were supposed to be just for girls till I was 5 or 6. I would guess though, that lace was fun because you could see through it, and having a bow on the back was like having a tail.
Yeah, "Who dressed me, mom?" and "I barely knew what gender WAS as a toddler!"
Unless they're raised in very gender-typed environments, which... I wasn't, most kids have a fairly limited knowledge of "boy things" and "girl things" before they start school. About the only really gender-related memory I have prior to about 3rd grade (at which point I became really unfortunately aware of the gender line being drawn between my classmates) was that I couldn't figure out quite why all the neighborhood girls were so fond of Barbies and Polly Pockets. Sitting around watching The Land Before Time while playing with stuffed animals was so much more fun, because everyone enjoyed that!
Not that my mom will listen to any of this logic-- but at least it's reassuring to me and helps me keep my head up even when she won't listen. 83
In any case, gypsy skirts are fantastic! They make for such lovely, bright and cheery outfits. I think I'm more in touch with my feminine side now, identifying as genderqueer, than I was for most of my (female) childhood. XD
My sister Nina has always said this to me, there's tons of photos of me in dresses and over the top jewellery and she always insisted I loved them. (my sisters are like 20 years older than me and are more like parents, fyi)
Then when my other sister Lindsey was visiting she mentioned something about "oh I remember when this photo was taken, you were screaming your head off and throwing a tantrum, then again, you always did when Nina tried to put you in dresses"
I was like, OH REALLY?
So yeah, if a particular family member doesn't agree with or understand your transition, don't put it past them to lie to try and prove their point :P
Not necessarily lie, most people have selective memories.
There are tons of pics of me in girly clothes, too. Mostly because growing up in the sixties, my father believed girls should wear dresses, and dressed us accordingly. I do remember pitching a fit around age 3 over wearing a dress and getting spanked for it. I hated them from as early as I can remember!
Jay
I think I might have pictures of me as a kid wearing my bug dress. Maybe if I can find them (at some point when my mom won't catch me digging through the family photo albums), I'll scan one or two. I wasn't terribly delighted with the idea of having a dress, but my mom assuaged my discontent by letting me pick out the pattern and fabric. By the time my mom had it sewn, I wasn't exactly bursting out of my skin excited to have a dress, but I sure was proud to wear it to the science fair to present my research (which, incidentally, was about bugs-- sensing a theme, here?). 8D It was long and modest and comfy had an apron and, most importantly of all, was made out of the most wonderfully tacky bug fabric that was probably intended for crutains and pajamas for little boys (except that my brother was perfectly happy having frogs all over his room and wardrobe... they could be wearing pink lipstick and a tierra, for all he cared, as long as they were FROGS). If I recall rightly, I also had a counterpart with either frogs or lizards on it... or different bug material... or Pokemon. But I think the Pokemon fabric was reserved for Pajamas. XD
I really had an aversion to doing anything the world might dub "feminine" from about 3rd grade through about 11th grade. If I did happen to find myself liking something that I deemed "feminine", I would actually hide it or try to justify it. All of this my mom was quite aware of, up until the point where I started verbalizing my gender identity. I think she's at this point where she doesn't want to admit that I'm not pulling this gender stuff out of thin air-- hopefully eventually she'll adjust?
Quote from: Crow on June 01, 2010, 11:29:33 AM
I really had an aversion to doing anything the world might dub "feminine" from about 3rd grade through about 11th grade. If I did happen to find myself liking something that I deemed "feminine", I would actually hide it or try to justify it.
Yeah, I did this a lot. Actually, I did it all the way up until I came out a couple months ago. Best example: I'd be sitting in the living room watching some sort of sappy chick flick or romantic comedy, and if I heard my husband coming (or my parents, when I lived with them) I'd panic and change the channel. Like it was porn.
Quote from: Crow on May 31, 2010, 10:16:49 PM
Sitting around watching The Land Before Time while playing with stuffed animals was so much more fun
eee Land Before Time, i still watch that on occasion.
The only real thing i liked that was a girly toy was Polly Pockets because i always thought they came to life in there little houses when i slept. Also my polly pockets were disney so i guess they weren't that girly.
My dad was the one who encouraged my boyish-ness all my life and took me to football and rugby matches etc he even asked me to help out with DIY. Yet he completley can't get that im trans and thinks i cant accept being gay.
My mum doesnt fully know but i've been hinting to high hell so she must have a clue. She was the one trying to force me into dresses and yet when asked if she'd still love me if i had a sex change she was fine.
I have pics of me in dresses as a kid, but hey... I grew up into a girly boy. Surprise! I also have a photograph of me (at about 5) in a brand spanking new pink jogging suit... covered in mud. I feel blessed that my ma' decided the proper reaction to me taking my new clothes and rolling about in the mud was running to get the camera instead of being angry.
When I finally came out to her, 20 years later, she reacted by saying that I always DID like to dress out of the boy's section as a child.
Dang I really must find and scan that jogging suit pic.
Land Before Time was the Shizzle as the ten year olds in my class say (and reckon I don't know what it means).
My parents were surprised, mainly because I was never flamboyant in the clothing department - the fact that I have played a woman in three plays and used to always play 'house', 'barbie' and 'polly pocket' - isn't he such a good brother? Though to be fair the very feminine stuff was to assuage the wrath of my sister.
As a child I loved birds, handpuppets and putting on shows - dances, plays, that kind of thing and reading and writing stories.
As an adult I love to dance around to music, red and write stories, go in play and I am just starting a regular appearance in front of kids with handpuppets.. so no difference there then.
My parents said I was such a manly child and I really can't remember anything that would support that.
My Mum trotted out the "you were a perfectly normal little boy" line the other night I remember my child hood and I was definitely not normal.
Quote from: Helena on June 02, 2010, 04:00:43 PM
My Mum trotted out the "you were a perfectly normal little boy" line the other night I remember my child hood and I was definitely not normal.
haha yeah parents see what they want to see and deny everything else.
Quote from: Helena on June 02, 2010, 04:00:43 PM
My Mum trotted out the "you were a perfectly normal little boy" line the other night I remember my child hood and I was definitely not normal.
Define normal. Normal can mean different things to different people.
My question would be: Up to what age was I such a "girly/manly" toddler? Up until I knew there was a difference between girls and boys? Up until I had the mental capacity to choose for myself and understand who I really was?
Of course your going to be girly or manly for the first few years, your parents are dressing you, making your decisions, you don't understand their is a difference between boys and girls, once you do is when you start realizing their is a problem.
Sarah L.
This very true, if you said it though im sure they would come up with something else...
Totally off topic but is that a kangeroo in your garden?
No, that was a coyote that came by daily for a drink.
Sarah L.
Quote from: LordKAT on June 03, 2010, 09:17:06 AM
Define normal. Normal can mean different things to different people.
Well if normal is banging your head against the wall when you knew your parents were upset with you, having a seriously unhealthy obsession with the female reproductive cycle (at play school I drew a picture of what looked like the sun, the teacher complimented me on the drawing and I turned round and told her it was actually a sperm fertilising an egg), and taking (and enjoying) ballet glasses because at that point in time I wanted to be a palaeontologist and in my head palaeontologists needed strong well toned legs for all the walking they'd need to do looking for dinosaurs...then I'd have hold up my hand and say yes... am the most normal person that has ever existed. hyper normal if you will.
hehe
Early on in my therapy I told my therapist that I really enjoyed doing some boy stuff as a child. She replied, yeah, me too, never made me a boy though. Which, I think may just sum all of this up nicely. Up until a certain age, I think that you just like stuff, and doing stuff, it's only later on that you are taught that some things are boy stuff and some things are girl stuff.
There is an awful lot of sexism in all of this and to be honest, my sister had much more boy like hobbies than I did, she has no gender issues, she is just absolutely fearless, while I am much more cautious.
This thread has got me worried about talking to my mother tomorrow now :embarrassed:
Quote from: MillieB on June 03, 2010, 05:14:38 PM
This thread has got me worried about talking to my mother tomorrow now :embarrassed:
Dont be worried this thread is proof most parents (though still in slight denial) are managing to be supportive and get there head round it.
Quote from: Thomas on June 04, 2010, 12:21:26 PM
Dont be worried this thread is proof most parents (though still in slight denial) are managing to be supportive and get there head round it.
Thanks Thomas, :) I'd needn't have worried she was great :D
It's so stupid when they try to base things on what you were like as a toddler. Toddlers don't have a real sense of gender! they're just discovering the world and themselves and aren't thinking like adults do.
I have a notebook of stories about me my mum wrote when I was little. As a toddler, I demand to only wear skirts for a while, then a few weeks later I'm demanding my mum buy me a penis. And I liked My Little Ponies. But so what! I like Ninja Turtles, toy race cars as well. They're all just TOYS and anyone can play with em.
Geeze, my mom pulls that dress thing all the time. And she loves the "you used to adore the color pink too!" I never liked pink, my fav color is blue and purple. Dad thought it was cute on me since I was his first daughter...
The only time I've worn a dress (after private school up to 2nd grade) was homecoming and prom. And only because I didn't have a date and wanted to make the jerks feel jealous with how nice my legs look (they turned me down for looking "too chubby and manish") lol
I think my mom has known for years though and thinks she did something wrong. I think she wants to somehow remind me of how it used to be and maybe snap me back to be her little girly-girl... :-\
My parents - while accepting - weren't at first. My mother is still rather resistant to the idea of me being anything then what she raised me as. I've heard several things mentioned in this thread, but more prominently 'But, if God wanted you to be ...' (not to turn this into anything religious, I was just raised in a very . . . religious family and close-nit community). and 'Just don't listen to what people say.'
I never understood the purpose of a parent calling it a phase, when . . . from the moment I knew I could think for myself, that it didn't feel right. If anything, a means of making an excuse.
When we first got this new house (the one we live in now), ten years ago, our entire yard was muddy. Hell, we had a huge ... mountain of dirt in the back yard. I'd climb up to the top and then slide down, covered from head to toe. Played soccor and baseball. Played one of the previously mentioned sports, in the mud or while it's raining. I even remember pulling the heads off my sister's barbies, when I was younger. */rambles.*
Quote from: flipside_genderbender on June 07, 2010, 09:53:44 PMI think my mom has known for years though and thinks she did something wrong. I think she wants to somehow remind me of how it used to be and maybe snap me back to be her little girly-girl... :-\
My mom always says stuff, that it's her fault for the way I turned out. It sucks, hearing that. And, I know my mom would like for that to happen, but it's not her fault and I don't think I will ever be anything 'like I used to be [as a toddler].'
I think my mom just very recently (that is, when I told her I'm not really a girl) understood why I, as a kid:
- totally refused to brush my long hair
- put holes in all my jeans
- took about a week to destroy my new shiny shoes
- sat with my legs open
- spoke loudly
- got into fights with the kids at school
- ran around like a madman with toy swords
- hated doing the dishes but loved helping out my dad fixing stuff around the house
- always needed to prove I was just as strong as my brother
- etc... etc...
Of course this is all very stereotypical, 'cause as some of you have pointed out, kids just like what they like and do what they do, right? Who's to say what's boyish or girly? To my parent's though, all of the above was not girly, so much is clear...
Anyway, she did not (thank G*D!!) try to convince me what a girly girl I once was, probably because I really wasn't, but instead she seemed really relieved... Like we finally solved the big mystery of 'me'... (???)
Bit of an anticlimax if you know how scared I was of telling her... :-\
Quote from: elvistears on June 05, 2010, 08:54:01 PM
It's so stupid when they try to base things on what you were like as a toddler. Toddlers don't have a real sense of gender! they're just discovering the world and themselves and aren't thinking like adults do.
I have a notebook of stories about me my mum wrote when I was little. As a toddler, I demand to only wear skirts for a while, then a few weeks later I'm demanding my mum buy me a penis. And I liked My Little Ponies. But so what! I like Ninja Turtles, toy race cars as well. They're all just TOYS and anyone can play with em.
Agree. Every therapist I've been to asked if I played with Barbies or trucks. Does it really matter? It really just depends on what my parents buy for me. Even so, there's no innate biological imperative that has boys instinctively going for trucks. It's all plastic.
Quote from: EddieNash on June 08, 2010, 01:59:22 AM
My mom always says stuff, that it's her fault for the way I turned out. It sucks, hearing that. And, I know my mom would like for that to happen, but it's not her fault and I don't think I will ever be anything 'like I used to be [as a toddler].'
I suppose, for her, those days feel pretty recent.
Quote from: SilverFang on June 08, 2010, 06:18:40 PM
Agree. Every therapist I've been to asked if I played with Barbies or trucks. Does it really matter? It really just depends on what my parents buy for me. Even so, there's no innate biological imperative that has boys instinctively going for trucks. It's all plastic.
That's such bad therapy dude. I had Barbies, but guess what, they were hand me downs from my gay boy cousin in Germany! They were instrumental in my sex ed, those Barbies got A LOT of action*. I don't think any boys just liked "boy stuff" when they were a kid, and vice versa for girls. It's just a way for those in charge to invalidate us.
*just remembered, my friend had Barbies and no Kens. She felt they needed a boyfriend. So she took a Barbie, cut its hair short, drew some stubble and then tried to MELT its boobs off on the stove! Ruined the element. That girl was ahead of her time.
Quote from: elvistears on June 08, 2010, 06:49:34 PM
That's such bad therapy dude. I had Barbies, but guess what, they were hand me downs from my gay boy cousin in Germany! They were instrumental in my sex ed, those Barbies got A LOT of action*. I don't think any boys just liked "boy stuff" when they were a kid, and vice versa for girls. It's just a way for those in charge to invalidate us.
*just remembered, my friend had Barbies and no Kens. She felt they needed a boyfriend. So she took a Barbie, cut its hair short, drew some stubble and then tried to MELT its boobs off on the stove! Ruined the element. That girl was ahead of her time.
Even if it doesn't seem to affect much, I've always been asked but I just think it's a waste of time.
As to the rest, lol. That's an interesting girl.
Quote from: Pica Pica on June 08, 2010, 06:23:58 PM
I suppose, for her, those days feel pretty recent.
I know, and regardless I still love my mother. Even if we do argue a lot, including 'how I used to be.' Ever have great success with explaining how you feel to your mother? Or parent.
Quote from: SilverFang on June 08, 2010, 06:18:40 PM
Agree. Every therapist I've been to asked if I played with Barbies or trucks. Does it really matter? It really just depends on what my parents buy for me. Even so, there's no innate biological imperative that has boys instinctively going for trucks. It's all plastic.
LoL. I had an army of G.I. Joe guys that all rode in the My Little Pony cavalry. WTF does that make me? My Barbie was married to Batman... and one year I dressed up as an angel for halloween... but with a giant bloody axe in tow.
Quote from: Rowan on June 08, 2010, 08:33:06 PM
LoL. I had an army of G.I. Joe guys that all rode in the My Little Pony cavalry. WTF does that make me? My Barbie was married to Batman... and one year I dressed up as an angel for halloween... but with a giant bloody axe in tow.
That makes you awesome, lol.
No....my mom has an obvious lack of evidence to back up her claim that there were no signs.
I think telling my g'ma at 8 yrs old before I hit puberty, when she got her mastectomy, that she could have my chesticles cause I didn't want them...would be a clear sign.
Oh, and the thought of myself being pregnant disgusted me.
And I wanted to play football on the community team, but wasn't allowed.
But this thread is about signs to the contrary..um....
I let my birthday cake at 2 years old be pink?
Haha.