I just thought of something earlier today. It is always said that transsexualism is from birth and that people who come out later in life did not realize it earlier on. Things such as depression and other things can rewire chemicals in our brains to think certain things. Is it possible that someone could somehow have had a rewiring of their brain and feel that they are a girl. I was just wondering if something like that could have happened to me. I guess it could be said that if it were that simple you could take pills to get rid of it, but maybe it is somehow some type of different kind change in the brain that cannot be solved through simple means.
I kind of look at my transsexualism like the earth itself. All the continents of the earth were once all together and not separated. This was known as Pangea, but now this is not the case at all. The lands of the Earth are all scattered. Maybe I wasn't always trans but somehow became that way and it just stuck. This analogy makes me feel better somehow. My doubts are almost all gone and I am ready for help. This time for real.
Hi
Interesting post. From other threads many TG people identify very early in life as being TG, even though they cannot define it. In my case, and only as a n example, I knew I was female before I knew what being female was. I just knew it.
Depression, in may case, came on in later life when I was facing the enigma of being the gender that my sex demonstrates or being the sex my gender is. The conflict was difficult, and for me and many others it led to depression etc.
Since I have been on medication my depression is largely under control. I have no problems accepting that I am female. I do have problems with how to proceed, don't we all :laugh: :laugh:. But my medication came AFTER my realizations. And contrary to your hypothesis medication has made no influence om mt gender ID, if anything it has cleared the fog and allowed me to think and plan.
But as I said an interesting question and I look forward to intelligent debate. Just to mix it up ::). Why do many 'males' ( I am not going to define many) who are violent sex offenders take hormonal treatment in prison and present as female?
I do not think that in Australia for example compulsory AA is given.
Cindy
It is an interesting post.
There are undoubtedly many reasons why people feel more affiliated to the sex other than their birth sex.
As society has gradually been moving away from the notion of being led toward the principal of individualism, each choosing how we live and our attitudes, self expression has become more accepted.
We can see on here, where almost everyone can talk about themselves without inhibition, that there are a variety of aspirations. Some simply want to alter their sexual appearance and live completely as their chosen gender.
Others want to alter their appearence, to a greater or lesser extent but continue seeking relationships with the opposite to their birth genders.
Some, such as myself, for a variety of reasons, simply seek an opportunity to express their feelings. In my case, I have an amazing relationship with a wife who is better than I deserve. All other things being equal I would change and would have done so long ago.
So, perhaps the reason for this is that society is now more accepting of individual expression.
Ultimately, I hope society develops to the point were such expressions are as normal as a man, for example, choosing to have long or short hair. Or a woman choosing to wear trousers or a skirt.
What any of us carries between our legs, whether what we were born with or that which a skilled surgeon has altered for us, is no-body's business really.
There just seems to be quite a bit of stigma around people who didn't feel anything and then out of the blue BAM. This could cause some transsexuals to keep trying to analyze and intellectualize their transsexuality when all it does is steer you away from what you truly are and want. I might not have been trans at an early age, but I am here now and I want to help others. I will never know what it is like to feel the wrong gender in childhood, but the pains of wanting to be perceived as female since the age of 17 is enough for me to understand even if it is not to the extreme as in other cases. I felt for a long time that I somehow created my transsexuality and made it all up because the feelings came from nowhere and most of the stories I read talked about those who have always known. I thought that maybe I wasn't a real girl but just like the idea of being a girl or something. I know now that the long list of theories I had for why I felt this way are untrue. I realized that even though I probably will always have quite of bit of male attributes that the continuous thoughts of wanting to be Lauren is what makes my transsexuality real. Thoughts of being someone's sister also plagued my mind. My biggest fear is that no one will believe me when I tell them. I wasn't acting as a man in childhood, I was a man or boy. Now I am a girl or woman. I don't know why this changed occurred but somehow it has. I just wanted to say to those who have a similar background, don't beat yourself up because you didn't feel it when you were two minutes old. If it's real, then you already will know it. Because if it wasn't your mind woudn't be plagued by thoughts of yourself as the other gender.
Those of us with a fixed gender identity can't pretend to understand what it must feel like to experience a change in gender identity. But it would be hypocritical for us to claim that it's not possible, given that we ourselves fight against people who tell us that it's not possible to have a gender identity inconsistent with our bodies.
It's possible that the shift you experienced could be something like being bigendered, but on a longer time scale. Or it could be something entirely else. We don't know much at all about trans brains yet, and we certainly don't have nearly enough data to talk meaningfully about the neurological characteristics among different groups of trans people. What we do know is that there are a lot of different groups. MTF TS, MTF TG, MTF CD, FTM TS, FTM TG, FTM CD, Androgyne, Genderqueer, Bigendered, Two-Spirit (all of which come in male-, female-, and intersex-bodied forms)...I'm sure I'm leaving some people out. And there are the combinations, like FTM TSs who are MTF CDs with a Genderqueer preferred presentation. And there may be some subdivisions - there are those who have argued that the obvious, apparently-discrete age "cohorts" of transitioning trans women represent different forms of transsexuality that may have different neurologies. There's also some argument in the FTM community about whether butch-lesbian-identified FTMs are correctly categorized with the rest of us (male-identified, gay or straight) guys.
Basically, my point is that nobody should be scared away from identifying as trans just because their experience or history or self-perception doesn't match some specific narrative. There are literally dozens of different common narratives, and if none of those fit, there's plenty of room to write your own.
Quite. I totally agree with Kyril.
Does it really matter how or why it happens for you? I don't think it does.
I'm one of those early adopters so to speak - I was even out to my parents and friends by the age of 4 or 5. But to be honest I'm sometimes embarrassed about having been so young... with me the worry might be whether this was some silly childhood missunderstanding that somehow got lodged deep in my psyche before I could realise that it was wrong.
It's pointless to worry - none of these narratives is any more valid or correct than any others. We all come to understand who we are at different times and indeed may choose to express that understanding in different ways.
So don't fret - the important thing is not the why or the when - it is deciding what you want to do about expressing your understanding now.
While many TS's will insist that they knew their sex and gender didn't match at an early age, there are many on this site who have said they didn't realize it until later - sometimes puberty but sometimes much later.
When I was little I could see that I was male and therefore had to live as a boy but knew I should be a girl. I didn't think I was a girl. But I've read many accounts of people who knew they were girls even though their bodies weren't girls' bodies.
My point is that we come in a huge variety. Trying to shoehorn yourself into some category that doesn't really fit you hurts, as most of us here will attest. It is important how you feel now. There is no requirement that you felt that way when you were little.
- Kate
lauren3332 i would differ with you on that,i knew at 7-8 yrs old that something was wrong i was very effeminate and wanted to play with girls.I discovered what it was by chance when i dressed up as a girl for a masquerade party at 13 and felt really comfortable.About that time i by chance discovered male hormones and steroids at the gym which helped carry for a lot of years,but the feeling i was in the wrong body still persisted no matter what i did,went in the US Marines,Vietnam,getting married(still with me after 41 years and full transition)and 4 kids.I was resigned to living this way until a medical condition(sprayed with agent orange) forced me into a choice and i went for at the age of 52.I now feel like my brain and my body are in unison.
I think that the information age has played a big impact in that information is now more available than it was in the past. I wonder if the information and accessibility to that information was available 40 years ago if many of the older transitioners would have transitioned earlier on. I think society plays a role as well; being trans has started to be come more acceptable in or society than it was 40 years ago.
In my case, information has helped me not only do research, but find the appropriate support (both medical and friendship wise). A lot of younger people these days have fewer issues than older people.
When I was younger, I grew up in small towns. There was no internet or widely availible information. The psych docs at the time told my mom that she just had to try harder to find male-based activities for me and find a male role model, which would "save me from a life of confusion." Back then ('80s), that's what many medical professionals thought -- that it was abnormal and that if caught at an early age you could prevent someone from growing up transsexual. Of course, now, that has changed and it has become much easier to find a medical professional with a better understanding.
As a kid, I would go to the small, local library and see if there was any information. There was nothing. The only time I got some exposure was off talk-shows, often with the audience reacting in disgust. Society, in general, viewed transsexuals as weirdos, perverts and freaks. As a young kid, this affected me a lot as I knew how I felt (and even related to those on the talk show), but I was scared of saying much. I would go into deep depressions that still impact me today. The feeling that I'm a freak and I should be ashamed of who I am was ingrained in me.
Now, with the information age, that has been changing. More and more people are starting to be "ok" with transsexuals and trans folk in general. It isn't ideal, yet, but the attitudes are changing as time goes on. More and more people are exposed to trans-folk and seeing them as people. The younger generation has a very different viewpoint and attitude vs the older generations.
With more information, we can connect with each other. It's much easier to find other trans-folk to relate to and it's much easier to get connections to doctors, therapists, an psychologists who have an understanding of transsexualism.
The internet has made a huge impact.
I would say that in the next 10 years, there will be even bigger changes and more acceptance. I also think we'll see more variety, as gender queer, two-spirit, bi-gender, androgynous and so on also come with the flow of information. Society will continue to change and the out look will look better for trans-folk.
Lauren everyone's story is unique it could well be the case for you and others that maybe you were induced into Dysphora by depression.
I recommend however that you make a journal and record your memories when you explore your early memories.
Contrary to what you might think our memories and understanding of ourselves are not neatly laid out before us just waiting for us to think and *bing* you know you wanted to be a girl from a young age.
My mind at least and I suspect of others is more like an enigmatic puzzle box you can't find certain things out until you work out other preceding facts before it. And memories we seek are locked away in cryptic layers.
I initially thought my GID I had appeared when I was 16 and were for some odd sexual purpose or inadequacy related to my manhood or sense of self.
It was when I kept a journal and I understood why I was seeking to emulate certain female behaviours at that age I recalled that my motivation for this change stemmed from depression and hate of how my body appeared It's when I realized my motivation I started getting memories from age 10-13 surfacing which were clearly dysphoria related and were linked to those feelings.
Quote from: gothique11 on June 03, 2010, 05:10:58 PM
I think that the information age has played a big impact in that information is now more available than it was in the past. I wonder if the information and accessibility to that information was available 40 years ago if many of the older transitioners would have transitioned earlier on. I think society plays a role as well; being trans has started to be come more acceptable in or society than it was 40 years ago.
In my case, information has helped me not only do research, but find the appropriate support (both medical and friendship wise). A lot of younger people these days have fewer issues than older people.
When I was younger, I grew up in small towns. There was no internet or widely availible information. The psych docs at the time told my mom that she just had to try harder to find male-based activities for me and find a male role model, which would "save me from a life of confusion." Back then ('80s), that's what many medical professionals thought -- that it was abnormal and that if caught at an early age you could prevent someone from growing up transsexual. Of course, now, that has changed and it has become much easier to find a medical professional with a better understanding.
As a kid, I would go to the small, local library and see if there was any information. There was nothing. The only time I got some exposure was off talk-shows, often with the audience reacting in disgust. Society, in general, viewed transsexuals as weirdos, perverts and freaks. As a young kid, this affected me a lot as I knew how I felt (and even related to those on the talk show), but I was scared of saying much. I would go into deep depressions that still impact me today. The feeling that I'm a freak and I should be ashamed of who I am was ingrained in me.
Now, with the information age, that has been changing. More and more people are starting to be "ok" with transsexuals and trans folk in general. It isn't ideal, yet, but the attitudes are changing as time goes on. More and more people are exposed to trans-folk and seeing them as people. The younger generation has a very different viewpoint and attitude vs the older generations.
With more information, we can connect with each other. It's much easier to find other trans-folk to relate to and it's much easier to get connections to doctors, therapists, an psychologists who have an understanding of transsexualism.
The internet has made a huge impact.
I would say that in the next 10 years, there will be even bigger changes and more acceptance. I also think we'll see more variety, as gender queer, two-spirit, bi-gender, androgynous and so on also come with the flow of information. Society will continue to change and the out look will look better for trans-folk.
I think this is a really key factor. I was born in 1953. I knew things were 'wrong' but no idea what. I was about 12-13, sitting in a barbers for a hair cut I didn't want but was told to have. I picked up a magazine while waiting and there was a letter to a help person about a guy who cross dressed. I cannot remember the full reply but I remember feeling faint and realizing that there were people like me.
Now a days there is massive amount of information and support, even though it seems so little at times. As I was growing any 'male' who crossed dressed was a poofter or a drag queen. 'He' was acceptable on a stage being a comedian, but not in life.
Now I go out to dinner, drinks, shopping ::) and anything else I want to do. I don't pass well but I am very rarely 'bailed' up, and so far have been safe and felt safe. I think Western society is changing, the internet has certainly been an incredible service to people like us (?). For example how many have developed, grown and changed thanks to this web site? Lots.
Cindy
Quote from: CindyJames on June 04, 2010, 04:29:07 AM
I think this is a really key factor. I was born in 1953. I knew things were 'wrong' but no idea what. I was about 12-13, sitting in a barbers for a hair cut I didn't want but was told to have. I picked up a magazine while waiting and there was a letter to a help person about a guy who cross dressed. I cannot remember the full reply but I remember feeling faint and realizing that there were people like me.
Now a days there is massive amount of information and support, even though it seems so little at times. As I was growing any 'male' who crossed dressed was a poofter or a drag queen. 'He' was acceptable on a stage being a comedian, but not in life.
Now I go out to dinner, drinks, shopping ::) and anything else I want to do. I don't pass well but I am very rarely 'bailed' up, and so far have been safe and felt safe. I think Western society is changing, the internet has certainly been an incredible service to people like us (?). For example how many have developed, grown and changed thanks to this web site? Lots.
Cindy
Amen, Cindy. I am ten years older than you and know what you are saying.
This site has helped me enormously, and I found a support group using the internet. The spread of information has made it easier for me by educating (enlightening?) the general public. Most everyone I run into just thinks I should be able to live my life as I am – a woman who was born with a male body. And no one seems to care whether I knew as a child or found out a couple of years ago or why I am this way.
I think the crucial thing is that I
know what I am at last. How I got here is only interesting as part of the story.
- Kate
I also have to agree that having information available is enormously helpfull.
I was born in 1955, so, like others, have watched as so much has become available.
But I have to say that, in my own case, what held me back was fear. My parents thought they could make a man of me by beating. That just ended up making me utterly petrified of anyone.
What I'm trying to say is that society is moving forward. In the 60s for example, homosexuality was generally illegal and certainly a reason to be socially outcast. Someone found to be involved in homosexual activity then would be barred from most senior or secure positions. The reason was generally given as potential for blackmail.
It remained a means of blackening people though. I recall some spies who defected to Russia being branded homosexuals. Until someone asked the question, if you knew, why did you hire them.
There is another member here from Finland who is experiencing serious porblems with her military who deny she is female. Their society continues to see itself under potential seige. Their ruling classes continue to insist that their young people prepare themselves to die. Self expression is only acceptable while it doesn't interfere with the preparations to kill people they don't know.
Here, mass war is now a matter of nuclear weapons. Our ruling classes consider themselves protected by those so they no longer need to send individuals to kill strangers, a bucket load can be killed with the press of a button.
So, society is moving forward. Self expression is being more tolerated and even to an extent, protected. The availability of information, in itself, however is irrelevant.
Just as homosexuals have always existed, so have people with varying degrees of Transgendered problems. Inquiries are no-longer treated as potential interest in preversion. At least, not in the case of homosexuality and transgender.
An interesting point, Lauren. Did the transsexuality cause the depression or did the depression cause the transsexuality? A quite common theme in the trans persons life is depression, and I don't think that anyone has analyzed it to see if it is endemic to the condition. Most assume it is a by product of having to hide and pretend that we are something that we are not.
I do remember having fits of some very bleak depression going all the way back to when I was in third grade. Coincidentally at that time I was becoming acutely aware that there was something not right about me. At that time it wasn't the classical "girl in boys body" feeling. It was more along the lines of feeling like I had my shoes on the wrong feet, but all over my body.
I dared not speak of the depression or odd feelings when I was younger, because my parents were very blue collar types and anything like that was crazy talk. And anyone crazy was a stigma to the family, though my father suffered from severe anxiety and depression as well, he never sought counselling or medical assistance (because he too would then be "crazy").
I've turned these kind of thoughts over in my mind as well, searching for a reason, a trigger of some sort, that would explain why I'm only one in tens of thousands to have this. And I keep coming up with the same answer, "It doesn't matter". It is what it is, or to quote Popeye, "I yams what I yams, and that's all that I yams!" Though he was hardly any sort of role model for me growing up.
-Sandy("toot toot!")
Quote from: lauren3332 on June 03, 2010, 04:40:19 AM
Things such as depression and other things can rewire chemicals in our brains to think certain things. Is it possible that someone could somehow have had a rewiring of their brain and feel that they are a girl.
Interesting idea. Gives me a lot to think about actually.
I was always a bit of a tomboy growing up, but never felt like I should have been a boy till I was 20 or 21. I wonder if it could have been connected to a medical problem when I was 19.
I had surgery on my spine, and the surgeon accidently tore a small hole in the sack around my spinal cord, causing cerebral spinal fluid to drain out. It got to the point where i had no fluid in my brain. The tear healed itself, and my body replaced the CFS fluid, so I'm completely fine now. I have heard that hormones and things like seratonin, and other chemicals kinda hang out in there, so I'm wondering what that did to my brain to have it all wiped out and replaced.
I never had any problems with depression or GID till after. I went from being a straight edge honors student and happy girl, to depressed and suicidal and hating being a girl with in a year. Maybe its all a big coincidence, but I definitely was a different person before the CFS leak.
i have realize my case in the age of 29
i thought this has happened because of the porno movies
but i remember at the age of 7 wearing my mother clothes
and the age of 11 it happened again
at the age of 15 i already had my feminie clothes
i had breasts growing in the age of 12
i had to play sports so that my breasts would disappear
i had to be on diet to avoid having hips
i went to psychitrist in the age of 30
he said i have gender dysphoria and should search for male activities such as martial arts of weight lefting, and said that this would remove my gender dysphoria.
i tried, but i couldnot remove this feeling of woman inside of me.
I'm going to steal one of Jenny's lines and say that GD is not a one size fits all kind of thing. There could be any number of reasons why these feeling develop and none of them are wrong. I know a lot of people were aware at a very young age, some like myself were aware at the onset of puberty (though looking back at my earlier childhood, there are a few instances that make me question if at some level I knew something was amiss...but i certainly wasn't aware consciously), and some people find they become aware slowly later in life. I think stress and depression can certainly accentuate the feelings of dysphoria...it certainly did with me, but does it cause GD, i don't know. All it might be doing is triggering some latent feelings that have lain in a sub-routine of your brain fr years.
To be honest: I didn't realize until a few years back. Before that, and yes, all the way to remembering the thoughts as a three year old, I simply didn't understand why I wasn't a girl. That's not exactly the same as realizing I'm a girl in a not-so-girly body, and I didn't really think I should have been a girl.. I just never for the life of me could understand why I wasn't born a girl, while that, to me, seemed like the logical thing to happen. (To be fair: This was a driving question, for me. As a young child, I was nearly obsessed with it.)
Only a few years ago, I realized the answer. And it was: 'Whoopsie!'
I'm also riddled by depression. Riddled and ridden, you could say. Not to seem sad, but a lot of nasty stuff has happened in my life, and I must admit that I am depressed about my gender-identity thing, bút.. Since so many things have happened, it's hard to separate the how from the why from the when from the what. And I believe most people suffering from depression can recognize this. Did I make certain choices because I was depressed? Or did the results just lead me to become depressed? Was I depressed because I felt like [..], or did I feel like [...] because I am depressed?
It's an intricate spider's web, and me: I'm not finished puzzling. ;)
i think most transexuals feel depressed, due to the conflict between their body and soul, due to the inability to become what their nature tell, but i don't think that depression leads to transsexuality.
This is a very interesting subject for me personally as it took me a very long time to fully accept my GID. When I was growing up things were very different and people who were different were treated badly. Also there was little understanding or tolerance for our condition. I certainly knew I was different being a small boned feminine male who was very interested in my mother's underwear. My brothers were big strong males and tough guys. I preferred to hang out with girls and loved to gossip with them. I was always afraid as I was continually picked on and called a girl. I actually feared for my life so I repressed my true self. When I was about 22 I started dressing frequently but still refused to accept my true self. The internet and a wonderful therapist have changed everything as I am now well on my way to full womanhood even though I wish it had happened years ago. I know I am not alone and I am so happy I can be the female on the outside; I was always one inside. I am very happy that things are so much better so young transgender people can transition early in life and live in their proper gender for a long time.
Pam
This is a question I have tried to discuss on various forums over the years but very often people begin to feel defensive because where ever "difference" is involved, many folk try to turn difference into "better-than/worse-than".
If one accepts that gender is "a scale" (from masculine at one end to feminine at the other), there can also be another factor in "strength of expression". On that hypothesis, the average (non-trans) person would tend toward one end or the other and have a moderately strong expression. By the same token, one could be quite feminine (for example) with a weak expression and live comfortably androgynously.
Now if one assumes that "gender" on that scale is not necessarily fixed but may shift due to various factors throughout life, then everything we see makes sense.
Personally, as a child, I fell toward the feminine end with a fairly strong expression so it was apparent to most adults that "This kids isn't normal" but growing up in the 1950's the only "not-normal" that anyone knew about was homosexual - but I didn't fit there either.
Because of my gender and strength of expression, I HAD to fight to find the means of expressing myself. Despite the lack of resources (small village in the middle of a backwards area) and general ignorance, I HAD to ferret out information, find resources, and educate doctors in order to get help. (I also had to walk a fine line because if I pushed too hard, I would have been committed to an institution for being "delusional"!) Up until about 1967, I was the first 'transsexual' that most doctors had ever seen. (Dr. Benjamin's book, 1966, and being 'pronounced' by Dr. Benjamin that same year was the first credibility extended by the medical profession!) I simply could NOT pass for a boy in childhood and adjusting to male life was out of the question. The situation became even more acute after puberty.
Now I was not a frills-and-lace type of girl - more the horses and jeans type but with hormone therapy (1968) and SRS (1974) I noticed my drift toward ever more feminine in my basic gender as well as an increase in strength of expression.
In observing the trans community for the past decade, it would seem that the "gender scale" and "strength of expression" would explain the wide variation in "paths" and "time-lines ". Adding the idea of "gender drift" expands the envelope even more.
Hopefully no one will turn this into a better-than/worse-than debate. I really don't see it as any different from diabetes - some are struck early and severely and others "drift into it" through a lifetime.
I was born in 1953, and agree with Sandy that there simply was no information available to the general public. If homosexuality was illegal, coming out as trans was likely to get you committed.
I can remember feeling "not right" in my teens, but there was no way of working out why.
The realisation was a bit like waking up one morning and realising that you are not the only person in the world who is left-handed.
Actually, Jane, your theory makes a lot of sense to me. I knew from an early age that I should be a girl, but the strength of my expression was weak enough that I could cope as a weak girly-boy and then an effeminate man for a long time. Gradually, as I needed to become more effeminate (feminine) and wasn't gay, it became ever more difficult for me.
Even starting to live full-time, I thought I was neither a man nor a woman but would be happier presenting as a woman than I had been presenting as a man. It was only after settling into life as a woman that I realized that I am not somewhere in the middle but am truly a woman. It's taken me a long time to get here, but I have no doubts now that I am a woman and – in some ways – always have been. A weak need for expression would explain a lot of that.
- Kate
Up until about 1967, I was the first 'transsexual' that most doctors had ever seen. (Dr.
[/quote]
Here in my bit of England in 2010 I'm the first transsexual all of the many doctors, endocrinologists, surgeons, dentists etc have ever seen! Not one of the 15 doctors at the last three clinics I have been registered at (essential in England due to NHS) has had any dealings with a TS before so I am quite used to informing them of what medication and what therapy I want/should have/am legally entitled to.
We are still quite rare specimens.
Hi all,
I have often thought how my GID started or I should say a desire to express it more fully. For me it was at an early age that I began to wear some of my mum's clothes (looked ridiculous looking back) and at the age of 11 this became a regular thing. This was the 70's and I had no access to anything that would have helped me understand myself and I felt like a freak. I remember seeing a documentary in 1985 about Thailand and the transsexuals there and at the time I remember thinking I wished I could have done the same thing. It wasn't until early 2007 that I eventually plucked up enough courage to find help, a diagnosis and eventual surgery. If I knew what I know today I would have definitely got help sooner. I have never felt better, (ask me again after surgery, lol) I can not explain the difference and yet I feel for the first time complete instead of complicated if that makes sense. Whole instead of separate parts.
Did I drift into it? I suppose I did but it was always there and as K8 says I too did not have a strong self expression and conformed to what others thought and wanted.
Stardust
I was born in 1953 also... something in the kool aid?!
I've had gender dysphoria as long as I can remember. The need to express it has waxed and waned somewhat over the years. The fear of what might happen if found out played a large role in keeping it private.
I must agree with others, the internet and access to information made a big difference.
I was born in 1962..the original poster pretty much summed up my experience.
I never thought about anything else my whole life..i fell asleep concentrating on trying to be a woman in my dreams...LOL
BUT i didn't ever consider the fact that I was a "transsexual"...i had totally and completely separated my 2 lives...even in a marriage, with wonderful kids, and corporate job....i convinced myself that transition was impossible....so just live the man's life...
but i couldnt do it, at some point, i was no longer able to separate the two...in fact, there was only one..just like always.
sometimes i wonder if it was my survival instinct that kicked in..
figuring this out and accepting it saved me.
i would say that the hardcore narrative of "i knew when i was 5" really scared me..and it took alot of self reflection to plough ahead...i often thought about the OP's idea that I was just making this up (what a silly thing to make up!).. i had one horrible therapist that put me in a much deeper hole by telling me that it was "impossible" for me to be transsexual..
It makes sense to me that some of us "know" from first memory....i knew something at first memory too...probably we all face this huge fact and we are just little kids...we take this fact, which is scary, confusing, and frankly quite sad, and we deal with it as best we can
...some repress it, some fight it, some go on barbara walters at 7 yrs old!
My wife has told me that she thinks that I am not transsexual because she can't see any signs to prove any other to her. I see a lot of me in this forum and can't understand why she can't see. I have a lot of the same fears and views. I can't seem to find anything that prove to me that I knew as a child, but when I was 20 when old memories of being molested surfaced that I had suppressed. I don't remember my childhood, but I have know for years that I am a woman. some are trying to blame the molestation for my disphoria. I don't think that it had anything to do with it. it makes me angry when they say things like this because it makes me feel like I am some kind of a fluke caused by someone else.
lainey thats why i posted...
the only thing that matters is what's in your head...everything else is about what you are able to do about it..
i got very depressed being told "you are not transsexual"...LOL...... for a long time, i didnt have the knowledge, resources or support to do anything but go back to my hole
this is about you and your life..
Since birth I've been "weird", on top of many things subconciously feminine/camp, and everyone else in my life has always picked up on that, and it's evident in my childhood photos that there's something going on.
However, when I became self aware I did not think I was a transsexual, I simply got confused because I had always assumed boys grew up to be girls. I didn't then go on to think I was a girl, I just became confused and started to question things. It wasn't until later that I started having weird thoughts. Going to touch parts that didn't exist. Looking in the mirror and double taking because I see someone else.
I can't remember how old I was then, the past ten years have been a muddle of confusion and stress. But if you tried to tell me I am "not a transsexual" - I would have to ask you to wear my shoes for a day because I know now what the confusion was about and I am certain.
Of course it would be silly to do anything without trying it out first. I lived for a year "behind the scenes" as a girl and those were the only times I was ever truly happy. Just need to come out now so I can try living "outside" as a girl and see if this is the real thing.
To be honest the first three quarters of my life were so confusing and are now so distant that I am trying not to look back then and take too much from it. All I know is for this quarter at least I have been certain, and that is "good enough for me" at least to try this out.
(NB: would never take hormones or any potentially permanent action without a "dress rehearsal" so to speak. Just gotta find something more suitable than socks for fake boobs :P)
I knew at about 7-8 years old that something was wrong but was not sure what but i tended to play with the girls etc.it was at a dress up ball while away at a swim camp the girls conned me into going as a girl as i looked baby faced and i agreed to try it.When i walked out of the room it struck me what my problem was,finally at 13 years old the light bulb came on.There was nothing i could do about in New Zealand where i lived if i said something they would have locked me away as being nuts!!So i lived the male life with the help of some T and became this big muscular man at 280 lbs(became the mans man)when a medical problem forced the decision on me made what was to me the right decision to transition and am now a 238 lb muscular post-op lady(and now pas)but the changes came very slow at first even after going on spiro,Estro and progesterone but then after bi-orchi they came in a rush,so laineyjain go for it!!!!!!
I think there are many many facets to how and why disphoria manifests and because of the complexity, I think it would be impossible to explain even my own thoughts on the subject succinctly enough to be useful on a forum post where a single paragraph is often too many words to hold people.
I do think there is an ablative quality to dysphoria and our ability to stand against it weakens over time, regardless of how strong or weak our resolve may have been originally. I'll just say that much for now.
I am no longer trying to fight it. Most of my drive to prove is basically due to the fact that I never felt anything at all at a young age and then all the sudden, it manifested itself as crossdressing and then that wasn't enough to contain the feelings. I don't know how to explain me feeling like a man at a young age and then feeling like a girl now. It's not like I felt weird as a child and didn't know what it was. I was a boy and then some feeling inside changed. I can't explain it because it makes no sense. I like myself as Lauren so I don't want to fight against "her" any longer. I don't really have any traits internal or external that would be considered feminine, so the question of what to do seems obvious. The answer should be simple if I don't have any traits considered female then I must be a man. Somehow, I can't seem to shake the feelings and they always come back. This is the part I cannot understand and is why I fear telling others. My dysphoria does not hurt everyday but when it comes, it hurts like hell.
While I have always felt I should be a girl, my ability to fight against that notion dropped off dramatically over the last couple years before I started transitioning.
Maybe your dysphoria had been there all along but your resistance to it was so strong, or the dysphoria was so weak, that you didn't notice it? I could definitely imagine the bottom falling out of somebody's resistance to it like you describe.
Another thing you may find out is that you have some repressed memories that come into light as you break down mental barriers going through this period of self-discovery.
I don't mean to completely discount your idea, or even that there is a "nurture" component to this, but if there is, it just isn't consistent with my own experience. I can't think of a single thing that happened in my life that would have caused me to turn out this way and some of my earliest memories were about me feeling like I should be a girl. So unless something nefarious happened to me prior to age 2, this had to have been something I was born with.
Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 07:31:19 PM
By the way, masculine/feminine traits may correlate with ones gender identity but they are not directly connected, in my opinion. Just because you don't have visibly feminine traits as a mtf does not mean you don't have gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is pretty simple, if you have it, you have it; you don't have to prove yourself to anybody.
Quote from: Jen on June 25, 2010, 07:13:37 PM
While I have always felt I should be a girl, my ability to fight against that notion dropped off dramatically over the last couple years before I started transitioning.
Maybe your dysphoria had been there all along but your resistance to it was so strong, or the dysphoria was so weak, that you didn't notice it? I could definitely imagine the bottom falling out of somebody's resistance to it like you describe.
Another thing you may find out is that you have some repressed memories that come into light as you break down mental barriers going through this period of self-discovery.
I don't mean to completely discount your idea, or even that there is a "nurture" component to this, but if there is, it just isn't consistent with my own experience. I can't think of a single thing that happened in my life that would have caused me to turn out this way and some of my earliest memories were about me feeling like I should be a girl. So unless something nefarious happened to me prior to age 2, this had to have been something I was born with.
Post Merge: June 25, 2010, 07:31:19 PM
By the way, masculine/feminine traits may correlate with ones gender identity but they are not directly connected, in my opinion. Just because you don't have visibly feminine traits as a mtf does not mean you don't have gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is pretty simple, if you have it, you have it; you don't have to prove yourself to anybody.
It wasn't always there. I didn't repress it. I tried to repress when it first came into being and that worked for awhile, but eventually it stops working. Either way I don't know how it came to be, all I know is that I feel I am Lauren now. I wish I could have repressed it only so I could have something to say for why I was fine during childhood but that is not the case.
Sometimes I wonder if gender issues might come from several different conditions which all have similar symptoms, just like there can be many reasons people have the sniffles.
I can really only comment on how things went for me, and why I think I "have the sniffles" but my particular brand of GID is just that- the one I happened to get saddled with.
As a kid I was always different. Whilst my brother would go out most nights to play football or other sport, I would be playing alone or plying imaginary games. My GID did not hit until the onset of puberty. I followed what appears to be the common path of denial and abstenance before diving back into femininity. Due to low self esteem and guilt, It has taken me twenty odd years to bring the real me to the fore.
I strongly suspect that a lot of the depression and a lot of the bullying I have received, are down to my GID and my failure to confront it.
on another forum myself and several other older late transitioners have been having a ferocious long running argument with one of same age who transitioned herself at age 12 by running off to big city and getting help from drag queens!
She refuses to accept that at the same time in the UK there would hardly have been any available hormones and as for seeking out drag queens...
She hasn't openly stated that we are not genuinely transsexual but the inference is there and she says she cannot accept that we need to get surgery.
i have been fighting this feeling for along time
i played boy games, and martial arts
but it seems that this feeling is growing stronger by time and by knowing that there are some people out there like me
as you realize that there is hope to become your true self, you will try and fight to be what are you
i think internet and the availibilty of knowledge helped this urge to grow stronger