At least for me is: What is your name?
I really hate this question and it always gets asked. By everyone! I wish I had the confidence to answer with my male name in my still high female voice but I don't. Then I get annoyed because I really would rather they know me with my male name. I just don't have the confidence to own it yet.
Then I wonder if it really would matter if my voice ever does drop. I'm afraid it's more of a mental thing. I'm afraid that no matter how my voice or my hips change I'll never be able to respond to that question properly. Just like the fat kid who grows up to be skinny but still sees himself as fat forever more.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 06, 2010, 12:49:02 PM
At least for me is: What is your name?
I really hate this question and it always gets asked. By everyone! I wish I had the confidence to answer with my male name in my still high female voice but I don't. Then I get annoyed because I really would rather they know me with my male name. I just don't have the confidence to own it yet.
Then I wonder if it really would matter if my voice ever does drop. I'm afraid it's more of a mental thing. I'm afraid that no matter how my voice or my hips change I'll never be able to respond to that question properly. Just like the fat kid who grows up to be skinny but still sees himself as fat forever more.
Before I could pass well, I was usually asked why my parents gave me (malename) for a name. I just told them my parents always wanted a boy.
I remember that phase of transition.. where someone asks your name.. and you WANT to say your real name.. but you give them your girl name.. because you are too insecure, scared to tell them your male name..
but let me assure you.. over time.. you will be more confident, after a while you will refuse to give out your girl name, even if you arent passing... I told everyone in college my name was Elijah.. and most of them thought I was a girl.
When people ask, I've finally decided to screw it and just go ahead and say kyle. they look at me funny, but it doesn't seem to make people get too weird.
of course people are gonna ask you your name tho. It's far more impolite to say "hey, you with the face" :P
When I was towards the beginning of the middle/gray stage I would respond with my female name if I was in a situation where my family (who I wasn't out to) would never run into these people. Panera is a really good spot. The one near me asks for your name on an order. I've asked the person behind the counter to just push a random letter just to see the reaction of the person that has to call out the name "F." Or I'd tell them a silly name like "Mike Hunt." They more than likely won't think anything of it and it won't be a big deal.
It's worse for me at work. My nametag says my birth name and little kids who can't read ask me my name and I feel compelled to tell them my birth name because their parents, who can read, are standing right there.
Squirrel.
It might be in interesting exercise for you to start giving your male name.
Think about it. You could be standing there looking as femnine as you choose. Your feminine voice. 'What's your name please?' 'John!'. 'Did you say John?'. 'Yes, that's right. J, O, H, N, John'.
I have a feeling the reactions will be a lot more positive than you might anticipate.
Luckily for me, I hadn't used my birth name for like ever, cause I used my initals DJ for my friends, work, any new people I met. It was DJ. So if you can, use your initals, or get a gender neutral nickname until you get that confidence. In time, you'll just screw it and just start introducing yourself as you male name.
I changed my name more than a decade before I transitioned. While I have to admit that I ran into a bit of confusion and some interesting situations, there really wasn't much of that in the grand scheme of things.
You have to remember that it's much more common for a woman to have a man's name than the reverse. So if you give them a male name and they read you as female, they will likely just think that your parents were a little exotic--or, as LordKAT says, that your parents wanted/expected a boy and just stuck with the name anyway.
Remember Michael Learned, the actress from The Waltons? Glenn Close? Daryl Hannah? And Anne Rice's birth name was Howard. ;D
I waited until it was legal. Until then I used a nickname, Jay, which is the first initial of both names. Then if I didn't pass, it wasn't a big deal. I started passing about the time the name change was legal.
Jay
I know how you feel, but I promised myself when I found the name for me that's the only one i'd go by and that's what I did even though sometimes I feel it would be easier to go by my birth name as I don't pass.
Hm. Well, it's easier, I think, if your family refers to you by your given name; I had trouble answering that question with my chosen name until my mom adopted it as well. (Frabjous day!) It's also easier if your chosen name is a derivative of your birth name, as Sneakers mentioned, because then you can pass it off as a nickname.
Oh, and hey: you look pretty young. If you're in your late-teens/early-twenties, it's feasible to pass it off as your voice cracking, having a high voice. I also know plenty of cis guys who have high voices - basically, passing is maybe half about picking a story and sticking with it. Nobody, but nobody, is going to argue with a person who says they're a guy like they believe it. (At least in my experience.)
It was hard for me until about a week ago. The hard part was that I live in a little-big city where everyone seems to know me in one way or another simply because of my academics. But recently I stopped giving a flyingsquirrel and just tell them my name is Jacob.
Hardest question to answer was what my first experience with a girl was like or other questions to that effect. I usually mumble out of it but did have one time that didn't work real well.
Quote from: LordKAT on June 06, 2010, 05:44:00 PMHardest question to answer was what my first experience with a girl was like or other questions to that effect. I usually mumble out of it but did have one time that didn't work real well.
Augh, you always leave out the most interesting details!!
Guess I got lucky with questions like this one. I've been with about half a dozen women and, if asked about my first experience with a girl, can say something like, "I had a threesome with a guy and a girl. Let's just say that it would have been much better if the girl had stayed home." I can also say, quite honestly, that I've never had penetrative sex with a woman. Maybe it's best to leave it at that, and allow my questioner to fill in the blanks.
Back to names...one thing I never did figure out: when I was living as a woman, why did some people think that my first name was my last name and my last name was my first name? My last name is quite common, but it's one of the few names I've never seen used as a first name.
I once asked someone who was trying to do that. Let's say my name is Frederick Smith. She was calling me Smith Frederick. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, Frederick isn't a girls' name." I said, "But neither is Smith." She looked confused and had no answer. I guess it's just a tough problem.
Squirrel, my advice is to take the plunge. Being called by your preferred name can be so healing. Own it. Your voice will drop soon enough.
I'm assuming that you plan to change your name legally? If so, will it be soon?
I know you all are right. When people do use my real name it's a very good feeling. For example my paster when I meant with him a few days ago. Good luck ever getting my family to use the correct name. That would take some sort of miracle. But out in the world at large it's my choice. I just need some positive up in here.
Arch I do want to legally change my name. Unfortunately it's a bit of a deal breaker in my current relationship. Strange the things he chooses to get upset about. My voice can drop, not thrilled but he'll deal but change my name, all bets are off.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 06, 2010, 06:25:00 PMArch I do want to legally change my name. Unfortunately it's a bit of a deal breaker in my current relationship. Strange the things he chooses to get upset about. My voice can drop, not thrilled but he'll deal but change my name, all bets are off.
God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.
Maybe not.
I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.
Quote from: Arch on June 06, 2010, 07:18:24 PM
God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.
Maybe not.
I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.
:) your so nice :)
People have all sorts of names and nicknames. I know a lot of people who until I got on Facebook I never knew their 'real' names, or their last names, I just knew them as everybody else in that venue did. I've been called "Cat/Kat" since HS owing to doing a play in which I played (and very poorly I might add, I only got the role because I knew how to do stage choreography fencing) 'the prince of cats' which got shorted to 'cat' when I was climbing. So it's kinda weird for some people who are told to 'find cat' and assume they are looking for a girl. They get over it. I did a long time ago.
Quote from: Arch on June 06, 2010, 07:18:24 PM
God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.
Maybe not.
I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.
As usual I really appreciate the support from the whole forum and you in particular. It really does help me quite a bit. I know it's not going to be easy but I am under the firm belief that it will somehow all work out in the end. Maybe I'm being to optimistic. But I wouldn't be taking this path if I wasn't willing to lose everything. It's what I need to do.
Quote from: Damian on June 06, 2010, 07:22:46 PM
:) your so nice :)
Awww...but you might not say that if you read ALL my posts. ;)
Quote from: tekla on June 06, 2010, 07:31:05 PM
People have all sorts of names and nicknames. I know a lot of people who until I got on Facebook I never knew their 'real' names, or their last names, I just knew them as everybody else in that venue did. I've been called "Cat/Kat" since HS owing to doing a play in which I played (and very poorly I might add, I only got the role because I knew how to do stage choreography fencing) 'the prince of cats' which got shorted to 'cat' when I was climbing. So it's kinda weird for some people who are told to 'find cat' and assume they are looking for a girl. They get over it. I did a long time ago.
Until my job let me transition, I had about a half year period where customers could not conceive of me as male, but all my coworkers didn't see anything different, and I had to use my male name.
At first, I told customers that yes, really, that is my name that I was born with, the legal name i currently hold. After a few weird glares, stares, and arguments, I switched over to "I go by" and it changed to laughs, smiles, and it wasn't a deal at all.
I think women using male nicknames works a lot easier than male using female names... try it sometime.
Quote from: Squirrel698 on June 06, 2010, 07:33:31 PMBut I wouldn't be taking this path if I wasn't willing to lose everything. It's what I need to do.
FWIW, I've run into very few people who feel that they did indeed lose "everything," and as far as I know, those folks do feel that they gained themselves and, given a do-over, would follow the same path regardless. I know some people who say they lost the "thing" (could be a person) that mattered most. Sometimes the loss is temporary. Sometimes we acclimate to the loss surprisingly quickly. Other times, no.
But I think that most of us have to get to the point where we are willing to risk everything. In a lot of ways, that's a very uncomfortable place to be; you might call it rock bottom. But then you're free to start finding yourself...and that can be incredibly liberating, even if you have to juggle it along with fear, frustration, exasperation, concern for others, and still more fear.
You'll get through this winter by storing up one nut at a time. :D
True that, I work with one Mel (Melanie), a Vic (Victoria), and a Big Mike (Michelle), and a few who go by their initials, and several who go by their last names. But I also have a Rhonda (Ron, we already had one) and a Weasel Nipples who made the mistake of saying that he would rather be called Weasel Nipples then the nickname we gave him - a mistake you only make once.
Quote from: tekla on June 06, 2010, 07:52:21 PM
But I also have a Rhonda (Ron, we already had one) and a Weasel Nipples who made the mistake of saying that he would rather be called Weasel Nipples then the nickname we gave him - a mistake you only make once.
He must have quite an imagination to even think up something like that. Does he have more than two nipples? I think weasels do. ::)
Now I'm wondering what the original nickname was. I'm willing to venture that it wasn't Bigguth Dickuth.
Today, someone asked my name and for the first time, I used my guy name. He never questioned it. Even got into an argument with his sister when his sister called me "m'am". He said, "No, that's a sir."
It was something that incorporated the name of the lighting company we all hate, who he worked for at the time.
Quote from: jmaxley on June 06, 2010, 08:30:37 PM
Today, someone asked my name and for the first time, I used my guy name. He never questioned it. Even got into an argument with his sister when his sister called me "m'am". He said, "No, that's a sir."
Enough male clues, and people will start seeing you as a guy. Maybe a flamey homoguy, but that's progress!
Eventually, name, voice, breasts/lack thereof, clothing, haircut, etc, starts pulling you towards your transition-to presentation. Just takes time for the whole package to come together.
Quote from: Autumn on June 06, 2010, 08:39:54 PM
Enough male clues, and people will start seeing you as a guy. Maybe a flamey homoguy, but that's progress!
Eventually, name, voice, breasts/lack thereof, clothing, haircut, etc, starts pulling you towards your transition-to presentation. Just takes time for the whole package to come together.
Maybe when I have a full beard, I'll start seeing what other people see. I still wonder why people don't guess. What a weird hang-up...but I guess it happens to a lot of us, at least at first.
The name question kills me to.
I had to phone up a tech support the other day and since my name isn't legally changed, I had to use my birth name. It was like stabbing myself in the heart.
I know it's a hard thing to start doing.. but if there are people out there named Fifi Trixibelle, Moxie CrimeFighter, Apple, Audio Science, or any of the names Frank Zappa named his kids.. really how weird can you be? I used to make a joke of it and say that at least my dad didn't get his wish to name me Babe Ruth.
Quote from: Lachlann on June 07, 2010, 01:26:01 AM
The name question kills me to.
I had to phone up a tech support the other day and since my name isn't legally changed, I had to use my birth name. It was like stabbing myself in the heart.
I HATE when I HAVE to use my birthname.. I was getting new glasses the other day, and I had to use my birth name.. and the guy.. being polite.. kept using my name over and over and over ughghg
You could try "Well everyone calls me XXX". Works for me.
Quote from: tekla on June 07, 2010, 10:37:46 PM
You could try "Well everyone calls me XXX". Works for me.
Triple ex!?
BAD. ASS.
Everyone but you, you have to kick ass to be vin after all.
Oh yeah, he does have a full time job and a career being him. Not a minor point.
I feel u, I feel the same way.
I went to get a gym membership with my friend &she introduced me as my preferred name. But then we got the membership &I was like I think I have to tell the lady my birth name. The name on my id cause she asked for id, but the name on the membership is my preferred name. Can you say trouble, ugh. I got to get on that legal name change.
:/
I only introduce myself as my preferred name to ppl my age, at a party or something not formal. Or else at places like, the gym, doctor, etc I have to use my birth name.
Ugh...
Well, what I did was change my name by deed poll to Alex. It's a kind of gender neutral name so I can just say it and let them think what they like about my gender. My full name is going to be Alexander Micheal. But I am not changing it to that until after I have started hormones and had my top surgery.
I can't have anyone using my birth name ever - it makes me extremely depressed.
I'm in the last legs of getting my name changed everywhere. Some places make it really easy, some places make it rather tedious. Most of the people I've dealt with have been very polite and professional, and in some cases when they learned my new name they used it immediately.
I only had one annoying incident, a lady at the DMV; she was really nosy about it, asking if I'd gotten married. I said, no, so she kept pressing as to why I'd change my 'pretty name', and saying my old name, and I finally just stared at her and said, "Because this (my new name) is my real name and that's all the reason I need." She got rather huffy with me after that, but geez!
Quote from: M.Grimm on June 09, 2010, 09:48:37 PM
I only had one annoying incident, a lady at the DMV; she was really nosy about it, asking if I'd gotten married. I said, no, so she kept pressing as to why I'd change my 'pretty name'
people are so annoying.. and nosy. Its your life.. who cares if some random stranger things that your old name is 'pretty' ugh.. people sometimes
I think people are just trying (though I have zero idea why they bother) to give a damn and care a bit. Would your life really be better if no one cared?
In my case, I don't think the DMV lady was trying to 'care'. I'm going from a feminine name to a masculine name; I'm early in transition and I do not pass yet. If she'd only said it once I would have rolled my eyes and moved on, but she kept picking on the matter, like she was trying to needle me for giving up a pretty and feminine name.
All the other people I've dealt with during this name change (and this has been around a dozen) have been polite and pleasant, with some commenting on my interesting and nice new name. Those were the ones who showed some caring and I did appreciate them quite a bit.
I just use my male name around my friends who know about my situation.
There are still some places that I need to introduce myself with my birthname.
So have'nt been so hard for me to use my male name.
I hadn't introduce myself to anyone new since I started transition, so...I really can't say how hard will this be for me.
This never really happened to me, as soon as I came out I introduced myself to everyone new I met at Carson. Maybe I'm just reckless? at least that is what my school counselor said in regard to my entire coming out process. I think for me I was also compensating and trying to show up my family who still referred to me as my birth name, so I tod even the people they might come into contact with that my name was carson so that my family would have to deal with the awkwardness not me.
My friends refuse to use my male name. >:(
Quote from: jmaxley on June 11, 2010, 08:50:34 PM
My friends refuse to use my male name. >:(
your friends SUCK
Quote from: jmaxley on June 11, 2010, 08:50:34 PMMy friends refuse to use my male name. >:(
Eventually, that will just make them look stupid. But they don't sound very friendly...
Yeah, they're not going to be my friends much longer if they don't get with the program.
I don't care about my name as I've always gone by Jay or Jac... What I think is the worst question is 'are you a boy or a girl?' by any age, any gender anyone!
I always think what if I say a boy and they don't believe me? And come up with tonnes of other equally offensive questions!! And there's a snowball's chance in hell I'm saying girl... Even living as a female in society it was hard up to get me to say girl!
I used to get very offended, especially in the ladies room in public - I used to just grab the chesticles and say 'whataya call these?!!'.. Now I'm a little more subtle, I usually go with 'what do you think?' and depending on what they say sets the theme for the rest of the conversation... If I'm still talking to them! I have found this tact especially helpful with kids as 9 times outta 10 short hair and a deep voice = boy :)
Quote from: Aussie Jay on June 14, 2010, 01:56:36 AM
What I think is the worst question is 'are you a boy or a girl?' by any age, any gender anyone!
I had a kid at my daughter's daycare ask me that a couple of weeks ago. Right in front of my daughter (who doesn't know yet). I didn't want to lie and say "I'm a girl" and also reinforce any confusion my daughter may feel when I come out to her, but I also couldn't go ahead and say "I'm a boy" without explaining to my daughter (which I wasn't ready to do at that point). I fought with myself for 5 seconds that felt like 5 minutes, and eventually mumbled "girl" and grabbed my daughter's stuff and started heading for the door with her. I'm sure to her and everyone around us it probably didn't stand out as "weird" in any way, as it was all said and done with so quickly it was barely noticeable. But to *me* it was a horrible situation that I felt I handled poorly, and wished I'd thought up something better to say like "I'm {daughter's name}'s Mom" (which is true regardless my gender, and doesn't leave any difficult explaining to be done), but by the time I thought of that, it was hours later and I'd already tortured myself over it for too long as it was... Gah, just one of those "fun" transition experiences. :P
i hate that question >.<, it makes me feel so awkward, i always end up hating myself for telling them my name i was born with. They always give me that stare ¬_¬ I dont pass well enough atm, so maybe with time and if i gain confidence i might actually be able to give them my male name.
Just use the Elephant Man line: "I'm a human being!"
Or - if your special, and I am, I even had a special ed program set up just for me at school - say: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Then let them show you theirs and say: "I lied."
Quote from: tekla on June 18, 2010, 03:13:13 PM
Or - if your special, and I am, I even had a special ed program set up just for me at school - say: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Then let them show you theirs and say: "I lied."
I laughed *heartily* out loud at this one, thanks for injecting some humor! ;D
Quote from: tekla on June 18, 2010, 03:13:13 PM
Just use the Elephant Man line: "I'm a human being!"
This I like :)
I've told people before "I'll just be Jay - how about that?" I hate the fact that I'm supposed to fit in one box or the other and I don't feel like I belong in either sometimes!!