Its a long story but here it goes Its more of from a personal standpoint in my own experiences. It has sort of messed up my views of women ranging anywhere from fear of being feminized as a social adjunct, kolpophobia, and so forth. This fear then turned into ->-bleeped-<- which I suppressed seeing at is being unhealthy mindset. So I have become more or less neurotic about things and have not really expressed my true self. Its wierd that I explain it this way but my misogyny stemmed not because I hated women but I had a neurotic vagina envy. To put it quite tranquilly this thread was not made as it appears to be but more of an expression of what I am not. I lived in a very hierarchical household and was in my mind constantly beaten. I feared women but I was envious of the fact that I had to constantly work and be beaten at the whims of authority. I was and still am a very intelligent person who has been able to finally diagnosis that I hated authority because it expressed my own intellectual expression of self. I know it within me and it has harmed as a person and how I relate to myself this is where being unsure of myself comes into play. Don't want to sound stupid or anything just expressing my point and being true and to the point not worrying about what others might think. I have always felt that I needed to express my ->-bleeped-<- point of view.. It actually ended up hindering me in developing as a person. The more I think from women's point of view the more calm I am with myself, clearer thinking, less aggressive and more accepting of people. I am afraid though that me getting to comfortable with this mindset might end up being the end of my masculinity so you can probably see why I have been a misogynist in the past I have vagina envy and the more I think about the more I like seeing myself with a feminine personality. I find that I am losing control of myself and wish to keep my masculine traits that would otherwise be ridiculed if I try to embrace my feminine side which allows me to communicate and relate better with myself. Maybe you woman can help me out. Maybe I am just neurotic about this issue
Hi steel :)
Quote from: spacial on June 08, 2010, 11:22:53 AM
Hi steel :)
Do I have a problem or something I find it a bit disturbing that I want to be a girl but at the same time it almost makes me feel excited and it stimulates me. Its almost like I have lost control I have really never been sure of my own sexuality and I have actually become a misogynist because of my vagina envy. I did not realize I was having this problem that was at the beginning of my early stages of sexual awareness and I have suppressed it first off because I thought it was immoral second off because of my parents and thirdly because of society. Whenever I wish to release that inner girl in me it makes me feel calm, rational, and almost have a nicer attitude. I used to think like a macho man to hide my true feelings but now I am actually liking the feminine way of thinking and I don't really want to but I can't help it.
May I suggest that you seek out a Trans-friendly counselor to discuss some of these issues with and maybe work them out? We are just a bunch of strangers on the internet, and while we can give you advice, we as a group are not really qualified to answer the question in your topic.
When you feel inside of you a difference that expresses itself in contradiction to social morays, you eventually have to make a choice - to be your true self, or fall in line with what society thinks you should be. The first road is hard and will likely include difficulty and tears. The second road is possible...for a while...and will likely include difficulty and tears. Many end up at the first road again, just years later. Speaking from experience here...
Welcome to the forums and good luck on your path.
Quote from: steel75583212 on June 08, 2010, 11:33:56 AM
Do I have a problem or something I find it a bit disturbing that I want to be a girl but at the same time it almost makes me feel excited and it stimulates me. Its almost like I have lost control I have really never been sure of my own sexuality and I have actually become a misogynist because of my vagina envy. I did not realize I was having this problem that was at the beginning of my early stages of sexual awareness and I have suppressed it first off because I thought it was immoral second off because of my parents and thirdly because of society. Whenever I wish to release that inner girl in me it makes me feel calm, rational, and almost have a nicer attitude. I used to think like a macho man to hide my true feelings but now I am actually liking the feminine way of thinking and I don't really want to but I can't help it.
Most of the experiences you have described I can relate to.
Nothing wrong with how you feel at all. There's loads of information and support here.
With respect to Sabene, I don't hold with counselors. But take your time and decide what you want to do.
I'd also suggest you talk to trans-friendly therapists. They are the only people who can properly diagnose you.
Quote from: spacial on June 08, 2010, 12:15:58 PM
With respect to Sabene, I don't hold with counselors.
You know, that would probably make for a good topic if it has not already been discussed to death here. :) My experience with TG counselors has been wonderful and I felt they helped me a lot, but I know that there are folk out there who have not had great experiences.
Welcome to the group dude. (or chick, the jury is still out on that)
You need a therapist trained in gender issues. You definatly have some stuff to work out before I think you can safely say you are trans or not.
And I would sugest that you not bring the subject of ->-bleeped-<- up around here. The theory is not well recieved here or in most trans friendly spaces and circles. **(deleted my opinion of a certain couple of psychologists)**
Anyways this is a good place full of good people.
Quote from: steel75583212 on June 08, 2010, 11:33:56 AM
Do I have a problem or something I find it a bit disturbing that I want to be a girl but at the same time it almost makes me feel excited and it stimulates me.
I used to deal with a similar feeling. When I first started dressing up and taking hormones I would get aroused by it. It always frustrated me and made me second guess my motives despite the fact that I had always hated my birth sex. After being on hormones for a while that feeling disappeared though. It's just a matter of testosterone telling your body something that conflicts with what's going on in your head.
Hi Steel,
When I first started experiencing gender variant feelings at like 4 years old, they would never arouse me . It wasn't until I reached puberty that I began to find the idea of myself as a full-fledged female sexually arousing. Testosterone does crazy things to a person. Indeed for a teenage girl with a male body, I found almost anything sexually arousing. For many years, that made me believe that my GID was just all about sex, and in my late teens I went on a whirlwind tour of sexual escapades with nearly any guy who would have me, and one or two girls...
A few years later, my libido really dropped for some reason. I was no longer sexually interested in anybody - I wasn't checking guys or girls out anymore, and I was also sexually diinterested in my wife. Yet I still had these intense gender dysphoric feelings. I knew then, that my GID had nothing to with sexual desire, but everything to do with identity, and that's when I resolved to transition. After about 9 months of HRT my libido returned, in a different way. Today I fantasize about being with men sexually - but that's not the same as saying that the idea of being physically female in itself is a turn-on, because for me it's not.
As others have said, seeing a gender therapist will help - the therapist will draw the answers from you, if they are there.
For now, one question you should ask yourself is this. If you were to never, ever want sex again (which is quite possible with HRT) could you still bear to live as a male? Would you still want to transition? I think a good litmus test would be for you to find a compassionate doctor who is willing to prescribe you with androgen blockers. Those androgen blockers will basically annihilate your sex drive. If you take androgen blockers for a couple of months then you can gauge just how important the sexual aspect is in your desire to express your femininity. You may lose interest althogether in transitioning when your libido has disappeared. Or it may work the other way - it may give you a reason, beyond sexual reasons, to take your transition to the next level.
Good luck Steel! :)
Seems to me like you really hate yourself for a number of reasons. Call it spiritual tosh if you will, but I think that, first of all, you'll need to accept the negative feelings. All of them. Work out the why of it, and give it a place in your identity.
Get some peace with yourself. And even better, stop judging yourself.
After that, you'll be able to get a much clearer view on what causes what. You have to get right and wrong out of it.
For a time, I've been as manly as I could. It was quite hard, and really unforgiving, and left some scars on me that will never be healed. Okay. So that happened. I've learnt from it. And I know now that it was nothing but overcompensation for something I wasn't, and wasn't fit for, either. I've sought for advantages of being a man, and found some. (Physical. Strength, endurance, regeneration rate, reaction speed.) I tried to put them up against the physical advantages of being a woman. (Very little to speak of, really. More resistance versus illness.) On that basis, I forced myself to 'be a man' after the whole violence parade. After all; from the world I came from, a woman would probably not have survived.
But.. I accepted that this was not good enough for me. That my saviour had been my own haunting demon, and now is a time where I need a different kind of saviour. (Not a deity; It's just a manner of speech. :P)
It's not to say that my story is like yours; it is most definitely not. For one; I have never had much of a 'sex-drive.' I don't really understand a sex drive, to be honest, though I've never been devoid of sex. I have a very strong intimacy drive, and sex just happens to be a very strong expression of intimacy. Also, our situations are completely different. But I think for everyone, the first step is to accept who and what we are, even if in the face of self-loathing.
I can't say I've ever been excited at the idea of being a woman - it's more like I was always unhappy at not being one.
If the idea of losing your masculine side is worrying you then I have to say that doesn't sound like transsexualism as most of us just try to walk away from the male life never to really return even if we do retain the ability to be first class mechanics, plumbers, builders etc.
But then as we don't know your age you may fear losing the maleside as thats what earns yoru daily bread and keeps you safe in the city.