Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well I mentioned it, got a "go for it" and I'm curious anyway. So it's in the FTM board but I don't think there's any reason MTFs and such shouldn't vote.

Edit: Well I figured I should answer my own poll. Voted "Not at all." I've been depressed, perhaps not as severely as all of you guys but I've always considered cutting a level too low for me to stoop to. Never saw a point in it. (No offense to any of you intended, of course.)

I said not anymore, but can't say for sure.  I did it mostly when I was 16-19, but then would do it once or twice a year since then.  I haven't felt the urge to do it at all since I started transitioning, so I'm hoping it's a thing of the past.

I've voted not at all, but I imagine I'll be in the minority.

I have wanted to before, but I've never cut myself.

I voted Not anymore. I used to, i believe i had 29 cuts on one arm and 21 on another.. they kind of faded away.. but still noticeable..  :( :-X

Yes.  I try not too...usually it's only when the depression or anger or frustration or whatever is really really bad.

I self harmed very frequently between the ages of 14 and 18. I became dependent on it as a coping method. It would be all I could think about. It actually consumed me for quite a while. Very much an addiction for me.

Since transitioning, I haven't really felt the need to do it anymore. I made no effort to quit, I just don't do it anymore. I remember when I used to try and quit, I'd feel so depressed and always gave into the temptation.

Saying that though, I don't really like to say that I've quit as such, just that I don't really do it anymore. I still self harm on very rare occasions. Usually due to anger. I don't see it as a problem anymore though.

http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj (http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj) That's the less scarred side, the other side had stitches at that time, don't want to trigger anyone.

Used to do it pretty bad, had to be hospitalized a number of times. Now I've got what's been described as 'tiger stripes' or 'lattice pie' from the shoulder down to the wrists on both sides of my arms, and 20K in medical debt, to show for it. The left side is scars on top of scars, so the whole thing is just a ripply-scar-y mess reminiscent of what you'd find on a burn victim, with some minor nerve damage. :(

The last time I did was sometime in June of last year... Which makes, yeah, a year, which is the longest I've gone without doing it. The occasion that happened a year ago was also the first time in three months that I'd done it, so it had already gotten fewer and farther between. I actually haven't even thought about doing it either, so I'm going with a hopeful 'never again'.

Quote from: Cairus on June 16, 2010, 07:16:42 PM
http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj (http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj)

F***. Best of luck breaking the habit.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 16, 2010, 07:18:41 PM
Best of luck breaking the habit.

I said not anymore, but don't hold me to that. I never did it more than a couple times a year, and it's been less than a year since the last time. I only have one noticeable scar (suicide line on the left wrist) and some wide but flat scars on my leg. Most of my cuts healed to near complete invisibility.

Quote from: LucienOctopus on June 16, 2010, 06:46:42 PM
I have wanted to before, but I've never cut myself.

same

Yeah, don't do it. Cutting yourself is stupid. No offense to anyone that does, but it really is.

I've been tempted to, but I haven't ever done it.  I don't plan on it either.

I picked not at all. I can't even figure out how it helps in any way or why I would do it.

Theoretically not anymore-- it's definitely not something I make a regular habit of, anymore. It's not something I want to claim as a part of my identity. However, old habits die hard-- I declared myself "done" with self-harm something like four years ago, but it still crops up from time to time.

It's gotten a lot better since I started college, though. I'm in a lot better space, now, and I've developed much better coping mechanisms. On the rare occassions that I have hurt myself over the last couple years, it's been more of a one-time-deal at the hardest of hard times rather than a messy chain reaction like it used to be. I still feel guilty saying "never again" though, because I know I'll just make myself feel worse if I do it again. I don't plan on doing it again, but that's an intention, not a decree.

Quote from: Nygeel on June 16, 2010, 08:14:31 PM
I picked not at all. I can't even figure out how it helps in any way or why I would do it.

It's a release.
There are both physical and psychological reasons as to why it works. It releases a load of "feel good" chemicals in your brain.
It's a very hard thing to explain and I'm going to bed lol.

Quote from: Ryan on June 16, 2010, 08:30:23 PM
It's a release.
There are both physical and psychological reasons as to why it works. It releases a load of "feel good" chemicals in your brain.
It's a very hard thing to explain and I'm going to bed lol.

I know that's how people explain it and I understand that it's what people say but when applying it to myself and who I am it doesn't work/make sense.

Confusing for me to explain.

Forgot to add this to my first post...  There was a short period of time not too long ago that I indulged in a different brand of self-harm.  I used to punch myself hard in the gut, as hard as I could stand it.  Didn't leave any visible scars, but one time I did hit myself hard enough to feel it for a few days.  I haven't felt the urge to hit myself in a while though.

Not anymore... not since I decided I didn't want to die afterall. I get urges sometimes though, and I'm pretty susceptible to triggers. I used to cut with a razor blade or a box cutter and one time I cut one of the main arteries in my arm, that was not a fun day XD. I really want these scars to go away but I guess they will stay there to haunt me forever and remind me of what I did :S

I used to cut as a teenager. I had a few shards of obsidian rock (glass-like sharpness) that I used to cut my arms and legs. It was only ever a few cuts each time, and not very deep. I wasn't to the point (at that time) of trying to damage myself, I just needed the feeling of the sharp pain, the endorphins, and to watch the cuts heal over the days that followed.

In my later teen years, when things were really bad at home, I started burning my skin (hands, arms, legs, feet), or scratching through the skin til the point of bleeding. With those activities, it wasn't about the sensation, it was about the damage done. I would pick at the scabs instead of letting them heal, causing some scars that are still with me to this day (some 15 - 20 years later), while the cutting scars are completely gone (except for one on my ankle).

Haven't cut or burned (or scratched) in at least 12 years, although sometimes when things have gotten bad I've bitten myself for the pain sensation (but without breaking skin). Overall I'd consider myself totally over the self-harming behavior, as the biting doesn't cause any damage, and it's more of just a comfort thing than a coping mechanism. If that makes any sense.

I could never cut myself. Too afraid.

I marked not anymore but I didn't really seriously cut myself. I gave myself a few minor scratches that have left no marks on my legs. I am pretty sure that I did it for attention, it was right after puberty hit and I was seriously depressed and angry and no one noticed. I just wanted someone to notice that something was wrong.

Wow, it does look like we have a lot of cutters/former cutters here so far.

Its on and off, but i don't cut my arms anymore. The scars they leave are very visible, and go up all my left arm, with one very large scar closer to the inside of my elbow . I used to cut like everyday, now i only do it when i'm feeling really depressed. The newest scars are mostly on my chest. 
Its my coping method, its stupid, its dumb, its pointless, but it helps with the anger.
I also get the same release when i get hit in the face by a soccer ball or get punched. It makes me feel weirdly alive.

Quote from: aydan_boy on June 17, 2010, 12:11:45 AM
Its on and off, but i don't cut my arms anymore. The scars they leave are very visible, and go up all my left arm, with one very large scar closer to the inside of my elbow . I used to cut like everyday, now i only do it when i'm feeling really depressed. The newest scars are mostly on my chest. 
Its my coping method, its stupid, its dumb, its pointless, but it helps with the anger.
I also get the same release when i get hit in the face by a soccer ball or get punched. It makes me feel weirdly alive.

Suggestion: work out. Work yourself to exhaustion, it's potentially difficult, painful, but satisfying. And it benefits you physically. If you can't lift or anything, a good hard run helps with anger. Kicking the ground :laugh:

I like to think I'm in recovery cause I never know when I'm going to fall off that wagon. But since starting transitioning, I haven't had the urge to. Crossing my fingers that I'll never do it again

I havent cut, Im too scared :D

The first time I saw my psychologist, he asked if I cut myself and when I said no he came back saying that "cutting and self harm is more of a female thing"  :-\ I reckon he was probably just trying to make me not start cutting tho haha  :P Cause plenty of boys cut, just as well as girls.

I put not anymore I haven't done for a few years but still have scars on my legs from it and do still get the urge to do it sometimes but so far I haven't, that last time I self harmed I took a few layers off my leg with my own finger nails and yeah it got infected it was VERY painfull to walk and I had to go to my drs and get it treated and go back every few days to have the dressing changed.

I cut sometimes.. it helps me release my anger and frustration.

but

I have switched to being a masochist and allowing my other S&M friends punch me around, choke me, and sometimes my boyfriend punches me in the face and I really enjoy it.. and I think if i was really upset, that would be more effective then cutting for me.

Thanks SilverFang. The minute I can sign up for boxing or soccer again, I will.

I kind of agree with your (harlee's) psychologist. Cutting is more of a girl thing. Woman are (to a point) more emotional then men, especially during the teen years, and more prone to depression as well.

Quote from: aydan_boy on June 17, 2010, 12:42:54 AM
Thanks SilverFang. The minute I can sign up for boxing or soccer again, I will.

I kind of agree with your (harlee's) psychologist. Cutting is more of a girl thing. Woman are (to a point) more emotional then men, especially during the teen years, and more prone to depression as well.

:) Speaking from a non-cutter viewpoint of course.

Gotta say though, I've only ever known female cutters. Guys I know think it's a sissy move. No offense intended. They get frustrated and they punch/kick things because well, it works.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 17, 2010, 02:56:12 AMThey get frustrated and they punch/kick things because well, it works.

I can attest to this. It rarely works, though.

Quote from: Lachlann on June 17, 2010, 02:58:18 AM
I can attest to this. It rarely works, though.

More or less probably works as well as cutting. Just assuming.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 17, 2010, 03:00:47 AM
More or less probably works as well as cutting. Just assuming.

Probably.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 17, 2010, 02:56:12 AM
:) Speaking from a non-cutter viewpoint of course.

Gotta say though, I've only ever known female cutters. Guys I know think it's a sissy move. No offense intended. They get frustrated and they punch/kick things because well, it works.

Sorry to break in - I haven't voted as I don't want to skew the results but this conversation made me smile. Apparently that's one area where I still qualify as an honorary guy then  :-\ Even today when I get really upset I will punch or kick the living **** out of something! Can be very theraputic - feel sorry for my poor pillow!

Mind you I do always try to make sure it is an inanimate object as I don't really like interpersonal violence.

Stangely enough I have also known a lot of MtF's who cut. Personally I never saw the point when from my perspective the problem usually wasn't me it was everyone else!

I voted "not at all", since I've never cut my wrists. I've cut my fingers, because I didn't want to kill myself; I just wanted to feel real pain. It really actually did help me to let go of my feelings that day, but I don't think I'll ever try to cut my wrists.

I have to say, I'm surprised how many people voted "not at all".

Quote from: aydan_boy on June 17, 2010, 12:11:45 AM
Its on and off, but i don't cut my arms anymore. The scars they leave are very visible, and go up all my left arm, with one very large scar closer to the inside of my elbow . I used to cut like everyday, now i only do it when i'm feeling really depressed. The newest scars are mostly on my chest. 
Its my coping method, its stupid, its dumb, its pointless, but it helps with the anger.
I also get the same release when i get hit in the face by a soccer ball or get punched. It makes me feel weirdly alive.

Yeah, I find that I never cut when I have a lot of healthy physical social outlets - contact sports with guys, wrestling and play-fighting, etc. The times in my life when I've cut the most have been when I've isolated myself or when my friends have insisted on treating me like a delicate little flower. The times I've cut the least have been when I was doing stuff like firefighting or aircraft maintenance (accumulating several minor injuries each day) and then socializing as 'one of the guys' on my off time.

I wish working out did the same thing for me, but I think what I'm going for is the adrenaline, not the endorphins. Skiing and skydiving do it...running just makes me feel like hell, and lifting is great but doesn't affect me that way. I think it's that I don't use cutting as a painkiller, I use it as a stimulant.

I voted not anymore. I cut from 14 to 17. Like Ryan it was an addiction for me, it consumed my life while I was doing it. My arms and legs are really scarred up.

Even though I said not anymore I still occasionally do it but it's so rare thses days.

by the way, I've known several cis guys who cut. There's an enormous social stigma against it, much more so than for girls (who can usually find other girls who self-harm), because it is seen as a "sissy" move. But that doesn't mean guys don't do it. We do it, and then we join right in on the bandwagon making fun of the "emo kids who cut themselves." If we have any friends left to joke with at that point, anyway - depression and social isolation seem to be major common factors in male cutting.

From my experience, the stigma of cutting doesn't really know gender. People just like to make fun of anyone who exhibits 'emo' behaviour.

I used to be a cutter a long time ago..about 15 years ago. I was highly emotional and suicidal. All the therapists and docs thought it was cause I had bi-polar or massive depression. I found it out it was neither...I was transgendered and damned frustrated.

Well, girls who cut are definitely stigmatized by girls who don't cut. But it's a little different for boys - the boys who call cutters "sissies" and "emo kids" may very well be cutters themselves. It's a similar dynamic to male homophobia.

I wish we didn't feel the need to reinforce the 'gender stereotype' of self mutilation/harm. (i.e., 'cutting is a very female thing to do'. Erhm. Last I heard, it was a 'very disturbing/painful thing that People In Need Of Help to do'.)

Contrary to what posters here have stated reinforcing this, the only other people I've known who actually had a serious cutting problem, were GUYS, cis or trans. I've known less women who did it, and zero who actually had to be hospitalized as a result. I figured it was because guys tend not to readily cry, or vent/express themselves as a way of relieving tension the way women are conditioned to, thus turn to more violent ways of expressing pain(I consider punching things until your hands are bloody to be similar if not the same, thing. A violent/damaging action that creates the sensation of 'release', a chemical coping method for the emotionally maladjusted.) But any of these personal findings is so utterly opinionated/subjective/inconclusive anyway.

Cutting was always about anger for me, I did it when I was angry at myself.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 17, 2010, 02:56:12 AM
They get frustrated and they punch/kick things because well, it works.

I used to do this more often than the little scratches. I remember one time I punched a steel shelf in home depot and almost broke my hand. That wasn't fun.

I agree on physical exertion helping-- Martial arts has always helped a lot for me. However, I'm only involved in that off and on, due to time and money constraints. Most any kind of exercise will do, though, as long as it's enjoyable and leaves me feeling tired, sore, and accomplished.

That's more of a preventative measure than anything, though, so it needs to be regular enough to keep me from getting to the point where I feel like hurting myself. It doesn't work to calm me back down once I've already worked myself up to the point of wanting to hurt myself.

...sometimes I can calm myself back down by going for a long walk with loud music, though, because that combines physical movement with distraction and gets me away from my house (which is usually the source of my frustration as well as the easiest place for me to find things to hurt myself). As long as I'm able to take a walk, I'm usually okay. The problem arises when for whatever reason, walking is not an option. (Such as in the middle of the night, or while I'm in the middle of something that I really can't just stop.)

Quote from: Lachlann on June 17, 2010, 05:06:00 AM
From my experience, the stigma of cutting doesn't really know gender. People just like to make fun of anyone who exhibits 'emo' behaviour.

Same.  And for me, I wasn't looking for a release.  I was tempted to do it because I hated myself and wanted to injure myself. :-\  Luckily I always talked myself out of it.

For getting rid of anger I like to go biking until I'm exhausted!  Then I'm too tired to be upset.

I tagged "not anymore" but I have a razor in the drawer... just in case...

I know 2 people who cut, my friend (male) and daughter. Until about 5 years ago, I never heard of this cutting thing. I have an ex who liked shooting himself tho. He finally died from it.

i cant vote cos this phone im having to usewont let me but between the ages of 14 and 20 i cut myself a lot. then i calmed down but still did it. think the last time was 15 months ago and i went way too deep and long cos something distracted me and the blade slipped. So almost 22 years of cutting. SInce i saw my gp about transitioning ive only felt the urge once though. Ive tried exercise and various other ways over the years but other than punching a wall til i break my knuckles nothing else comes close

I marked "yes" because, even though my last actual cut was several months ago, I still punch myself/punch really hard things when I get depressed. I don't like to think that cutting is segregated to females, but I'll admit that estrogen does make people a lot more irrational and likely to do that sort of thing.

Self-harmed for years and years. Sorting out my gender identity has helped a great deal - my head's in a better place. I do have quite a few tattoos, which are arguably a more positive release (and also improve my self-image).

I know, it's just a stereotype. I was inclined to believe it because I've known female cutters but no males. Maybe I just ended up with insane females and attracted sane males. (If there was a shrug emote, I would put it here.)

I've known a few guys that cut. Thing with the guys is they hide it better. Some do their legs or inner thighs rather than with females who go for the easiest access, the wrists and/or arms. They also make up better excuses for the scars...Ohhhh!! That? That's where I fell off my motorcycle when I was 18!

Quote from: Bones on June 17, 2010, 03:41:05 PM
I've known a few guys that cut. Thing with the guys is they hide it better. Some do their legs or inner thighs rather than with females who go for the easiest access, the wrists and/or arms. They also make up better excuses for the scars...Ohhhh!! That? That's where I fell off my motorcycle when I was 18!

My ex used to cut on her thighs so no one would see them.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 17, 2010, 03:28:59 PM
I know, it's just a stereotype. I was inclined to believe it because I've known female cutters but no males. Maybe I just ended up with insane females and attracted sane males. (If there was a shrug emote, I would put it here.)

just as far as ive noticed, it's more acceptable for guys to wear long sleeves and/or pants in warm weather, so you maybe just don't see it as much.

also the whole "talking about your emtotions" thing.


Yes.. don't like admitting it.
But i've been trying to stop. So far i've found I can go about 4 months before the preasure outweighs my alternate coping skills.
meh.
i dont want to do this anymore, so yeah i'm gonna make it a point to quit.

I have been self-harming since I was nine or ten. It started with holding my arms against hot lightbulbs until the skin blistered and then keeping the scab going for as long as I could, and it progressed when I was around 11 or 12 to cutting and more serious burning.  I still cut sometimes.
I do it when I feel like no one understands what I am going through and my head is going to blow off. It makes me feel a lot better.

started cutting at around 11/12, did it for a loooong time. Then I started to sort out my feelings and my depression and it stopped for a few years; aaand then I got pregnant and I'm doing it again >.>

I cutted  a lot in 7th grade and got sent to a place for it. I didn't really know why I just said I got bored and couldn't think of anything happy. THEy just said I had servere depression. I didn't think feeling like a boy was a good excuse so I didn't say that. THEy just put me on medicine but I stopped that.

Hey guys, speaking of kicking and smashing stuff.....

I smashed in the window on my back door.  I didn't even kick it that hard but I guess I don't know my strength when I'm mad.  At least its an excuse for me to finally put a cat door in.

yes, i used to quite alot, but now i probably cut on very rare ocaasions. My scars have completely covered my arm from my wrist up to my shoulder. I need plastic surgery to fix it as the scars were very deep and left very bad scarring that is very noticeable. I'd advise anyone wanting to cut, to not do it as it can become an addiction like it did for me, and once you finally get over it, you'll be left with horrendous scars for the rest of your life :(

Never actually cut myself... Too scared of doing permanent damage. But I've come closer than I'd care to admit. :-\

Mostly though, I'd go one of two routes... 1. Start snapping at my wrists with a rubber band until they bruised... 2. Claw at my arms hard enough to leave scratch marks. Buuut my boyfriend wasn't too pleased when he found out about those little habits. :icon_no: So I've been forced to quit... And I've succeeded except for a few relapses. :-\ My new problem right now is picking at any small scratches/marks/bug bites I have until they bleed, scab, and scar... :-X

I guess you  could say that I still do cut. I use to hurt myself very extensively, but when I started dating and becoming sexually active, I couldn't do it as much or by using my preferred methods. I went from  cutting multiple times a day to once every few months when I've had an  exceptionally bad day.

I've only cut a few times.  I can see the appeal.  However what I'm more likely to do is scald myself with extremely hot water down there.  It is more or less punishment to my body / genitals for being the way it is.  I've had burns halfway down my thighs from the water.  Unfortunately I don't see myself stopping.  Crazy as this sounds it really just feels way to good to stop

Quote from: Cairus on June 16, 2010, 07:16:42 PM
http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj (http://yfrog.com/1500001fxwj) That's the less scarred side, the other side had stitches at that time, don't want to trigger anyone.

Used to do it pretty bad, had to be hospitalized a number of times. Now I've got what's been described as 'tiger stripes' or 'lattice pie' from the shoulder down to the wrists on both sides of my arms, and 20K in medical debt, to show for it. The left side is scars on top of scars, so the whole thing is just a ripply-scar-y mess reminiscent of what you'd find on a burn victim, with some minor nerve damage. :(

The last time I did was sometime in June of last year... Which makes, yeah, a year, which is the longest I've gone without doing it. The occasion that happened a year ago was also the first time in three months that I'd done it, so it had already gotten fewer and farther between. I actually haven't even thought about doing it either, so I'm going with a hopeful 'never again'.

I too was a really bad cutter. I'm just about to have 6 major surgeries on my arms to have them all skin grafted. I have nerve damage, I cut through my tendons a few times and when my arms are Xrayed you can see chunks chipped away from cutting. I've now been cut free for almost 2 years and it was the best and hardest decision I've ever made. I'm also getting my arms fixed for free through the government which is a bonus.

with the tattoos thing - i use it as a release. i ve also made myself a promise that i wont cut across any of my tattoos which is probably why i have so many of them!

I never saw the attraction in cutting.  I had several girlfriends who did, but they only did scratches for attention.

Though I don't cut, I used to (and rarely still do) beat things up and chuck things around the house, while yelling names at no one imparticular.  I try not to break things, but it happens.

I mostly work out now, even just a walk around the block is my best form of release.  People tend to complicate things when I am upset, so the sooner they get away, or I get away, the sooner I can calm down.  My girlfriend has learned its best to let me be for some time before trying to talk about it.

I like to say i used to if someone asked, because that is true and my arms show it. what (most people) don't know is that I still do, but on much less frequent basis. I used to cut every day, multiple times per day, even in school. That was in middle school. Then I ended up getting put into a high school for emotionally impaired students in my area. I would have to say that most of the girls there were cutters, at least at one point in their life; and most of the guys had anger control issues. I guess those are people's maladaptive coping skills by stereotype.

Quote from: LucienOctopus on June 16, 2010, 09:12:34 PM
Forgot to add this to my first post...  There was a short period of time not too long ago that I indulged in a different brand of self-harm.  I used to punch myself hard in the gut, as hard as I could stand it.  Didn't leave any visible scars, but one time I did hit myself hard enough to feel it for a few days.  I haven't felt the urge to hit myself in a while though.

That's actually what I've done as well.  I've only ever cut twice (it only makes me feel better if I'm angry) but I don't do it simply because I scar easily, prominently, and I'm a very slow healer.  However, scratching myself now and then was a habit since elementary school age; and punching was a good choice for me because I could inflict pain without leaving any sort of obvious mark (it was the pain I was interested in, I didn't want scars or anything).  It became a bit of a habit last year, but I've broken it and try my best to control myself.  I see self-harm in my head and the urge to make what's in my head real is very strong, but I try to find better outlets to at least get the urge under control.

Scotty72:  man, I'd love to throw things and beat things up (besides a mattress cuz that's not at all satisfying >_>)!  When I was a kid, I did that once or twice (without damaging anything), but after the harsh talking to about mistreating my parents' house, I turned violence upon myself because that was the only thing I would be able to get away with.

I used to cut myself. I did wimpy cuts of course, not suicidal cuts. I've used it to relieve both depression and the resulting rage of my depression.

Though I continue to experience mood swings and anger issues I no longer cut myself. Unfortunately, I continue to release brute force when things become too much, but I've learned to hit the right things so that I do not once again damage my hands. I've had both in a cast, a separate, but consecutive times.

So yeah, that's my share for the day.

I'm quitting... I have a ton of scars though. I think 50+ on my forearm, and more on my shoulder, breasts, stomach, thighs... Last one is on my thigh, but since it's summer and I want to wear fewer clothes, I need to stop since my parents think I stopped after I went to the hospital...

^^Summer. Catch 22
Can't cut really, because of exposure.
But sometimes not being able to is the biggest trigger.

I used to when I was going through severe depressive episodes, but stopped last year in december. I never cut a lot, though (I usually took part in the punching-yourself-party).