Hi I am brand new to this forum and have written this post very quickly in a moment of desperation. I have up until now not discussed my problem with any other trans people as do not know any others in real life etc. I am horrendously embaressed about what I am about to write because on one level I am aware of how wrong I have been to allow somebody to treat me this way but have come to the point of just desperately needing some help and advice so am posting it anyway. Please excuse me if I leave out any vital bits of information and don't explain myself properly-am very depressed at the moment.. I am a 24 year old trans guy pre operative yet T for several years who met a girl (bio) 6 months ago. I advised her of my situation on our first meeting and despite having no actual relationship since we have been dancing around in this kind of pseudo relationship since (as in she often calls me darling and honey etc when were together and has told me she loves me and would like to be in a relationship with me in future) God just reading that back sounds so pathetic-these crumbs of affection I am valuing so much. My problem is her treatment of my gender basically. She has asked me things like what was my bust size before I transitioned-questions which obviously I find too horrendous and disrespectful to answer. Despite telling her on numerous occasions how I have never ever allowed the obvious incorrect "female" parts of my body to ever be touched by anyone-even previous partners that I have been in love with and have been totally understanding of my malesness and yet the other day she stated that if we were to embark upon a sexual relationship she would penetrate me as a female-not asked just stated that she would do that-which of course for me is something I would never allow to happen-it would be like some kind of horrific sexual abuse-it goes without saying as I'm sure every one of you feel. At first I tried to be as fully understanding of her confusion and bewilderment and understandable ignorance at being only 20 and stumbling across a man like me-but surely that can no longer be an excuse for her behaviour 6 months down the line. The last time I saw her she had found in my bedroom some photos of me before I transitioned and was commenting on how I was very beautiful which I told her straight away was not something I was comfortable being told. I was lying in bed simply holding her and she suddenly stated that she had changed her mind about sleeping in the bed with me and was going to sleep on the floor before saying that she would have fancied me a lot more as the female I was before and that that was the lesbian inside her talking or something like that. I have become so depressed I truly feel as though my life is no longer worth living. I have no confidence left, have developed tremors in my hands etc from the an xiety of it all and am regularily having panic attacks which I never suffered from before even before I transitioned. I feel like I'm trapped in a living hell with this person. I am so embarrassed to write here how I have put up with all this treatment. If you had told me before I met this person everything that was to unfold I would have been incredulous that my self respect and the battles I have had to undertake to get me to where I am today would have allowed me to put up with treatment that has been so humiliating and debilitating. Whreas now my self esteem is so non existent that I almost feel I deserve to be treated in this way. I watch programmes on TV like Big Brother for example and have a vague memory of what my life used to be like and the way other people are treated-with basic respect-especially for something as fundamental as their bodily integrity. Before I knew her I would have been able to know and believe without question that this kind of treatment is unbelievable damaging but I simply no longer have faith in any of my thoughts anymore hence me coming here and just wanting to get some feedback on exactly how wrong this whole situation is-am I being too dramatic. Is she abusing me mentally in a way? Even if its not intentional. Any advice would be deeply appreciated by a heart that is so full of pain right now I can hardly move. I feel as though I have utterly failed as a man-as a transman. I have had one post trnasition relationship prior to this-very early on-and despite the girl also having no especial knowledge of men like me or ever having been with a man like me before she never ever made me feel this way. She went totally out of her way to make me feel comfortable on every level-especially sexually-and I felt entirely male with her at all times. With this current girl it's a fight every day just to feel any sense of self anymore-I no longer feel like a man or woman or anything anymore-not even a person. Other comments she has made have been things like-"I wish my arms were like yours"(my arms are still pretty scrawny so the implication was that she would like to have slender female arms like mine), what do your genitals look like? How do you get yourself off? What movements do you use when touching yourself? Other things like previously we have topsy tailed in bed when she has stayed round and she has made comments about how she always does this with her female friends as if that's what I am. Again I am so embarrassed in front of all of you to admit I have allowed this person to stay in my life. I feel like I'm letting all trans people down or something. If a trans friend came to me and told me all this I would advise them to sever all contact with this person and never see them again-obviously-yet I simply have no energy or faith in myself to think I deserve to be free of it. To explain why I have kept her in my life to an extent-this is the first person that I have gotten involved with that has seriously considered having a relationship with me and in some ways and on some days does treat me like I am male etc. Sometimes I think I am very much in love with her-I know that must sound crazy-although I am anxious that all that is happening in reality is I have been abused so much by this person I feel I don't deserve anything better and feel a great need for her-like I would be totally lost without her in my life.i hope this makes sense-please help
I think you said it yourself when you said you would tell anyone else to sever all ties. But then i also know what it is like to not want to lose the one person in your life who you feel you have a chance with. But honestly, this is not a chance you want> Maybe it is her age and just a simple lack of understanding on her part so try telling her how she is making you feel. Every time she says something that infers you are a female correct her. If she is just naive she should pick up on it. If she is just doing it because she is the type of person she seems to be in your post then she may just get fed up and leave you to someone who deserves you- which in my opinion she doesnt
Well, you've mentioned that if someone else came to you with this problem, the advice you'd give them would be to sever contact with this person - that may show how you really feel about what *you* should do.
I'm not about to tell you what decision you should make, but I'd suggest that you look long and hard at what the options are, and decide which one you'd regret the most, and which one you'd be glad you chose, looking at it from some point down the road. Stay with her and continue to let her say those things to you, speak up and have an honest discussion with her about how the things she says makes you feel, maintain a friendship with her but make it clear that you can't have a relationship with someone who disrespects your identity, or outright cut off all contact with her. Those are some options, I'm sure there are many other ways this could turn out, but you just have to start somewhere and think about what option feels right to you.
And this doesn't sound like it's just a "trans" issue to me. Whether she's disrespecting your gender identity or any other aspect of who you are, it's all just as hurtful. If you allow someone to treat you this way, again it doesn't matter if it's your gender they're attacking or something else about you, it's still on you to stand up for how you'll allow people to treat you. And you can't "let all trans people down" as we all have the responsibility to deal with our own issues. If you're letting yourself down, then you need to decide what you want to do about it, but don't put further pressure on yourself that you're letting anyone else down in this.
Try to take it easy and I'm sure you'll figure this out before long, it's not the end of the world, even if it may feel like it now. This too shall pass. :)
Thank you-al james and junkie james-sincerely. I really appreciate your advice-and of course your right-its so obvious what to do- I think my mental health has just deteriated to such an extent I've been unable to think rationally about it etc-but thank you just hearing somebody elses input on the situation has made me feel a lot better
This is emotional abuse. Get out now.
Quote from: kyril on July 02, 2010, 05:51:39 PM
This is emotional abuse. Get out now.
Agreed. I dealt with a girl who was not as abusive as this, but had similar hot/cold behaviour. The way she is treating you is not ok. The best thing you can do is cut her off completely and stick to it. It can be hard to do with people like that, but you won't regret it. She will drag you down and ruin your self esteem.
If she can not respect your identity and needs then she has too go.
I am all for cutting someone who we love some slack on occasion. I am even willing to have 'traditional' sex, but it has to be with certain understanding that my identity will ultimatly be respected.
She is poison, run.
Ditch the chick before she totally wears you down. Its not healthy to have people like that around you.