I have encounter this dilemma lately when I meet and become closer to people. The majority of the people I know now and are getting closer to me as friends are all people who look upon me as a guy. None of them really knows that I am FTM or transexual for all that matters, which is great because I get to live my life how I have always wanted to you know?
But when people get closer to you, they start to discover more things about you. They learn about you and your past. And in this day and age, it's harder to do so with social networking sites such as hi5, myspace, facebook, twitter, etc.
I find myself deleting old photos constantly, or untagging myself from old photos, or requesting friends who have uploaded those photos to take them down because they showed mainly my upper body which contains breasts. Anyone who has posted anything with my legal/given name anywhere on my profile, their comments were deleted.
I wouldn't call this being paranoid. I know I am just a little, but I feel as though that I am not being completely honest with them. I don't lie to them though. When they ask about my life in high school and as a teen growing up, I don't lie about any of it. I just choose to leave out things that would give away my bio sex and so on.
But has anyone else ever felt like that? That they were being dishonest? If so how did you manage to deal with it? Or did you?
Constantly, but it feels a lot better than the rejection the truth would result in, however I have other issues with my life history than just being Trans that I keep hidden.
My way of coping is to be dishonest by omission and by leading people into making false conclusions, rather than outright lying, makes my conscience feel better.
My plan for handling it, once I start to pass more consistently with new friends, is to use a separate Facebook account. I've already got one, and I'll be sending new friends from boy-mode there, once I get all the old friends/family I'm "out" to on it.
I'm a ways off from passing or anything but I don't think I'd ever keep the fact that I'm trans from a new friend or anything. I'm not embarrassed about who or what I am, and maybe it's just me but I don't really care who knows. Not that I'm out to everyone but I don't really care. If I meet someone and they don't want to continue the relationship with me because of how I was born, then it's their loss. I have great friends already, so I'm fine right now lol.
Quote from: andthenwekisss on July 03, 2010, 06:07:47 PM
I'm a ways off from passing or anything but I don't think I'd ever keep the fact that I'm trans from a new friend or anything. I'm not embarrassed about who or what I am, and maybe it's just me but I don't really care who knows. Not that I'm out to everyone but I don't really care. If I meet someone and they don't want to continue the relationship with me because of how I was born, then it's their loss. I have great friends already, so I'm fine right now lol.
Yeah I hear ya. I'm not embarrassed by it either, but it's kind of like...
"Wow this is something I have always wanted. To be recognized and accepted as the gender/sex I have always felt like."
So it's kind hard to go about whether to come out or not.
I have a lot of history, and What I do is not conceal the part but I modify it. Switch pronouns, refer to exes as "the ex" and so forth.
I don't feel I am being dishonest, just on a need to know basis only. And most do not need to know.
Think of it more as witness protection. ;D
Quote from: [CRYPT] Chris on July 03, 2010, 06:11:03 PM
Yeah I hear ya. I'm not embarrassed by it either, but it's kind of like...
"Wow this is something I have always wanted. To be recognized and accepted as the gender/sex I have always felt like."
So it's kind hard to go about whether to come out or not.
Yeah I get you. :) Maybe I'll feel differently the further along I get into my transition. Who knows haha. As of right now other peoples views aren't that important, the most important thing is for me to see myself as female and then I'll worry about others I guess haha.
I don't usually join special networking sites for these reasons. I use twitter, but no one follows me that knows.
I just hate the hassle that comes with people finding out.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on July 03, 2010, 07:39:12 PM
Fortunately I transitioned before social networking sites took off; ergo I ended up joining them all as female.
Lucky haha. I can't wait till I change my facebook to say female lol.
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on July 03, 2010, 07:39:12 PMWhy? I talk about my ex's by name and their correct gender.
Generation gap here...
Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on July 03, 2010, 08:13:49 PM
Why not do it right now? :D
I've thought about that BUT...I'm not sure i'm ready. I've gone ahead and changed my name to what my new name will be, McKey, but I don't think people will think that's a trans/female thing since my name is Michael. It's pretty close. Maybe I will though. I mean it really excites me to think about doing it lol. I kinda wanted to wait until I look female though. Like maybe when I grow my hair out or something.
Quote from: Lachlann on July 03, 2010, 06:27:59 PM
I don't usually join special networking sites for these reasons. I use twitter, but no one follows me that knows.
I just hate the hassle that comes with people finding out.
Haha, keepin' it simple man. That's cool.
The only real hassle I hate when people finding out is the gossip they spread about you...the very unnecessary gossip. It's like "Dude, if you have a question, freakin' just ask me. I really won't get offended. But don't go behind my back and talk crap. It ain't cool."
Quote from: Janet Lynn on July 03, 2010, 06:21:20 PM
I have a lot of history, and What I do is not conceal the part but I modify it. Switch pronouns, refer to exes as "the ex" and so forth.
I don't feel I am being dishonest, just on a need to know basis only. And most do not need to know.
Think of it more as witness protection. ;D
Yes, this.
I just don't feel the need to expose myself like that. For me it's like having to pull my pants down with a new friend or in a room of strangers, and I hate that feeling. Now to get people to stop outing me (they don't realize why it's not public knowledge; after all, I told *them*.
Jay
Do you need to tell anyone anything that you don't want them to know about.
In my own case, I suppose my change of surname is one thing that few know about, yet would undoutedly cause some to think they can form an opinion.
I don't know you personally, obviously, but you might try to think about strategies for dealing with such situations.
In the mean time, asking friends, who have them, to take down old photos, seems to indicate that you have some really swell friends.
I've never kept photographs of me.. Anywhere. I dodge other people making photographs of me.
I also don't join up with the... Ehm.. Whutchercallem sites. No twitters, facebooks, or things like that for me. Just forums. ^^
Dishonest about my past? Constantly. I'm not going to tell just about everyone about my past. It's not exactly in my best interest if I do, after all. Well; I'm not really dishonest about it; merely silent.
Is it a bad thing? Not for me. In the future, I won't be silent about thís stuff, anyway. I'll answer honestly when asked. I do that now, too; no real difference. Yet there are some things I'll readily admit I don't want to talk about.
No. I'm never dishonest, and I have no problem if old photo's surface. Heck I've even posted them myself from time to time, even on here.
Partly because most of my past was fairly close to what it should have been anyway - and partly because I am now entirely comfortable with the bits that weren't quite what might normally have happened. I found a particularly lovely pic of me with a beard the other day, from the brief period when I was experimenting with masculinity, and I've been toying with having him as my avatar for a while.
I'm proud of who I am, and for me that means being proud of all of it! I'm proud of the person I became, and I'm proud of the person that I once was. So anyone who wants to know my past simply has to ask.
I deleted my old myspaz. Made a new one and a new FB. I deleted old pics of me after I started T that looked unmasculine or not as passable to me. I hate old pics of me, even post transition. Untagged anything that I didn't like. Yeah, I'm obsessive. Most of my friends on FB know about me but with time idk if I'll create a new one or not when I'm completely stealth. My aim was more to get rid of any evidence that I used to look less...male.
I transitioned in 1974 and like everyone else in those days I just disappeared into the woodwork. I got disowned and started life in a new place. I was young, attractive, absolutely confident in myself, and nobody ever questioned or looked twice (in a negative way) and life was grand. I didn't feel the need to tell anyone about my childhood and it was totally a non-issue.
I married two years later and my husband didn't know until a Montreal newspaper broke the story (I have no idea how they found out but it was illegal for me to marry in those days so it was a page 3 story!) and my husband was mad as hell. We were on our last legs anyway and had split just before the story broke.
My career took me to a different part of the country and a couple of years later I remarried. This time I told my husband before we were married and he was like TOTALLY sympathetic and it was never mentioned again.
About 5 years into our marriage a clerk at a local medical facility went digging through patient records and made 'the juicy bits' public gossip. I am glad I had told my husband years earlier because he handled the rumours well and he was prepared for them beforehand. I lost some friends and a few people treated me differently but I was well established in my new community so I didn't want to leave.
Now most of my friends know about my odd childhood but it is old news and isn't an issue. I wish it wasn't "news" at all - I preferred being 'just another middle aged woman' - but I refuse to run from it, deny it, or try to bury it.
A LONG time ago I realized just how immaterial my ancient medical history was to me .... I only wish it was as irrelevant to everyone else but it never will be to some people.