I've been feeling like there's no hope lately. Not in life, but in my transition.
Like there's no point, cause ill never rly be the guy I was meant to be physically.
I feel like I don't present well at all, like im not even passing one bit. I feel like everyone sees me as female.
I guess not being completely out to everyone in my life that knows me as female isn't helping much.
My thighs bug the heck out of me, my love handles are going away, but my body is still so curvy. I know you'll say T will help with that, but I don't see me moving forward in my transition at all, any time soon at least. And im not sure I want to sart T, but I think I will have to because of my voice.
I've been rly self conscious about my body & it seeming rly female.
I feel like my binder isn't doing enough to flatten me out. At least how id like it to look.
Im losing confidence in myself.
I stopped packing cause my stp broke, &I tried fixing it but it kept falling off.
I have no real life friends anymore & not because of me being trans, it was other issues. I have no support system, no one who understands me. No one to hang out with, to distract me. To boost my confidence, to help me get where I want to be.
I don't have money nor insurance so even starting therapy doesn't seem like an option.
And my parents somewhat support me, im living under their roof, and im not out to them. So I can't ask them for help.
Idk, im not down on life or anything like that. I just feel like settling, just accpeting how I was born &that being that.
Idk, I never get what I want in life & when I think im going to be happy and ok, everything falls apart. So I feel like why even try for something I want/need in life when I know its just going to be a big fail.
All I wish for is a partner, a true friend, a family member who is willing to be there for me & support my decisions. To repect me, & accept me for all that I am.
Sorry for the rant, I've just been feeling female lately. I feel like I should just settle, idk.
Hey,
although I can't understand your individual situation completely I know that everything your feeling is felt by all trans people at some point-I'm five years after T and feeling very similar things at the moment. But please please don't give up-for a start you look remarkably handsome and not female or feminine at all from your photo. Secondly just look at the life you've described-it is soooo hard. I'm not saying that to bum you out but just to make you realise you have the strength of Hercules just for getting up every day and facing it-of course your going to feel as distraught as you currently do sometimes-what human could go through everything your going through and not feel that way. You don't even sound self pitying or anything like that-and you have every right to be-think of the people in this world who go through so much less yet still complain 100 times louder then you do about their situation. I can tell from just reading your post your going to be fine-you have everything it takes to succeed and I can discern that just from one small post as I said. Hope you found this helpful and not too crap. Peace brother
I feel the exact same way currently cause I'm due for my next shot at midnight and I always get EXTREMELY dysphoric and stuff before my next shot cause of low T levels. This time has been the worst so far.
I've been feeling like there's no hope lately. Not in life, but in my transition.
Like there's no point, cause ill never rly be the guy I was meant to be physically.
My feelings exactly, at the moment. Even though I'm on T I still find myself pointing out things that other people don't notice in myself, but to me, they don't pass. It's borderline obsessive and I hate it. I never thought I'd be where I am now though and I keep reminding myself of that. I thought I'd be much older before I could start T but I found someone who did informed consent.
I feel like I don't present well at all, like im not even passing one bit. I feel like everyone sees me as female.
I guess not being completely out to everyone in my life that knows me as female isn't helping much.
I feel like that nearing my next shot. I guess cause since I know my T levels are lower and I already feel horrible, I think I look less masculine. Like my skin glows estrogen. Like I don't pass. Once I do my shot I feel fine again, til the next time I'm due fo rmy shot, then I get like this all over.
My thighs bug the heck out of me, my love handles are going away, but my body is still so curvy. I know you'll say T will help with that, but I don't see me moving forward in my transition at all, any time soon at least. And im not sure I want to sart T, but I think I will have to because of my voice.
I've been rly self conscious about my body & it seeming rly female.
I feel like my binder isn't doing enough to flatten me out. At least how id like it to look.Im losing confidence in myself.
Same here. I was afraid I wouldn't start T before my bone structure became undeniably not male and that I couldn't reverse it. Luckily I started T and my hip bone structure is going to be passable once the fat relocates. As far as your voice...try voice training. It's irrational for me to think this but even though my voice is deep now, deeper than some cis guys after it dropping a bunch of times, sometimes I think I still don't pass when I speak. Again, just my head messing with me. The binder thing I strongly relate to. My pecs are getting more muscular and the fat is shrinking a bit but the increased muscle is making binding look funny. Not flat enough to me. Makes me extremely dysphoric cause I'm anal about my chest.
I stopped packing cause my stp broke, &I tried fixing it but it kept falling off.
I'm assuming you had an stp that was a part of a packer....have you tried any other methods of an stp? I use a modified turkey baster or oil spout. Just push my packer aside and use it. I'm less dysphoric when I can pee standing.
I have no real life friends anymore & not because of me being trans, it was other issues. I have no support system, no one who understands me. No one to hang out with, to distract me. To boost my confidence, to help me get where I want to be.
Been there done that. Since I'm overly angry and stuff right now I've been more distant from my friends lately. I know I can talk to them. But I don't cause I don't feel like crying "I feel like I don't pass and I want to kill myself" cause to me I hate hearing peole say that for attention. I don't want attention. I just want someone to relate and say they've been there and it gets better and that they'll be there fo rme and not judge me and not think I'm just an a**hole who is angry for no reason. All my anger is from being trans, just misdirected.
I used to have no other trans friends and no support system. Then I started performing at a gay bar and found a whole family I never had. It helped alot. But like I said lately I feel like I'd be a burden so I've been withdrawn.
I don't have money nor insurance so even starting therapy doesn't seem like an option.
And my parents somewhat support me, im living under their roof, and im not out to them. So I can't ask them for help.
Apply for jobs. Idk how old you are but it can't hurt to get even a part time job flipping burgers. Money is money. If you want it bad enough you'll work for it. There are therapists online and clinics in person that do a sliding scale for therapist fees. I know of one therapist who is online who doesn't charge an arm and a leg. She is trans friendly. Then again if you're a minor, that throws a whole other thing in the mix.
Idk, im not down on life or anything like that. I just feel like settling, just accpeting how I was born &that being that.
Idk, I never get what I want in life & when I think im going to be happy and ok, everything falls apart. So I feel like why even try for something I want/need in life when I know its just going to be a big fail.
All I wish for is a partner, a true friend, a family member who is willing to be there for me & support my decisions. To repect me, & accept me for all that I am.
I honestly can't relate to the settling on living as the sex I was born. Cause to me there was never a question, once I found out I actually could transition it was "i'm doing this, come hell or high water and I don't care who gets in my way". But I also let my former gf talk me into stopping transitioning cause I "confused her" and stuff...but that's a whole other story that I won't go into.
I'm slightly a hypocrite but it DOES get better. Even now when I feel like I've hit rock bottom I know things will work out. BUt you have to make them work sometimes in spite of being scared. We're all scared and unsure and insecure. But keep working and things will work out whetehr you realize it or not. Sometimes you have to take pride in the smallest victories.
I wanted someone there for me too. I still do. But I realize that inside I was the weaker one and I needed to work on myself and find the strength to stand alone if I had to. And I did when a bunch of stuff happened in my life that could've killed me or made me stronger. You may not have that issue. I now try not to get close to people cause I'm afraid if I'm too close to someone in person I won't have my own strength anymore. I've had partners who even accepted me and I didn't stay with them cause I didn't want to lose my own sense of myself. So here I am single and alone again but I know I need to work on me and then I'll be able to be close to people in person.
It wasn't necessary to reply to specific stuff like this but with the way I'm feeling right now it helps to know someone else feels the same and to vent and share what I'm thinking.
Please know that if you need to ramble more or just talk or whatever you can PM me. I won't judge you.
Quote from: ruben123 on July 06, 2010, 03:31:11 PM
But please please don't give up-for a start you look remarkably handsome and not female or feminine at all from your photo. Secondly just look at the life you've described-it is soooo hard. I'm not saying that to bum you out but just to make you realise you have the strength of Hercules just for getting up every day and facing it-of course your going to feel as distraught as you currently do sometimes-what human could go through everything your going through and not feel that way.
Thanks man, I know life gets hard sometimes but it seems like it get worse being trans. I've just been down on my tans status lately, idk why. But I hope I can pull through ¬ totallly lose hope on my true self.
Post Merge: July 06, 2010, 11:56:14 PM
Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on July 06, 2010, 03:42:29 PM
I'm slightly a hypocrite but it DOES get better. Even now when I feel like I've hit rock bottom I know things will work out. BUt you have to make them work sometimes in spite of being scared. We're all scared and unsure and insecure. But keep working and things will work out whetehr you realize it or not. Sometimes you have to take pride in the smallest victories.
I wanted someone there for me too. I still do. But I realize that inside I was the weaker one and I needed to work on myself and find the strength to stand alone if I had to. And I did when a bunch of stuff happened in my life that could've killed me or made me stronger. You may not have that issue. I now try not to get close to people cause I'm afraid if I'm too close to someone in person I won't have my own strength anymore. I've had partners who even accepted me and I didn't stay with them cause I didn't want to lose my own sense of myself. So here I am single and alone again but I know I need to work on me and then I'll be able to be close to people in person.
It wasn't necessary to reply to specific stuff like this but with the way I'm feeling right now it helps to know someone else feels the same and to vent and share what I'm thinking.
Please know that if you need to ramble more or just talk or whatever you can PM me. I won't judge you.
Thanks.
Well im glad other ppl, esp u guys, feel the same way sometimes. Its crazy that you feel like that &you're on T already. But I guess it makes sense, you psych yourself out. We have much in common tho. I hate the way my binder makes my chest look, but I wear it cause its better than nothing.