Hi Everyone,
Today my whole life has just gone down the toilet. My wife has been visiting this site for about a month trying to figure out which member is me. Just a warning for those who are worried about people reading your posts. If you reenter this site within a reasonably short timeframe your user name comes up at the top.
My wife has left me and taken one of my boys with her. I just spoke to her on the phone and has told me that I disgust her and that she cannot come near me again. She told me she would be my friend and that she could not be my wife.
She said she felt like she was holding me back. Just when I've become comfortable with me as me she has become worried that I am something else. I am a CD and happy to be that. She says she can't understand that and that she can't support me.
I don't understand, she can accept a gay friend of ours who has just come out, she can accept gay friends that I work with and she went to the Gay Mardi Gras with me as a marshall but she finds this so abhorent.
I know this, my life as I know it is over. I think I now understand how people feel on the edge. One day my wife and I are looking forward to going on overseas trips and growing old together and just like I've dropped a glass its all shattered.
I have promised to seek counselling and she has promised not to tell anyone and I believe her but the thought of life away from my wife and my children seems pretty pointless at this stage. Its been pretty good up to this stage so I suppose I shouldn't complain.
If anyone has any suggestions of where I can access councelling in Sydney or on the Central Coast of NSW it would be appreciated. I'm worried about going to one who does not understand CDing.
Wish me luck
I feel for you hon. I once had someone I cared a long time ago about tell me they "Didn't want to hold me back". It hurts. As for the browser cache I would recommend something like www.avantbrowser.com which has the ability to clear all records. You can say it's for privacy as some sites track people on the internet. This does not stop a key stroke logger or anything of that nature. We are all here for you :(
Dear Shelley
I do really feel for you and I wish you all the luck in the world. I have been watching this site for sometime and I think there is a wonderful support group here.
I don't like hearing that your whole life has gone down the toilet there is always more to live for and there is always hope. Maybe one day things will change and everything hurts more when it's all knew.
I also feel for your wife. It's always easier to accept different traits eg. her friend who is gay. Whe didn't marry her friend who was gay. She probably feels like her whole life has gone down the drain also. She knew her friend was gay from the start. She didn't start a life with this person and find out there was more to know about him.
I hope with time the hurt will heal and you can then rebuild a relationship with her and your kids will always be your children.
Good luck I will be thinking of you
Cherrie.
It will be ok Shelley........
QuoteI know this, my life as I know it is over.
Well, I know how that feels....but you are wrong. You know my story, married 17 yrs and when I told her...she said I disgusted her too. I know how that feels too, but I also know that your pain will pass.
Counselling might help you, but you ARE NOT CRAZY. It is the burdon of living a secret life, because of others misunderstanding/unacceptance.
Ok, you have some hard stuff to deal with...and I know it will not be easy, but believe me...it will get better for you.
It's sad but true, if your wife cannot deal with your being a cd...then you both will be better off apart.
Here is a sad poem I wrote when my wife and I broke up.........
"Its all my fault"
by DebTV
*
As I tell you the truth,
and climb out of my vault.
I've known that from my youth,
that its all been my fault.
*
You feel you lost your man,
my growing tgism I cannot halt.
Lies & betrayal was not my plan,
and I know, its all my fault.
*
As I open up for us both to see,
you reject my femness by default.
You don't want to touch me,
as its all my fault.
*
If a pill would make it go away,
for you I'd make my TGness halt.
But my TGness is here to stay,
and I know...its all my fault.
*
So, my choices are few,
to hide and try not to get caught
Or to be honest with you,
and I know its all my fault.
*
Copyright 1996 DebTV
Yeah I know how it feels.........but in hindsite...the only thing that really was my fault...was having a secret from my wife. I should have told her before I married her.
You just hang in there hon...know one of the big reasons I came out to everyone I know? It was to take my ex's power away, of "I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you are TG". lol and it made my life a whole lot better! You never know what your future will bring...but more than likely, it will be better.
Good luck hon
Love DebTV
Shelly, I know it hurts and the consiquences of that reach far deeper then you are actually concious of. It is a hard thing for a wife to accept, especially when it would seem to her that you could function without it. It's no different when the presentation is full time and the identity is complete. To a wife it is as if a stranger has taken the place of her husband and she just wants the confort and security of her husband back.
My own wife has never adapted to it and in fact has used every trick in the book to try to turn things back the way they were, even after it went to far to in any way turn back. We have had seperate rooms for some time now as she says she finds the changes in my body repulsive and unapealing. She likes the mental differences even less and finds the somewhat less aggressive and at times even passive nature that is gradually replaceing the older me confusing and less comforting. She no longer feels as safe and secure as she once did.
It even went to the point of her actually finding good things about the medical difficulties I have had as to her they represented a means of stopping me from going on and she is actually distressed each time i over come and find ways to continue. It seems she would rather see me dead then finish what i have started. That makes me feel really good let me tell you.
There is no generic fix to these problems, some work out and most don't, you just have to make peace with yourself about what you want in life and work toward that goal and accept that you are going to lose some and win some and gravitate toward those who can be comfortable with you and support your needs.
It's hard to keep it in perspective at times, but the truth is, such things are just as hard or harder on her as they are on you, and she has less time to cope and adapt then you did, so realise her feelings from what you know of your own in this matter and try to work it out, if you wish to, from that enlightened point of view, though sadly, it is most often, as I found out, simply spinning your wheels in the sand.
I wish there were some magic words I could give you about this, but as I could never find the solutions in my own marrage, what worthwhile advice could I give another?
The only thing I could tell you is that you simply have to determine whats important to you in terms of being able to live as a more complete, self sustaining person and work toward that goal. Again, empty advice as I myself have a long way to go toward finding that completeness and in many ways have lost much in the way of finding what I need totally within myself and steadily become more reliant on the nurture and comfort of others then I ever did before. sometimes it seems like a backward treadmill, but the alternative is unacceptable.
Best wishes
Terri
Thankyou Everyone,
It is conforting to know that you are all here. And Terri any words from you at the moment are magic because it shows your there and you care which by the way I never doubted for a moment.
I probably should clarify something. I do believe that life as I have come to know it is finished. My wife has promised not to tell anyone and I am confident that she won't. But now she looks at me differently and the genie is out of the bottle and as you all know you can't put her back.
I'm sure that my wife doesn't understand about CDing. I thinks that she believes that in a very short time she is going to be living with a fulltime bells and whistles woman. I can't get her to see that what she has now is no different to what she had before, she just knows more about what she's got. Does that make sense.
Anyway for a little while anyway you may have to listen to me a little less as she is dead against this site and the thought of coming here disgusts her. I need to try and sought something out of this mess. I hope that I can. If I do I will be back and who knows through the process you might meet her.
Finally I'm with you Deb silly me I should have told her when we first met. I tried but when I opened the door she closed so I just left it that way.
Hugs and love to you all.
Shelley
QuoteFinally I'm with you Deb silly me I should have told her when we first met. I tried but when I opened the door she closed so I just left it that way.
Don't beat up on yourself for that one Shelley, while it is true that a relationship not based upon total honesty in the beginning is most likely doomed to failure, our minds play their funny tricks with "justification", such as thinking that if you told, no relationship would be possible at all, but if you don't, it is always hanging over your head.
It is just that sometimes there is a need for love and nurture and one takes their chances hoping that the truth will never come out or somehow they will find a way to bring it out while somehow retaining the relationship.
While it is unrealistic and unfair to with hold things like this, our own needs sometimes overcome common sense and sense of honesty. It happens. Just remember this if you must look for someone else. It is better to lose something you want in the beginning before it fully roots itself into your heart then it is to lose it when the emotional damage will be greatest. Do NOT repeat the mistake, love is a rare thing and like everything else must be respected, as you are risking not only your own feelings, but those of another.
I've heard it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, but from past experience, I would call that a little silly. At present I would rather to have never known such feelings then to achieve them and then destroy them. It just isn't worth it.
If you can save what you had, I envy you, but if you can't, just remember the lesson and never for an instant forget it. emotional attachement is a double edged sword, stay on the proper edge for your own peace of mind and growth, the wrong side of the blade can be shattering and destroy all that you were, trust me.
terri
Hello Shelly.
I'm really sorry to here about this sudden turn of events. Although I don't think you mentioned it, my first impressions were that you and your wife were ok with you as a CD. I guess not.
From what you have writen is is very apparent that you wish to stay with your wife and family, so the first thing you have to do is get the lines of comunication open, and get talking, very quickly. You are right, you are devestated, but so is she. I'm not sure what you would be willing to do to keep your family together, that is a personal thing, but I would be prepared to offer comprimises, if that what it takes.
Your wife is scared, scared of the ridicule, scared of what will happen to the children, scared of what will happen to her, scared of what people will think (that's why she is willing to keep things a secret). She probably thinks that she has failed in some way. These are perseptions right now that if you want to you can correct.
Remember if you want to stay together, you are going to have to be stronger than you have ever been. Talk and be prepared to make comprimises, even sacrifices.
I know this is a heart wrenching situation, and I wish I could do more to help and to ease the pain. Just remember that we're here for you, just ask.
Take care
Steph
Hi SHelley,
I was away from the forum for a day and I come back to find you in quite a mess. I am saddened by your dilemma. Others have already said much that I would have said to you.
I noticed you said your wife only took one son with her. So There is something of hope there. Perhaps she is just sorting things out but reacting out of anger at what she sees as a violation of her trust in that this is a secret you have kept from her.
Whatever happens remember that for every door that closes a new one opens. Take hope and stay strong. We are here to support you so don't stay gone too long.
Cassie
hello Shelley,
sometimes a persons first reaction to shocking news is overreacting. it is possible your wife may calm down and listen and learn that your crossdressing is less of a threat to her than she first thought. i believe if you could find an experienced person to counsel you both, they could help lessen her fear. i do hope all works out well for you Shelley, your life is not over no matter what happens.
deleting your cookies, temp internet files and history after a session will prevent tracking your online use by other users of your pc. this should be done frequently to eliminate spyware, speed up your pc etc. anyway.
beth
Hi Everyone,
As you can no doubt see I'm still here. I'm not really sure where I am at the moment but I know that my friends here are with me so I hope you will enjoy the ride.
Things appear not to be quite as bad as I first thought and your kind and sage advice is helping quite a bit. I say again Susan access to this site is a wonderful thing especially at times like this.
Lovely poem Deb and your right it is my own fault and I think that is something that my wife has a little trouble dealing with because of the way she found out and that she was given no choice early on in the relationship. Initially she said that she could be my friend but not my husband and she was sad that she could not support me in this. She said she felt deceived and betrayed. Things were looking really bad and I must admit there was an element that I have not revealed yet. That day that Tuesday when it all came to a head. Two things shattered her. The first it was our eigth wedding anniversary and some how I forgot it. This from the person who could quote the number of weeks we had been together. The date of our first kiss and she has the jewellery to match important milestones in our lives together. This therefore added to her growing concerns that were arising from reading my posts which I did not know. She also quoted posts back to me from people who where responding to mine thinking that they were me.
The second thing that even more so devasted her. Was that the name I chose for me goes back to when I was about twelve and took a liking to an older girl named Michelle. By coincidence this is the name of my wife. This as she saw it added to her dismay and disgust. We talked for some time on Tuesday and things were starting to calm down. I explained to her that while visiting this site that I had found myself and was happy as I was and I also tried to explain the diffenence between CD, TV & TS which at the time she dismissed.
We went to pick up my second child from school and things became much calmer again. We had to do some things at the local soccer club that night to which I bowed out and stayed home to make dinner. Before she left my wife kissed me. A good sign I think. When she came home we ate and when we went to bed although she slept away from me she at least slept in our bed. Last night we even held each other in bed. I think that things are looking up.
Yesterday I bought my wife the gold necklace that I had intended to by her for our anniversary. You are right Steph there will need to be comprimises on my part if we are to stay together. As you said Terri I need to stay on the right side of that sword. I am organising counselling to which she wants me to go to first. I am hopeful that she will come later. Your right Deb I'm not insane but I think my wife wants that confirmed :)
I will take it now one step at a time. I am hopeful that one day I may be able to get her here to talk to you. You can be assured that I was looking for your responses Cassie, Steph, Deb, Beth and Terri. I also have to say that the speed of the response from you Susan was something that kept me in touch with reallity and assured me that I was not alone. I also thank you Cherrie for your supportive messages.
I read the new forum about suicide and although I don't think I was going down that road some thoughts did flash and a quick response to what was obviously a call for support quickly displaced any silly thinking. I think something along those lines might be of assistance. Something to think about anyway.
Well for now I'm off to mend some bridges and to forge some new ones. I know that I will have your best wishes with me and for that I am very greatful. I will keep in touch and tell you how I'm going.
Thankyou all for being there.
Love Shelley
Well Shelly that's such great news. I hpe that the relationship between you and your wife gets better as time goes by and that she will come to understand you a little better.
Keep those lines of communication open, and keep us posted.
Take care
Steph
very good shelly, just keep in touch with at all times being honest with yourself so that you know for certain you are being honest with others and whatever happens will leave you clear and at peace in your own councience and motives. Do not tell her anything you do not actually believe yourself, but regardless of the consiquences be honest about what you know you will do or can't do.
Terri
Hi everyone,
Back again, things seem to be going reasonably well at the moment and I hope your right Steph that my wife will understand me a little better through all of this.
I feel like I haven't changed and that as far as I'm concerned for things on my side I'm in touch with me as you said Terri. As for my wife, she has not yet spoken of the situation. So I'm just giving her the opportunity to digest it all and to approach me about it. She did say yesterday quietly that we had to do something. I think I need to help her understand it all but I think also she needs to take her time. As I think Deb said I have had almost fourty years to get here she has only had three days.
Fingers crossed I think she is going to stay with me and not just for the boys. It is so good having the people here as support. I also hope that she can bring her self to come here also.
Thanks as always.
Shelley
Hello Shelley
You are right! At this point in time, slow and steady is the way to go, try not to force anything or any issues on her, as it may take her a while to get over this realisation that she has just discovered. As you have mentioned, I believe that it is important for you to show her that you really haven't changed, that you are still the same person she knew.
It seems as though you are both on the right road, just remember, those speed limits, as it will help avoid those bumps in the road ahead. :)
We're here for you.
Steph
QuoteAs you have mentioned, I believe that it is important for you to show her that you really haven't changed, that you are still the same person she knew.
I would have to take exception with that statement Steph. from ones own perspective it may seem a little like the truth, but the reality is, as you get deeper into the psychological adjustment as you spend more time in female company and environment, you change in enough small and large ways as to make you very unlike the person you once were, it is just a part of the Evolution of Transition.
Basic core beliefs and principles do not change if they were firmly rooted to begin with, but you do tend to deal with them somewhat differently. I know that in myself, a lot of my "hard nose" antics have to be taken with a grain of salt since while I may still hold the same beliefs and inclinations, there is much that I did in former years that would devistate me to do today. It goes down to small things and the way I will relate to individuals in a close up and personal way. I know I was prone to a lot of rage and hate and sometimes particular events or circumstances would provoke a very cold non emotional response that today would make me feel very uneasy with myself, though it still comes through on occassion and always distresses me afterwards.
All I'm saying is that one does change during transition, perhaps not always for the better, but there is a difference between the before and after. It is subtle, but there non the less. I know that if I were still the same person as before, none of this would have been worth it, something I did not realise when I started and I hope it goes further.
Terri
I will have to agree with Teri on this Steph, for most of the reasons she mentioned but also from the standpoint that Shelley is not the person her wife married. She did not even know about Shelley until recently. Most aspects of Shelley were not shared and are therefore foriegn to her. I would agree that all of us are basically the same people we always were, but subtle changes in perspective do take their toll. We are not entirely the same people we used to be.
From my perspective I see my old self as a construct which I built to protect myself and fit in as I was expected to. My heart however is no different than it ever was. I have been and always will be a very compassionate and giving person. That is my basic personality and it will never go away. It has changed however. I am more compassionate and giving than before because now I no longer have to hold anything back. I am free to be me, which is the person I always was. I am changed and yet I am not.
Also I relate to others as a woman very differently from how I used to relate to others as a man(ick!). Like Teri there are things and attitudes I used to hold as my former self that quite frankly disgust me to even think about today. Those attitudes have become so foriegn to me I can't even imagine how I was ever, or could ever have been like that. It was indeed another person. So in closing I would have to say I am not the same person that I was and yet I am.
Cassie
Ooooop's sorry for that Shelly. I didn't realise that you were transitioning, otherwise I would have advised you accordingly. I thought that you were CD as this is posted in the CD forum. Terri and Cassie have given you very sage advise.
Take care,
Steph
Hi Everyone,
I really want to dive into this conversation becuase as your right Steph I am CD (no need to be sorry) the comments from Cassie and Terri are really helping in defining the difference from my perspective.
Thanks for your comments they really do help clear my thinking. I'll explain why a little latter. That's one of the things I really love about this place. The different perspectives.
I'm about to take my boys to soccer and as I am the coach can't be late. I will be back a little later.
Update. My wife is starting to make comments about things on TV and I am replying with peices of information. It's helping I think. The door is definately open and she's peeking in. I'm just waiting for her to come in. I agree totally with you Steph she needs to guide the process.
Love you girls.
Shelley
Hi Shelley,
It sound like to me that you have alot of common sence. You are right to give her time to try to understand. Many times when we first come out to another....we seem to 'gush'. This is understandable, but not in our best interest.
I have always felt a strong urge to explaine myself...but exspecialy about my tvness. From experience I know I did better with others by explaining myself as simply as I could...and mostly just by answering their questions.
I know, there is a lot to explaine...but the only folks who can understand...are other tg's. I mean we hardly understand it...let alone others. I have found that you never know how another will see it. People I thought would reject me...did not. You just never know.
Your wifes concerns are real and justified. She has to be worried about your commentment to her, what changes it will take, your kids, what others will think, what your expectations of her really are and even if you really love her.
So now it is her that needs understanding. Maybe make a plan, about how you will answer her concerns...I mean telling the truth about yourself...but back-up from the net supporting where you stand. Susans wiki could help you alot with that.
Good luck hon
DebTV
QuoteI see my old self as a construct which I built to protect myself and fit in as I was expected to. My heart however is no different than it ever was. I have been and always will be a very compassionate and giving person
Exactly Cassie, the self that everyone has known before was a construction to protect the core self from harm and emotional hurt, it often has little to do with the core self and usually lacks the emotional freedom and self expression of the core. It is a fine line I myself walk, as the core is not emotionally capible of dealing with the reality of the world and would rather have a world where the white knightess comes to the rescue and love conquers all, happily ever after and all that.
Such is unrealistic however and the environmentally constructed self is designed to defend and protect the core until she can understand and stand on her own, and so core, and environmental are often at distinct odds with one another and often have a love/hate relationship with each other. One trying to live and the other using any means possible to protect her from herself.
It is only by strengthening the core and putting aside the environmental that one can achieve real peace in the world and within ones self. Its a long hard road back to core but is necessary though it be very different from the environmental construction everyone has come to know and even love.
Terri
Hi Deb,
You're right the temptation to gush forth with all and sundry is very much there and I do need to control it. She hasn't yet moved to the asking questions stage more just making comments. I'm prepared to wait as long is required to make her feel comfortable and then answer her questions as they arise.
You are very right about wanting to defend the kids. My wifes first responses were to protect them and to cut ties with the threat, me. She is now starting to see that I am not the threat she first perceived. If I were transitioning I think the case may be different however. I think that she will find a way to live with a CD as she won't have to deal with the coming out to everyone as that was never my desire.
Steph you made a comment about thinking my wife was OK with my CDing. I had been progressing to coming out to her and I was starting to think it was going to be a formality as we talked of my softer feminine side, about dresses that we like , styles of shoes and jewellery, even shades of makeup. I was shaving my legs and I thought it was pretty obvious. It apparently was not as obvious as I thought. There you go. I do think that was the biggest shock was probably reading some of the stuff I had written here and the fact that she mixed up stuff that I had written with that of others. We'll see what progresses from here anyway.
Terri I think that sometimes you under sell yourself. I like to think that I have seen glimpses of that heart in your messages and if you don't mind I'd like to keep thinking of you as one of the big sisters who'll kick you up the .... if I start to think to fancifully. The deep insights that you provide are very thought provoking and that is a good thing especially when things around you and that you have become comfortable with have been changed.
Well I could go on forever but I won't.
Shelley
Thank you Shelley, Change was and still is the original expectation and is the goal after all, oversell or undersell doesn't change the fact that there is always room to improve, though perfection is hardly obtainable, though desirable. There was only one perfect person in the history of this world, and look what they did to him.
I don't know about any deep insights, just rambling thoughts from a deeply disturbed mind that has made more then it's share of mistakes and would wish others could learn from them without haveing to be burnt in the fire before doing so.
My only wish and desire is that others who are beginning to understand themselves, keep in focus about what life means to them and what they can realistically do and not do in the real world, all the philosopy and wishfull thinking aside.
You seem to be a thoughtful person and as long as you remain objective and truthful to yourself and your principles, you should do fine, all advice aside.
Continue on Shelley, and may truth always be your guide.
Terri
Dear Shelley
Things do look like they are really looking up. I am very glad for you. As Terri said let truth and honesty be your guide.
I made much the same mistake with my partner is you. She also didn't have much to say to me after and I thought our relationship was about to end. From her views I decieved her and as much as I didn't want to admit it I really did. The silence and small talk I took as a good sign. Please don't get ahead of yourself. The thoughts that were going through her head were "If I leave him, what about the kids", " If I leave him he might start a new life with someone else and I will mean nothing to him", "If I leave him will he become a full time CD". I didn't want my partner to stay with me for the wrong reasons.
I am the lucky one. I did manage to rebuild my relationship. I was a long hard road one that you are only begining. I made big sacrifices and she did too. She doesn't want to know anything about that side of me nor does she want anything to do with any websites or my cd friends. I am only knew to this site and have been only reading rather than joining in. My wife gives me time to myself to do the things that I need but thats as far as it goes. She is happy for me to talk to cd friends through the internet as its not a threat to her.
I just wanted to give you some different objectives from my partners point of view. I hope you are as lucky as I was. I believe she loves you very much. At first she said she could be your friend not your wife. That is her trying to protect herself. She also must love you to be able to be your friend also.
With time I hope she remembers the qualities she fell in love with. My partner can see that the different qualities are ones of being a cd that made me different to other men.
Gook luck I will be keeping a lookout for you next posts.
Cherrie
Sometimes not much can be done other than to realize we can't do anything and just sit back with a cup o' tea and relax. Things will get better with time. Peace.
Shelly,
I am glad to hear that at least the lines of communication between you and your wife are still open. Just remember that this has been a tremendous shock to her. You have had your whole life to try to find out who you really are. She has been faced with this for only a short time. In her eyes you are a different person (even if not in your own). If you can keep communicating not just imformation but your feelings for and about one another there is hope that you can work this out together. You will know that the two of you are well on your way when you can laugh about this together. Best of luck to both of you.
Thanks Louise,
We are communicating and we kiss hello and good by but beyond that its pretty much a cold shoulder. I hope this will change. It's a little hard to find time to just ourselves at the moment and when we do her shutters seem to come down. I think she's waiting for me to do something but I'm not sure what.
Here's hoping
Shelley
Quote from: Shelley on August 16, 2005, 08:31:11 PM
We are communicating and we kiss hello and good by but beyond that its pretty much a cold shoulder. I hope this will change. It's a little hard to find time to just ourselves at the moment and when we do her shutters seem to come down. I think she's waiting for me to do something but I'm not sure what.
Hello Shelley.
Hang in there hon, it's going to be tough going but try to stay positive, kissing hello and good bye is great, at least it's not a hand shake :) During those quiet times when you are together, maybe she
is waiting for you to say or do something.
But, if you ask what's on her mind, be prepared, you may not hear what you are hoping to hear. Remember you are trying to reconcile, so during those quiet times don't start anything controversial, just keep plodding alone, and when you feel the time is right, maybe then you can start talking about the issues of you being a CD.
Take care,
Steph
Hi Shelley,
Well I was going to impart some words of wisdom here but Steph said exactly what I was thinking. So take her advice, and hang in there baby.
Hugs,
Cassie
I found out a little while ago she has organisaed counselling on her own. I have two concerns there.
One is that the counsellor may not understand about TG issues, particularly the differences between transitioning and CDing. I really get the feeling that my wife thinks that there is only one road to follow.
The second thing is that I offered to go to counselling first and then we could talk about going together, as I thought this is what she wanted. She said she didn't know if she wanted to go and I left it at that. At least if i went first or we went together I could explain my side. I feel like I'm at the whim of this counsellor.
We have been to a counsellor before when she was going through early menopause and that counsellor took sides. It was my side and it didn't help at all. If this counsellor is for what ever reason against TG's I really think I'm at risk of losing her.
I really feel so helpless because everything is out of my control at the moment. At least your all here. It really does help knowing your here.
Shelley.
Hello Shelley
I know exactly how you feel. My wife started seeing a therapist a while ago and I was worried as you are, that the therapist would advise her to leave me, even though we had/have a wonderful relationship. I too felt that I wasn't in control, but then I realised that could never be in control of her, she does have a mind of her own, so I stopped worrying about it. My wife still goes to therapy but not as often and she is even thinking of stopping all together. One thing to remember is that your wife needs someone other than you to talk to about this. Without risking embarrassment, she can't really discuss this with her friends, or even family members so a therapist is a logical choice.
Just remember Shell that you can't do anything about her wanting to see a therapist, just try and be positive, and support her in her decision. I know you fear that through her therapy she may decide to move on and start a new life, and it is an eventuality you may have to face, just be sure that you have plans of some kind should this happen.
I know that staying with your wife is your goal, and we've chatted about this before, just remember that in order to do that you will probably have to make sacrifices, and compromises in order for this to happen. I would also seek therapy Shelley, it can't hurt and it would show your wife that you are being pro-active as well, who knows maybe between the therapy you may find common ground you can live with.
Keep us posted, and take care.
Steph
Your right Steph,
This is something she needs to do for herself and its possible that she just needs this time to sort out how she feels about all of this.
I can't help but feel that this is just a slow path to us going our seperate ways. I know I should not think this way and being negative won't help but I feel almost as though this has given her the excuse to break from me without having to just come out and say she wasn't interested in being my wife anymore. I could be wrong and hope I am but it just nags away at the back of my mind.
At least I'll still have my friends here so life can't be that bad eh.
Shelley
Quote from: Shelley on August 18, 2005, 04:29:45 AM
Your right Steph,
This is something she needs to do for herself and its possible that she just needs this time to sort out how she feels about all of this.
I can't help but feel that this is just a slow path to us going our separate ways. I know I should not think this way and being negative won't help but I feel almost as though this has given her the excuse to break from me without having to just come out and say she wasn't interested in being my wife anymore. I could be wrong and hope I am but it just nags away at the back of my mind.
At least I'll still have my friends here so life can't be that bad eh.
Hello Shelley
You will always have your friends here that's for sure. Strange bunch that we are, at least we listen ha, ha :)
I can understand your fears, they are all valid ones, I just wish that i could reassure you that everything will work out for the better and you will live on with your wife, but you know we can't. :(
But on the bright side, you are still together, talking, and working through this. Think back to where you were a week or so ago, and your post that started this thread. I would have to say that you both have come along way. :)
Have patience, just remember that after a life time building your home, it takes but one brief storm to blow it down, then another lifetime to rebuild it.
Take care hon
Steph
Thanks Steph,
They do say patience is a virtue don't they.
Shelley
Well I'm sure your wondering how things for Shelley turned out.
I've just had a week away for work and while I was away my wife decided that a bottle of wine and an email would be the easiest way to tell me what she had to say. She followed this with a text message to let me know that she had sent the email. Well wasn't that an interesting process.
I received the text message late one night fortunately while I was a sleep. I was, I should add, in a place where while not at the end of the earth you could definitely see it from there, hence no access to the internet. I know that for some of you that means outside of the civilisation barrier. So the next morning I received a message informing me that the wine had given my wife the courage to take the cowards way out by sending me an email. Now think for a moment what that would mean to you. I immediately wrang my wife and my son answered the phone because my wife was driving him to school. I had then to have a pleasant conversation with my son with as you can imagine inner turmoil beyond all reasoning. When my wife dropped my son at school she rang me back. She sounded all happy and I realised that she had obviously come to a decission that had caused a great deal of relief on her part. I was struggling to talk to her but did not want the moment the end with me away from home. Finally I asked her what was in the email and she said "haven't you read it yet". I explained to her that I did not have internet access and she laughed and said it was good. Now my emotions were boiling to the surface and through a facade of tears I asked her good for who? She said for us of course! She said although she was hurt very badly by my lying to her she still loved me and could see us growing old together. The tears for became a tiradeand I was feeling relief beyond belief. My wife still loves me and wanted to stay with me. Still a day and a half before I could come home. What a long time a day can be.
I arrived home yesterday to a very warm hug and more tears.I read her email last night and as you said Steph there will be some sacrifices but nothing like I was prepared to give. Probably the biggest and most scary of them would have been not talking to all of you. Fortunately she can see how my friends here provide me with support and said she is happy for me to talk to you. She's still not happy about the name coincidence and I will probably have to do something about it butit's hard because the names been with me for more than thirty years. So the sacrifices, she does not want to see Shelley or talk about Shelley but she does acknowledge her existence. That's fine with me. She does wish that she didn't know about Shelley and that I had told her in the beginning before we had children. I can understand that. I know that Shelley will remain where she has been since we have been together. I can live with that especially as she can participate in the world here. My friends have become a very important part of my life and the lifelines you have extended to me have helped me deal with this situation sensibly and with understanding. My wife still believes that I need counselling and I agree. This is for unresolved issues in my upbringing that relates to armslength man stuff and violence toward my mother from an abusive stepfather. My wife seems to think the my gender identity is related to this although I think it is more likely that it is highlighted by it. I however am prepared to keep an open mind about it all.
So where am I. I have a loving wife who acknowledges the complex person that I am. I have hurt that person and need to allow time for that hurt to heal. I get to keep all six of my children and continue to share in their love. I have found a group of friends who I know care for and love me and I care deeply for and love right back. So really life can't get much better I am a very rich person who has a lot to be very thankful.
I know I have said this many times before but I think it needs saying again. Thankyou Susan for having the strength to maintain this lovely place and for providing me access to to the lovely people within.
To those who have extended their words of help and encouragement and those who held me for a moment in their thoughts. I thankyou. I will not try to name you all as there is always the rsik of missing onebut you know who you are and I know that you will be happy just knowing you have helped me because you are that sought of people.
Hello Shelly.
I am so very happy that you and your wife have managed to work through this together. The important part is "together" yes there were sacrifices, but small ones compared to the loss you could have experienced. As long as you are both happy, willing to stay together, work things out together, and grow old together.
I'm so, so happy that I was all teary eyed reading your post so here's a big hug for you both,
Take care hun
Steph
Hi Shelley,
Just read your post here after sending you that PM. Like Steph I'm a bit teary eyed as I write this. But I've always been a crying kind of gal. I am ecstatic for you that all is working out for you and your wife and children. You have an important life together. I would have hated to see it fall apart.
Yes, you have many friends here who love you and hold you to thier hearts and we have been sadden by your dilema. Now we can rejoice in your ressurection.
Hugs,
Cassie
I have to say it was almost as good sharing the news with my friends here as getting it in the first place. Almost.
Thanks again for being with me through it all. I'm sure your levelheads and sage advice helped. Although my wife is ok with me coming here she does not wish to and I respect that. There is however a little of me that wishes that some time in the future this will change because I think that she would get a lot from meeting the people here.
Here's hoping anyway.
Shelley
Dear Shelley
Hip Hip Hooray.
Time heals most wounds. It would have been hard for her to get her head around everything she found out but after time I was sure that she would realise you were still the same person she fell in love with. Still take one step at a time and day by day and i'm sure in no time life will be back to normal (as you know it). I am so happy for the both of you.
What a Happy to end to a story.
Love Cherrie
Thanks Cherrie,
I don't think I could ever put in words the relief I feel. I did believe that things where going to go down hill. The support of my friends here really helped me through it all and for that I am very greatful.
Shelley
Shelly:
Thank you for pointing me to this thread. It is a real eye opener for me. The advise and progress noted on this post has given me alot to think about.
Lately I have been thinking that coming out will just be a formality. I have been shaving under my arms and legs, tweezing the hair on my face, and talking about womans clothing etc with my wife. Your experience really hits home with me.
Molly
Hi Molly,
I am glad it has been helpful as you can see I thought also that my wife was on the same wavelength as me. The other important thing is to remember you are not alone. My first reactions were pretty dire but the people here, my other family, helped me through. Their support and friendship help me make the right decisions.
Good luck Molly with whichever way it goes for you and remember we are here for you.
Hugs Shelley
Hi Shelley,
I agree with molly, what a tremendously important thread this is, your experience, its unfolding progress, the helpful and relevant advice given and its upbeat conclusion (maybe not conclusion but way point reached :) ). Thank God I came across this thread much later, I read it with a sick cold feeling in my heart but was able to read on and find out that you were able to reconcile with your wife, that she loves & accepts you.
Could I ask this thou: was your wife aware that you were cross dressing when she was checking for your posts here? Was her anger due to the fact that she did not know you had a feminine side, or, that you came here? I ask this because I had a similar situation - though nothing at all as awful as yours. What surprised me was my wifes reaction not to rana, very surprisingly it was not as negative as I was expecting. But to my visiting TS chat her unhappyness in this took me totally by surprise. I am wondering how important a factor this is to spouses?
Hi Rana,
In answer to your first question I thought my wife had at least an inkling of my CDing but in fact had no idea.
Her anger seemed to be mostly that I hadn't told her in the beginning before she comitted to me. It also angered her that if I could keep my CDing secret was there anything else I could keep secret.
As to acceptance, that is amatter of degree. I think that she acceptsthat I am CD but doesn't accept Shelley all that readily.
I hope that you have been able to at least reach this comprimise with your wife.
Shelley
Dear Shelley,
Yes we should talk to our wives. However I have not because:
1. I am ashamed of feelings that I seem to have aquired at birth and
2. My wife is strongly against having sexual contact with a female.
I can appreciate my wife's sexual preference since my sexual orientation seems to be uneffected by whatever sex I am.
However over the past year my wife has stated something to me that was most astute. She told me several times that I am unhappen with myself. I keep denying her comment but somehow she knows something is truly bothering me even though I have not told her.
In general women tend to be more in tune with feelings than men and therfore I would be surprised if your wife was unaware that something was bothering you. Continue to love her and she will mirror your love back to you.
.... note to Rana... Wives would much prefer husbands to discuss their problems with their wives as opposed to other people. However Susan's Place has people with common experiences. Reading these threads can be very enlightening and healing.
Hi Wendy,
QuoteIn general women tend to be more in tune with feelings than men and therfore I would be surprised if your wife was unaware that something was bothering you.
I agree that women are more in tune. The problem for my wife is that I was not and am not unhappy with who I am. I am actually quite happy to be the way I am and I don't really feel the need to share Shelley with her. I enjoy the opprtunity to share Shelley with those here but can quite happily keep it at that level. I guess that is quite different for others here but for me the experience is in how I interact with the world and I find my inability to "pass" doesn't really bother me. It's not that way for everyone and I respect that.
Shelley
Shelley,
Thank you for sharing those details. I too have enjoyed chatting with people at this site. I had never shared any sexual identity issues with anyone and in fact denied sexual identity issues with myself.
I am glad that you are comfortable with you!
I do have one additional reason (and it is not a good reason) why husbands withhold information from their wives. That reason is the husband feels the information will bring discomfort to their wife. You felt comfortable with you and felt your wife would not be comfortable with Shelley so that you did not share Shelley with her. If that scenario is correct then sharing that truth with your wife might help her understand that you love her.
Hi Wendy,
QuoteIf that scenario is correct then sharing that truth with your wife might help her understand that you love her.
In fact it was my wife who told me she was uncomfortable with Shelley so I saw no point in pudhing the matter. One day curiousity may get the better of her.
Unfortunately I have had a bad experience with someone who said they were supoortive and encouraged me to come out and then used it as a weapon. Not that I think my wife would but it just makes you realise how vulnerable you are if you are not prepared to live fulltime.
Shelley
Quote from: Shelley on January 17, 2006, 01:23:39 PM
Unfortunately I have had a bad experience with someone who said they were supoortive and encouraged me to come out and then used it as a weapon.
This happened to me as well. Be very careful who you confide in when first coming out. I had a sister-in-law who said she was fully supportive but who then kept stabbing me in the back, all the while telling me she had my best interests at heart :(
Dawn