I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.
Mmm, maybe your thoughts on this will change.
You've got a lot of decades ahead to drag your body through.
Wouldn't it be easier if it was a body that you liked?
Also, don't underestimate the joy of being socially accepted as your true gender.
Best of luck.
Most trans people feel like that at some point in their lives.
Fact is the statistics speak for themselves. Of those who try to continue as they are a vast number end up eventually transitioning and then regretting the lost years.
Whilst concern for your family is commendable it should not really be your main concern here as you have only one life to lead and that is your own. You really must do what is right for you and not what is right for them.
As regards the fear, just look at the number of us who have successfully made the journey and take heart. I know it looks awful to start with, but the reality is that across the word hundreds of thousands of us have successfully completed the course and if you go about it in a sensible way you could do so too. It is a challenge but it's really not as scary as you think
But the bottom line is that it is your life. You have to be sure of what you do before you set out on a road like this. So just promise me one thing, if you choose to remain as you are for now, please allow yourself no regrets if later on you change your mind. Because the truth is that if you continue to desire transition, even if you fear it, you can not simply make a decision to walk away and forget it.
Each day your feeling and desires will remind you of the discrepancy and then every day those of you who did not transition yesterday, but share this feeling, must make a renewed choice. If you choose to transition that is ok, but if you choose not to that is Ok too as long as you make it work for you and are happy!
But the choice is between an ongoing battle with yourself, such as is courageously fought by the likes of Interalia, or accepting that this is who you are and transition is probably the only way to have lasting peace with yourself. In my experience ultimately the only way to silence the nagging question is to face the demon guardian of the threshold, and pass him by as you journey towards your true desires.
Whatever you decide today, and whatever you may decide tomorrow I wish you good luck.
I can't tell you to transition but don't not transition to keep your family from fighting. If they fight your happiness, then they aren't your real family, in my opinion. And about the surgery, don't be scared. You'll be knocked out and the pain will be over before you know it. Just do what you need to do to be happy bb. <3
Quote from: Lilly on July 09, 2010, 05:00:49 AM
I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.
Hmmm. Are you me, from 35 years ago?
If I'm perfectly honest, after thinking exactly the same then as you are now, even the family thing, my life has turned out OK. A lot better than others, that's for sure.
Like others here, I hope everyone here, I won't tell you what to do. I will say that, whatever you do, it must be with some conviction, some purpose.
It took me about 2 years to regret my decision. But I didn't reverse it. I'm still stuck in this male body. I built my life, and like all lives, it is based on other people and their lives. What I do affects others and I don't think I can do that to others.
Best of luck.
I have sensed that you are strong in the Force and will transition when the Force allows it. Then you will be happy with the body you want not the pitiful excuse for a girl you are at the moment.
You have learned patience..
Now you must learn to transition with HRT and surgery before it is too late.
Use your powers!
If you have none then I pity you.
All is lost if the woman inside you is trapped in a male body.
You must transition. Its your only hope.
In time others will come to your aid if you seek it.
Use your agression.
Release your anger.
I can feel the hate and fear in you. But you dont use it.
You can do this.
Be strong!
What scares me the most has nothing to do with transition at all. I live with mom and am unemployed (but i'm going back to school for my GED). I want to come out in hopes that someone will help me, and if my mom doesn't accept and kicks me out I have nowhere to go. And my dad thinks I'm gay, but I don't like men. I just wish this wasn't so hard......
Don't worry.
It's okay to make the choice to at least "wait" until you have the financial and social security allowing you to be able to transition without fear of loosing "literally" everything.
It's not a bad choice to decide to "Live with it", at least for now.
Focus on that part of your life, come back if and when you're ready.
what miniar said, i'm actually doing that myself (waiting for the right time to make the serious actions)
Again, what miniar said.
There is a time and a place for everything. From your post, #6, this is neither.
It doesn't mean you've failed. Just that you've used your head.
If right now you don't feel like you can transition, then you probably need at least to wait until you feel stronger. But I hope you won't jump to the conclusion that you won't ever change your mind. Just look back over your life at all the times you've changed your mind about this or other things. I don't get the sense that you think that it's over, and that it's just going to go away, so I'm glad that you are being realistic. So I hope you will plan ahead for a possible change later, and put money aside, stay in therapy, etc. Even if you do complete your life in a male body, ongoing therapy to help deal with the continuing stress seems like it would be especially important.
best of luck and wishes
Quote from: cynthialee on July 09, 2010, 08:29:37 AM
best of luck and wishes
Yeah.
Take care pet. Don't give up hope.
I made that same choice 20 plus years ago, and now I regret doing it. I began at 54 and still lose all that I had.
It is your choice, but I want you to know that now is the time. Don't wait those 20 plus years like i did and then regret it.
Whatever you choose, best of luck and stay strong.
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......
Hi Lilly,
Take your time it isn't a race I intended to have SRS at 20 but life intervened. I started HRT at 57, this year, but I've been living PT for a lot of my life. There is no right or wrong age. Each of us are individuals that share a common pain. But we are here to support each other, no matter what our individual circumstances are.
Hugs Honey
Cindy
Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......
Four things - apparently somewhat contradictory, by take them together and they add up to the truth.
1. We all fear that which we have no knowledge of. Fear is a healthy thing in that it can help us avoid pitfalls. But it is not a healthy thing when it effectively starts to rule your life and paralyse your ability to move forward.
2. As I already said it isnt as simple as deciding once not to change and then walking away thinking that this decision is now settled for all time because tomorrow is always a new day with new possibilities. So the firm decision you made today can always be changed tomorrow, and as many of the older transitioners on here have now told you it is never too late to start.
So today you say "I am never going to transition because I am afraid" and tomorrow you say the same thing, and the day after, and the day after that and so on for however long you live. If you do that enough times then one day you will reach the end of your life without having transitioned. That may be what you want or it may not. Only you can make that call, but you must do so in the knowledge that it will likely be an ongoing battle every single day even if some days are easier than others.
3. Whatever you do you must not start something like transition until you feel ready for it. There is no point in doing something as momemntous as this only to end up with regrets. If, one day you do decide to embrace transition and surgery, then make sure that you do so with the determination to make it work for you come what may.
4. It is true that when you are younger it is easier to transition both physically and mentally, because you have less ingrained habits and physical traits to lose. I am glad I transitioned whilst still young. However emotionally it may actually be easier when you are older, because for many people, with advancing years comes experience and emotional security. You no longer care so much what others think. Money is also an issue. When you are a little older you may have a few more financial resources to throw at the problem. However I would caution against thinking that money is the most important factor. It isnt. The most important factor is YOU, how you feel and what you really want. Money is just a tool. If you really want something you will find a way to make it happen.
Ok - put them all together and what it adds up to is this:
Don't beat yourself up over things. Don't be afraid of the future. Follow your heart and do what you really want. Have no regrets about the decisions you make or have made in the past. Enjoy your life where ever it takes you.
I'm sure you'll get it figured out one day, but in the meantime may I suggest that visiting a gender therapist and talking through your feelings without it necessarily having to lead on to transition may be a way to sort out what you feel and indeed take some of the fear out of the situation.
Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......
Lilly, OMG I wanted to cry when I read your story. Seriously, this was ME back in 1976. That was the year I met and fell in love with the woman I'm still married to. We have 3 kids. And just NOW, I'm "waking up" and realizing I still want to transition. Now I'm a mess! But I have faith I will get through this somehow. I still don't really know where this path will lead me, but with each day I get closer to knowing, and I really do think transition is in my future. These feelings will not be denied. Go to the Introductions forum and read my story - I just posted it last evening. This IS hard - no doubt about it. When I was your age, I had nowhere to turn. Maybe you feel that way, but this is a very different world. Just the fact that you can turn to this place on the Internet in the privacy of your own home and find help and understanding is a HUGE thing - I wish I'd had that all those years ago.
I can't/won't tell you what to do, but I would caution you about getting into any serious relationships until you really figure this out for yourself. I'm 54, and just starting down this road. You have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy your time, but use it wisely!
Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......
Anti-androgens aren't that pricey, and it's relatively easy to get a scrip for them. So if you want to stop the clock on masculinization, and do it on the cheap, without any visible signs of feminization, you do have options. Granted, if you can get on E before age 22, you might even get some hip growth, but it's not likely to be much, if any. It's not the end of the world.
Never use money as an excuse. I am unemployed and I am still moving forward, day by day.
I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.
Quote from: Lilly on July 11, 2010, 02:13:08 AM
I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.
Well if, as you say, he thinks you are gay and he hasn't shown any hostility to that then what have you got to lose? Absolutely nothing. Of course you should come out to him, and as soon as possible.
The truth is you can do this if you want to. The real question is whether or not you want to.
Whats a good way to bring it up to my dad?
I'm also concerned about my ten year old brother. He really looks up to me and I'm worried how transitioning (when I get to that step) would affect him.
Quote from: Lilly on July 11, 2010, 02:35:05 AM
Whats a good way to bring it up to my dad?
I'm also concerned about my ten year old brother. He really looks up to me and I'm worried how transitioning (when I get to that step) would affect him.
Well I think the way I would do it would be get a few beers in and sit around reminiscing about the past... then I'd say, kind of out of nowhere... "hey dad, you remember that time when you found all that female clothing in my room? Well I'd like to tell you the truth about that..."
But it really depends on how good your relationship with him is. I was lucky that I had a, for the most part, reasonably easy relationship with my step father (my dad sadly died whilst I was growing up).
There isn't really a wrong way as long as you do it in a fairly relaxed and easy way - no big dramas, no dramatic build up. My guess is that the more matter of fact that you can make it the easier it will go.
If you are at all worried about his reaction there is always the possibility of doing it in a letter rather than face to face. Letters are better than phone calls because both you and he get the opportunity to think carefully about what is being said before having to respond...
So if you can't do it in person or are worried that it might turn difficult, then letter first followed by phone call and/or visit. In the letter make sure you are HONEST and clear about how you feel, and if possible what you want to do about it. NO trying make out that you aren't going to do anything and that nothing will change. If you are going to come out you may as well start to be honest with people, and indeed yourself, that this is something that you are gently exploring and although you don't know yet exactly where it will go, it is important for you, and you are going to seriously explore it.
Finally I wish you good luck. That first coming out takes real courage, unless you are crazy like me and do it when you are five. In which case it takes no courage at all because you are too young to understand the implications. ;D
But either way once you are out, even if only to just one person, you will feel different, and provided it goes ok, you will find that the next coming out feels easier.
Quote from: Lilly on July 11, 2010, 02:13:08 AM
I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.
Lilly.
This is a really positive point to go forward from.
I'll come out to my father when I can, I don't see him much due to his job. The only times I really get to see him are at family picnics. There's 2 other people I'm concerned about coming out to, my mother and my grandfather. My mother isn't really "all there" and goes to therapy for depression, and I'm afraid coming out would make her depression worse. My grandfather is religous and I don't how he would take it. How can I come out to them?
OK Lilly, from the sound of it, your mother should be kept out of the picture for the moment.
Your grandfather obviously doesn't want to know.
Get yourself psyched up to tell you dad. Tell him everything. Including how you feel about him.
Jenny suggestion of a letter sounds like the way to go.
Write it on your computer, then save the file. Go back to it the next day. That way, you'll say all you want to and not what you don't.
Then, send it.
I have been there so often over the last twenty odd years. My parents know I dress but I doubt they know how deep the feelings go. Finally after years of denial and reelapsing back to the male me, years of puncturing the dysphoria with hobbies and sports, none of which I particularly was good at, I have allowed the real me to develop.
I still can't tell my family. A mixture of guilt, fear and low self confidence keeps holding me back. I am at the stage in my life where I cannot turn back again and the road forward to transition is the only viable path.
I would say to others, build the strength early as the longer time passes, the harder it can be.
Perhaps I should see if my mother can get me my own therapist? Do I neccesserily need a gender therapist, or will a regular therapist work? I feel I will have to eventually come out to my mom and grandfather, because a)if i go through HRT my mom needs to know since i live with her and b)its in my grandfathers will that i inherit his house
Quote from: Lilly on July 09, 2010, 05:00:49 AM
I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.
Lilly I'd like to invite you to read my blog. 1 year and 1 day ago, I was in the same boat exactly as you...saying all of these things to myself and it did not lead to a good road until I was able to accept myself and start down the path to transition.
Hope it can be helpful to you. This is the first blog post I wrote over a year ago: http://blog.jericanation.com/2009/07/that-look.html (http://blog.jericanation.com/2009/07/that-look.html) . Read on to see how things progressed.
<3 Jerica
Post Merge: July 12, 2010, 03:33:03 PM
Quote from: Lilly on July 12, 2010, 01:17:14 AM
Perhaps I should see if my mother can get me my own therapist? Do I neccesserily need a gender therapist, or will a regular therapist work? I feel I will have to eventually come out to my mom and grandfather, because a)if i go through HRT my mom needs to know since i live with her and b)its in my grandfathers will that i inherit his house
I'd suggest a gender therapist. Just make sure it's not a religious therapist, ugh.
Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?
Quote from: Lilly on July 14, 2010, 04:41:05 AM
Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?
There are some therapists listed in the non forum section of susans here https://www.susans.org/Transitioning/Therapists/ (https://www.susans.org/Transitioning/Therapists/). But more generally googling "Gender therapist" and your state name should produce a starting point.
Oh and going back to your previous questions I think you should concentrate on your parents first and worry about your brother and grandfather a bit later.
I fear religious people can be unpredictable. Sometimes they can be really difficult, even offensive, and other times they can become your biggest defenders and allies. A lot I think depends on how you put it over to them. So don't ever prejudge the outcome.
One think I would caution though. If you get offered "divine healing" by your grandfather I would refuse point blank to even think about thinking about thinking about it and RUN as fast as you can in a different direction.
I made the mistake of reaching out for such so called healing and in my experience all that happens is that you find yourself being pushed further and further down an uncomfortable path, getting further and further away from your true self, and becoming ever more repressed, angry and unhappy. They continually promise you that if you take just one more step of faith the Lord will surely act, meanwhile the desires continue unabated.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES go there unless you want to waste years of your life getting progressively more screwed up.
Quote from: Lilly on July 14, 2010, 04:41:05 AM
Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?
Here's another one. There's probably some duplicate info between this one and the wiki, and I don't how up to date it is.
http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html (http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html)
I'd be wary of just googling gender therapist. I hear some nightmare stories from folks who have wound up going to someone who is not helpful at all, and even reveals months later that they never intended to ever write a letter for HRT. Some folks who bill themselves as gender therapists are on a mission to stop transitioners. But unless you live in Tundraville, Alaska, there is usually a local organization that knows the score about all the local gender therapists and can make sure you get a good one. IF you PM me the state you live in, I'll try and help you find one near you. I'd dimilarly be wary of taking just any gender therapist off of these lists. You want to make sure they are going to be helpful before wasting time and money.
Quote from: Lilly on July 14, 2010, 04:41:05 AM
Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?
Also note that surgeons tend to have lists of therapists. I found my therapist by calling Marci Bowers' office and they sent me all the gender therapists they knew of in WA state.
Quote from: Lilly on July 09, 2010, 05:00:49 AM
I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.
Yeah i tried to put my thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind and try to live a normal life, didnt work, no matter how successful i was i was miserable, anxious, and mostly depressed, only one thing ran in my head since i was 5 and that was i wasnt normal and for some reason really wanted to be a female. I waited and wasted a huge portion of my life because I was afraid, i regret not transitioning earlier to this day.
Let me tell you this much, what your doing right now isnt living, its acting. Eventually you will feel stress from it like any other actress having to work for a long period of time. Once you drop the act you start living. In my case i went from a total loser as a man to a total success as a woman, and all i did was stop acting like guy and just stayed true to my feelings and who i really was.
Let me give you this warning though...
Transitioning isnt for wimps, it takes a lot to do it, and you have to be willing to give up everything to start and I mean everything. Your family, friends, career, and possibly even your life. For me the choice was easy, i was so depressed i was already slowly killing myself by food in hopes to get a heart attack and end all the pain. So the choice for me was life and death. Also, if you dont have a job then get one, if you cant live on your own with 1 job, then get 2, whatever it takes, you have to give 100% if you want to reach your goal. When i decided to transition i went full on 100% and did everything i could to increase my chances of success, at many times i was down to my last dollar, i was unemployed, barely making it, but i didnt give up no matter how bad things got. I also was afraid that when it was all over i wouldnt be passable, after all i didnt have much to work with, however the hope that everything would turn out ok kept me going. I cant complain about the results:
me when i started(on a good day):
http://www.hawaiibd.com/10.jpg (http://www.hawaiibd.com/10.jpg)
me now:
http://www.hawaiibd.com/A3.jpg (http://www.hawaiibd.com/A3.jpg)
All i really want to say is all the pain was worth it, for a long time i wished for 1 day as a woman, i would have given the rest of my life for one day, I have had 1 whole wonderful year, and many more to come.
I wish you luck in whatever path you choose, but know that nothing happens if you just sit on your ass and hope things get better, if they are bad, make them better yourself! you can do it, if its what you really want.
Amen to what Izumi said!!! =)
Quote from: Jerica on July 14, 2010, 03:18:27 PM
Amen to what Izumi said!!! =)
and I totally second that! I too dove in head first, heart and soul, no turning back, no regrets. The cost was high, but I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life. It was more than worth it.
I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.
Quote from: Lilly on July 15, 2010, 03:21:48 AM
I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.
There is this old contraption called a telephone. People used to use it to talk to each other. Someone who looks a lot like me used it to call friends and say. Hi, how's things, there is something I need to tell you and since you are really important to me I wanted to talk to you. See I'm TG, etc etc.
Works really well :laugh: :laugh:
Cindy
Quote from: Lilly on July 15, 2010, 03:21:48 AM
I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.
Lilly. It's great to hear you feeling more positive. It really is. :D
Yes, I've been feeling a bit more positive lately (maybe from being here?). Since I don't see him much, I've been using this time to think about what I'm going to say when I do see him.