Edit: I am transitioning. See later posts. :)
Hi! So obviously none of you have seen me around before because I just registered, but I've read a fair number of the posts around here, and decided to ask for some input from all of you.
I was born male, and didn't really think about my gender identity that much for years. When I was six or so I dressed up with my younger sister and walked around the house in a snow white dress (my parents had company! oops!). I also recall having dreams about being a woman, but not all that frequently.
Eventually when I hit puberty, I started getting aroused by things (no ->-bleeped-<-, right?), but all my fantasies were me as a woman, typically either doing things on my own or with another girl. It pretty much stayed like this for a while, and I just thought it was normal. Didn't really feel "wrong" in my body or anything, however. Then eventually I switched rooms with my parents, and for the first few days when I was in there, all their stuff hadn't been moved out, including my mom's clothes. Upon seeing them at night I would dress up for a while before going to bed; after a few days they just moved everything out though. Howveer, I was rather determined and would take every opportunity I was home alone or during the middle of the night and dress up. This continued for years, until eventually I was caught in shorts with my shirt off; eventually I caved and confessed to my dad, who didn't seem to approving and strongly discouraged me from doing it again. A few months later and I was completely ignoring what he said, however. This whole time I would day dream about being a woman, even thought if I could switch I would, but didn't know about HRT/SRS/transitioning, and didn't give it much thought.
About two years ago I started assuming a female persona online, and would spend more time thinking about clothes and being feminine. Still didn't really know it was possible to transition, until eventually someone informed me I could seek hormone therapy and be endowed with breasts and other such feminine features. I played around with this in my head for a while, but I decided I didn't want to do anything permanent; I think I didn't realise how complete transitions could be.
Then I ended up moving to Australia with my family (they're missionaries, it's a long story) to communal living; I stopped dressing because it just wasn't possible, and for the most part put it all out of my mind for a while. I was super stressed because I wanted to move back home, and ended up having to deal with a bunch of other issues. Once I got home, however, I started thinking about it and my gender identity more and more; for the last few years I would pray to be turned into a girl, or be able to switch back and forth, and would toy with the idea of transitioning. I would daydream about returning and seeing old friends and family as a girl a lot. When I had moved back to the US to live with my grandparents (a little over a year ago), this consumed even more of my thoughts and I eventually measured myself and bought some underwear an Victoria's Secret in Boston while I was traveling to visit friends. I messed up because I was so nervous and bought the wrong size though, and eventually got rid of it so no one would find it. Oh, and around this time I become an atheist, so no more believing god could turn me into a woman.
Fantasies, dressing, and daydreaming continued for months until I had convinced myself that once I got to college and my own apartment, I would buy a bunch of clothes and live as a woman when I was alone, but never mentally committed to fully transitioning. I also started growing my hair out; it's down to my shoulders now and nice and thick. :)
Then one day I ended up doing a bunch of research online and felt like I needed to do something permanent; I ended up coming out to my friend (she's a lesbian and very open minded) and deciding to see a therapist and hopefully transition when I went to college, but ended up deciding I didn't want to do that because I thought I wouldn't feminise very well and never pass.
That was about two months ago; lately it's been consuming even more and more of my thinking time, and last night I ended up deciding I probably should transition, but have been rather stressed about the whole thing in general. I have a doctor's appointment (I love my doctor, I would have no problem telling her) in a month and a half, and then basically a week afterwards I go to college. At the moment I'm a little under a month away from being eighteen, and thankfully my family has a history of maturing kinda late, so I feel like this is a really critical time to start hormone therapy. I don't really want to wait a month, but I couldn't self-med even if I thought it was a good idea, and I'm still not 100% sure if I should do it. So I ask for your input; am I just a habitual crossdresser who should continue life as a man, or should I pursue hormone therapy? I don't want to come out to my family and go back on it; ideally I only come out to my doctor and college friends and return at the end of the year much feminised; maybe returning for Christmas I can look boyish enough.
Thankfully I've been blessed with small hands and feet, and I'm not that tall. I have a fairly masculine jaw and nose, but I right now wishful thinking tells me hormones would set me straight.
So thanks for reading this behemoth post, and any input you have is desired. I live in Massachusetts for the record, and I'm going to UMass Amherst in the fall, if anyone has any resources or contacts they want to recommend.
Welcome to the group, you are going to fit right in.
As to weather or not you should or shouldn't trasition ....Only you can figure that out.
**hugs
Cynthia Lee
Be Transsexual is basically a self-diagnosed disorder. I really wish there was something else to call it. The SOC recommend a year irl, before HRT, but you should seek out a gender therapist and explore your feelings and the possibility of transition.
Bah, I wish it was simpler, it's rather stressful. I guess I'll just talk to my doctor about it though and have her get me in touch with a therapist. That's normal, right? I don't just look up a therapist or specialist and call them cold; I talk to my PCP?
I found mine in the phonebook under gender therapist.
I talked to my doctor about it after I had already secured an apointment with a gender therapist. I was very opposed to jumping through the hoops that other people have set up, and in many ways I am still opposed to the standards. But....if we want to transition safely and well we follow the system somewhat.
Find a gender therapist. Not just any therapist will do. If you have a therapist willing to learn and with an open mind then the therapist need not specificaly be a gender therapist. However someone who is well grounded in knowledge of our needs can be very helpful. Keep in mind that your therapist is there to help, not hinder. And if the therapist is a hinderance move on. Find a new therapist. Your therapist will help facilitate your transition if they are any good at their job.
Hi SamanthaElle,
Greetings from another newcomer of this forum!
I am really happy to read your post; it makes me feel that I am not alone and my situation is shared by someone else. Your story is almost the same with mine, but maybe I'm getting a step faster than you -- I have finally determined to start this procedure and I've been starting hormones for a week!
Anyway, I am glad to see you and am looking forward to read more of your stories. Hope you will get happier in the future!
Best,
Tiffy
I lived my complicated mental life until one day the alarm went off, and I knew I had to do something. A little social networking later, I found myself in a support group meeting in a local living room. Thanks to the people I met at that meeting, I came away with the name & email address of a therapist, who I asked for a pre-hormone screening.
That approach worked out so well for me that I can't help but suggest it as an option on the table for somebody thinking hard about making a change.
Only you can make the final decision to pull the trigger on transition, but it can sure help to snag referrals to some local transfolk, and from there to a therapist &/or doctor with a good rep among people who are already transitioning.
SamanthaElle,You might want to check out the new Standards of Care for Trans-Genders that just bought out just recently!!!
They changed it being under Medical.
A question we all are dealing with now or have dealt with in the past. Seems like there are a few of us newbies on here
Is it normal to feel all stressed and tense when thinking about it? Most of the time when I don't think about it or my gender identity, I'm fine, but when I do I get all tense and shakey. :/
This may be TMI (so maybe stop reading now?), but whenever I masturbate I tend to feel like it's all silly and I shouldn't bother, and that I'm just a normal guy with some 'strange' thoughts. Normal?
Quote from: SamanthaElle on July 19, 2010, 12:29:43 AM
This may be TMI (so maybe stop reading now?), but whenever I masturbate I tend to feel like it's all silly and I shouldn't bother, and that I'm just a normal guy with some 'strange' thoughts. Normal?
I may suggest you to start hormones. After hormones I never had the idea of masturbating again, and it makes me much easier to concentrate on my study/work.
Unfortunately post-masturbation is when I'm most at ease. :( Otherwise it disturbs my studying or working or whatever; I was watching a movie but ended up thinking about it, getting stressed, and coming here. Normally it's all I can focus on if I end up thinking about it at all.
Quote from: SamanthaElle on July 19, 2010, 12:49:24 AM
Unfortunately post-masturbation is when I'm most at ease. :( Otherwise it disturbs my studying or working or whatever; I was watching a movie but ended up thinking about it, getting stressed, and coming here. Normally it's all I can focus on if I end up thinking about it at all.
Yes, I was having the similar problem with you before starting hormones, but after taking Estrogen I found myself never want to masturbate again -- I just don't have the sex drive anymore.
Some sources are saying that by taking hormones for a long time (three months or more, as I remember) the 'male' sex drive will disappear and finally replaced by a 'female' sex drive (I wonder what it will be). I have also read articles saying that by taking hormones the brain will gradually adopt a 'female structure'. I can't wait to see if this will really happen.
Well, on a certain level, what's normal is way less important than the fact that XYZ is stressful and tense for you. But sexual activity, whether with self or others, does tend to take the edge off, due to biological reasons.
Quote from: Bam on July 17, 2010, 10:19:15 AM
You might want to check out the new Standards of Care for Trans-Genders that just bought out just recently!!!
They changed it being under Medical.
I'm not clear what this is referring to.
The current version of the WPATH SOC is still the 6th Version which has been out for a while.
World Professional Association for Transgender Health's Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders (http://www.wpath.org/documents2/socv6.pdf)
Deciding whether to transition is a difficult decision.
The decision can be clouded by many issues, some of which may disappear or change with HRT.
You have to decide what is right for you.
Don't get too bogged down in rationalizing or determining the origin of your dysphoria.
Certainly don't try to compete with some person or standard of "trans-ness".
In the final analysis the decision boils down to, "Will you be happier transitioning?"
Quote from: SamanthaElle on July 19, 2010, 12:29:43 AM
Is it normal to feel all stressed and tense when thinking about it? Most of the time when I don't think about it or my gender identity, I'm fine, but when I do I get all tense and shakey. :/
This may be TMI (so maybe stop reading now?), but whenever I masturbate I tend to feel like it's all silly and I shouldn't bother, and that I'm just a normal guy with some 'strange' thoughts. Normal?
You sound like your pretty much text book TS, however i would see a therapist so they can help you sort things out before you jump right into this thing. Being TS is not easy, its the hardest thing you will ever do, if your an MTF like me, you will have to endure a lot, so therapy gets you ready for it.
As I stated before in another post, transitioning isnt for wimps. You have to first be willing to give up everything you treasure in life to be you, your friends, your family, your career, and in some cases even your life, and for what? a chance to be who you really are, but the results of the transition are a combination of luck and genetics. If your younger the figures are skewed in your favor though. Its a lot of pain, electroysis, laser hair removal, waxing (heh brazillian >,<), waking up an extra hour earlier to do hair and makeup, cloths, shoes, HRT shots / pills, tightlace, diet, exercise, then SRS and possibly FFS at the end, So if you like working your ass off for uncertain results and having little to no money because of the cost of treatment and surgeries. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! ^_^b
but is the results of all this worth it? in my case yes, it was a life and death decision, so making it was easy. Now i am enjoying life as myself, and i couldnt be happier. I wish you the same in any decisions you make. Now i am just like any other woman depressed at my aging body not being able to squeeze into size 4 jeans, or compete with those 18 year old beach bodies, and models in magazines, but that normal for being a woman. ^_^
Is it common to think of it as, "I am not a girl now, but should be.", rather than "I am a girl and my body should match?". In some aspects I already do sometimes, but not most of the time.
Quote from: Renate on July 19, 2010, 06:09:53 AM
In the final analysis the decision boils down to, "Will you be happier transitioning?"
That's the big question which I can't answer. :(
I wish it was possible to start HRT and see how I feel.
Quote from: SamanthaElle on July 19, 2010, 10:05:26 PM
Is it common to think of it as, "I am not a girl now, but should be.", rather than "I am a girl and my body should match?". In some aspects I already do sometimes, but not most of the time.
I can't say how common it is, but it's a pretty sane way to express dysphoria.
QuoteI wish it was possible to start HRT and see how I feel.
Even that may not even settle the matter, of course, but it is an objective to keep in your sights.
All the confusion and dismay sucks big time, but at least you're in good company.
*I wish it was possible to start HRT and see how I feel?*
This in fact, was in part what Dr Reed would suggest as a diagnostic tool....
(Hormones for 3 months or so in a fully developed male, would not be too damaging long-term)
If the person liked the subtle changes and results....they would continue with them...
If they definitely didn't - ditto it would help confirm they were in fact not suffering with acute dysphoria...
I might have to see about that, then! I wish I could go and see someone now until waiting for college. :(
I wasnt even willing to go part time until I had tried HRT and decided if it was going to agree with me.
Yeah I definitely could not pass withuot some HRT, definitely not going part or full time until that changes. I guess I'll swap once it becomes impossible or really hard to hide. Probably the best way I think, then it's easier for people to get used to it, and less stressful for me. I guess we'll see.
I'm curious though, does anyone else feel like they're not completely a woman yet, but should be, rather than are and need their body to match?
Quote from: SamanthaElle on July 19, 2010, 10:05:26 PM
Is it common to think of it as, "I am not a girl now, but should be.", rather than "I am a girl and my body should match?". In some aspects I already do sometimes, but not most of the time.
Both those statements ring true for me, just depends on my state of mind at the time.. Like you, I'm at the beginning of my journey and, until recently, never considered that being trans was an option.. Now that I've accepted it as an option, I feel better about myself than I have in a long time..
Sorry to play thread necrophilia, but I made an appointment with a therapist for this Thursday! Two days! :D
As time has gone by I feel like I'm more of a girl inside, I guess. I notice I get a bit more feminine when I get excited, probably a good sign. I was told it normally takes around 3 months of therapy before therapists can prescribe hormones; is this true? I think I'd want to start sooner if possible, but naturally I don't want to self med for a plethora of reasons.
That's not exactly set in stone. I received my meds the same day.
It may be helpful to find out if you're working with therapists & physicians who use an "informed consent" model.
Hey baby, welcome to the never never land! At least you are so young and whole life awaits you.
You have won already! Confronting dysphoria at your age makes for greater chance of happiness and wholeness in the near future. As to the results of transition, starting at 18 you are nearly guaranteed 100% full passability and if endowed with good genes you might even be a looker.
Now as to your original question, transition in its self encompasses multitude of small details but overall individual is pursuing such to cure the disconnect between brain and body sexual characteristics. Even though it is often referred as sexual characteristic, the feeling of being a woman or man in clinical approach goes deeper than mere sexuality and starts at the core of identity. HRT has tendency to separate physical sexual craving and identity into separate, easily observable behaviors. So in the essence, you want to know if your desires are set on by sexual stimuli or dwell within your identity as a girl. There is nothing wrong with being confused and just to make you feel better most of us had another 20-30 years of this prolonged confusion to finally come to the same conclusion at the end.
I wish you wonderful experience with your therapist and that you may clear your mind and decipher who you are, all my love, Alexia
So it was today! It went pretty well; she said things would take a while before I could start doing anything like HRT (she mentioned something about the 'benjamin protocol', but I can only find stuff on the 'benjamin scale'), but I think it's good to be sure before I do anything, as naturally it might be a bad idea to jump into it.
Hooray!
Just made an appointment with an endocrinologist! Unfortunately it's not until April 22nd which is far too long in the future for my liking. :(
You have waited a lifetime to get that apointment. April 22 is a cake walk for a veteran sufferer like you eh?
Keep in mind this...You will not be likely to get your hormones on the 22nd. The doctor needs to get baseline hormone levels for you and likely will be spending this first visit getting to know you and your case.
You need to remain patient but the reward is soooo worth it and very close now.
Hugz and luv.
Am I transgender? Should I transition? These are the kind of questions that, if you are even asking them, the answer is probably yes.
Quote from: GinaDouglas on February 08, 2011, 03:25:54 PM
Am I transgender? Should I transition? These are the kind of questions that, if you are even asking them, the answer is probably yes.
Yeah, came to that conclusion a bit ago.
Quote from: cynthialee on February 08, 2011, 03:06:31 PM
You have waited a lifetime to get that apointment. April 22 is a cake walk for a veteran sufferer like you eh?
Keep in mind this...You will not be likely to get your hormones on the 22nd. The doctor needs to get baseline hormone levels for you and likely will be spending this first visit getting to know you and your case.
You need to remain patient but the reward is soooo worth it and very close now.
Hugz and luv.
Ach, that's too bad. Although my therapist did say it was possible to get a prescription then. I guess we'll have to see.
Quote from: GinaDouglas on February 08, 2011, 03:25:54 PM
Am I transgender? Should I transition? These are the kind of questions that, if you are even asking them, the answer is probably yes.
How true!! It simply never occurs to any 'normal' person to doubt their gender. Another real tell: just being able to contemplate the loss of penis and testicles. Most guys fear that more than death itself. If you don't, well ...