Jer*****
I won't take time to dispute anything you have said. Your VLOG concerning your faith says it all dear. Dad nor Jenna wanted to hear it, but I had to hear what you believe in your heart! You believe in God and Jesus who saved you from your sins, but you no longer believe you should follow the remaining content of the Bible, or take it as God's intended law, even amidst the many warnings that many will fall away. We pray that you are not among those who are foretold, but honestly, though we never thought anything could EVER come between us and our children, choosing this path appears to be the exception. And the saddest part is that we will all be miserable because you don't even see yourself as the prodigal who has left us.
All of that being said, we will pray for you daily for the rest of our lives and grieve the son who has abandoned us. We will pray for your safety and hopefully for the conviction of what you have done to someday happen, as we will graciously take you back into our arms and continue to love you as if nothing has ever happened. We cannot understand why you think you have a deformity and we did nothing to cause this, but under the circumstances, we must now follow what HIS WORD instructs. You are the best son your parents could ever have and our lives will never be the same without you... We love you Jer****, with all of our hearts... and we have NOT disowned our son.
I am only sorry that we are at an impasse, that neither of us can cross the lines that we have drawn, not even because we don't want to be around you, but because we honestly believe what you are doing is wrong and for all the wrong reasons.
No one does this at your age with the intensity, speed and aggressiveness, unless you have had a breakdown or something that has cause your thinking to be unclear. Remember that we pray for you, and even fast for you, in an effort to see what God's will is in all of this mess.
I will love you forever, Mom
*big hugs*
Wow, I'm sorry to read that. Does it mean they don't want to talk to you anymore?
They may not have completely disowned you, but what they did sounds very painful and the words are painful to read and they're not even to me.
/me 's hed kerplodes
I'm so sorry sweety.... maybe one day the lord will show them that they are wrong...
The bible says nothing against transpeople so why do christians?
We know the truth of what god has put in your heart. You have to be true to you and that sux when it costs family and friends.
I wish I had some words to soothe what must be a terrible wound to your heart but I only have a virtual hug.
**hugz**
Quote from: Shang on July 19, 2010, 05:18:12 PM
*big hugs*
Wow, I'm sorry to read that. Does it mean they don't want to talk to you anymore?
They may not have completely disowned you, but what they did sounds very painful and the words are painful to read and they're not even to me.
Oh yes they pretty much disowned me when I first came out. They wouldn't allow me at their house with nail polish on for my own birthday party. Then they asked for my house key back that they gave me when I was 14. I've not stepped foot in the house since before then and only seen them at weddings....one of which they asked the bride and groom NOT to invite me to.
Wow, I am so so sorry Jerica. I can't even begin to imagine what reading those words must have done to you.
I have a similar problem. My father, a devout baptist, does not know of my transition. I know his position on things like this, and am terrified to tell him, but I must. I haven't seen him in over a year and I agonize on how to write the email that might lose him to me forever. In retrospect, I always felt like a disappointment to him. I was always so quick to cry, he looked at me like a "sissy" and was always frustrated with me. I didn't like fishing and hunting, I didn't want to learn how to fix cars. We had no common ground, nothing to help us relate as people. I know he loves me as his son, but he is definitely not as fond of me as he is my younger brother whom he shares so many interests with.
My heart goes out to you Jerica. It's so sad when people choose their faith over their own children.
~April
Gosh, what a hard letter.
I'm really sorry you ahd to get this Jerica.
HUGS!!
Don't you love that last bit of reasoning? "No one does this at your age..."
Yeah because it wasn't allowed until recently.
I thought it was funny too that she had to add "and we did nothing to cause this" and "unless you have had a breakdown or something".
As if one day you will snap out of it and come to your senses and go "oh, my bad, I don't know what I could have been thinking."
It's just so sad sad sad I can't describe it.
Jerica
It isn't my place to criticise their faith. Though I don't understand nor accept it. Their reference to: We pray that you are not among those who are foretold, suggests a Calvanist influence.
But, assuming for a moment, that you have committed some terrible sin, what does shutting themselves off from you do?
Does it prevent that sin from affecting them?
Who are they to judge you? Jesus told us we must never judge each other.
Jerica, I honestly don't believe that what you have done is sinful.
Having said that, from the information in that email, this would seem to be inevatable.
I sincerely hope you can find the strength to deal with this. It will be a huge burden. I went through something similar. It hurts more than can be described.
But you are being true to yourself. You are becoming a good and wonderful woman who is contributing and supporting herself.
Whatever trials or problems meet you in the future, I wish you every support and blessing.
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 06:04:27 PM
Oh yes they pretty much disowned me when I first came out. They wouldn't allow me at their house with nail polish on for my own birthday party. Then they asked for my house key back that they gave me when I was 14. I've not stepped foot in the house since before then and only seen them at weddings....one of which they asked the bride and groom NOT to invite me to.
My goodness. *hugs again* I'm so sorry to hear that. How're you holding up?
This is so sad bb! UGH. Also, I like how she says she's not disowning you and acting like you left them or something. I think she's just trying to justify what she's doing to her daughter. :( I hope you don't let this get you down, you don't deserve it! And they don't deserve to know you. :(
O/t but you're new avatar is so pretty! :)
Hi Jerica
It hurts when this kind of stuff happens with family... I went through the disowned thing with my sister a couple of months ago...
I actually thought she was supportive until she left a nasty voice message on my answer machine about how I was no longer welcome in her house and not to call her and that I was just making a fool of myself
Yes, she is very religious also
I think my that my rather obvious boobs may have had something to do with it... Although I did try to hide them when I went over to visit
It is odd how they try to blame you for their behavior
You've come a long way rather quickly and you look great
Don't let anyone stop you from being yourself and enjoying Your life
{{{HUGS}}}
Quote from: Shang on July 19, 2010, 06:36:21 PM
My goodness. *hugs again* I'm so sorry to hear that. How're you holding up?
I'm ok. My parents have been the hardest trial of my transition. I was very close to them growing up and I did everything they asked of me. I guess they are still so very surprised and they just don't want to get over it. I just don't know how I can go on with life without them some days and I cry and cry. Other days I'm able to bury it and be happy for who I am. Some days I think about detransitioning just to have them love me again but the thought of trying to be a boy again makes me extremely suicidal.
sigh.
Post Merge: July 19, 2010, 10:35:15 PM
Quote from: andthenwekisss on July 19, 2010, 06:53:33 PM
This is so sad bb! UGH. Also, I like how she says she's not disowning you and acting like you left them or something. I think she's just trying to justify what she's doing to her daughter. :( I hope you don't let this get you down, you don't deserve it! And they don't deserve to know you. :(
O/t but you're new avatar is so pretty! :)
Thanks girl and thanks everybody for your encouragement.
Oh, Jerica, I'm so sorry for you getting that letter. That must have hurt a lot. *HUGS* I have a feeling that when I'm able to move out of here and start transitioning I will likely receive a rather similar response from my mom. Fortunately I don't have to worry about any reaction from a father and don't really care what my siblings think - really not part of my life and haven't been for years (ever?).
I have heard the religious reactions and rationales before and I must admit it dumbfounds me. I have not been to church in nearly 40 years, so much of it is kind of fuzzy, but I seem to remember there being a lot about "thou shalt not judge - only GOD can judge", "GOD created all people in his own image - not GOD created straight heterosexual, male, Caucasian (or race of choice)". There are so many things about religion that confuse me and I am so sorry that your family seems to be disowning you, but not their son.
I would hope that for you, for me, and for all others who go are (have) gone through similar experiences, that our families can get to a point when they can see that we can succeed and become truly happy with ourselves and will learn to accept us.
You are a very beautiful woman and a great member of this family. *HUGS*
Deanna
np bb. feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to talk to! <3 stay strong! :)
To say that these losses suck almost seems empty in comparison with the depth of the suckfest they really are.
And for me at least, all the extra bits thrown in to emphasize how terribly reasonable they're being with us as we're shunned just rubs salt in it.
Not cool at all. You have my complete empathy.
It's bizarre how christians are the least understanding group of people with a lot of issues yet they seem to think they are all about love and togetherness. hhmmm a strange bunch indeed that I am sorry you have to deal with during such a trying time of your life. *hugs*.
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 05:09:56 PM
Jer*****
I won't take time to dispute anything you have said. Your VLOG concerning your faith says it all dear. Dad nor Jenna wanted to hear it, but I had to hear what you believe in your heart! You believe in God and Jesus who saved you from your sins, but you no longer believe you should follow the remaining content of the Bible, or take it as God's intended law, even amidst the many warnings that many will fall away. We pray that you are not among those who are foretold, but honestly, though we never thought anything could EVER come between us and our children, choosing this path appears to be the exception. And the saddest part is that we will all be miserable because you don't even see yourself as the prodigal who has left us.
All of that being said, we will pray for you daily for the rest of our lives and grieve the son who has abandoned us. We will pray for your safety and hopefully for the conviction of what you have done to someday happen, as we will graciously take you back into our arms and continue to love you as if nothing has ever happened. We cannot understand why you think you have a deformity and we did nothing to cause this, but under the circumstances, we must now follow what HIS WORD instructs. You are the best son your parents could ever have and our lives will never be the same without you... We love you Jer****, with all of our hearts... and we have NOT disowned our son.
I am only sorry that we are at an impasse, that neither of us can cross the lines that we have drawn, not even because we don't want to be around you, but because we honestly believe what you are doing is wrong and for all the wrong reasons.
No one does this at your age with the intensity, speed and aggressiveness, unless you have had a breakdown or something that has cause your thinking to be unclear. Remember that we pray for you, and even fast for you, in an effort to see what God's will is in all of this mess.
I will love you forever, Mom
This Email made my heart Hurt :(
I'm So Sorry Jerica.
I'm sorry that you're Family is Missing out on such a beautiful human being
For such selfish reasoning and putting beliefs before family.
That to me Is unchristian.
My heart goes out to you, my Sister
for what it's worth, You will Always have Me <3
Jocelyn
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 08:34:20 PM
Some days I think about detransitioning just to have them love me again but the thought of trying to be a boy again makes me extremely suicidal.
The truth is detransitioning is hell. I had that more or less forced upon me aged 16 by a therapist in 1976.
I ended up in an extremist religious community where they kept pushing divine healing at me, and telling me that if I just took one more step of faith the Lord would surely act.
Needless to say he never did, and I spent several years getting more an more depressed and suicidal, further and further away from what I knew was my truth, and more and more screwed up inside.
Ok I'm going to share something with you all now that until now I have only told one or two people here in private. I kind of feel it is my "guilty" dark secret so treat me gently over the fact that I have always previously edited this bit out of my accounts.
The steps of faith they demanded even involved finding a good christian girl and marrying her. This I did, but unsurprisingly it did not last long. I was less than 21 at the time. The error signal that the "marriage" generated in me, watching her being everything I wanted to be was too much. I was physically sick on my weeding night. I could not BEAR to touch her. The thought of playing the male role physically repulsed me and in the end I knew that divorce and proper transition were the only way forward.
It was only at the point when I found that repressed feeling an anger turning to a hatred of women and the desire (which fortunately I never acted upon) to *punish* her violently for what she was allowed to have whilst I was denied that I realised that making yourself into a screwed up distorted hateful deformed spirit just to fit in with another failible human beings shallow and limited understanding of God's love and purpose was actually the ultimate blasphemy!
I knew that if I had not accepted his calling to become myself I would have either offed myself, or her, or most likely both of us, and instead of calling me an inspiration now, my epitaph would have been that of a murderer.
It is like saying to your maker, "Ok you made me like this an called me to this life for a reason, but now I'm going to fling it all back in your face, and go follow the word of a fallible man instead of the word of God"
OK I'm now a Pagan, so my spiritual understanding is slightly different now, but at the time I would have said that "God spoke to me and asked me how much longer it was going to be before I accepted that his answer to my requests for healing was NO! He had a nobler purpose for me. A harder path to travel, but one which, for me, would represent his best, and that I was not to worry about others. Let them learn their error in their own due time."
God speaks to each of us of his purpose for OUR own lives. He does not, as a rule, tell someone else about what is our business, and likewise he is unlikely to tell you of theirs.
Needless to say I was rapidly thrown out of the fellowship, which felt like a loss of family, as at the time almost all of my friends and social life revolved around them. Funny thing is that in later life I did get a letter of semi apology, send via my parents, from two of my tormentors in the church, her parents. That meant a lot, and I am happy to report that after we divorced she went to university, got herself a degree, met a nice man and settled down. So God rewarded her for her faithfulness in not holding a grudge.
The other thing I learned is that you can't put that genie back in the bottle.
If you TRY to back track and de-transition your relationships with others will never quite go back the way they were, one because you will know you are living a lie and two because they will suspect, even if they don't admit it.
The way forward - is - well... FORWARD!
God willing you may yet find that they may come to their senses, but if not then perhaps take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in what you are going through.
I was lucky to have loving and supportive parents, but even so, parents don't last forever, and by the time I was in my early thirties both of mine were gone from this life, and as I am an only child, were it not for Alison, I would be alone in the world. Sadly you have had to face that situation a little earlier, but I say take heart, and trust that God will provide all that is needful to you.
I am so sorry, and I deeply feel for your trial. But I truly believe that your God has you by the hand and has your back. You will come through this victorious, and the better person for it.
Please take that assurance from someone who, at least in part, has been there.
Jenny x.
Quote from: JocelynFreiky on July 19, 2010, 11:45:48 PM
This Email made my heart Hurt :(
I'm So Sorry Jerica.
I'm sorry that you're Family is Missing out on such a beautiful human being
For such selfish reasoning and putting beliefs before family.
That to me Is unchristian.
My heart goes out to you, my Sister
for what it's worth, You will Always have Me <3
Jocelyn
Thanks girl =) *hugs*
That email made me tear up a little.. How could anyone who purports to love you, treat you like that? *HUGS* Unusually, it also made me a little mad.
I'm fairly sure my family will not react that way, even my aunt who is a Minister in the Uniting Church..
What I find particulaly devestating about that E-mail is that she seems like she is desperate to be the victim, consistantly casting blame on her own daughter for being who she is. I find this sort of thing very immature for a parent.
All I can say is hang in there Jerica, your family may be hurt and confused by the whole expierence of transiton, but I am sure they are alot happier than if you were to be dead, and I get the feeling if you gave in to their desires that you wouldn't be living all that long...
In some ways this makes me happy that I made a preemptive strike and cut my family almost totally out fo my life 11 years ago. It seems to me alot harder to be loved then shunned, rather than never loved at all.
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 08:34:20 PM
I'm ok. My parents have been the hardest trial of my transition. I was very close to them growing up and I did everything they asked of me. I guess they are still so very surprised and they just don't want to get over it. I just don't know how I can go on with life without them some days and I cry and cry. Other days I'm able to bury it and be happy for who I am. Some days I think about detransitioning just to have them love me again but the thought of trying to be a boy again makes me extremely suicidal.
You have to make your own happiness and not be a slave to anothers, and you are the one who must live your life in your body not them. If they choose to not accept you then the burden is their own to carry, not yours.
wow. What a guilt trip your mom is on..... It's hard, think we all know that. Just follow your heart in all things.
OH and people transistion at all ages. Age really has so little to do with it. Guilt trips by parents Oh yes, that would cause a delay.
Huggggssss
Beni
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 05:09:56 PM
And the saddest part is that we will all be miserable because you don't even see yourself as the prodigal who has left us.
I'm weak on my bible studies, but wasn't the parable of the prodigal about the son who went away
and came back as a woman and was greeted by her family with open arms and a fatted calf?
The reference is weak.
The prodical son, apparently, took his share of teh family fortune and set out one his own. He quickly spend his loot and while starving, realised that his father's servants were better off than he was.
He retuened to his father, prepared to ask to be made a servent. But his father welcomed him with open arms, killed the fatted calf and took him back into the household. Much to the resentment of his brothers.
For this to apply to Jerica, her mother would need to predict her ultimate downfall and say that, when that happens, she will be welcomed back with open arms. To say, at this point, that she doesn't even see herself as prodical doesn't really make a lot of sense. Since, atthis stage, she hardly would.
However, I will make two more points if I may.
Firstly, I had not commented on this before simply because it is not my place to criticise someone's parents to them. Especially on moral matters. That is and must be a matter for Jerica to deal with. They are her parents, She knows them. She knows herself. We can only pray that she has the strength to do what is best for her.
Secondly, this is a reference made by many parents to their children. It is a sad reality that we, as children, need to live our own lives and this will usually not be what our parents have in mind. Those her, who are parents of pre-pubescent children, if they are honest, will admit that they have certain hopes, dreams and expectations of their kids. I am fairly certain most here will try to be tolerant of decisions their kids take. But many of us did have conflicts, ore greater or lesser degrees, with our parents. That does not mean we are prodical.
Yah the other thing about the prodigal son that I point out over and over to my mom is:
The prodigal son didn't get kicked out of his father's house!!!!!!!!
As if one day you will snap out of it and come to your senses and go "oh, my bad, I don't know what I could have been thinking."
[/quote]
Actually we do see figures of 90% dropouts or reversals among transitioners but I cannot for a moment imagine how anyone can switch to a new life for a while and then go back to be either male or female!
So how Jerica would be accepted or treated if she did revert is hard to imagine - woudl everyone be able to go on as though nothing had happened?
And Jerica looks so lovely and female - what was the pre-transition J***** like?
Quote from: lilacwoman on July 25, 2010, 08:47:28 AM
Actually we do see figures of 90% dropouts or reversals among transitioners but I cannot for a moment imagine how anyone can switch to a new life for a while and then go back to be either male or female!
So how Jerica would be accepted or treated if she did revert is hard to imagine - woudl everyone be able to go on as though nothing had happened?
And Jerica looks so lovely and female - what was the pre-transition J***** like?
90% :o
...and J* was quite handsome.
Quote from: Jerica on July 25, 2010, 07:38:07 PMyuck!
Sorry, Miss. No harm intended. And I can say in all honesty that he wasn't as fetching as you are.
Sydney now puts down her shovel.
Quote from: SydneyTinker on July 25, 2010, 08:00:37 PM
Sorry, Miss. No harm intended. And I can say in all honesty that he wasn't as fetching as you are.
Sydney now puts down her shovel.
hehe I know thanks =) I just had to put my 2 cents in there hehe. I always hated how I looked growing up and now , not quite as much anymore ;)
she sounds like the type where religion is her whole life. i don't think she's going to change.
My 2 cents:
I'm really sorry for the loss of your family, however, I have the feeling that you're better this way. If they can't accept you for who you really are, it's not worth to spend your time on them. It sucks but, it's the truth.
And BTW, you DID look good when you were a boy (Really good IMO, specially in a suit :P) HOWEVER, you look STUNNING now as a girl, seriously! You are a VERY beautiful girl, and as far as I've seen, you're a really nice person and I wish I could hang out with you or something (damn distance :/).
I was watching your vlog on my netbook and then my friend walks by and said "who's the hottie?" and I told him "uhh, random girl from youtube" to which he replied "Can I have her email?" lol.
(This DID happen, I'm not kidding :P)
Well, I wish you the best hun, you're doing great atm, don't let this takes you down, you still have A LOT to live, a lot of people to meet, so many things to go through, don't give up!
Quote from: Iceprincess on July 31, 2010, 10:15:37 PM
My 2 cents:
I'm really sorry for the loss of your family, however, I have the feeling that you're better this way. If they can't accept you for who you really are, it's not worth to spend your time on them. It sucks but, it's the truth.
And BTW, you DID look good when you were a boy (Really good IMO, specially in a suit :P) HOWEVER, you look STUNNING now as a girl, seriously! You are a VERY beautiful girl, and as far as I've seen, you're a really nice person and I wish I could hang out with you or something (damn distance :/).
I was watching your vlog on my netbook and then my friend walks by and said "who's the hottie?" and I told him "uhh, random girl from youtube" to which he replied "Can I have her email?" lol.
(This DID happen, I'm not kidding :P)
Well, I wish you the best hun, you're doing great atm, don't let this takes you down, you still have A LOT to live, a lot of people to meet, so many things to go through, don't give up!
Awww thanks girl =) *hugs*
Hey Jerica
I only recently joined this forum and was absolutely heartbroken when I read this thread, my heart goes out to you. It can be quite devestating losing friends and family through our choice to transition but we have to be true to ourselves. Time will help heal the emotions somewhat and I hope that in the future your parents realise they will be better having a beutiful happy daughter than an miserable unhappy son.
it makes me wonder why gid is a sin. what are her opinions on other disorders or birth defects?
It makes me very sad to read this. And when I feel sad, I'm not even close to a glimpse of what you must be feeling, Jerica.
It makes me sad that something so good and pure like our relationship to our Lord is misunderstood in the way of letting the own children down. I mean, what do people think Jesus would have done? He wouldn't have done anything but embracing you with open arms. Thats what I strongly believe.
It makes me angry to read the mail of your mother's.
But it looks like there is nothing more you can do.
You just go ahead and live your life. You are not doing anything wrong. You are not less. And above all don't let anybody tell you you failed religiously. If there is anybody who understands and accepts, it is our Lord. Sorry your parents don't see what love is truly about. But you can't change people, it seems.
I wish you all the best, and NEVER get discouraged by people telling you you were wrong.
I hope you stand your ground as well Jerica, whatever your long term direction.
My own experience of going back was a disaster. I can't say it was the biggest mistake of my life, that has yet to come. But it was entirely negative.
I now realise that what I was expected to do was not just admit I had been wrong about the decisions I had made about my own life, but to put the entire direction of my own life into the hands of others.
I was never able to do anything without criticism. While 'that' issue was rarely raised, it was always held over as the ultimate if I ever stood up to criticism.
I find, even today, if I'm on the receiving end of criticism, I have to bite my tongue.
We each have to live our own lives. Those who criticise do so from a presumption, or assumption of their own perfection.
That isn't any help to you and is harmful to them.
It's such a shame when families refuse to accept their children for who they are. You make a gorgeous woman, Jerica. Don't let it get you down too much - as long as you're doing what your heart tells you, you really can't go wrong. Maybe one day they'll come around and realize what they've lost by denying who you are.
*hugs*
I am so sorry to read that. I know that is very painful. I hope it will work itself out for the better.
Jerica...
I remember when I first read this, before I had come out to anyone, and thinking how could a parent take this stance? I felt my heart ache then for you.
Every day I've read this post. Every day I've read the responses on here, even now leaving one myself, there's no way I can ever truly express the sorrow I feel at hearing something like this, I always ask why any parent would take this stance, HOW any parent can...
I am so sorry sweetie, I wish none of us had to face anything like this, especially someone as warm and genuine as you are.
I hope they come around.
If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here, I can't offer much other then a shoulder but it's always available for you!
Gabby
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 05:09:56 PM
"No one does this at your age with the intensity, speed and aggressiveness, unless you have had a breakdown "
If your experience was like mine, your mother is right in a way, but doesn't want to face it.
My therapist said yesterday that my feelings of dysphoria seemd to come out after I had a breakdown , a"breakdown to reality". Other things caused it, but I was unable to hold the whole charade together any longer and had to face the world as the real me. I am sorry that your mother can't see that she still has the same child, just that you look a bit different, and she is missing the chance to have a relationship that could be far deeper than that which she had with a son.
Sandy.
Quote from: Jerica on July 19, 2010, 06:04:27 PM
Oh yes they pretty much disowned me when I first came out. They wouldn't allow me at their house with nail polish on for my own birthday party. Then they asked for my house key back that they gave me when I was 14. I've not stepped foot in the house since before then and only seen them at weddings....one of which they asked the bride and groom NOT to invite me to.
See now, that seems to me to give the game away.
You can bleat all you want to about loving someone and praying for them...but when you go so far as to meddle in events that are
not on your property and not your function then that's not "I cannot support what i believe to be wrong" - that's just hatefulness and spite.
I know, it's your family but i'd say the same about mine (and have)