Hello,
I'm new here but unfortunately I cannot introduce myself properly because I suffer from a lack of definiton. The topic about pseudo-transexualism got me started but I don't know if that would be the right label for me. I'm not even sure if this is related to transexualism at all but I thought before I go see a doctor, this forum might be a good place to start as I peeked into other threads and have seen many helpful comments. So I'm putting all my virtual trust into you people and hoping you can say something valuable about the condition I might be in. Because if we know the condition we know the solution, right? Or don't we?
What I do know: I'm 30 years old and a biological male. And the problems start right here. I've always been a problem-solver, but now I feel I came to a moment in my life when I just cannot try to solve this problem all alone any more. The fact is, I recently started to feel the symptoms of depression on myself (severe mood swings, crying, cannot get up in the morning, etc.) and this is no fun at all.
Let me get right into the middle. Or the beginning. When I first tried on my mom's knickers, it was a few years before puberty so these memories don't have any sexual feelings attached to them - first important fact. I will always feel grateful for those innocent years but does this mean that I did it because I'm a TS or was it caused by pure curiousness? I've always been a curious one.
I'm asking this because I never expressed the specific desire to be a girl, not even to myself. Well, at least not until the last ten years. I remember vividly the moment ten years ago when I somehow surfed into some TS website (don't ask me how) and my face became red and I started sweating: is this really exists? is this all possible? And when I dug more deeply into the topic and found out that I missed ten years, I started banging my head into the wall: why haven't I told my mom about this, there was a solution! (Sidenote: my mom knew about my private "life" - we just never had the courage to talk about it. Moms know everything, do they?) But solution for what? Was I just being curious again or did I really have a serious problem? Be it either way, on the premise that I was already too late, I decided to go for a girlfriend instead; I never had one and I thought I should at least give it a try and see how it works out. So I did what many of you here probably did as well.
So I didn't want to be a girl in those early days; the whole CD-thing was my private hobby, just like so many other activities I took up later on. Hobbies came and went but this was the only one which has stayed with me the longest. And this was something pure, if that's the right word; with the other pastimes I always had the feeling of escaping from something Unnameable, like all my life has been one Great Escape. Eventually, as my body has became more manly through puberty I slowly gave up the -by then of course sexually charged- CDing because I wasn't feeling and looking petite and pretty anymore. I dropped it and never again picked it up ever since - except in my mind, but that's a lot of times.
Truth be told -second important fact-, I was bullied (only verbally) many-many times for how my face looks, right up from elementary school until my late teens. And you know what these kind of things do to a child's mind: they totally wreck it, for life. I was thinking about that a lot: had I born a handsome, or just an average-looking guy, would I still had/have the same feelings or wouldn't I? Because nowdays, every time I see a girl -even average looking ones- on the street I become overwhelmingly envious of her and get into despair: why I'm not like her? Do these make me a pseudo-ts? Escaping into a dream-world from the harshness of reality? Just wanting to be pretty again? And as someone has put it here very well, do we really need to address the causes if the desire is so permanent or we should just go ahead and fullfill it?
I don't want to carry this all over my life. This blocks me from being happy. I've never been happier in my life than I was when dancing around carelessly in the living room in my mom's clothes and stilettos. Back then I was about 8 or 9 years old and mother was in her 30s so she still had some beautiful clothes... The other 20 years which since has passed only brought me sadness. I somehow managed to get (escaped into?) a girlfriend in my twenties and enjoyed making her happy but all the time I was asking myself: that's very nice if she's happy but what about ME? How long will I have to wait? Okay, I've been happy occasionally, but that sadness was always lurking around the corner, inherent in everything I did or felt.
I know if I choose to transition I'd be outed from society because I'm 6ft with broad shoulders and a face which would need serious FFS work even just to start a simple RLT. I'd have no friends, no partner, no job and probably my parents would out me too (but that's a common one as I've heard). So transition is not for me I guess. But then again, I've already lost all my friends through the years because I became so antisocial and couldn't get a gf for the same reason - and if I could I know I'd feel I'm cheating on her with my thoughts and that's not fair game. I played it once and don't want to play it again. So now my only contact with society is my job but to what end? If I don't have a life to live then what's the whole point?
I read somewhere that if someone's unsure about his/her condition, they might try self-medding, which is of course risky but gives one's a chance to "surely know". I did it and I really liked the calmness and lightness which came with it but I became more and more depressive when I thought about the outcome of it and did not understand why I was doing something which would cut me off from society even more than I'm now. But as I stated above, is there an "even more" for someone who has noone? So I stopped the meds because I felt I'd soon jump down from my balcony if this continues. But the strange thing is that the depression was probably not caused by the pills: it has remained because now I don't have the sense of going for something which could change my life. So I'm stuck again and I miss all the good feelings the hormones gave me. And to top that, during the therapy I got a mild gyno (I knew I would) and I don't know what would a gf say about that. I don't want to remove it because that would hamper my chances of an eventual future transition... Talk about catch-22. Luckily, a gf is not an option for now.
Basically, that's all. I don't want to lie, neither for my possible future partner nor for myself. I don't want to be someone's Woman though it would appeal me more than being someone's man. I mean, I never cared about my genitalia, I have what I have, but I cannot play The Man in this society anymore. Does this make me an androgyne? Or if we put together all those above facts, do they make me a "real" TS? And does it matter what all this makes me? All I want is to live in truth. But where is it and does it exist at all?
Thanks...
IronKate
(Sorry for being too long. I tried to cut it but I couldn't.)
Edit: I forgot to mention that I was thinking about having a partial FFS so I could still pass as a male but at least I could go on RLT. But this would consume all my saved money and I feel it's worthless if I don't have a diagnose first.
Welcome.
Nobody here can diagnose you - personally I think you ought to see a professional, at least for the depression issues, since you're not having any success dealing with them on your own. It's clear they're serious because you mention suicidal ideation.
That being said, at least one doctor who specializes in transsexuality has said (paraphrased) that if there's anything like a definitive test for transsexuality, cross-sex hormones are it. Not that they cure everything - you can have organic depression that isn't about being trans - but that they make you feel better and relieve some of your inner conflict. If you do go see a therapist, you should pick a trans-friendly one and bring up you trans issues early, honestly, and explicitly.
Hi Honey,
First, you are no longer alone. We are a family that supports each other. We know what it's like to be 'different'. WE know the pain, the depression that awful soul destroying feeling of not knowing. Then the realisation. The horror.
Guess what? It gets better. OK, step one, go and see a Dr about the depression. It can be cured or alleviated. Many of us suffer from depression, I do. I'm finally starting to come off medication, under Drs guidance. Why? Because I've accepted Cindy as me. And to the incredible friendships I have found here.
You then should see a gender therapist. No it doesn't mean you will be embarrassed or seen as a pervert or anything. It's a person who can talk you through your issues. Help is there. You don't have to do anything. The choices are yours. Transitioning is not compulsory :laugh:. But you need answers. I have to admit your history sounds very similar to many of the people here, but it is your history.
If you like to 'cross dress' do so. There is nothing wrong in that. You can buy clothes on line or in thrift shops if you wish. Or just do what many of us do and buy from clothes shops. The assistants don't bite or laugh. They want your money.
Don't get caught up on your looks and physique. OK you look like a big guy at the moment BTW 6 foot is the height of many female models. Make up, facial care etc can and will work wonders. Confidence does the rest, BTW how many masculine girls do you see every day? Heaps you just don't take it in as you don't expect it.
Loneliness; you are no longer alone, you are here. You can post anytime and get an answer. Pull up a chair and start to read through stuff. Join in a few of the games, Caption the Avatar etc.
Read the TOS and follow them, basic stuff, essentially don't be rude and inconsiderate, read through them. This site is owned and run by Susan, they are her rules.
Finally, for now, breathe :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:. It gets better from now on.
And Welcome Ironkate.
I'm Cindy and I live in Australia
G'day mates...
Onya Cindy...(some wise words there)....me thinks
Indeed, a realisation for me was that if you've got any form of intersexuality or brain sex anomaly....then full relief from this condition....as such is a misconception....
However a wonderful book to read is by Camille Paglia – Sexual Personae
It explains in part beautifully, how much of great art and important game change culture has in fact been created by people of 'difference'...
So learning to love thyself, warts an all...good advice pre the difficulties you will encounter if you decide to act on your inner programming....
Whatever that might be?
And utilising a caring professional to help find yourself seem infinitely sensible to me...
Good luck...
Welcome to Susan's, IronKate. :icon_flower:
There's a lot of good information and good people here. Each of our stories is unique but we have a lot in common. Settle in, pull up a keyboard, and explore.
Be sure to look under the Announcements heading. There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours:
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Look through the other stuff there, too.
As the others have said, we can listen and give advice but we can't diagnose you. Counseling can help a lot. A professional can help you sort out the muddle in your head. The muddle is normal – nothing wrong there, but you'll be happier once things get sorted out.
Your comment about stumbling onto a TS site struck me. I had convinced myself most of my life that I was a CD. I went to a TG support group that turned out to be all TS. That
really opened my eyes. Fourteen months later I had surgery and have never been happier or more comfortable with myself. We each seem to walk different paths and some of them are long and winding.
Happy exploring, here on the forum and within. :icon_wave:
- Kate (velvet over steel)
Kate..go to a very knowledgeable therapist or gender clinic to sort yourself out.
Partial FFS but still be male? Why?
Lots of us selfdiagnosed by putting on a dress and makeup and going to nearest transfriendly venue. If it felt really nice we knew our fears/hopes/dreams made sense.
Hi NAME, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5300 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
Hugs and Love,
Janet