Hi there,
First post and all. I've been wandering the web for quite some time looking for answers to questions I never really could shape or phrase, I figured a board like this would probably be the place where people can empathise and identify. But I'll start at the beginning.
I've been asexual since my first real girlfriend, at the tender age of 18. Long story short: peer pressure and the 'expectation' of what a healthy young male should get up to at university; I didn't really like it, it didn't draw me in. After some time and some acrimony, we spit up and I've been celibate since then. Now I'm 24 and after heavy though I've realised that I'm not happy as a male, I just don't match the role like a round peg in a square hole: it will fit but it's clearly the wrong shape. However, I don't know if I would be happier as a female, since that doesn't really match how I feel either. It just feels too far the other side. So, after much research, I came up with androgyny, genderqueer or whatever word is best to describe it. Problem is, I have no idea if I'm right, and the best word I could use to describe myself right now is 'confused'. Really...confused.
Have you felt like this? The sensation that something is wrong and you can't put your finger on it or work out what the problem is? Was this how you felt when you first realised that you weren't the gender you thought you were or that people TOLD said you were? What did you do, wander the world like me until you found a place where other people in a similar position congregated? I personally found a Wikipedia article about it and after reading it 3 times over, sat back and stared at the screen for 5 minutes before saying "HOLY intercourse!" An answer! An explanation!
Now that I've gotten past the realisation stage, I'm now in the 'what the heck do I do now?' phase? I'm not happy being male and want to a lot more androgynous but I have very conservative parents who would probably lock me up if I 'came out' with this. I look at women and think: "I want to be like them, beautiful and delicate." I feel wrong.
I've included a picture of myself, taken a few weeks ago. Just be looking at it now and trying to be objective, I can tell that I'm not the average male but would I pass for female if I tried it? What do you think?
And sorry for the wall of text :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg714.imageshack.us%2Fimg714%2F3847%2F2010050628139.jpg&hash=6d813d8169f00af1fb40f9a2bd6ca254e45d98df)
hi antarctica ,
all of what you said is pretty much similar to my story (with late realization that there are other people and that it had a name ) in fact , my log-in is still 'confused' :D (although i'm not quiet confused anymore but i can't change the log in lol)
i am very familiar with that sensation your talking about , i had no idea that there are other genders but the binary , so i've always stated i don't feel completely as a woman trapped in a wrong body but i'm not a guy either i hate it, i am a woman , then why i'm feeling that i'm not completely a woman,what the hell is goin on with me....etc
so as you can see..a lot of confusion
the term genderqueer or androgyne seems to fit me perfectly
and omg you look pretty , i think with some make up and maybe a haircut that lowers the hairline you would pass 100% as a woman
(btw you hair is awesome i'm so jealous )