Well, not physically, but in the most important place, between my ears. This has been a long time coming for me, so bear with me if I get long winded with my history and please note it might get a little TMI. I have never, ever, ever told anybody my complete story and I find it something of a relief to be able to tell somebody.
Some of my earliest trans feelings were in my tap dance class at the age of about 7 or 8 when I wondered why I couldn't dress up like the other girls or the teacher. At around 10 I asked my mother for a "boys" ballet outfit for Christmas. I really wanted a girls one, but I figured my mom would freak. As it was, she put me off and put me off, until my three younger sisters found out what I had asked for and they all started to laugh at me. I reacted very badly to this and my mom figured I was serious. So, god bless her heart, she gave me one of my sisters leotards and tights and gave me a room to myself and left me alone. I put them on and felt wonderful. Over the next few years I started to steal my mom's and sisters tights and leotards and put them on whenever I got the chance. Then two things happened that changed my life and set the course of how I would treat my TGness for the rest of my life.
One night, I decided to sleep in some tights, not knowing that my parents would sneak into the room to put my baby sister to sleep next to me in bed. Of course, they noticed. Next morning, my dad came in and sat down and talked to me. He wanted to know if I had been doing that often. Now, my dad was a kind man (I actually got him to admit he always wondered what tights felt like too and that I was very brave for having tried it), but he was also somewhat rigid and religious. I lied and told him I had never tried on the tights and leotard the day my mom gave them to me and that this had been my first time. I could tell he found some relief from that explanation, which was my intent, but I had just learned to lie about my true nature to protect myself and the feelings of my family. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had told him the truth. I suspect that my life would have been greatly different and I deeply regret that now. I blame myself, but I also was just a kid, so a part of me also blames my father and mother for not seeing what was going on and preferring to stay blind to it (there were numerous similar incidents although not out and out "bustings" over the years) and not seek out help on my behalf.
Second incident happened during one of my dress up sessions. By now I found myself constantly wishing I could wake up a girl. Well, I was lying in bed face down and started to rub my body back and forth because it felt good when all of a sudden I felt an explosion in the region of my privates. I remember that it didn't feel particularly good and frightened me more than anything, but at the same time for a brief moment I thought I had been granted my wish. Somehow, my penis had exploded and left behind a vagina. That feeling of joy only lasted until I flipped over and saw my boy bits with additional "stuff" everywhere. My parents had never breathed a word to me about self-gratification, so all this was a surprise. Not long after, I replicated the experience. I learned that it not only felt good, but the feelings afterward provided relief from the intense envy I felt for girls and my need to dress.
Over the next 25 years or so, I have created my own stash of hose and heels, hundreds of Fictionmania TG stories (always of the transformation into a girl variety, not the CD fantasy stuff) and lots of pictures of women in tights and leotards. I am married and my wife knows about the clothes, stories and pictures. She tolerates my cross-dressing and my late-night relief sessions at the computer. Until recently, I thought I was a garden variety cross-dresser with a fetish for hose and heels, but now I think I have just been lying to myself all these years. Despite my freedom with my wife, I have been dressing less and less because it has become increasingly unsatisfying. I don't have the right girl parts to fill out the clothes properly, have no desire to pretend and it is making me increasingly sad. I am slipping into depression. I do remember putting on a full dress, hose, heels and bra as a teenager and just sitting there looking at myself and just feeling right. I did recently go out in full drag a couple of Halloweens ago and was so sad to put away the illusion. I wanted to be that forever.
I have come to realize that my behaviors of the past amount to self-medication and survival tactics. Dressing was to create the illusion of womanhood, but the illusion is no longer enough. I grew a full beard and gained weight to hide my body from myself. Orgasm is no longer the point, it is the relief from these feelings afterward that I seek. However, I now find the feelings come back so quickly and so strongly that it is almost not worth it. Relations with my wife amount to fantasy sessions where I imagine I am female and we are rubbing our girl parts together. I am cheating both of us of the full experience and she deserves better. Because of my frustration over my body, I am moody and prone to angry outbursts over little things. I have been able to gain greater control over this and mellow a bit over the years, but the basic feelings are still there. Now I feel completely unmotivated to do anything in life. I could sleep all day. Lately, suicidal thoughts have started to creep in and I am getting frightened.
My father died two months ago and I feel like I have come emotionally unhinged. He was a good man that died way too early, but he also cast a strong influence over my life. He always did the right thing for the family. Seriously, he was honest and had great integrity. Hell, I never heard him lie or even curse! I carried that over into my own life and have done the "right thing" to keep my own family together. But, now that he is gone, I feel like a champagne bottle with a leaking cork. Emotions that I could barely deal with in the past are coming fizzing out and the pressure is increasing. I find myself fighting tears everyday and the pain is something I can physically feel as great tension.
I am currently in Orlando with my son visiting my parents house and Disney World. I didn't intend this when I took this trip, but to me, it almost feels like a farewell tour between father and son. Both me and my father and me and my son. I fear things will never be the same between us. That is the hardest thing I have ever written in my life. I had to actually pause and give myself a moment to break down before I typed it out.
As I walk around the parks, I find myself compulsively looking at women and the variety in their features and wondering what I will look like. I look at teenage girls with envy because inside, I feel just like them and I will never be that. My teenage girl youth never was. It is a shock to look in the mirror and see a 39 year old man, married 15 years with an 8 year old son. On the plus side, I am only about 5" 5' with size 10 (women's) feet. The pitch of my voice is quite variable and I have been "mam'ed" on the phone more than once without trying. I know, once I shed all this excess weight, that I won't be very big at all as I am not terribly muscular. I have high hopes that once on HRT, I will be passable. Indeed, some people thought I was actually a women in my Halloween cheerleader outfit, even after hearing me speak. I cling to that with hope.
So, that is me and just about all the things I have never been able to admit to in my life. When I get back to Houston, I will be seeking out a gender therapist for help because I can't handle it anymore. This will change my life in ways that I don't want. I fear for my marriage and my idilic suburban master-planned-community life. I fear the embarrassment me, my wife and son will endure in the community. I fear the change and all that it implies. But most of all, I fear for my well-being if I don't try. I have been fighting the uphill climb of this coaster for all my life, but I have crested the top and can't fight the downhill momentum now. I pray to God the therapist says that I simply need some other way of expressing my feminine side. That I am not a TS. Personally, I don't think this train is going to stop until I reach vajayjay station and I am going to have to deal with that.
Anyway, hope I didn't bore you all. It is a lot to read and it was difficult to write. I recently found this site and it has become my number 1 place to visit above Fictionmania and all the other fetish sites I used to visit. All those were about fantasy transformation, but I find that I have to live in the here-and-now of my reality. Escape is no longer possible. Thanks.
Dee
Hi mhtspan, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to Susan's and thank you for sharing your story!
Enjoy the stay!
We all come to that realization of our true selves at one point or another. Pretty awesome but intense when we do. Welcome Dee! "Vajayjay station" I love that! :laugh:
Welcome home! And thank you for sharing. I recently started this path myself, although I've always known I just wouldn't accept it for so long.
I strongly suggest you read through the many life stories on here, so many will be your own it's scary. There is so much support and such good advice and tips that I feel blessed to join this community myself!
All my love,
Samantha
Quote from: Nero on July 28, 2010, 01:03:23 PM
We all come to that realization of our true selves at one point or another. ;D Pretty awesome but intense when we do. Welcome Dee! "Vajayjay station" I love that! :laugh:
Well, you know, Grey's Anatomy fan. ;D
hi, Dee
thanx for sharing with us, you will have lots of fears etc to deal with at the moment. I know
how it feels. When my wife became aware of me being trans she decided to leave me.
Well a year later it's turned out for the best, Kids are happy - good reports at school, and I am much more happy now I can express myself, having 2 daughters they just seem accept me for who I am. I get called dad in the day and mum at night!
My oldest just says im very much a girlie.
huggs Antonia xxx
Samantha,
Yes, I noticed all the similar stories. In fact, they gave me courage to post my own story and helped validate my feelings. For some reason, I always thought of a TS person as someone who hated their penis with a passion and wanted to cut it off. But I have come to see that many are like me too. Ambivalent about their boy bits. It is just there. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I should love my body and my sex. I have always known I would love a girl body. I just was afraid to do the things it would take to have one. I am now more afraid of living out my life the way I am.
Quote from: mhtspan on July 28, 2010, 12:13:39 PM
Well, not physically, but in the most important place, between my ears. This has been a long time coming for me, so bear with me if I get long winded with my history and please note it might get a little TMI. I have never, ever, ever told anybody my complete story and I find it something of a relief to be able to tell somebody.
Some of my earliest trans feelings were in my tap dance class at the age of about 7 or 8 when I wondered why I couldn't dress up like the other girls or the teacher. At around 10 I asked my mother for a "boys" ballet outfit for Christmas. I really wanted a girls one, but I figured my mom would freak. As it was, she put me off and put me off, until my three younger sisters found out what I had asked for and they all started to laugh at me. I reacted very badly to this and my mom figured I was serious. So, god bless her heart, she gave me one of my sisters leotards and tights and gave me a room to myself and left me alone. I put them on and felt wonderful. Over the next few years I started to steal my mom's and sisters tights and leotards and put them on whenever I got the chance. Then two things happened that changed my life and set the course of how I would treat my TGness for the rest of my life.
One night, I decided to sleep in some tights, not knowing that my parents would sneak into the room to put my baby sister to sleep next to me in bed. Of course, they noticed. Next morning, my dad came in and sat down and talked to me. He wanted to know if I had been doing that often. Now, my dad was a kind man (I actually got him to admit he always wondered what tights felt like too and that I was very brave for having tried it), but he was also somewhat rigid and religious. I lied and told him I had never tried on the tights and leotard the day my mom gave them to me and that this had been my first time. I could tell he found some relief from that explanation, which was my intent, but I had just learned to lie about my true nature to protect myself and the feelings of my family. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had told him the truth. I suspect that my life would have been greatly different and I deeply regret that now. I blame myself, but I also was just a kid, so a part of me also blames my father and mother for not seeing what was going on and preferring to stay blind to it (there were numerous similar incidents although not out and out "bustings" over the years) and not seek out help on my behalf.
Second incident happened during one of my dress up sessions. By now I found myself constantly wishing I could wake up a girl. Well, I was lying in bed face down and started to rub my body back and forth because it felt good when all of a sudden I felt an explosion in the region of my privates. I remember that it didn't feel particularly good and frightened me more than anything, but at the same time for a brief moment I thought I had been granted my wish. Somehow, my penis had exploded and left behind a vagina. That feeling of joy only lasted until I flipped over and saw my boy bits with additional "stuff" everywhere. My parents had never breathed a word to me about self-gratification, so all this was a surprise. Not long after, I replicated the experience. I learned that it not only felt good, but the feelings afterward provided relief from the intense envy I felt for girls and my need to dress.
Over the next 25 years or so, I have created my own stash of hose and heels, hundreds of Fictionmania TG stories (always of the transformation into a girl variety, not the CD fantasy stuff) and lots of pictures of women in tights and leotards. I am married and my wife knows about the clothes, stories and pictures. She tolerates my cross-dressing and my late-night relief sessions at the computer. Until recently, I thought I was a garden variety cross-dresser with a fetish for hose and heels, but now I think I have just been lying to myself all these years. Despite my freedom with my wife, I have been dressing less and less because it has become increasingly unsatisfying. I don't have the right girl parts to fill out the clothes properly, have no desire to pretend and it is making me increasingly sad. I am slipping into depression. I do remember putting on a full dress, hose, heels and bra as a teenager and just sitting there looking at myself and just feeling right. I did recently go out in full drag a couple of Halloweens ago and was so sad to put away the illusion. I wanted to be that forever.
I have come to realize that my behaviors of the past amount to self-medication and survival tactics. Dressing was to create the illusion of womanhood, but the illusion is no longer enough. I grew a full beard and gained weight to hide my body from myself. Orgasm is no longer the point, it is the relief from these feelings afterward that I seek. However, I now find the feelings come back so quickly and so strongly that it is almost not worth it. Relations with my wife amount to fantasy sessions where I imagine I am female and we are rubbing our girl parts together. I am cheating both of us of the full experience and she deserves better. Because of my frustration over my body, I am moody and prone to angry outbursts over little things. I have been able to gain greater control over this and mellow a bit over the years, but the basic feelings are still there. Now I feel completely unmotivated to do anything in life. I could sleep all day. Lately, suicidal thoughts have started to creep in and I am getting frightened.
My father died two months ago and I feel like I have come emotionally unhinged. He was a good man that died way too early, but he also cast a strong influence over my life. He always did the right thing for the family. Seriously, he was honest and had great integrity. Hell, I never heard him lie or even curse! I carried that over into my own life and have done the "right thing" to keep my own family together. But, now that he is gone, I feel like a champagne bottle with a leaking cork. Emotions that I could barely deal with in the past are coming fizzing out and the pressure is increasing. I find myself fighting tears everyday and the pain is something I can physically feel as great tension.
I am currently in Orlando with my son visiting my parents house and Disney World. I didn't intend this when I took this trip, but to me, it almost feels like a farewell tour between father and son. Both me and my father and me and my son. I fear things will never be the same between us. That is the hardest thing I have ever written in my life. I had to actually pause and give myself a moment to break down before I typed it out.
As I walk around the parks, I find myself compulsively looking at women and the variety in their features and wondering what I will look like. I look at teenage girls with envy because inside, I feel just like them and I will never be that. My teenage girl youth never was. It is a shock to look in the mirror and see a 39 year old man, married 15 years with an 8 year old son. On the plus side, I am only about 5" 5' with size 10 (women's) feet. The pitch of my voice is quite variable and I have been "mam'ed" on the phone more than once without trying. I know, once I shed all this excess weight, that I won't be very big at all as I am not terribly muscular. I have high hopes that once on HRT, I will be passable. Indeed, some people thought I was actually a women in my Halloween cheerleader outfit, even after hearing me speak. I cling to that with hope.
So, that is me and just about all the things I have never been able to admit to in my life. When I get back to Houston, I will be seeking out a gender therapist for help because I can't handle it anymore. This will change my life in ways that I don't want. I fear for my marriage and my idilic suburban master-planned-community life. I fear the embarrassment me, my wife and son will endure in the community. I fear the change and all that it implies. But most of all, I fear for my well-being if I don't try. I have been fighting the uphill climb of this coaster for all my life, but I have crested the top and can't fight the downhill momentum now. I pray to God the therapist says that I simply need some other way of expressing my feminine side. That I am not a TS. Personally, I don't think this train is going to stop until I reach vajayjay station and I am going to have to deal with that.
Anyway, hope I didn't bore you all. It is a lot to read and it was difficult to write. I recently found this site and it has become my number 1 place to visit above Fictionmania and all the other fetish sites I used to visit. All those were about fantasy transformation, but I find that I have to live in the here-and-now of my reality. Escape is no longer possible. Thanks.
Dee
I waited till i was 30, something i hate even reminding myself about, as for the dressing as a woman part, never really had a thing for it, i thought nice things didnt belong on a grotesque body like mine, now that is not the case, i get no high off of it, just putting on cloths to get to work, sure if i put on lingerie for my fiance a feel a bit more sexy, but otherwise its just usual. As for wanting to be a woman, i can relate to that, i wished the same thing for all my life.
Well, anyway, welcome, i hope this forum provides you with what you need. I have lived full time over a year now, and I would rather die then go back. Good luck to you.
Welcome, so much of your childhood sounds so familiar to me, good luck in you rjourney to become you.
*hugs*
Jaymie
Your subject title reminded me of the book 'Bill's New Frock'
Yours is a fascinating and inspiring story. I read it with great interest. May you be evermore happy as you become your true self. Welcome to Susan's Place. You're among friends here. Don't be a stranger.
;) Lacey Lynne
Quote from: LaceyLynne on July 29, 2010, 12:27:17 AM
Yours is a fascinating and inspiring story. I read it with great interest. May you be evermore happy as you become your true self. Welcome to Susan's Place. You're among friends here. Don't be a stranger.
;) Lacey Lynne
Thank you for the warm welcome! I never thought of my story as interesting or inspiring, just kinda sad. I am glad that it might be more than that.
Dee
I also enjoyed reading your story. There is so much many of us will relate to.
What sort of relationship do you have with your sisters now?
Have you ever confided in them?
Have you ever experienced any problems looking at women? Do any of them notoce and either object of try to approach you?
Quote from: spacial on July 29, 2010, 01:40:31 AM
I also enjoyed reading your story. There is so much many of us will relate to.
What sort of relationship do you have with your sisters now?
Have you ever confided in them?
Have you ever experienced any problems looking at women? Do any of them notoce and either object of try to approach you?
I have a good relationship with all of them. Two of them are medical professionals and I expect that will help. Frankly, I don't have much fear when it comes to my immediate side of the family. My mom might freak a little, but I think there is very little chance of being disowned.
I absolutely know that I will tell my youngest sister first. We get along the best. She has often complained that I have a wall about me that she, and others in my family, can't penetrate it. It will be a relief to tell here why. She actually "busted" me once when I was a teenager. I was dressed up in a leo and tights in my parents room (they were out and it had a lock on the door.) Well, that room also had a second door and I think she caught a glimpse of me before I was able to slam it shut. She must have been around 7. I don't know if she remembers it and she has never mentioned it to me.
She is a traveling nurse and recently lived in our home in Houston while on local assignment. There were so many times I wanted to tell her everything. Just march her into my closet and point out all the clothes and heels that were actually mine and not my wife's. I was too much the coward to do it though. I know in part she stayed with us to get to know me better. She and my wife got on very well, but I just had too much stuff hidden away in my psyche to fully open up to her.
(Megan?) Dee
(trying a new name on for size) ;)
Post Merge: July 29, 2010, 02:34:37 AM
Quote from: spacial on July 29, 2010, 01:40:31 AM
I also enjoyed reading your story. There is so much many of us will relate to.
What sort of relationship do you have with your sisters now?
Have you ever confided in them?
Have you ever experienced any problems looking at women? Do any of them notoce and either object of try to approach you?
Forgot to answer your last question. No, I have never had anybody react negatively. A few glances back here and there. I suppose I am rather non-threatening looking and very discreet.
When I was young and fit, I actually remember passing young ladies and looking back to check out how they were dressed etc. and actually catching them looking back at me! In high school, I remember walking out of the gym after track practice while the junior high dance squad practiced. God I loved their outfits! As I hit the door, I looked back only to catch the girls closest to me doing the fluttery heart palpitation thing, squealing and kinda melting towards the floor. I smiled at them, but what I really wanted was to BE them. Not coincidentally, despite crushes, I dated NO ONE in junior high or high school. The first time I kissed a girl or had sex was with my wife and I was 21 and in college.
I guess I was attractive, but I had zero confidence and self-esteem. Girls tended to look at me like a nice guy. More a friend than boyfriend. Not someone you date. Looking back, I think what they might have sensed was another girl.
Dee