I hate it so very much. One minute I'm just walking along and then suddenly it's like Navi springs out, "HEY! Listen!" You can't really ignore it most of the time. And when you do listen it's pleasurable, but it's never enjoyable. And when you're done, you just want to put it all away and try so very hard to forget about it.
Excitement, pleasure, release and disinterest. And sometimes it's not even done with you. You're still disinterested, but it wants more, so you have no choice but to go another round. Frustration, release, anger. It's still not done, it won't stop until it breaks you. Frustration, pain, anger, boredom, frustration, release. Drowsy, dysphoric, sleep.
And what's most embarrassing is the rare walk-ins. My dad just stands there like an idiot for a good thirty seconds, staring at the floor the whole time, "I'm not sure I remember what I was going to say", then he finally figures it out and starts up a conversation. And I wish I had something to distract me every time Navi wants my attention, because then it just goes away.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have the wrong parts and the dysphoria associated with it. All the energy is centralized in just one place, and it just happens to be the part of me I hate most.
A life such is this can only prove the non-existence of an omnipotent, omniscient, loving creator, or simply that this supposed creator has a cruel and twisted humor.
My heart hurts now. I wish one of these therapists would email me back, I hate talking on the phone.
I hear ya, CJ. That has been a bane of my existence my whole life. It has kept me from truly excelling at anything, because I could never concentrate on anything long enough. No, I don't have ADD, I just have always had a very strong libido. When I first heard that HRT would reduce or eliminate it, though, in my confusion I was at first horrified, because it's just always been there, and I wasn't sure I could get used to its absence, but the more I think about it, the more I think that would be a blessing. And anyway, from what I've heard, after surgery, there is still sexuality, but it's different. I so look forward to that...
It will be of little consolation now, but it does ease off later.
I do understand your descriptions though.
I think what's worse is I just can't enjoy sex. My first time left me so conflicted and angry with myself. I had to stop before I even started. I spent days doing damage control, making up excuses trying so hard not to hurt her feelings.
I think one of the worst parts of the male libido is how advantageous it makes one become. For me, all respect and honesty gets thrown out the window when I have it; I hate that. It isn't me, though I know it is because it is my male sex drive. It takes over one inhibitions and 'causes' one to act in irrational ways. The part always demanding attention doesn't bother me the most, but the foolishness it entails is a plague.
Quote from: CJHard on August 08, 2010, 11:52:33 AM
I think what's worse is I just can't enjoy sex. My first time left me so conflicted and angry with myself. I had to stop before I even started. I spent days doing damage control, making up excuses trying so hard not to hurt her feelings.
Yeah, this is actually what solidifies my confidence that I am gender dysphoric. There have been quite a few embarassing moments. It's as if the romance is there, it's wonderful, its spectacular, but when it comes to actually using that part of the anatomy, a feeling of disgust, shame, and disinterest fall all over me. I have just quit trying to see other people altogether because of it. Luckily I don't have much of a libido anyways, so I can at least control myself, but I still hate being in this "form" so to speak =/
Quote from: forallittook on August 09, 2010, 01:13:31 AM
I think one of the worst parts of the male libido is how advantageous it makes one become. For me, all respect and honesty gets thrown out the window when I have it; I hate that. It isn't me, though I know it is because it is my male sex drive. It takes over one inhibitions and 'causes' one to act in irrational ways. The part always demanding attention doesn't bother me the most, but the foolishness it entails is a plague.
Tell me about it. I look back at the two times I "fumbled" with a woman, and... I hate myself for it. I get so annoyed with myself for not being able to control it, and I've basically "banned" myself from sex. Not to mention I didn't enjoy it too much ::)
One thing I found to lower the frequency of things "poking up" is to keep yourself busy. I find it crops up when I'm extremely bored more often than when I'm occupied.
Quote from: CJHard on August 08, 2010, 11:52:33 AM
I think what's worse is I just can't enjoy sex. My first time left me so conflicted and angry with myself. I had to stop before I even started. I spent days doing damage control, making up excuses trying so hard not to hurt her feelings.
Like others, I also can identify with that.
It makes me feel stupid, dirty, and leaves me feeling depressed.
I haven't done it for almost 20 years. My wife is incredably understanding and to be honest, is in the same boat herself.
Just remeber, what you are feeling is perfectly normal for you.
It will take time to sort the problems out, but it can be done.
I lost mine a while back and seem to have found a female one.
I entered my current relationship with a guy during a period when I thought I must be a gay cross-dresser. I have found that I react in what feels like a totally feminine way, right down to the physical reactions. For instance even when I am highly aroused I don't seem to get an erection any more.
Very strange, but much nicer. Seems to be more evidence that I am on the right tram.
I'm pre-HRT but I haven't had much in the way of libido for a while.. I recently discovered that I can be enormously aroused simply by giving pleasure to my partner.. No erection either..
The last time I actually had sex left me rather disturbed.. Conflicted, dirty, wrong and a whole pile of other similar adjectives.