Hi there,
I have not come out to my parents as a girl yet (MTF), I can't help but feel that mother is already aware of it at some level - yet not specifically. I will only come out after getting the letters, and coming out shouldn't be a problem for me other than just unexplainable nervousness. The point is, I've never behaved male and have become so introverted, catatonic, and overly shy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,77857.msg582862.html#msg582862) since I was 10 years old. Everyone does know 'something' is wrong, especially mother who often wondered why I always wear gender neutral cloths, never go in men's restroom in any restaurants if we are traveling, and I've also accidentally let slip my real personality and voice several times. It is hard to fake a voice and behavior when anyone shows up unexpected.
I don't have any friends, nor do I know any relatives. I never went to family weddings, or know anyone other than my immediate family. In fact I haven't stepped out of my house for the last few months I think. Many relatives that knew me from my early childhood probably don't even remember If I was a girl or a boy. I have no ties with anyone. Practically no one knows that I exist, so in that respect I don't have to worry about coming out to anyone other than my parents.
The problem is my parents are very surgery phobic, they may accept my condition. However, I'm afraid no amount of proofs will convince them I should go through the surgeries (SRS and FFS). FFS can probably be avoided depending on how well the hormones work on me. They are the kind that have avoided surgeries their entire life, even non-elective ones. For example my father has a severe case of hernia and for years he has not done anything. Similarly mother has somewhat of a tumorous enlargement of her legs for over 25 years now. She has not done anything about it.
How would I possibly convince parents like this? any suggestions? Also they are not very modern minded, yet not horribly stubborn. They are nice, but surgery is an allergic topic for them. They may accept me, that I don't have much doubt. The signs were all there for a long time. BUT they may discourage it only because the surgery exists. What could I do? any ideas?
Thanks in advance. :)
Move out, have surgery anyway?
In the end it is your body and as an adult you may have the surgery necessary whether they accept it or not. Hopefully they will understand that your views on surgery are not the same as theirs and that you are doing what is best for you to survive and do well in your life.
You may find that your therapist and/or books will help your parents see the difference it has made for others. You may want to do as Kate did and start by saying that you are not sure of needing the surgery yet or that you are still working out your gender issues with a professional and that the future is not yet written. Time will pass and possibly make it easier for your parents as they see you blossoming into your womanhood.
Good luck and I hope things work out well for you. Remember that you will still have this site as a resource and you will probably make friends here. You will not be as alone then as you feel you are now.
Once you are of adult age the decision is yours. Look at it from a non-gender position. If you had a hernia, growth etc, you would elect for surgery if your doctor said it was needed. There is no difference in SRS.
Oh as Lord Kat said; don't be alone any more, you are part of this family now and we know what it's like to be TG.
Cindy
Indeed if you're of adult age.... it has nowt to do with your parents.... surely?
And if they are frightened of medicine and science.... then that also really isn't your problem...is it?
Unless of course they are funding you or can control you within there home, if that's where you want to be through yer personal transition.... in which case I can understand your difficulty....
But in the end.. perhaps a new found independence with all this will bring you a whole host of other benefits anyways.... if you were to move out say?
Being dependent on 'blinkered' others....doesn't sound productive at all to me....
tell them that you respect there lifestyle choices but it's not for you.
Quote from: Noir
/quote]
Well sorry to be bad news again but - no-one is going to give you letters for anything until you get your head sorted. So you need to get on the phone to the GP and tell the doctor what is matter with you and that you need some input from a psychiatrist.
Your doctor and/or the shrink will try to get you out into the world and happy before they start you on the path to whatever life you think you should have.
One thing a gender clinic will insist on is a fairly normal social attitude - recluses don't need to alter their sexual organs - so get out of the house and walk round town and look at the girls you think you are and if you want to become one of them force yourself to call the GP.
It will come as a shock to your parents but shoudln't be so bad as there are MtF celebs in India. If you feel they will not accept you changing then you will be stuck in the closet until they die off.
Thanks everyone, a lot to think about. I will be moving out any way as I can't seem to live here (mostly language barriers), but I still value my parent's opinion. You all raised valuable points, yes it is my own choice in the end if it is indeed supposed to happen.
Quote from: lilacwoman on August 24, 2010, 04:23:30 PM
Well sorry to be bad news again but - no-one is going to give you letters for anything until you get your head sorted. So you need to get on the phone to the GP and tell the doctor what is matter with you and that you need some input from a psychiatrist.
Your doctor and/or the shrink will try to get you out into the world and happy before they start you on the path to whatever life you think you should have.
One thing a gender clinic will insist on is a fairly normal social attitude - recluses don't need to alter their sexual organs - so get out of the house and walk round town and look at the girls you think you are and if you want to become one of them force yourself to call the GP.
It will come as a shock to your parents but shoudln't be so bad as there are MtF celebs in India. If you feel they will not accept you changing then you will be stuck in the closet until they die off.
Oh
lilac, you don't have to feel sorry to be a bad news again. Introverted I may be, but I'm not entirely a recluse. Technically I'm not a single person, my username does imply something (anime, two girls). I do have a mirror in flesh walking beside me, the same path. I won't put it in exact words. Anyway I may be typing very poorly (mostly search engine cautious, I don't want anything critical to get indexed for my family to read through and know me), but I think I did mention about traveling and even going out? I simply haven't gone out
alone for some time now. It is either accompanying mother, father, or siblings on pretty much whatever they want to do. I would love to go out and do what I want to do, however it is very difficult for me to do so with a language barrier on the way.
For instance I can't take the car and both my parents need it, now what will I do? fetch a taxi. Will the driver understand? sometimes, mostly it's quite difficult imitating words which I think is right. Also they take one look at me and charge a premium ($25 for an hour's ride, instead the usual $5. Which goes a long way in this country), and won't even consider I'm from the locality. Could I argue? no, because they start hurling out words that I can't even understand even if I try.
I do need to get myself sorted out. Which is why I will be going through as many psychiatrists, all around the world, until I feel satisfied. I need tangible proof that this is not just a feeling. At any point I can turn back, if I was wrong then I could simply just move out and start a life a fresh, discovering my male self which I happened to have missed out. Think of all the lovely uncomfortable men clothes I could wear. Also just think of all the money saved if I was wrong? ::) Instead of spending it on myself, I can spend it on needy people, and even on my parents. I could even go back to college. That does sound nice.
I don't have to look at other girls actually. It is not about them or a behavior study about their lifestyle. I may not have any friends, but online that's a completely different story. I really am what I am, and in the online world only your mind is required and not necessarily a body. Most people I talk with are girls, women, and somewhat equally many men. I can relate myself more closely with girls than with the boys. Well, we'll see. The therapist should be a skilled person, I'm sure they will be able to sort me out. I'm not simply going to them to get a letter alone after all. I want to do the right thing. Fix the body, or fix the mind. If the mind can indeed be fixed than all the more an easy journey.
By they way lilac, I see you as an person on a crusade to protect people from making the wrong mistake, thereby causing problems for family and everyone concerned. While I'm thankful, I'll let my therapists handle me. My research and questions are fully out of "what if" curiosity perspective from what I really feel. See, I won't even come out until a barrage of therapists decipher me. Be rest assured that I'm not a troubled youth seeking comfort from a sex change. I'm researching things way ahead, just to be prepared. On that note I would like to humbly request you to leave me be, just imagine I don't exist. You don't have to read my topics or posts. I came to this forum for support, not to get chewed out or be treated like a child. To me, your posts are more than hurtful. I'm thankful but please. As once I remember reading susan's or janet's post before, this forum is a place where people with real life problems come to seek help and support. Or something along those lines. I have a good image that everyone in these forums are helpful, friendly, and supportive to whatever life problems anyone experiences ~ without judging them.
Quite interesting, after constant pressure from his doctor father has decided to go for surgery regarding his hernia. While it was being discussed mother confided her concerns in me. She also said father is very much worried too. I asked her "What is there to be worried about? This surgery will do him good wouldn't it?" and her response is that it isn't the surgery itself (which is a must) but rather the complications that may arise from that. As an example she explained that an anesthesia would not often be good, because there is a chance that you may not regain consciousness or remember anything like a permanent amnesia.
It is scary, but there are a lot of surgeries done everyday and it is much safer now than it is in the past. I believe so at least. I never had a surgery before, never frequently visited a doctor in fact. Regardless, surgeries do not scare me at all for some reason. Although I'm not too talkative, while on this topic I casually asked her what her own opinion of elective surgeries are? and what would her reaction be if someone in the family were to get one? her response kind of surprised me, she said that if it is to remove a scar or anything that's too visible or awkward then she will not hold it against anyone if it is indeed that important to them.
Further, she expressed that she will not personally like it if someone (i.e. in the family of course) wants to go for cosmetic surgeries to alter nose, lips, or cheeks, lipo or anything just to look 'pretty'. Especially when nothing is particularly wrong with them. I just nodded and a walked away. Alright, now that's quite an half-accurate description of FFS from her... and the feeling she is on to me is stronger than ever. In my case I've been researching a LOT about surgeries. BUT chances are that I will only get SRS and maybe a little FFS (forehead) and apple shave, letting HRT take care of the rest. I can't help but feel that she was indirectly hinting me not to go in to transition. I'm not too sure.
Well now I think that coming out to them may not be too easy after all. ~_~
I had my first GA in 18 years yesterday.... and to say that the science of anaesthesia has moved on in spades would be an understatement, so am now totally non-phased re this part again when due on the 14th....
Even Evelyn the theatre prep-nurse, was wonderfully pro at getting the line in clean and fast, first-time....
I had more nausea and a hang-over post IV sedation in Hungary in June....and that was only a partial knock-out as I was able to respond to the oral surgeons verbal requests...
At least 15 people went down for surgeries at the Greenbaum yesterday morning, probably the same amount in the afternoon.... not one has suffered any ill-affects from the anaesthetics I can assure you....the odds are tiny minimal....for problems and are only more likely if you're not fit and have underlying health issues....
Are your parents Jehovah Witnesses by faith....by any chance?
As they refuse blood transfusions, which is really sad, if it means you loose a child or family member.....
My mother was a COMPLAINT gay hater untill I came out about liking both sexes.
And now she actually does'nt bash gay people anymore, though she does not agree with them she seems more 'open minded' if that makes sense. And she is findlemental Christian.
To be honest you won't know exactly how to react untill the moment comes and you tell them, it could be hell for a while and I am sure it might be. But give them time to come around.
Not only coudl they except teh possibley of surgery to make you happier. but also because a more openminded person like your mum. :) Give them time, I hope everything goes okay. :D
Cruella, no they aren't really that religious at all, in fact they take comfort in multiple faiths: Christianity, Hinduism, and few more... all pictures and figures packed in one elaborate neat prayer room. A sanctuary of deities if you will. Do they visit churches and temples? yes, occasionally like once in several months, on birthdays etc... They believe in higher powers, and respect them but not necessarily indulge in them particularly. Strange I know. ~_~
The point is I know they will not throw any book or teachings at me, they are very practical and would never read any real life issues on the basis of a predefined script. My parents will not in any way oppose me if I really go through with this. They will not abandon me fully no matter what I am. But at a personal level they may not accept me for doing something that they think is irrelevant. If there is enough "tangible" evidence they will support me even If they don't personally like it.
They really are good people at heart, but they have strong upbringing and personal values which they have yet not forced on me. I could very well go through with it, but I kind of want their personal approval. You know, do it without any negative feelings for everyone concerned. I'm still kind of thinking when I should come out to them, just after the therapy sessions (if TS positive) or after HRT runs through.
Argent, my parents are very conservative BUT for a fact I know that my mother is okay with gay/lesbian relationships. At least from all the books, dvds, and TV shows she openly watches. She doesn't discuss anything about it though. The strange thing is that they may not have any problems accepting me as a girl. The gender neutral clothes and my behavior issues is one, and then I've been asking for moisturizes and other skin care since the age of five, she thought it was cute. Ever since then she never really gave a second thought to any thing I ask her to buy as if it was natural. The problem lies in my doing something which they feel is unnecessary. I've already made it a point that I won't be marrying in the past, so I'm assuming they'll be like "then why will SRS matter?" and that they simply won't understand a psychological dysphoria caused by it without any tangible medical proof to explain it. OR maybe they are more open-minded than I think, time will tell. :)
Laura91, very true, which is why they will not stop me. However, I want them to accept my reasons for surgeries positively. So I'm still working at it.
Quote from: NoirI can't help but feel that she was indirectly hinting me not to go in to transition. I'm not too sure.
Even though I said that, mother recently began discussing very feminine topics with me. Like which skincare products work best to even out her skin tones, what dress would suit her etc... It's a new development for sure. I've always been physically weak but I particularly noticed that no one asks me to help move things like furniture or drag in heavy grocery shopping bags in from the car anymore. I've even noticed my father going out of his way to open and close house gates when we went out this week despite my efforts to help. I really wish he would take it easy with his hernia surgery coming, it seems things suddenly changed a lot since I asked that one out-of context question to mother. It's all very odd and confusing. Further, my fixed deposit (that I was saving for my transition, if it was meant to be) was spent on buying that new house. Father mildly comforted me saying that earning online is good, but the banks here would be too suspicious of a 21 year old with no official employment or college degree having such a balance lying around. Mother added that if there was a time that I "really" needed the money, then it will be my own choice to sell or pledge this house as a collateral.
I'm trying my best not to read too much into all that, but it really does seem like mother is only against FFS from the way she phrased "pretty" and "Especially when nothing is particularly wrong with them" :-\