any tips on how to tell if you pass? it drives me crazy not knowing! i can never tell if i'm being checked out or if people are thinking.."???" very frustrating. tonight for instance, i went through a fast food drive through, and the guy took my card, then took a double take... then again i was totally dressed up with full makeup and my hair done, etc so maybe he was checking me out? i don't know! he did say "have a nice night!" in a really sweet tone right before i took off but ughhh it's still so frustrating not knowing :( ... i really wish i could just get over passing in general, but i think it's fairly normal to have it on my mind.
Maybe he saw your male name?
A girl once told me "We hate being looked at, it always makes us think "OMG my hair, is it messed up? Did I spill food on my clothes? Is there something in my teeth? Do I stink? Do I have a stray hair on my chin?". So even natal females get that insecure feeling when somebody is looking at them.
Yes it's normal to have it on your mind, but from what I hear from those that seem successful at passing on youtube or whatever, it's all about confidence.
my name is gender neutral though! ??? ..but i do have to agree. i saw a group of transwomen at the far and only 2 out of the 5 didn't pass. i don't even know if the other 3 were trans, but i'm pretty sure they were after analyzing them. i watched them walk around for a while, and ALL of them radiated confidence and comfort. and you know, the other randoms at the fair were oblivious to them being trans. this is a problem for me though, because i get really nervous when going out. talking with anyone makes me shake and i get butterflies. my mind is constantly racing with one question... "do i pass?" and this ironically makes me choke and stutter and my voice will crack. but when i'm at home alone and i record my voice, it sounds flawless. over the phone, passes no problem. it's just in person i get soooooooo nervous!
..rant much??
Well.. since I've never been out (aside from a halloween when I was 14 .. and passed somehow, without any hair on my head, dressed as a hooker in a good neighborhood, and got picked up by some women that were concerned ...), I don't really know what advice I could give from experience. But maybe it'll take you getting clocked a time or two to find out it's not so bad, and it will help you relax?
yeah maybe your right. :D
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on September 02, 2010, 12:49:27 AM
But maybe it'll take you getting clocked a time or two to find out it's not so bad, and it will help you relax?
Have to agree. The moment you dont worry about whether you pass or not strangely enough is the time you start to pass more.
Early in the process, I could tell that some people recognized me as a woman but I just couldn't tell one way or another with most people. People just treated me as a person, so I began to relax and not worry about it.
People respond to your mood and aspect. If you appear to be nervous or unsure, they will pick up on it and start wondering why. If you appear confident and relaxed, they will just accept you (usually). It's kind of a chicken and egg thing: If you appear assured that you are a woman they will assume you are a woman which will make you more assured.
Sometimes if they hear my voice before seeing me, they may have questions. If they see me and then hear my voice they don't even think about it. So perhaps drive-throughs aren't a good idea until you have the voice the way you want it.
- Kate
There often isn't a sure fire way to know I mean I wish there was a way of knowing too.
The rule I have is... If they glance at me I should presume that I passed, even if I didn't I can say it did and I was treated like a normal person.
If they glance... Then look again more carefully then I got a ???
if they glance then look and the look turns into a stare they then turn to there friend and whisper (which I might hear the comments are "that's a mannish woman." or "Is that a boy or a girl?" "Woah that Chick looks like a dude" or other debate) then laugh to themselves I probably didn't.
Thus I associate anything other than a glance as a criticism. yesterday I found myself following a young lady who either had a serious back injury or brain trauma her walk gait was very much an impaired shamble. Just so I knew that people were staring at her not me and I wouldn't be noticed.
My voice isn't a problem (Well sometimes I overdo it and I get questions about my age.) It's my ugly face that's a problem :/
If small children don't say things like "Mummy is that a boy or a girl?" then you're probably doing ok.
I have been staying in cornwall for the past couple of days with friends and during that time I have been out and about and haven't heard a single s->-bleeped-<- or snide comment...i've even been told that in the queue for the cinema on friday the attention i was getting was of the good kind (this was even with obvious five o'clock shadow!).
Kate is right, act like there's no problem and people don't seem to bat an eyelid. so either I pass, or i've got a genuine cornish pixie sat on my shoulder blinding people with pixie dust.
Helena,
I can tell that you will be hearting heart soon.
You're cute. ;)
And you will and don't have any problems.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on September 04, 2010, 07:07:31 PM
Helena,
I can tell that you will be hearting heart soon.
You're cute. ;)
And you will and don't have any problems.
Agreed! ;)
To dee-pntx:
Dee, this is a wonderful post! I'm encouraged by this. Thank you.
I'm just a tad over 8 months on HRT and am about to go part-time at home as advised by my Big Sister, Janet Lynn, here on Susan's. Great advice! I'm wary to go out en femme, because I don't think I'll pass. Why? Face will give me away. BUT ... ! HRT is having its effects! :D
You story here majorly helps encourage me, and I know it helps others here too. Thanks so much for posting it!
@ Dee:
ROCK ON!!!
Yes! Amazing! Awesome!
You were definitely more masculine-looking than I was, and now you pass very well, and that's the truth! :D
My problem is that I do tend to dress "on the loud side" as my gender counselor used to say. I've got to tone that down. You are right. God, I'm SO nervous. I tell Janet Lynn that I worry about getting arrested or beaten up. Janet Lynn (on this website) tells me that ain't gonna happen. I hope not! I used to be in the Marines, but that was a long time ago. Don't want to fight anyway.
You have so encouraged me. I needed this. Thanks ... I owe you one! :)
Oregon is generally very Trans friendly. I have not heard of any one being attacked here.
Quote from: Dee_pntx
/quote]
No change! Still black and hairy and chew bones a lot?
Or, your pix show how a soldier moth emerges from chrysalis as cute butterfly?
Hi. Oregon and Washington are both pretty friendly places for us ...
As for passing, I've learned not to really care what others think. I used to be super self conscious about when someone would look at me or glance at me. The worst part was being in an elevator and hearing the people behind me snickering about something that may or may not have been me.
I eventually got to the point where I ignore the people around me and go about my business. There's an occasional bad self confidence day where I get hyper-focused on everyone around me, but I cope with them.
I think the goal is that you should be confident with who you are inside. Once you've built up your confidence, people around you will pick up on that and not give you a second thought. It's when you look nervous and "outside of the norm" that people start paying more attention to you.
It's sort of like in the movie Inception when the "Street characters" would pick up on something outside the norm and they'd start looking for what was out of place and then attack the intruder.
Oh, and I've been living as a woman for about 3.5 years everywhere except work. Without hormones. If I can pass, I'm sure you can find a way to pass just fine. :D
EDIT: Boy am I not typing well today ...
Quote from: Janet Lynn on September 06, 2010, 01:22:47 AM
Oregon is generally very Trans friendly. I have not heard of any one being attacked here.
Honey Girl, that's why I'm here, and I'm staying!
Besides, with you looking out for me, I'm one happy camper! ;)
@ Epigania:
Right on, sister! Janet told me the same thing. She said, get The Attitude.
I have. It works. Have an occasional off day, but that passes.
Great comment. Thanks.
It was weird yesterday for me. I was at a festival and buying things from a vendor. The whole time he sir'd me. Then when I bought with my credit card he wanted to see ID. My full name is on my driver's licence as well as the dreaded F (greatly looking forward to my name change going through). Afterwards he still sir'd me. This has happened more than once, so I can only assume that people don't pay much attention to your ID.
They probably are just looking for a picture and a name close to the one on the card. They likely don't care or look at the gender because it has no baring on anything.
I have a Costco Amex with my picture on the back of it, so I don't even get asked for my ID. They look at the picture and move on.
Quote from: Epigania on September 07, 2010, 09:18:34 AMThey probably are just looking for a picture and a name close to the one on the card. They likely don't care or look at the gender because it has no baring on anything.
Possibly. But, for now, my middle name is so feminine it's disgusting. I'd think it would jump out. Also my photo is
slightly different than how I look now but it's probably good enough. I'm not bothering getting a new license until after the name change has gone through and is hopefully approved.
dee-pntx, Thank you for those pictures. You look great!!! It's so encouraging to meet people like you all. :)
Quote from: Dee_pntx on September 06, 2010, 12:05:01 AM
You're welcome sweetie! And remember, just be calm and act confident and cool. If you act nervous people will pick up on that and look more closely at you. Just try to fit in. Dress like the other women do. Don't wear an evening gown, heels and a pearl necklace to Walmart or the grocery store, ya know? I dress casual and kinda plain. Nothing loud and outlandish.
But, on the other hand, I have the most insanely bright red hair you ever saw so that sorta blows that up. Hehehe!
A friend of mine told me one day "Dee, the red hair is PERFECT! No man would have the balls to wear hair that red!" LOL!!!
Seriously though, the first year is the hardest. When you first start trying to go out as new and improved self. I would cry all the way home and get seriously depressed when in my first year I would go somewhere and people would call me sir. It was horrible at first. But I kept at it. And as hormones began to do their thing and my hair got longer, things began to get better.
I began to experiment with very mild and light makeup and over time I got better and found a look that works for me. It's a mellow look but it's beyond any shadow of a doubt, feminine.
Just be careful and don't go over the top. It's better to come in a little under the mark than it is to go over. Too much makeup is far, far worse than no makeup. Same with clothing. Dress mellow but dress feminine. Don't over do it.
Just to give you an idea of where I was and where I am, check this out.
This was me in 2002.
hxxp://a.imageshack.us/img26/796/mvc064f.jpg
This was me on December 31, 2008
hxxp://a.imageshack.us/img192/7441/9980335385165.jpg
This was me in Sept. 09
hxxp://img543.imageshack.us/img543/5197/img0029b.jpg
This was me in October 2009.
hxxp://img412.imageshack.us/img412/623/iphone102209074resized.jpg
And this was me in March of this year...
hxxp://a.imageshack.us/img221/579/t3errsv.jpg
If I can do it, anyone can.
Voice was the second hardest thing to master.
The number one hardest thing to master? Self confidence.
I'm still not there yet but I'm trying hard and I will not ever give up.
It's not easy but it's 100% worth it in the end. ;D
Wow! You are amazing. It really gives me hope!
Paige
It seems the need to pass is a huge thing. I am no different either. I have been going out almost everyday now for over a year. I drive my same car and go up town in the town I live in.
Very small town too. I change my front plate on my car when going out. Its just a cute plate with a C on it for my name. I have also learned to just ignore things too. I love it when there's no double looks. I went in a beauty supply store the other day and someone complimented my lipstick. I think that speaking is the hardest thing. One day I will even be ok with that too.
But yea sweetie, I know the feeling....
hey!
first off, I just wanted to say that I love how supportive everyone on this forum is... it really is a nice family :)
the best advice I can give on passing is actually a quotation from a fortune cookie I got: "if you want others to like you, like yourself first."
self-confidence has definitely contribute to my ability to pass, for sure.
good luck!